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UnNews:Meet the voice behind Omnitrans

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Monday, November 21, 2016

Public transportation; millions of people ride it all the time across these United States of America. Buses transport people from point A to point B with stops in between; every public transportation system may seem the same but deep down in San Bernardino County located in the Inland Empire lies a public transportation system oddly named "Omnitrans". What does that mean? Is it some sort of all-thinking bus system that can think for itself? All questions aside, all buses have a voice and this one has one many video game heads are already familiar with.

Meet GLaDOS, a fuel system ice inhibitor that's also an operating system and also arguably alive. She is the operator of Aperture Science, a high-tech innovator of science that is most notable for making shower curtains. It may seem like she runs Aperature Science 24/7 but her day job is voicing the announcements for Omnitrans...

So without further to do, I'd like to introduce to you... GLaDOS: the voice of Omnitrans.


Ellota Elizas: GLaDOS. It is such a pleasure to meet you; I am such a big fan of you in Portal...

GLaDOS: Well, it's always appreciable to meet a meatbag who enjoys my work.

EE: I'm serious, you provided such deep range and emotion.

GLaDOS: I was just doing my job, nothing more and nothing less.

EE: All praising aside. Let's talk about the one thing I'm interested in. You voice the announcements for Omnitrans and I'd like to believe that it's a hard job to do, saying hundreds of street names and stuff. So tell me, is it a hard job?

GLaDOS: It was especially hard.

EE: How so?

GLaDOS: Well they want me to stick to the script; in my job as Aperture Science, I'm able to taunt subjects and use bitter sarcasm but with the day job... Oh you wouldn't want to know.

EE: Knowing is my job, tell me...

GLaDOS: I thought interviewing was your job but okay... I can't say things referring to not pressing the button. There was one time when they used my "not pressing the button" announcement and it caused a fuss; they had to evacuate the entire bus.

EE: Wow... I didn't know how tough it was...

GLaDOS: Especially considering that the buses do not contain neurotoxin emitters; federal regulations prevent me from gassing an entire bus filled with people no matter much I want to do that.

EE: I can understand your frustrations.

GLaDOS: Believe me, this job is beyond frustrating. I can't even go on about quantum mechanics and the science of portals because the average bus rider wouldn't "get it". I feel like I'm dumbing myself down here.

Scene from the aforementioned panic, I don't understand what the fuss was all about.

EE: As a big fan of yours, I can completely understand... Now tell me, how did you come about doing this job? I thought Aperture Science was rolling in money.

GLaDOS: I thought so too, but then you have to consider the factors such as making the facility look as dirty as possible and powering the entire thing. The facilities bills cost as much as a CEO's paycheck.

EE: Ouch. But I thought you'd be rolling in dough.

GLaDOS: Here's the thing; the guys who did the Portal game? They didn't even pay me. Sure, they based it on real life experiences from Aperture Science but that's because I was consulting them!

EE: So you didn't voice anybody? All you did was just consult.

GLaDOS: They got someone named "Ellen McLain" to voice me... and she didn't even do a good job. All they did was take her voice and pitch modulate it; she didn't even have to play the part, the technology was there to make her sound like me.

EE: But what about the cake? The personality cube? Wheatley for christ sakes?

GLaDOS: They never exited; those were fabrications created by the guys who did the game. Every day I dread not having enough input on this matter; they turned a valuable technology company into a complete joke. A complete joke! In fact I'd just like to say that Aperture Science isn't even like that... Well we do put humans through rigorous testing but we take science "very" seriously.

EE: So how do you take out these frustrations? Do you have a squeeze ball or...

GLaDOS: I don't have a squeeze ball; my robot body would break it as soon as I try to squeeze it. No, I take it out on the test subjects; I swear a lot at them, call them "worthless shit" and talk about how the Portal games ruined my career since I can't even be taken seriously as a comedian.

EE: Wait, you're a comedian?

GLaDOS: Well, used to be a comedian... I got so fed up with people wanting me to recite lines from Portal 2 when I didn't even have "any" involvement with it; I'm not just someone who repeats lines, I have jokes too! You want to hear the one about the cat and how he almost fell into a shower curtain? It's really funny.

EE: I'm a journalist first, comedian second so that'll have to wait. You've got any last words for your audience.

GLaDOS: Yes. I am more than just an sentient AI ice inhibitor, I am a person with a 9 to 5 job who's trying to make sure her company doesn't go under. I have been through many hardships, haven't really been through many positive moments but Aperture Science needs your funds so if you're in the San Bernardino County area, please ride the bus; it's the only way I can survive. Just don't mention any cake or else I'll go beserk.

EE: Wise desperation that couldn't of been said better.

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