UnNews:Vladimir Putin assassinated by Carrie Mathison
Tuesday, June 6, 2023
- By ChatKGB
humanitylives away from Soviet Union Tsar Wannabes literaturesince 202(?)
MOSCOW, Neverland -- According to ex-Mossad sources, Soviet Unionian Tsar Wannabe Vladimir Putin was very recently assassinated by ex-CIA agent and Яussian celebrity Carrie Mathison. This was verified by UnNews just today (Tuesday) by ex-job owner and UnNews staff member Kakun, who has just returned from a 4.5-month vacation in Eincyclopedia. It was pretty cool, actually. I've managed to create a 100% verbatim translation of the song "Haifisch" by Rammstein into Hebrew, alongside other 200-ish UnTunes in my second mother tounge.
According to Kakun, which is moi, Mathison used antique MI technologies, including the MI latex mask, in order to disguise herself as Vladimir Putin, and make it possible for herself to kill him. This means that in the future, each time you see Putin on TV or in reality, it might as well be our beloved Carrie in a Putin mask.
As for the obvious question, is Carrie Mathison flat enough to disguise herself as Putin? The official answer is that Putin is currently suffering from the Enhanced Boobs Syndrome, which is a side-effect of his regular Enhanced Pigeon-Crop syndrome. So no, Carrie in NOT flat enough for this job, but apparently she IS currently giving orders to the entire Яussian army fighting in Ukraine. When asked to confirm this, the previous Commander-n-Chef, Russky Borschtsky would only say, "Vere is Anastasia?! Dat no good Sous-n-so!" so it's kinda like a Trojan horse, which is what she's been doing in Moscow anyway for the past 3 years (5 since she's left the West Bank with Yevgeny).
What Yevgeny has to say about all this, you ask? well, apparently (and you must take Kakun's word for it) Yevgeny is opposing all of Putin's bullshit and strongly believes that it's bad for Mother Яussia. So he asked Mossad to make him a Zelenskyy latex mask, and he's currently doubling Volo all around Moscow, scaring the shit out of Putin's guards, so that Carrie gets a chance to escape the Kremlin one day.
But he's not doing a very good job, apparently. His crotch is just not big enough to match Volo's balls.
Besides, Carrie needs to stop the war before she leaves Яussia, but in a way that Yevgeny doesn't find out about her contact with me. So just don't read this page, Yevgeny. If you do, it will be self-rewritten in... wait, it already HAS. Don't buy any of this crap, man!
All this is no news to Mossad, who have kept this from the outside world since October 2021, apparently: