UnNews:UnSports NFL update: 2023 belated mid-season edition
Sunday, November 26, 2023
| L |
et's try something new today. News has been rather slow, Israel and Hamas are totally not at war with each other, America and the world are totally not divided over who to support in said war and totally won't be close to war with both Russia and Iran, the Marvel Cinematic Universe is totally not bombing at the box office and is still providing good ol' superhero flicks to distract us from the world, movies totally don't suck as of late, Dumbledore totally didn't kick the bucket... oh shit, spoiler alert? Well, his actor did anyways, and neither did the actors playing Shaft, Bull, and Chandler from Friends- oh who am I kidding? The world is on fire right now, and it sucks. We've lost several actors and role models as of late, I think there's good reason why we haven't covered the Israel/Hamas war yet, lives are still being lost in the Russia/Ukraine conflict, and American politics are, well, American politics. It's in dire times like these that we turn to sports to distract us from the chaos. Sports should bring us together and-
"HEY! Stick to sports, bozo!"
Oh fuck it, go Bills, fuck the Pats, squish the Fish. Bills Mafia, baby, woooooo! **tries to duck hailstorm of Dunkin Donuts, stale clam chowder, and moldy oranges being chucked at me by angry New England Patriots and Miami Dolphins fans**
Speaking of sports, looks like it's been a rather interesting season for the National Football League this year (no, not that football, you Britons, it's the real football. 'Murica! Fuk yeah!). But rather than cover this myself and embarrass myself like Zach Wilson did tripping over himself on the field, I've summoned Stephen A. Smith from BSPN to anchor this new segment on UnSports. I've got better things to do such as work at my big boy job, earn big boy bucks, flush my time and big boy bucks down the toilet playing freemium games on my phone and editing Uncyclopedia (well, not this article), and totally not sucking ass as a wannabe reporter who may be biased towards a particular team, so here's Stephen A.!
Stephen A. Smith: Say WHAT now??
Hi Stephen A.! Orangutang94 here, just a lowly reporter at UnSports. Could you anchor this sports segment for me, please, Mr. Smith? I have no idea what I'm doing-
SAS: Well, Mr. ORANGE TING! Lemme give you a low down. FIRST, I'm one of the top blabbering motormouths at NFL FIRST TAKE on ESPN, not some lowly wannabe reporter at a parody of Wikinews. SECOND, the Dallas Cowboys aren't a steaming heap of fecal matter this year, so I have no business being on here talking about them , especially as I'm salty as hell. Besides, my "HOW BOUT DEM COWBOYS!!!!!???" roast just don't seem the same as they're actually winning. THIRD, it's hoops season, baby! Coverin' the NBA is MY distraction from this hoola-palooza debacle of an NFL season for me. I'm not covering the NFL outside my paid job. I also totally did not lose money on bad bets this season in the NFL. FOURTH! Tang juice drink SUCKS! Kool Aid is better!
Mr. Stephen A., uhh, YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH ABOUT TANG! It's awesome!
SAS: [Incoherent blabbering]
[Incoherent blabbering]
SAS: [Incoherent blabbering]-
Mr. Stephen A., would you do it if I gave you a payment of 1 million OranguBucks?
SAS: ...You for real? HELL NAW.
Joe Buck: Oh come on, Stephen A., give the kid a break.
..Joe Buck?! Wow!
Buck: Yeah, don't mind Stephen A., the guy is totally insufferable. I've only been at my current position a year and he's rubbed me the wrong way. Like, who hates the Cowboys?
Speak for yourself, everyone thought you were kinda annoying and monotone on Fox, Joe Buck. Also, why are you and Troy Aikman such bone-hards for the Cowboys?
SAS: Yeah, you heard him, Buck!
Buck: Ah, well, since I switched over to ESPN, I did take some advice on how to be more fun and engaging while not sounding like a monotone robot! Admittedly, I'm still sort of working on it, trying to undo years of bad advice. [muttering] Stupid overbearing bosses at Fox. Anyways, who wants to get a load of Bucky? I got you on this article, Orangutang.
Totally, Mr. Buck! Thanks! Now I can go back to playing Fortnite and smashing tables while hammered all night!
SAS: It's all yours, Buck! (sigh) Where's Chris Berman when you need him..
UnSports NFL update: 2023 2/3-season edition with Joe Buck[edit | edit source]
Buck: Good evening everyone, and welcome to this hastily written article on UnSports, now mostly AI free! I'm your impromptu host, Joe Buck, and I'm gonna admit, I'm not really suited for a sports show, as I'm just a play-by-play announcer-
SAS: Buck, it's the SAME. DAMN. THING! Well, at least they give me stuff to say rather than have to make shit up on the spot like you do. (mutters) Well now that I think of it, both can equally be BS..
Buck: Oh really, cool! Guess Fox never really did provide me any proper training or tips! Anyways, NFL season is two thirds over, which means it's halfway over! Oh wait, Troy, what's bigger, 2/3 or 1/2?
Troy Aikman: I think 2/3 is bigger than half, Joe.
Buck: Ah, right you are as always, Troy! Anyways, this NFL season has been totally haywire. Aaron Rodgers did Aaron Rodgers things and blew up his ankle playing on that minefield they call MetLife Stadium, Taylor Swift has made the NFL more popular among female viewers, The Bills, Minnesota Vikings, and Cincinnati Bengals are all mid, the Dolphins, Detroit Lions, Houston Texans and Jacksonville Jaguars are suddenly good, the New York Jets buttfumbled again as did the New York Giants, Da Bears still suck, and... so do the Patriots? What a weird season. Here's our 100% reliable sideline reporter, Charissa Thompson, with more on the NFL season. Charissa?
Charissa Thompson: Thanks Joe! May I also add that Tom Brady is now in his 49th season, now having moved to the London Sillinannies! He has singlehandedly made the new NFL franchise in London an instant success! They're also moving to Beijing next season just for the LOLz. Joe Burrow, being the cyborg he is, simply harvested another ligament from the factory to repair his destroyed throwing hand and is in tip-top shape, ready to lead the Bengals to another Super Bowl! Also, Antonio Brown is the most successful owner in Arena Football history, having found his second calling after retiring from the NFL on good terms and not having ripped his pants off mid-game and burned every bridge in the NFL. Players actually want to play for his totally still-running Albany Firebirds franchise, viewing his antics from last season as a power move for the greater good! They're totally okay with him withholding pay and running the franchise into the ground! Matt Canada, Nathaniel Hackett, and Ken Dorsey are also the top offensive coordinators in the game! Their players are just not good enough to comprehend their genius ideas! The refs are beloved for their totally fair, unbiased decisions that totally don't alter the outcome of the game! And my source on all of this is totally not ChatGPT!
Buck: Uh... thanks Charissa! Very insightful and truthful. Didn't even know the Arena Football League was still a thing! Well, that one part wasn't a lie, the AFL is actually coming back this season, according to a quick Google search, so Charissa is at least somewhat reliable. Like maybe 1%. That, and at least she's right about Hackett having Beavis and Butthead at quarterback to replace Aaron Rodgers, so he's not getting the needed help. But seriously, how Hackett still has a job remains a mystery unless he took the same career path as I did. Hey, at least I'll admit it!
Anyways, we have CBS lead analyst and noted former Cowboys quarterback Tony Homo here with more on what's been happening with the AFC.
Tony Romo: Well, Joe, first, it's Tony Romo-
Buck: Oh, my bad, Tony. I guess I'm trying to pronounce my hard R's a little better.
AFC report with Tony Romo[edit | edit source]
Romo: [chuckles] Don't worry, I get it all the time. Anyways, a little more on the AFC, Miami just came out of nowhere and is first place in the East! Must have gotten some better coke this year, their current coach looks like a suave dealer. We'll see how they do once they play another team with a winning record. Also, to counter pretty much every one of Charissa's claims, Joe Burrow is unfortunately done for the year, poor kid. So is half of Buffalo's defense, and yet their offensive coordinator Ken Dorsey, who also might have been on coke, was still intent on making Josh Allen try to play like J. P. Losman for some unknown reason, thinking "oh, the defense will bail them out". Here's Dorsey's reaction captured when that obviously didn't work out and wrecked the team's chances to make the playoffs:
Romo: [chuckles] Gets me every time. Safe to say that every other Microsoft Surface tablet in the Bills' facility was mysteriously wrecked, or shall I say, terrorized, not too shortly after they canned his ass. The Pittsburgh Steelers also canned their offensive coordinator Matt Canada, so we interviewed this one particularly passionate Steelers fan about his thoughts on firing Canada:
Steelers fan: (pre-recorded) STILLERS GANNNA SUPERBAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!
Romo: (pre-recorded) You do realize Kenny Pickett is still your quarterback, right? Pittsburgh's offensive line is also comprised entirely of Pickett's imaginary friends at the moment-
Steelers fan: (pre-recorded) Dahn't caare. DA STILLERS GAHNTTA GO SUPERBAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Romo: ahhahueuueuegh, talk about being assaulted with all that noise. Good luck getting past Baltimore and Lamar Jackson, whose sixth year as quarterback is "not bad for a running back". Speaking of assault, Cleveland Browns quarterback and notable alleged sexual assaulter Deshaun Watson got a wee wittle boo-boo on his throwing shoulder, but unlike Josh Allen with his hurt shoulder, no massage therapist was willing to work on Watson's busted shoulder because.. well, reasons, and now he has to sit out the rest of the year. Ehhhhhahahhhh I don't know, Joe, maybe it's karma?
Romo: Moving onto the West division, Kansas City Chiefs quarterback Patrick Mahomes is bummed that his best buddy Travis Kelce is now dating Taylor Swift and no longer has time to play Xbox with him. Now they got Bad Blood. Mahomes also has literally no receivers to throw to aside from Kelce, so he has a blank space, and he'll write your name, or the name of literally anyone else who signs up. Explains why they all keep dropping his throws. Mahomes keeps calling Tyreek Hill over in Miami, leaving endless voice messages that say "You belong with me". Otherwise he has to keep playing with bums such as Kadarius Toney and Marques Valdez-Scantling, and as a result, he keeps screaming to his GM "Why you gotta be so mean?"
Romo: Meanwhile in Denver, Russell Wilson finally figured out how to cook and is no longer burning down the house. And Al.. excuse me, Mark Davis just keeps firing his head coaches over in Vegas! Also, the Los Angeles Chargers keep Chargering, Joe! I'm not sure what's going on there, but I don't think sticking with head coach Brandon Staley is working for them! Unless you root or play for the other team and need a last-minute bullshit victory. Needless to say, the only fan left seems to be this fine young lady. Ya think she's paid to be there? Looks like an aspiring actress trying to take advantage of the ongoing Hollywoo Strike. Or an Android. Whaddya think, Joe?
Buck: Not sure Tony. I can't even tell the difference between 5/8ths and 3/4, so how do you expect me to tell if she's acting or not? Moving onto the NFC, we.. don't really have any announcers over there notable enough to have an Uncyclopedia article. Well, it's a bummer, I can't have been the only announcer worth a damn at Fox.. Oh hey, it's Matt Ryan!
Romo: He-hey! It's the only other former quarterback who choked more than I ever did!
Matt Ryan: Heheh, funny, Romo. At least I made it to a Super Bowl, but we just don't talk about what happened then.
Buck: And we probably missed a whole bunch of teams here. Guess I'm still slightly biased after all! Or maybe it's ESPN.. Oh wait, Tony, didn't you forget about some teams down south?
Romo: We have AFC teams down south? Oh right, there's that team in Indy that everyone forgot about since Peyton Manning left and the caveman quit. Don't look now, everyone forgot they're suddenly in the playoff race again! Somehow with Uncle Rico, I mean, Gardner Minshew at QB. Jacksonville also looks like the real deal, so maybe Urban Grinder.. er.. Meyer was the problem all along! Houston also looks good with C.J. Stroud, so maybe Deshaun Watson was the problem all along over there? Then we have the Titans, whose rookie quarterback Will Levis thinks that putting mayonnaise in his coffee would give him superpowers, citing Patrick Mahomes guzzling ketchup from the bottle, Josh Allen dumping ungodly amounts of hot sauce in his soda, and half the league smoking weed behind the scenes without Roger Goodell knowing. Well, Levis is definitely taking the Titans to the Super Bowl... just not the one that will be played in Las Vegas in February, but the one you usually take your Browns to. Okay, that should be everyone, back to you Joe!
Buck: Okay! Now let's go back to the NFC! Matt?
NFC report with Matt Ryan Halftime banter[edit | edit source]
Buck: Matt, you okay? Looks like Matt Ryan may be choking on something again, we'll step aside as we call someone to give him the Heimlich Maneuver or even send Damar Hamlin's medical team to give him CPR and defibrilator- oh good, you're back up!
Ryan: My bad, sorry, I just choked on my own saliva. Guess I gotta stop choking on big moments such as... this one, being featured on UnNews Sports for the first time-
Romo: It's UnSports, Matt! Get it right!
Ryan: God damn it, Romo, you bigger choker, you're not helping!
Romo: [chuckles] I'm just playing with ya.
Ryan: Anyways, I think I'm just here to keep the seat warm for when Brady finally decides to move over to Fox and stop enjoying fun-employment. Unless he decides to go back to playing again, like Charissa said. But come on, what are the odds of that happening?
Thompson: Aw come on guys, give me a break! Don't you guys make up stuff on the spot too? Just like.. [sniffle] my cheating ex who.. [sniffle] told me he was going to the supermarket and then ran off with that whore..
Romo: Matt, c'mon man, you just made her cry.
Ryan: HEY! Are we gonna actually talk about this season? GET FUCKING SET! You guys.
Buck: Matt, we should probably talk about your language, especially as we have to adhere to FCC rules. That was a disgusting act.
SAS: ACTUALLY! We ain't on ESPN, we're on Uncyclopedia! This site don't give a damn about no, razzle dazzle, Disney-esque CENSORSHIP! We can say whever THE FUCK we want! Well, as long as you don't threaten anyone and stay somewhat civil. Keep going Matt, you're doing good. Readers and viewers LIKE a bit of personality here and there.
NFC report with Matt Ryan (for real this time)[edit | edit source]
Ryan: Okay! Well, here we go again! Anyways, looking at the NFC East, we have the Philadelphia Eagles who keep tush-pushing their way to one-score victories. Somehow. And the refs continually bailing them out every game. Good decision by the zebras, otherwise they'd have to deal with being pelted with snowballs and batteries from all their fans. The Giants have regressed quite a bit this year and are starting a member of the Italian Mafia at quarterback, who somehow is ruining their tank. And the Washington Redski...err...sorry we're not allowed to say that name anymore. The COMMIES are trash. Again.
But let's talk about you guys' favorite team, the Dallas Cowboys for a sec.
SAS: Not MY favorite!
Ryan: This team actually looks legit, thanks to a good defense, head coach Mike McCarthy actually making good decisions unlike his usual self, Sean McDermott, and Jason Garrett, and another secret ingredient.. Dak Prescott's new, annoying pre-snap cadence? Joining me now is the man himself Dak Prescott, here to talk about.. just why are you doing this just now?
Dak Prescott: (whispering) heere we goooo. Hi Matt! I thought I just heard you say my cadence not too long ago.
Ryan: Did I? Haha, guess I did. Oh, and did someone say I worked for Fox? I actually work for CBS, so I really choked by making Charissa cry, all for nothing
Prescott: You alright, man?
Ryan: just that I should be PLAYING RIGHT NOW! Oh, sorry about that! Hooo, maybe I should go see a counselor.
Prescott: Hey, it's alright. Well, you wanted to talk about my cadence, right? It actually helped me with my own insecurities, including that being compared endlessly to a certain former Dallas quarterback.
Romo: Haha, funny!
Prescott: So anyways, not only does it actually help with my own play, but it's also been so successful I've started using it everywhere! Including when I gotta take my meal from last night to the Super Bowl, especially when it gets really bad and I run out of Peptol Bismol, trying to clear the Dallas traffic on the way to the stadium, and even while getting busy with my special lady in the bedroom!
Ryan: Hmm, interesting! You mind sharing what your cadence sounds like? I was told by my bosses to ask you that. Also, everything I've been doing now sucks, so maybe I should try the opposite! Like trying your cadence.
Buck: Hell, I wanna hear it!
Prescott: Sure!
SAS: Matt, Joe, dear God in heaven, what did you do? WHAT DID YOU DO??
Prescott: [inhales] YEAAAAAAAHH! HEEEEER WEEEEE GOOOOOOOOOO!
SAS: AAAAAHHH! [jumps out the window]
Ryan: ... wow! That was something!
Prescott: There it is! I even got it coming out as a new hit single, so check it out! Talk to you guys later!
Ryan: Alright, thanks for being on here, Dak! Now to cover the other teams in the NFC-
Buck: Aand unfortunately, we ran of stuff to cover. So long from-
Ryan: WAIT! We got other teams in the NFC!
Buck: Ahh, boring.
Ryan: We've got the NFC West, where the San Francisco 49ers are probably the best team in the NFL right now! You can't stop George Kittle or Big Cock Brock!
Buck: Debatable. How bout dem Cowboys!
Ryan: Also, the other teams in the NFC West are pretty interesting too! The Los Angeles Rams and Seattle Seahawks-
Buck: Are frauds.
Ryan: Wow, Buck, didn't expect you to show so much homerism for the Cowboys! But, the Arizona Cardinals actually suck this year, especially as Kyler Murray hasn't started playing until now. Moving onto the NFC North, the Detroit Lions-
Buck: Cowboys!
Ryan: Actually kick ass this year! Dan Campbell's slogan of chewing off kneecaps has actually won the team over and they're doing pretty well.
Buck: Can we go home now? I'm bored.
Ryan: Fine, you want me to go into two-minute drill mode? Time to see some Matty Ice in action.
Buck: Hey, don't choke on it this time! Maybe the author shouldn't have wasted so much time not writing this article and our fictional interactions.
Ryan: The Packers are starting to come up now, and we're seeing Jordan Love possibly turn into Aaron Rodgers? Hey, you know who's a big fraud? The Vikings, Bears, and the entire NFC South!
Buck: That, I actually agree on! That division has been absolute garbage since you, Brady, and Drew Brees left.
Ryan: How we doing on time, Joe?
Buck: You actually finished it in less than the two minutes!
Ryan: That's why they call me MATTY FUCKING ICE, baby! WOOO! Play me, coach!
Buck: And that's Matt Ryan, everyone! We'll... let him have this moment. Well, that's it from UnSports for now! See you guys for the playoffs! Unless the Uncyclopedia writers get lazy and procrastinate again.
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Marlene Lenthang "Charissa Thompson sparks backlash after saying she’d 'make up' coaches' comments during NFL sideline reports" NBC News, November 17, 2023
- Christian D'Andrea "Zach Wilson tripped walking onto the field and summed up the 2023 Jets perfectly" USA Today Sports, November 19, 2023
- HOWARD FENDRICH "Why the NFL cares about Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce" AP Sports, October 6, 2023
- Kevin Patra "Matt Ryan joins CBS as football analyst; QB says this is 'not a retirement'" NFL.com, May 15, 2023
- Todd Brock "Cowboys News: Prescott's 'Here we go' becomes hit song, McCarthy surgery update" USA Today Sports, December 8, 2023
- NFL Memes
