UnNews:President pardons furries
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
WASHINGTON, D.C. – A press release came from the White House stating that President Barack Obama would give a speech on "animal lovers" and "mistreatment towards the furry ones" in honor of the day of blessings, Thanksgiving. Excited environmentalists and animal rights activists congratulated the president for bringing long-overdue attention to the nation the issue of animal abuse. PETA even wrote an open letter to President Obama, praising his decision and comparing him to Mahatma Gandhi. However, walking out to his podium this morning, the president ended up looking like a big fat turkey.
Pulling back the hood of his turkey mascot suit, the President of the United States took a few minutes out of his and the country's time to be a furry apologist.
| “ | There's a group among us who have faced the unjust slap of discrimination. Who might that be, you ask? Ethnic or religious minorities? Women? Gays? Immigrants? While these groups no doubt face their own unique difficulties and struggles every day, one group in particular has tugged on my heart strings for their plight. I'm referring to furries.
Yes, furries. A subculture who take interest in anthropomorphic animals. You may have heard of them. You may have met one without knowing it. You may even live next door to a furry. Whatever your opinion of them, they are human beings just like you and me. Even though many of them would just as well dissociate from our species. Sometimes ... I can't blame them. You see, furries have been around for decades, but they have yet to be accepted by mainstream society. They've been called "weird", "freaks" and "zoophiles", all because they dare to dream of animals being more than just animals. I ask you: Is that so odd? Do we not all love God's creatures? Do we not all sometimes envision an alternate reality where critters speak and walk upright? How many of you hack cartoonists draw us as donkeys and elephants? The desire for man to be beast, beast to be man, and to meet each other half-way is deeply ingrained in our collective subconscious. Most of the unwarranted revulsion to furries comes from the sexual fetish associated with the fandom, known as "yiffing". Never mind that. Statistically, the majority of furries are not into humanoid erotica at all. I ask you: Is this fair? Is this just? To define the entire group by their sexual subdivision? Is this how Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. would have us treat others? Judge a man by the content of his character, not by the conveniently placed visible velcro slip in his fursuit. Even so, as for the ones who actually enjoy yiffing, all I can do is ask one more key inquiry: So what? Who among us didn't have a crush on Krystal at one point? Or feel a certain tingle watching The Lion King? Preadolescence was a confusing time for all of us. Or in my case, the '90s. These people simply kept that inner flame alive. They have the cojones to see animals as much more than merely beautiful. And, yes, many even go so far as to act on their urges by engaging in sexual intercourse while cosplaying as human–critters, but at least they're sexually active. I'm willing to gamble double our debt with the Chinese that most of you zit-faced turds never even kissed a girl. |
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It was at this point the president's tone grew increasingly more irritated, his anger revealed by the bent of his brow. "I mean, seriously. Who the hell do you think you are?" he rhetorically asked some hypothetical individual.
| “ | You sit there in your basement bedroom playing your tentacle rape games while your mom sews your Klingon costume for the upcoming convention, and you have the gawk to think you're superior? You're so detached from reality, engulfed in your own fantasy world, you've deluded yourself into believing you're standing from an ivory tower looking down upon the pathetic weirdos and deviants below you.
Well, I'm Barack fucking Obama. I am above you in every conceivable way. And you know what? I think furries are awesome. I will slap paw and enjoy a beer with any fur, any time. If you can't deal with that, you skinfag haters can go yiff yourself. Peace. |
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President Obama then raised his turkey hood up like a thug and strutted back inside, making loud gobble noises and flapping his arms along the way. A silence fell over the White House lawn that only the deep vacuum of space could echo, soon to be interrupted by Vice-President Joe Biden asking, "What in God's fuck was that all about?"
