UnNews:Buffalo Bills impulsively fire the wrong guy
Monday, January 19, 2026
ORCHARD PARK, New York Following another playoff choke, the NFL's perennial bridesmaid in the Buffalo Bills fired someone, just not who we all expected.
"So after some deep discussions, I finally listened to all the fans who said that something was wrong with my hockey team, and then I fired my entitled general manager. And look at how good my hockey team is doing now!
"So on the football side, we determined that we're going to fire the general manager, the guy who fucked our roster up so that Josh Allen had zero receivers to throw to due to them being in the ICU or eating cookies. We're firing.. Sean McDermott? No that's not right, I thought coach McDermott did a good job this year and overachieved with a shit roster despite his past failings.." announced owner Terry Pegula.
"I have no fucking clue what I'm doing, so here's head coach, I mean, GM, and now FOOTBALL CZAR, Mr. Brandon Beane, taking over," finished Pegula.
"That's right, I'm here to stay, bitches!" remarked Beane. "You fuckers kept criticizing my receiver picks, well, how do ya like me now!? I'm now the FOOTBALL CZAR for the Bills, bitches!"
When asked about what his first move as "football czar" would be, Beane replied he would immediately hire Nathaniel Hackett as the new head coach, while signing receivers Kadarius Toney and Kelvin Benjamin and trading away the entire offensive line.
Reportedly, upon hearing the news, Allen flipped a table and screamed so loudly it could be heard from Toronto. His wife Hailee Steinfeld is gearing up to have to take care of two children now, with a baby incoming and Allen reduced to being a broken manchild in his depression.
We don't blame Allen, though, as every other competent Bills player and the entire city of Buffalo has joined suit. Imagine canning the coach who actually overachieved with a crappy roster while letting a tool like Brandon Beane continue wrecking your team despite his incompetence.
UP NEXT: Nuclear power plant fires the wrong technician, the one actually doing work; reactor core meltdown now imminent..
Sources[edit | edit source]
- "LeSean McCoy Rips Bills for Not Firing Brandon Beane, 'NO HELP for' Josh Allen, Roster" Bleacher Report, January 19, 2026