UnNews:Tour de France 2014 welcomes its share of broken bones
Those not dead still running
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
24 July 2014
Paris, France -- The 2014 Tour de France got off to a tumultuous start as favorites Christ Broom and Alberto Commodore were swept away by dreadful nature attacks. A pity, as 'laissé pour compte' Vincenzo Nibbly is now stuck with winning the race.
Nibbly conceded: 'My mountain goat growth hormone will not be compared to Broom's and Commodore's, which is a real shame.' The Tour is still continuing with what remaining starpower it has left.
Broom was taken out of the race when a bee hit him right in the sternum. By the man's own account: 'My skeleton hit a bee at 110 km/h. Now, if you take into account my body weight of 550 milligrams and the bee's weight of 600 milligrams, it's just a miracle that I am alive and kinda OK with my 14 broken bones.'
Doctors were frantically repairing Broom with twigs and springs as we went to press. It was reported that the bee is doing very well.
Commodore didn't fare much better as he crashed into the asphalt - or possibly it was the other way around. The damaged tarmac acted like a cheese grater, leaving Commodore with little flesh and a grin of resignation: 'I'LL BE BACK NEXT YEAR!!!' he said, while concluding 'Anyone sending that splattered blood to a drug testing lab will have a letter from my lawyers.'
As of mid-July 2014, the Tour is still going strong, and the worse drug consumed in it is raw bull testicles.