Windows Vesta

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
The Windows Vesta logo

Windows Vesta is one of the most popular versions of Windows besides being mostly used by blind people.

This version of Windows features more crashing, more bloatware, and even more hard drive space needed than even Windows Vista!

System Requirements[edit]

Over 9000 GB of hard disk space. (Both HDD and SSD are compatible)

An NVIDIA GeForce 200733544.

A TV card.

DELL bios. (Both Legacy BIOS and UEFI are compatible, however UEFI is incomplete and may experience many BSOD, and you can run it on a Mac by using DELL emulation mode (also known as bootcamp)).

2 HD-DVD drives.

10 USBs. (Required for installing Windows Vesta)

1 Floppy drive. (required to boot)

Programming.

And a microphone.

features[edit]

windows offender[edit]

Windows offender will send hate messages trough IRC if viruses are detected.

Note: It is removed starting with SP1*

  • It is Added once again in SP3.

Windows Pirate[edit]

Windows Pirate downloads pirated versions of games so your hard drive can get full.

Windows Virus maker 95[edit]

Windows Virus maker 95 will let you create a virus by a single click

Microsoft ERRORS 2012[edit]

Included in SP2, Microsoft Errors shows you error messages with a click of the START button on the Gui of the program.

BIOS corrupter[edit]

BIOS corrupter will corrupt your BIOS are prevent your computer from booting.

Criticism[edit]

None

Really?[edit]

YES!

Development[edit]

None is yet known about the Development of Windows Vesta. There are some rumors is that its created by Bill Gates in a computer accident in 2004.

Release[edit]

The official release date for Windows Vesta is June 18th, 2008


Service Packs[edit]

SP1[edit]

SP1 was released in 2009 and added more features like

  • More Slowdown
  • No more Windows OFFENDER to make you more venerable to viruses
  • Windows Virus Maker is updated to version 6.50 and features more error messages

SP2[edit]

SP2 was released in 2012 and features

  • Even more slowdown
  • more errors
  • Microsoft ERRORS 2012 now included

SP3[edit]

SP3 (The Longest Update) was released in 2018 and features

  • Windows Forced Downgrade, A service where every day your edition of Windows VESTA gets downgraded to a lower edition.
  • Windows OFFENDER is now included again this time detecting fewer viruses.

SP4[edit]

SP4 was released on January 1st, 2019 and includes

  • Removed support for Floppy Drives.
  • Windows Help removed to make it harder to use.

SP5[edit]

SP5 (The Neptune Update) was released on June 5th, 2019 and includes

  • Rewritten Windows Explorer to support DNA storage
  • Added in support for Windows 10 Apps by using a VM to run every app other than system ones.
  • Removed Screensavers

SP5.5[edit]

SP5.5 is a patch for SP5 that removes some of the VM bugs, and was released on September 20th, 2019.

SP6[edit]

SP6 was released on November 25th, 2019 and includes

  • Automatically download everything (such as Bloatware) to your computer
  • Even More Slowdown
  • Corrupted Themes
  • Will soon display end of support message that cannot be closed
  • Removed all Security Updates

SP7[edit]

SP7 was released on January 14th, 2020, the date Windows 7 ended support and includes

  • Added more tracking, and allow NSA to spy you.
  • More exploits for viruses.
  • End of support message will appear in every 1 hours and cannot close until you restart the computer.
  • Timebomb has been set, when it's reach April 2020, all the PC will explode.
  • Even more corrupted system files
  • Installing Windows Vesta now required Microsoft Account.

SP7.5[edit]

SP7.5 is a paid patch for SP7 to fix some bugs that deleted users file really fast, and was released on January 15, 2020

SP8[edit]

SP8 was released on March 7th, 2020 and includes

  • Even more bugs
  • Windows Vesta Media Player 10.0
  • Windows 10 upgrade software
  • Microsoft Office 2025 Beta Version (Does not really work, because its a Windows 11 app.)
  • Windows Running and Crashing Technology Preview 0.4

SP8 would become the last Service pack released free for Windows Vesta.

End Of Support[edit]

All computers with the OS will explode and BIOS become corrupted on April 1st, 2020 in favor of the upcoming End Of Support. (April 2st, 2020 for UEFI computers)

  • You can however avoid it by downgrading to a Service Pack older than SP7, then upgrading after the date passes.
  • You can also get a fan made patch where the timebomb gets removed.
  • The timebomb won't work on Macs, instead Windows Vesta just crashes, so you can just keep using it after the day passes.

It's own twin[edit]