UnNews:Lucy movie affects viewers' brains

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Sunday, August 24, 2014

When Lucy manages to use 20% of her brain, it curiously results in her suddenly knowing how to do lots of badass action moves. But nothing else.

Lucy, the new Hollywood blockbuster about Scarlett Johansson being the cleverest woman in the world, is actually making anyone who sees it considerably less intelligent, reports suggest.

The film, which is based on the fallacy that humans use only 10% of their brains, is so stupid that movie-goers have been admitted to various institutions with impoverished neurological functions.


"Dat... movie... dumb..." drooled Peter Maykins, a graduate student whose academic career is now in serious jeopardy. Doctors believe that Maykins was taken in by Morgan Freeman's desperately slow, authoritative, baritone voice saying things like, "At 24%. She can control. The cells. In her body. At 40%. She can control. Matter."

Before he knew it, Maykins was unable to conjugate verbs.

Elsewhere, reports have emerged that Mark Warner, a Johansson fanatic who wrote he would "drink her bath water" in a recent Facebook post, has become seriously disabled after seeing the movie several times.

In a cruel twist of fate, he has actually been left with 10% brain function, meaning he is unable to breathe unassisted, control his bowel movements, or dilate his pupils. He remains a big fan.

Anyone who unwittingly watches a bit of Lucy has been advised to focus on Freeman's cheeks and imagine some delicious cookies.
Chocolate chips

Some resilient viewers - those who focused on the chocolate chip marks that have spread like wild fire over Freeman's cheeks, or those who spent the first half hour looking at their phones or pushing popcorn in and around their mouths - held out for a little longer. However, one scene in which Johansson develops the ability to see soundwaves and instantly begins pinching them like she is on a fucking iPad apparently finished most people off.

The movie has some people worried. Public health expert Joanna Corey warned, "This is a movie about a bag of drugs exploding in a girl's stomach, turning her eyes blue, and making her really smart. I would like to say to anyone out there who is thinking of being a drug mule in a stereotypical Asian setting - drugs exploding in your belly rarely has a good effect on your brain."

"And neither does Scarlett Johansson."


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