UnNews:Montrealer fed up with strikers dismembers one
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
2 June 2012
MONTREAL, Quebekistan -- Activist Luka Rocco Magnotta, alias Che Guevara, has become an Internet sensation after doing his part to solve the crisis that has been plaguing the Quebec Motherland for more than 3 months now. He valiantly took matters in his own hands to emphatically state that further whining and bitching about high tuition fees would no longer be tolerated, and to prove his point, decided to decapitate and dismember a male student before having sexual intercourse with one of the pieces. Said piece is pretty difficult to name but included the buttock area. He also cut the rebellious scholar's liver and ate it with some fava beans and a nice chianti, while feeding the remains to his dog, a cute little puppy going by the name "Human Flesh Eater".
He then proceeded to mail the body parts to various organisations, including the Conservative Party of Canada and the McGill University's Department of Human Physiology. It was a bold maneuver, considering the Canadian mailing services are quite expansive, but it seems there is just no limits to this man's resolve to do the right thing.
Of course, such a display of altruism and goodwill had to be immortalized and shared with the world, so our Gandhi-like benefactor filmed it all and posted it on the Internet for the world to see, especially the striking students.
"That's gonna show them!" said Montreal Chief of Police Mathieu Bourgeois. "It was about time somebody did something about this! Mr. Magnotta has the utmost respect from the Montreal Police Force. For months now, we've been trying our best to inflict as much punishment as we can on the wretched protesters, but to actually see one get beheaded just fills our hearts with pride. There are still some good people in this world! The video this generous man has provided is playing in loop in the precinct's cafeteria. In HD!"
When asked if having sex with the dismembered body could be qualified as "going a little too far", Captain Bourgeois quickly retorted: "Not at all, at that point the college boy was very dead. There is no foul play here. Besides, I think what he wanted to state by that symbolic gesture is 'fuck the students!'"
Mr. Magnotta has also received the Golden Poutine Award for his actions from Prime Minister Jean Charest. "We know this man doesn't seek the public spotlight, but I really hope he comes out of the darkness to claim his medal. You wouldn't believe how many times I daydreamed about cutting one of those damn students' throats, so to meet the man who actually did would be an emotionally-charged moment for me," stated the prime minister, with a tear rolling down his cheek.
UPDATE
Mr. Magnotta, who once wrote a lengthy article on his blog about how to completely disappear from the face of the Earth, has been found in Berlin. The man's great getaway lasted a total of five days. Montreal police officers are buying the champagne, commoners are measuring the hanging rope and prisoners are preparing the lube.
