UnNews:Richard Hammond joins One Direction

Friday, March 27, 2015

Richard Hammond trying his best to look young and cool for his new job being young and cool

Pleasingly faced and faint-of-heart One Direction coward Zayn Malik is to be replaced by ex-Top Gear presenter and hamster impersonator Richard Hammond.

It was confirmed by One Direction's manager earlier today that Hammond will be taking up the role of singer and entertainer in the 5-strong band. He told reporters “To be in One Direction you basically just have to be male. The Top Gear presenters were all available so auditioned. It’s no surprise really that we found Hammond was most suitable.”

The three Top Gear presenters were facing an uncertain future after a “fracas” involving Jeremy Clarkson and a production manager, leaving Clarkson fired from the BBC and the other two in employment limbo.

Auditions

The trio were spotted exiting a Subaru Impreza WRX STI 2.5L petrol in London last week and going into the offices of Syco Entertainment where it is speculated they performed various musical numbers in a bid to be accepted into the band.

An inside source tells us “Jeremy’s minstrel show style version of ‘Civilisation (Bingo Bango Bongo)’ didn’t go down to well with the judges and he was quickly buzzed off. Richard really stole the show with a great cover of Mariah Carey’s ‘I Can’t Live Without You’.”

A distraught Clarkson and May after failing their auditions

We are told James May’s rendition of “Danny Boy” moved the audience to tears, but the judges felt he just wasn’t quite ready and should keep working at it and come back next year. It is said in his anger at not succeeding his audition, Clarkson punched Ant and/or Dec during the post audition interview.

Fan Reaction

Fans have met the announcement that Hammond will be the replacement fifth member with mixed responses. Messages on twitter range from "So Happy Richard is joining! 1D lives on #newdirection" to "OMFG I am going to so fucking cry where the fuck is Obama he needs to intervene in this fucking shit i'm literaly crying now oh god #fuckhammond".

After the announcement, use of the hashtag #cut4zayn began to fade as opinions fractured. Some fans disagree on the methods they should be employing with #OD4zayn and #jihad4zayn trending on twitter. Some fans have vowed not to wear their retainers until Zayn rejoins.

The hashtag #cut4hammond leaves us all thinking these kids are probably going to be cutting themselves whatever happens.

A growing number of teenage girls are organising a mass suicide in a bid to bring back Zayn. A spokesperson for the group says "Life is pointless now Zayn has gone, I don't want to live anymore, but maybe if Zayn sees the suffering he is putting us through, he will come back."

The alarming emergence of the hashtag #death4zayn seems to imply some angry fans would rather see Zayn dead than leave the band.

Other fans happy with Hammond's new appointment have wished Zayn well in his new endeavours.

This sickening image shows the lengths some fans have gone to

Aftermath

Zayn has thanked his sane fans for their support and asked the insane ones to calm the fuck down.

Simon Cowell, who discovered the boyband on the ITV talent show The X Factor, said: "I would like to say thank you to Zayn for everything he has done for One Direction, for all the money he has made me and for all the money he continue to makes me with this event.”

Hammond is said to be excited for his new role and is currently preparing with the other members. "Richard is a great bloke," says bandmate Harry Styles "We are ecstatic he has joined, just a bit disappointed we are no longer allowed to perform in either Argentina or Mexico."

It is confirmed Hammond will be joining the band on their upcoming tour.