UnNews:Local grandfather won't just accept alien overlords
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
12 October 2014
Cleveland, OHIO - Thomas Garrel, a local man with memories from before The Age of Human Suffering and Sadness, is annoying his family with tales of how life was like before our alien overlords took control of the planet, enslaving all life to do their bidding, and changing the course of human history. His grandchildren are said to dread the boring Sunday lunches filled with tales of what life was like before city-wide forced labor camps, and daily 9 AM child sacrifices became the norm across the world.
"He's always like, 'When I was younger, we weren't forced to de-slime the aliens every day, and humans and animals weren't forcibly cross-bred to create terrible creatures that form the basis of our nightmares and often times go completely insane, causing death and mass terror across the land,'" speaks his grandchild, Charlotte Garrel. "I mean, we get it. Things aren't like they used to be. Times change. Get over it old man."
"Dad always hated change," says his son Lionel Garrel. "He had issues when they gave imprisoned felons the right to vote, and now he can't wrap his head around the fact that 1 in 10 of us will be fed to the Slugs of Incomparable Hunger." (Editor's Note: Voting was an act taken by normal every-day humans, in which they would tell the government their preference in who should represent the different areas of the then-United States of America's government, thus deluding themselves into believing they made a difference. This action has since been outlawed by Emperor Bozorg, Terror of the Deep Unknown; Woe and misery to his enemies, long may he reign.) He shook his head in exasperation. "Some people just won't move on with the times."
In one memorable instance, Thomas told his family they should rise up and overtake the aliens, even before the family's guardian beetle warrior had removed their leashes. They all got the goo for that.
"The worst part is honestly the boredom," says Charlotte. "I don't need to hear about ancient history every week. It's unbearable. I'd rather just tell grandpa about how I escaped the slaughter at Drowning Vomit Canyon, but no! He always has to tell us about how things can be better, and not to settle for being a cog in the war machine of the Great Durggian Empire. Nothing is ever good enough for him, and I'm sick of it!" Lionel then added, "Dad knows he can't keep this up. Anymore outbursts like this, and he'll end up being sacrificed to the new batch of Humapotamuses that they just created. And nobody wants that!"
Charlotte coughed.
