UnNews:Harry gets Hogwarts letter
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
27 April 2013
Today Prince Harry finally got his Hogwarts letter.
After years of being denied by his uncle, Harry went out and rebelled. In 2002 Prince Harry, third in line to the throne, admitted to underage drinking with his owl, dabbling with marijuana, and preteen sex with his trusty butler, "Jenkins".
In 2005, just two weeks before Holocaust Memorial Day, Prince Harry figured it was a good idea to turn up at a "colonials and natives" costume party dressed as a Nazi. British tabloid the Sun published a photo of the prince wearing a swastika armband and a desert uniform similar to those worn by Erwin Rommel's German Afrika Korps. "I'm very sorry if I have caused any offense," Harry said in a statement. "It was a poor choice of costume, and I apologise – my terrorist clothes were in the wash." He probably should have taken tips from his brother – Prince William reportedly wore a homemade outfit, a dark purple silk mankini.
Harry was caught in video footage published by a newspaper website, calling an Asian army colleague a "Terrorist Paki". He apologised in January 2009, but said he had used the term without malice and that was what he called all his Asian friends. The recording was originally made in 2006, just two days after painted his cock with red nail varnish.
In 2010 he was photographed in a bikini, playing air guitar with drum sticks, after he and The Queen paid a visit to Italy. And just when the world thought that Harry was sobering down, pictures of the naked prince were published on a US website where he was seen licking a naked unidentified woman in a VIP suite in Las Vegas.
Still Uncle Andrew refused: He just took him to a remote island off the coast of Scotland and locked him up for 122 hours, without any food or water. When Prince Harry threatened to go to the North Pole and fuck a polar bear, however, The Duke of York gave in.
We managed to get a quick interview with Harry before he nearly punched this UnNews reporter. "Oh my God, I am, sooooo excited to finally be going, I sooooo bet I'm going to be in Gryffindor, where all the best people go, and I sooooo bet I'm going to be on the Quidditch team, on an actually broomstick – it's so different to an Apache helicopter, I'd never even seen one till this morning down Diagon Alley, anyways, I can't wait to use my wand, Oooooooh my wand, it is like sooooooo epic, I can do, like, spells and stuff now, ahhhhhhhh, I am soooooo excited, I can't wait to start." "Hey, you're the media. Get the fuck outta here!"
As we can see, Prince Harry is happy, to say the least, about going to Hogwarts and according to inside sources, Harry calls himself "The Half-blood Prince".
Sources
- IFYMB! "The Royal Family Goes To Hogwarts" BuzzFeed, 26 April 2013
