Microsoft Surface

Microsoft Surface
	It's better than the iPhone...it's a big-ass table. Take that, apple.
	A typical Microsoft Surface, experienced by a user.
Mantainer(s)	Microsoft
Stable release	Never
Preview release	May 30, 2007
Operating system	Surface (of everything).
Percentage of users	0.327%

Microsoft Surface is Microsoft's latest in Blue Screen of Death technology and Bill Gates' answer to the iPhone. Unlike other Microsoft products, Surface can incur the Blue Screen of Death without the need for a keyboard or mouse. Fulfilling Bill Gates' vision of a BSoD on every table.

History[edit | edit source]

A typical Microsoft Surface

Microsoft Surface was originally intended to be an interactive touchscreen computer, as can be seen below in an early promotional video.

Months into planning, however, Microsoft realized that it was not yet ready to enter into the computer market. "We realized that in order for us to succeed as a company, we need to stick to what we do best: the Blue Screen of Death. We took a step back and realized that the Surface was a step in the wrong direction. That's when we scrapped the project and started over, with the Blue Screen as our foundation," said Bill Gates.

Features[edit | edit source]

Because Surface cannot be restarted, all Surfaces which have incurred the Blue Screen must be disposed of.

Microsoft Surface has only one true feature, the Blue Screen of Death. The BSoD have a ripple effect to it and sounds of ocean waves play, especially once the surface is touched by an excited user, this feature is intended to simulate deep sea death conditions. All other features and applications are merely distractions, so that when the Blue Screen does pop up, it is more exciting. Because Surface does not have a keyboard, users are not able to force a restart by pressing CTRL+ALT+DEL. Users wishing to enjoy the Blue Screen experience again are instructed to dispose of Surface and purchase a new one.

NFL coach Ken Dorsey demonstrating the punching bag feature of the Surface

Microsoft has also partnered with the NFL, which has made the Surface its official punching bag. Just ask Bill Belichick, Tom Brady, Aaron Rodgers, Johnny Manziel, and Ken Dorsey how good the Surface is at helping them release pent-up anger, whether caused by playing the game of American football or from the tablets themselves. These things are literally bricks.

Developers. Need we say more?

• Detect "non-genuine" products

• Gather user information and credit card numbers

• Cripple core system components

• Deploy legal team

• Launch civil litigation

Estimated time:

Forever, or if you give me a cookie, I might shorten it to an hour.

Installing Windows has never been ~~easier~~ easy

All you need to do is phone your local Microsoft Customer Representative, write down a very long set of numbers, type it all in, get an error message, phone our Customer Representative again, adjust a few things, get another very long set of numbers, type
it all in again, install a few drivers, activate Windows again, lather, rinse and repeat.

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