UnNews:NASA bamboozled as North Star disappears
“I've been beanboozled, I've been goboozled, but I haven't been bamboozled this much before...”
January 21st, 2025
WASHINGTON D.C. — Horror was brought to NASA's headquarters as the north star, also known as Polaris, had suddenly vanished this night. Outcry has spread across the world, as compasses are exploding everywhere, as their only source of direction has unexpectedly disappeared. The subspecies of human known as "flat earthers" claim this as a victory against the globists, although their statements are complete and utter bullshit.
Now, for our non-space fans here, fucking shoot yourself. Why would you read an article about the North Star disappearing... if you don't know about it? But for the majority of you non-space fans that haven't shot themselves, the description of what the north star is, is well... in the name. It's a star aligned perfectly[note 1] north. If we get rid of it... NO MORE NORTH!
...anyways...
Observers of the final few moments of Polaris claim that it was glorious, but also weird. Several witnesses stated that "[Polaris] was acting as if it was alcoholic, drugged out, flashing, [and then] exploding."[1] It is unknown if these sources are true, but we're the news, so who even cares anymore? Do you? Yeah, that's what I thought.
American Response[edit | edit source]
Janet Petro, the current and temporary acting administrator of NASA, has currently passed out, as this is her first day as the administrator. We have tried to contact her for an interview, although all attempts have been unsuccessful; however, it is unlikely that her being unavailable for an interview relates to her passing out. Maybe, uh... well, we don't know.
Emperor Donald Thump of the American Empire of the United States has responded to the situation by stating that "The Canadians have caused this massive breach into the security of the average day American! It is only necessary that we invade the country to restore the North star." Observers of Trump's speech were confused, mostly because national security has nothing to do with astrology. Strangely, Alaska already has its home-made north star,[note 2] so Thump's whole speech was useless. The dozens of citizens "living"[citation needed] in Nunavut were also mad, as they actually had the North star. It just fell from the sky one day, approximately 1999.[note 3]
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The Little Dipper, also known as Ursa Minor, was saddened after the end of Polaris. The constellation fell back to irrelevancy, as its only cool thing that it once had was suddenly gone. Ursa Major was temporarily sad, but it soon became slightly happier because it actually became a litte more known. Well, actually, it was already pretty well known; it's a fucking huge frying pan in the middle of the sky. No, really, it's fucking big. [note 5] Like, you can't miss it.
Several conspiracy theorists guess that Polaris wasn't the alpha male[note 6] of the wolf pack, but instead was of binary gender. Eventually, though, Polaris became single after it had sex around eight million years ago.[2]
But what will happen?[edit | edit source]
You may expect:
- Compasses to explode
- Phones to implode
- Airplanes to crash
- Banks to crash
- Your mother to crash
- The economy to crash
- The moon to turn into a black hole
- The black hole with the mass of the sun is the mass of the moon hole
- Moon hole = Cheese
- The moon is cheese!
- ...also, the Sun too, is, indeed, cheese. Amazing!
- ...ALSO also, the Solar System will be destroyed.
- ...oh yeah, you will die. Almost forgot that one.
Now, I know this is a bit scary...[edit | edit source]
And that is true! It may seem a little scary that, well, you're going to die very, very soon. But hey—many people said we were all gonna die in a different way anyway, and well—er—this path is probably the best form of the rapture on the Earth, y'know? Instead of an evil robot who will kill us all—y'know—it's just gonna be a supernova that will burn us alive to a nice 20,000 degrees Celsius. (That's 20,000 degrees centigrade, for your information.)[note 7][note 8][note 9] But like, hey, at least we burn to death, and we don't freeze to death! We already have one Alaska—we don't fucking need two.[note 10]
So please, stay calm. I know learning that you're gonna die in like... a couple of days... is slightly traumatic, but hey! I said the facts! You just have to accept the truth! We're all gonna die! But please, still, stay calm. It's not like Godzilla is gonna wreck this whole city. The Earth is just going to sadly explode and implode at the same time as the Sun goes supernova, at the same time as the Cheese Moon turns into a black hole.
What? You're still concerned?
No, please, still, stay calm.[edit | edit source]
What? You hear thumping?
Oh... oh god.
If I look outside... and if I see him...
...
OH GOD![edit | edit source]
Citations[edit | edit source]
- ↑ Mr. Brightest of the Brightside III Jr. "Something Weird Is Happening to the North Star - And It's a Big Deal | Videos | filtimes.com".
- ↑ Rafi Letzter. "Something strange is going on with the North Star | Live Science".
Notes[edit | edit source]
- ↑ Technically 1 degree off, but it's fine...
- ↑ See Alaska's flag
- ↑ It was probably the distance between Polaris and Earth that caused the delay of light between the two objects.
- ↑ But he never did... and then he did.
- ↑ You know what else is big?
- ↑ Ursa Minor is supposed to represent a wolf, so yes, this works out
- ↑ That's about 10508° Rømer, if you're curious.
- ↑ Which, if you didn't know, is 36492° Rankine
- ↑ Oh yeah that's also 16000º Réaumur
- ↑ (Well, we already have two, that's called the Yukon)