UnNews:Link found between watching Super Bowl and concussion
The study claims that watching a 3-hour game while eating the traditional feast of chicken wings, buffalo wings, potato chips, bastardized ethnic dips, mass-produced American beer, hotdogs, burgers, ribs, milkshakes and tacos leads to a severely reduced brain state in which sufferers are unable to answer basic questions, move, or go to the bathroom with any dignified level of success.
The diagram on the right shows in yellow and red the increased signs of brain damage as the game goes on, with NFL1 being the first quarter, NFL2, the second, etc. If the game goes into overtime, viewers will have the brain function of a masturbating zoo-held chimpanzee (NFL5). Such deterioration has been shown to seriously harm promotion prospects in most jobs outside of supermarkets.
The news has been met with scepticism by many on social media, but study leader Joanna Corey told us: "Think about it, supposedly half the country watches this game every year, yet whenever you ask someone what the result was last year, they have a hard time recollecting even who was playing.
"Our current theory is that excessive guacamole consumption destroys the part of the brain that can distinguish between St Louis and Los Angeles."