UnNews:Denver Broncos reap monkey paw's full effects; Patriots guaranteed Super Bowl appearance

Tuesday, January 20, 2026

Did Bo accidentally hex himself trying to become "Tim Te-Bo"?

DENVER, COLORADO -- Is this the first time both teams have lost a playoff game? Did either the rapper Drake or Drake Maye actually curse both teams?

Either way, the Denver Broncos thought they got away with some lucky bullshit in beating those annoying Buffalo Bills, sending them home early again, and causing them to impulsively fire the wrong guy. What they didn't know was that quarterback Bo Nix, in trying to search for the same luck that Tim Tebow stumbled into some 15 years ago, was scammed into finding a random monkey's paw at Denver's creepy blue horse statue, being told by a mysterious, hooded figure it was the "will of God, or the Force, or whatever hee hee hee".

Per that hooded figure's instructions, Nix was supposed to make a wish to curse his opponent, then call a specified phone number to "pray to St. Drake to wear merchandise for both the Broncos and Bills", and then go drinking all night before the game. "Probably not gonna do anything, I've already had dumb luck this season," reasoned Nix. "Just wanted a little bit more luck especially against an opponent like Josh Allen..

Sure enough, Allen done fucked up, especially with an old photo of Hailee Steinfeld in a Broncos jersey recirculating on the web. Allen subsequently went into "sugar high mode" and chucked it up to his non-existent or bone-headed receivers. Just as the Broncos kicked the game winning field goal and broke Bills Mafia's hearts, a bone mysteriously also broke in Nix's foot, followed by a bloody explosion as the entire foot snapped awkwardly in an unnatural angle as if Vecna did it himself. And there went Denver's chances.

With Nix out, backup quarterback Jarrett Stidham will lead the Broncos out to certain death against the cheating Patriots, who also had a ridiculously easy, bullshit schedule, probably also due to voodoo magic. The only thing is that the Patriots have been doing this for years, as opposed to a lucky encounter by Bo freakin' Nix.

We also have to wonder if Nix wished for anything else with that monkey paw.

"Ah, so that's where I left that stupid rabbit's foot, damn shame some dumb jock used it before I could.."

Sources

• "Broncos QB Bo Nix breaks bone in right ankle, out for playoffs" ESPN, January 17, 2026