UnNews:English church faces persecution for tequila

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This is absolutely a church.
James Aspell, the Reverend of the Righteous Rabbits

11 December 2020

NOTTINGHAM, UK — A local church in Nottingham is facing religious persecution for its use of tequila instead of wine when performing Holy Communion. The Reverend James Aspell, 34, told UnNews that his application to register the Church of the Four Hundred Rabbits as a religion was recently denied by Her Majesty's Government. The denial means that the Church unfortunately will not be eligible for tax-exempt status and, even more disturbingly, will not be allowed to remain open per COVID-19 lockdown rules.

A spokesman for the Department of Health and Social Care said 'Transmission data shows us that congregating in large groups for the purpose of consuming food and beverages carries an extremely high risk of infection with COVID-19, while congregating in large groups for the purpose of worship, asking mythical beings for stuff and conversing with dead people carries no risk whatsoever.'

The principle reason highlighted by Her Majesty's Government in their denial of the Church's application was that the Church of the Four Hundred Rabbits is not recognised as a legitimate church. The main difference between the Church of the Four Hundred Rabbits and legitimate churches, such as the Roman Catholic Church and the Church of England, is its use of tequila instead of wine for the Eucharist, as is highlighted in the following prayer:

“And Jesus took the salt shaker, and when he had given thanks, he passed it around to his disciples and said, 'Take this, all of you, and lick a little bit. This is my dandruff.' And then he took a bunch of shot glasses and filled them with tequila, and when he had given thanks, he gave them to his disciples and said, 'Take this, all of you, and drink of it. This is the cup of my urine, the urine of the new and everlasting covenant.' And then he cut a few limes, and when he had given thanks, he passed them around to his disciples and said, 'Take this, all of you, and chew on it. This is my nipple, and it is good.'”

~ Rev. Aspell performing the Sacrament of Holy Communion

Despite the ruling, the Church of the Four Hundred Rabbits is not backing down. Rev. Aspell was quoted saying, 'It's 1701 all over again, a terrible setback, indeed, but our faith is strong, I'm gathering my flock together, we're gonna slam a few shots of José silver and take to the streets for one of those "peaceful" protests that are so popular these days.' Rev. Aspell and his followers, known as Bunny Believers, have started petitions on Facebook and Change.org, and they are expected to file a lawsuit with the European Court of Human Rights. Across the pond, several American organisations, including the Becket Fund for Religious Liberty and the International Religious Liberty Association, have offered their support in the form of lawyers, guns and money.

Government officials responsible for the religious persecution did not immediately respond to requests for comment by UnNews. A spokesman for the Queen said that Her Majesty is far too busy to think about other people at this time.

Sources[edit]

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