UnNews:Russia meddles in Fox's 'The Four' singing competition
Friday, January 5, 2018
HOLLYWOOD, California -- Thursday night's premiere of Fox TV's singing competition The Four (the latest attempt to milk whatever is left of the formula that spawned American Idol, The Voice, and The X Factor) had three questionable, if not downright suspicious, verdicts that can't just be dismissed as a simple lapse in judgment... or I'll just call it what it is, a monumental mistake of epic proportions!
The first incident occurred when blues musician Anthony Hall (not to be confused with the geek from The Breakfast Club) performed a wonderful, slow, stripped down rendition of Portugal. The Man's recent alternative rock-pop hit "Feel it Still," only to not make the cut, even though he was one of the best performers of the night. Judge Meghan Trainor (of "All About that Bass" fame) explained the verdict thusly, "To be fair, rock hasn't really been big since the 2000s, and even that was a far cry from the 90s and earlier. If you want to make it in this industry, you need to perform songs written by 40-year-old Swedish guys with excessive autotune. Or you need to change your name to Halsey."
Things got even more suspicious when horrible rapper IllaKriss (or however the hell you spell it) (whose street/stage name sounds too close to Ludacris), made everybody's ears bleed with his atrocious rapping, which consisted of him saying "IllaKriss, ugh, yeah" 5 billion times while making Kanye West sound like Pavarotti. But for some inexplicable reason, judge Sean "Diddy/Puff Daddy/Sean Jean//whatever the hell he calls himself now" Combs liked it(!) enough to request a second chance, even though he stated several times on the show that there were no second chances. IllaWhatever challenged Original Four rapper Lex Lu Thor's seat.
Diddy's last appearance (as an artist) on the Billboard Hot 100 was in 2010. His last proper album, which peaked at #1 on the Billboard 200, was released in 2006. A new album is expected in Q4 2018... just in time for nobody to buy it this next holiday season.
IllaLame's encore was only marginally better, but thankfully the judges were gracious enough to avert the tragedy of having Illa brutally murder any more eardrums and make the cut. So Lex, whose performance of judge DJ Khaled's "Wild Thoughts" was infinitely better, kept her seat. Unfortunately, it appears Diddy is now permanently deaf.
I knew something was clearly, seriously and dangerously wrong when the more pop-oriented singer Valentina Cytrynowicz brought the house down with her version of Lorde's "Green Light," because Diddy wasn't having it. "It is a cold cruel world out there," he said. "I didn't like it one bit." SAY WHAT!!!???!!! What. The. Actual. Fuck??? She was denied a second chance and inexplicably never made the cut, despite the thunderous cheers she received and the thunderous boos of the audience when Diddy offered his blunt opinion. That's being generous. He acted like a coldblooded douchebag asshole cunt to her, and made her cry. His tirade would make Simon Cowell blush!
Turns out, according to The Washington Post, Russia meddled in the competition. Bob Woodward himself tells us,
“Everybody with ears and a brain knows that this girl can sing and that IllaKriss is to music what Donald Trump is to politics... a big fat joke, and a perfect puppet for Vladimir Putin. Putin ordered the hacking of this soon-to-be-forgotten Fox TV singing competition show that will be as much a footnote in TV history as Don't Forget the Lyrics and That 80s Show. Putin chose Diddy as his fall guy for when America found out the truth. You'd be surprised but, old Vladdy is a big fan of rap music. Why do you think the Germans love David Hasselhoff?”
This alarming story is still developing, so stay tuned for more updates as they become available. But based on recent history, you can expect firings, indictments, investigations, nonsensical tweets with numerous typos, accusations of fake news, 24/7 CNN coverage, and a tell-all/exposé book that will be released tomorrow.
The Four is yet another music competition show, except in this one, four pre-chosen singers are in jeopardy of being replaced by competing contestants. The judges are music producer Charlie Walk, "All About That Bass" crooner Meghan Trainor, long-irrelevant rapper/producer Sean "Puffy Diddy" Combs, and "Wild Thoughts" rapper DJ Khaled.
- Shawn "Diddy or Didn't He" Rice "The Four: Valentina Covers ‘Green Light’ As Sean Combs And DJ Khaled Reject It Brutally" Business 2 Community, January 4, 2018
- Justin Sane "The Four series premiere react: 'Week One'" Entertainment Weekly, January 4, 2018