UnNews:Mark Sanchez buttfumbles again

Looks like this debacle on the field is no longer his dumbest moment

INDIANAPOLIS, INDIANA After further review of whatever the heck happened here a week ago, the Indianapolis police department has confirmed the ruling: former NFL quarterback Mark Sanchez, best known for buttfumbling with the New York Jets, has royally screwed himself physically, mentally, career-wise, and legally, by buttfumbling. Literally.

After getting wasted before calling a game the next day for Fox Sports, Sanchez decided to do wind sprints in an alley behind the bar (we're not making this up!!), getting about 20 rounds in before a grease truck pulled up in the way. Sanchez inevitably got into a spat with the driver, who stabbed him after getting into a fist fight before driving away.

Surprisingly, Sanchez was still "okay" despite bleeding the fuck out, managing to carjack a local resident and chase down the grease truck. He then proceeded to rear-end the truck, effectively running into its ass, and, because he wasn't wearing a seatbelt, went flying through the windshield and landed several yards away into the waiting arms of a police cruiser on-pursuit, effectively fumbling himself and being returned to the "endzone", the Indianapolis city jail, for a "touchdown". So this was effectively a drunken road rage buttfumble.

Amazingly, both men survived the incident despite being hospitalized. But now Sanchez finds himself in hot doo doo, both with his employer and now the law. Don't do drugs, kids!

Sources

• "NFL QB Mark Sanchez arrested after stabbing in Indianapolis" Fox 59, October 6, 2025
• "Dickhead in Sanchez jersey turns out to be Mark Sanchez" The Onion, September 1, 2012