UnNews:NASA bamboozled as North Star disappears
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“I've been beanboozled, I've been goboozled, but I haven't been bamboozled this much before...”
January 21st, 2025
WASHINGTON D.C. — Horror was brought to NASA's headquarters as the north star, also known as Polaris, has suddenly vanished this night. Outcry has spread across the world, as compasses are exploding everywhere as their only source of direction has unexpectedly disappeared. The subspecies of human known as "flat earthers" claim this as a victory against the globists, although their statements are complete and utter bullshit.
Janet Petro, the current and temporary acting administrator of NASA, has currently passed out as this is her first day being the administrator. We have tried to contact her for an interview, although all attempts have been unsuccessful, however it is unlikely this relates to her passing out. Maybe, uh... well we don't know.
Observers of the final few moments of Polaris claim that it was glorious, but also weird. Several witnesses stated that "[Polaris] was acting as if it was alcoholic, drugged out, flashing, [and then] exploding."[1] It is unknown if these sources are true, but we're the news, so who even cares anymore. Do you?
Emperor Donald Thump of the American Empire of United States has responded to the situation by stating that "The Canadians have caused this massive breach into the security of the average day American! It is only necessary that we invade the country to restore the north star." Observers of Trump's speech were confused, mostly because national security has nothing to do with astrology. Strangely, Alaska already has their home-made north star, so Thump's whole speech was useless. The several citizens of Nunavut were also mad, as they actually had the north star. It just fell from the sky one day, approximately 1999.[note 1]
The Big Dipper, also known as Ursa Minor, was saddened after the end of Polaris. The constellation fell back to irrelevancy, as its only cool thing that it once had was suddenly gone. Ursa Major was also sad, but slightly happier because it actually became a litter more known.
Several conspiracy theorists guess that Polaris wasn't the alpha male[note 2] of the wolf pack, but instead of binary gender. Eventually though, Polaris became male after a marriage it had around 7 Uncyclopedian years ago.[2][note 3]
Citations[edit | edit source]
(Note: Most citations here have been exaggerated. This is a sarcastic website after all. No unfunny articles allowed here. Now scram!)
- ↑ Mr. Brightest of the Brightside III Jr. (January 19th, 2025). Something Weird Is Happening to the North Star - And It's a Big Deal | Videos | filtimes.com.
- ↑ Rafi Letzter (March 11th, 2020). Something strange is going on with the North Star | Live Science.
Notes[edit | edit source]
- ↑ It was probably the distance between Polaris and Earth that caused the delay of light between the two objects.
- ↑ It's not brain rot if the North Star is a part of Ursa Minor, a constellation that's supposed to be a wolf!
- ↑ Which is around 8 million human years.