UnNews:Harris wobbled me against my will - board

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

The board claimed to have misunderstood when Rolf told it that it was going to get laid.

Secret footage of Harris abusing the board.

Note the chilling proximity to his genitals.

A hardboard has revealed that it suffered abuse at the hands of Rolf Harris for many years, frequently being "made to wobble" on television against its will.

"He promised me a life in showbiz," the board told us, "and my eyes lit up. I had always been ambitious about my future. I didn't want to spend my whole life in the factory – the factory where I was made I mean. I wanted to be part of something big, perhaps a table or a cabinet. When Rolf said he was going to make me a star on stage, I thought he meant as part of the background scenery." Instead, the board revealed, Harris subjected it to decades of humiliating abuse, carrying it on stage in his licentious, hairy arms and "wobbling" it for his own and the crowd's enjoyment.

"I never told anyone because I didn't think people would believe me. I just used to freeze and go stiff as a ... well, as stiff as a board when he grabbed ahold of me, but unfortunately that just made the sound even more effective."

To make things worse, the board's recent revelations were met with many abusive comments on Twitter, with users openly mocking the board's ordeal. "Apparently the board's kid is being diddled on stage too – a chip off the old block," quipped one. Another sicko wrote: "I heard that Rolf had no problem getting wood." A third suggested Rolf had "got splinters in his extra leg" after abusing the board.

"I was disgusted by the comments but not surprised," the board told us. "Luckily, I'm tough. I mean I'm literally hard, I'm hardboard. But just imagine another of Harris's victims had received this kind of treatment – if a little didgeridoo had accused Harris of tonguing its hole during a concert and then found itself derided by heartless pigs online ... well, it might have thrown itself in the chipper."

Despite the onslaught, the board was defiant. "I have come forward so that others may do the same. I am sure Harris is not the only one. There must be many other sex pests out there with a board in their closet."