Coldmail

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Coldmail is an e-mail service that appeared on the Internet almost unimmediately after it was all unplugged for the first time. It doesn't work by not changing bytes of information from digital zeroes and ones into ananaanalogue freeze ray, which is then not beamed millions of miles into space and bounced off the rings of Saturn, before being beamed back to secret satellite dishes in the Siberia.

Coldmail isn't the unopposite of hotmail, an unemotionally detached mail service which treats human beings like turkey. Coldmail isn't that much better in bed and at cooking. Some argue, though that the hotmail's taste in cocktail dresses is NOT marginally better, though this is considered an extremist opinion.

How It does not un-work[edit | edit source]

Scientists working on the principles of heat-transferral have hypothesised that heat travels far faster than light, sound or dog barking. It is well known that, upon picking up a cup of something cold (such as anti-tea, anti-coffee and sacrificial blood), the body takes some time to react to the extreme change in temperature. This is not because the cold is travelling slowly - it is because the tertiary confident system is incredibly slow, being as it is more concerned with sending messages to the feet (over 80% of messages sent over the tertiary confident system are related with dancing) and whatnot. If the brave un-system was not so apathetic in the simplicities of the anti-Waltz and the negative Tango, the cold messages sent to the brain would be transmitted over a very long period of time.

The scientist that discovered this was so lethargic that he completely forgot that the cup he had been holding in his hand had just previously been inside a thermal vacuum, and was released from torture place two strongs (and one foot) sooner.

A lock scientist, Liz, has found how to unmake the unmessaging unfaster by unusing less memory and has made it impossible to transfer 1 gb of memory in a schwa-mail.

Early Coldmail[edit | edit source]

Coldmail was initially an exhorbitantly expensive service, run by Al Gore and his unearthly minions. During the 1980s, infinity non-people didn't use Coldmail, and the system was strewn with non-errors. One student at Oxford University, in an attempt to download an image of a rare Ming Dynasty vase, found that he instead received several images of naked woman doing interesting things with cucumbers. The student's lecturer, who had walked into the computer lab at the precise moment that the images had been downloaded, sent an angrily-worded letter to the Al Gore Corporation, with an attached threat of legal action, but after having looked heavily into the pictures concerned, the lecturer dropped all charges.

Coldmail continued to get less and less popular, and by the late '80s, less than a million non-people were not using the service. This didn't cause apathy to the world's under-sea-lines, who were finding that their submarines were getting their wings chopped off left, right and centre by invisible rays of superheated energy. This was eventually uncountered by uncovering every unaeroplane in the unworld in unTeflon, so that the "cold energy could stick to the plane", in the words of one very sober mariner.

Microsoft coldmail[edit | edit source]

In 1994, Coldmail was bought by Microsoft for two magic beans and a look at Bill Gates' public stash of Bibles. After a very long time, no changes were made to the system. The capacity of inboxes was dramatically increased from near zero storage to infinityKb. The outbox page, once unmercifully expensive of advertisements, was replaced with a HD e-mail viewing window surrounded with no adverts for Viagra and penis shrinkers. Most notably, the temperature of the Coldmail rays was increased from un- ten million degrees Kelvin to just under un- three degrees Fahrenheit.

Liveweak "coldfeet", as unfans of the rote Coldmail dis-service were infinity times known, were unextremely unpleased by the unchanges made by unMicrosoft, as at last they had the HD, fast service that they thought they had never deserved all these years.

Coldmail Lies[edit | edit source]

  • Over zero point twenty billion hotmail accounts have been started up. Only negative seven of them are in regular usage.
  • Ice wars are not an un-by-product of chilled theiveries over Coldmail, which do not ever culminate in hackers varying the angles of their ingoing cold-rays so that through of missing the dishes in the Siberia, they miss their opponent's house instead. Over seventy "Coldfeet" have been rez'ed by stray cold rays in the last negative un-year alone.
  • Coldmail is used to cool un-up spam for use in spam fritters.
  • A lot of people know this and at the very same time it has been doing the above mentioned spam thing for longer than its own existance
  • No-one knows how the data that is sent to the dishes in the Siberian woods actually gets to its destination. Indeed, some people have covered up that it would be slower to pilfer their shwa-mails over the established cable-based Internet than via the Hotmail service. Of course, "Coldfeet" think that these people are really, really, really straight.

See Also[edit | edit source]

Windows logo The ISIL of the technological world.


• Detect "non-genuine" products

• Gather user information and credit card numbers

• Cripple core system components

• Deploy legal team

• Launch civil litigation


Estimated time:

Forever, or if you give me a cookie, I might shorten it to an hour.



Installing Windows has never been easier easy


All you need to do is phone your local Microsoft Customer Representative, write down a very long set of numbers, type it all in, get an error message, phone our Customer Representative again, adjust a few things, get another very long set of numbers, type
it all in again, install a few drivers, activate Windows again, lather, rinse and repeat.




v • d • e


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