UnNews:Lance Armstrong: My Moped Shame

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

11 October 2012

Busted: Armstrong's 2005 bicycle, which finally led to suspicions among the authorities.

Paris, France -- Disgraced ex-Tour de France champion Lance Armstrong has spoken today of his humilation after confessing that he won Le Tour 7 times by illegal use of a customized moped.

"It's time to come clean: I'm a cheating scumbag," said Armstrong. A member of the press, quick to counter, asked, "Can we quote you as saying, 'I"m a cheating scumbag with one bollock?'" The next moment was testament as to how far the man once lauded The Fastest Thing on Two Wheels and One Ball has fallen. A flash of anger passed across Armstrong's drug-riddled face, but disappeared just as quickly, as the former champion realized he was in no position to repel any such insults.

Winners don't choke: Armstrong holding his breath so as not to ingest his moped's fumes.

What came afterwards was an astonishing account of just how elaborate Armstrong's cheating was. The famous War Cry, the deafening screech made by Armstrong and his US Postal team during races was revealed not to be an intimidatory tactic as once claimed, but rather a way to conceal the noise of Armstrong's powerful 50cc engine as it tore through the French countryside. Armstrong wiped away tears from his cheating face with his dishonest hand - the same hand which held his deceitful handlebars - and pleaded with the public to show him mercy. "I know I have brought the good name of cycling into disrepute. I apologize from the heart of my bottom. I accept that I gained an unfair advantage over my competitors by propelling myself through the use of an illegal substance, gasoline. I deserve to go straight to hell.

Hell might not be such a distant prospect. Dean Wang, president of the Lance Armstrong Trust, which provides support for cancer sufferers, announced on his blog, All the Balls I Need, that the foundation is set to investigate whether Armstrong ever had the disease at all. Wang, a nut cancer survivor, wrote: "In my darkest days, I used to look at myself using two mirrors and say, 'I have just as many testicles as Lance Armstrong, I have just as many testicles as Lance Armstrong' over and over again. That was basically how I answered most of the questions in the interview for this job, too. Now, I don't know what to think. If he is capable of riding the Tour de France on a moped, maybe the whole ballbag thing was a publicity stunt. So here it is Lance: I challenge you to come to our office, pull down your pants and Calvins , and show me your ball, if indeed you have just the one like the rest of us!" No one from Armstrong's camp has yet responded to the challenge, but Wang's blog was alive with activity, with both his mother and his girlfriend posting comments.

Sources

• Phil McHock "Lance Armstrong's team 'ran most sophisticated doping programme ever'" Guardian, 10 11, 2012