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“I REFUSE to pay for .NET until Steve Ballmer tells me what the heck it is!”

~ Bill Gates on .NET

“How dare those fuckers develop independent software that runs on any platform flawlessly, I'll fucking kill them.”

~ Steve Ballmer on developers that have skill and refuse to use any Microsoft API

In 1987, Bill Gates invented the Internet and parked all .NET domains. After the .com-hype, Microsoft tried to start a .NET-hype. First they sold phones at MSNet. But too many people called at Microsoft Hotline, so they sent tons (1024 kg) of hotfixes, hotpants and hotmails every week to block the phone lines. Then Microsoft banished the Teletubbies, took their land and started selling pancakes and desktop screenshots. Since 2002, Bill Gates is the richest man in Teletubbieland. Every desktop is showing Teletubbieland, and with the next Windows version, the desktop firewall will be configured to block all domains except .NET.

.NET also known as Microsoft Keychain is a project in which all Windows users will be tagged with barcodes on the backs of their necks. Implementation is expected complete in 2007.

.NET also stands for New Errors Technology, a free supplement for Windows NT (and next like Windows 2000 or Windows XP) which is a set of objects that have to be used by programmers, otherwise their program will not be allowed to run. .NET will be used as a better hacking protection, allowing random application faults and able to use applications source code to navigate nuclear missiles if needed (in what will probably be a new version when random fault bugs will be fixed).

.NET World Domination[edit | edit source]

But let's not overlook the main goal of this vile and loathsome development environment called .NET. Microsoft has set out to capture us all in the vice grip that is vendor locking, until it is all too late and we find ourselves spiraling down the maelstrom that is sucking us down into total dependency on crappy third party shareware tools that only run on a bloated operating system.

Not by targeting the real developer, Microsoft realized early on that dependency or addiction[1] is only as effective as the number of people in the user base. Since most serious skilled developers would not touch Visual Basic or any other crap environment from Microsoft with a ten-foot pole while wearing a latex allover suit and a navy quality apparatus, this target group quickly fell out of favor with Microsoft regarding the world domination plans.

Winning over the relatively small group of geeks was marked irrelevant and soon after this idea got hold in Redmond, a large amount of monkeys with keyboards set out to write a programming environment for everybody to use from houseplant to trailortrash. If every dingbat out there started to point and click all kinds of useless small applications together that only run on one brand operating system, nobody would ever want to switch to anything else.

This makes sense, although this will actually never result in anything usable. Imagine, if you would, Joe Smuck, the unemployed trailer inhabitant. Joe has an el'cheapo Dell system and regards himself as quite the technological hobbyist and rather net savvy. However, on one unfortunate day, Joe installs some random iteration of the .NET development platform and start clicking. Within a few hours, he has made an executable that displays 1 single picture of him and his girlfriend, Joanny, and subsequently makes a beep noise. After this the application quits itself and leaves a giant program sized unaddressable gap in the system's memory that will remain unusable until the computer is hardbooted.[2] It is irrelevant if Joe ever starts up .NET again or not because the damage has been done. Joe has his 16MB picture showing beeping application that he made.[3] And this little executable ONLY RUNS ON WINDOWS.

From here we can easily see the method for ensuring that customers are so fiercely locked in that opting for anything other than Windows is simply out of the question "For it will break my own application that I once build 3 years ago". Vendor lock in, as it seems, does not rely on closed protocols or standards, nor does it depend on quality applications or richness of tools. You get the best form of vendor lock in when you go after peoples misplaced pride.

.NET is also a cesspool from which the horrors of shareware arise. All these people who should have never been allowed to touch interface design tool, start writing buggy stuff and after ugly skins, useless features and so on dare to ask money for this useless crap.

These two results of creating a useless but simple development that fruitcakes can and will use is the most important strategy since 1995 to rule the world by Microsoft. As an extra bonus people who are getting used to the crap quality that .NET outputs will be far less critical of MS own product line in the future.[4]

.NET Programming Languages[edit | edit source]

Visual Basic[edit | edit source]

Visual Basic is not used by normal people so we're not covering it here.

C#[edit | edit source]

C# is a programming language for sharp-minded people. It has lots of useless features. All C# applications should call Application.Quit(); in the beginning to avoid System.Explode();

In .Net 3.5 Microsoft introduced us to the world of Partial Thinking and the joys of non-deterministic applications.

The 3 billion users of Java say that C# is just a blatant copy of it, but Bill Gates has dismissed this with no proof at all.

Windows PowerShell[edit | edit source]

Windows PowerShell is a dynamic scripting language in the .NET family. Its distinguishing feature is a framework for Web 2.0 application integration, named Willy on Wheels in honor of the famous Wikipedia contributor.

.NET Application Lifecycle[edit | edit source]

The general lifecycle of a .NET application from a design perspective is as follows:

  • Page/Form Fires Load Event: This event is one of the main starting points of the application.
  • Other events: These don't really matter, seeing as though the Page/Form load event will probably throw an exception anyway. Therefore, making any other events completely useless.

.NET File Extensions[edit | edit source]

Extension Required version Description
asax 7.11 (Pronounced \ˈasseks\.) Used for .NET Ass-Backwards logic controls.
ascx 23.6 (Pronounced \'askäks\.) Custom Midget controls for .NET web pages. The .NET Midget controls power the .NET Widgets. The .NET Midgets are slow, even on quality Dell hardware. This is a performance issue that Microsoft says will be fixed in SQL (pronounced \ˈskwēl\) Server 2080, which is scheduled to be released in 2100.
aspx 3.14 (Pronounced \'aspiks\.) Provides an in-depth view of the .NET flamework.
asmx Wince (Pronounced \'asmiks\.) A pile of random-ass code used to slow this shitty flamework even more.

Footnotes[edit | edit source]

  1. Because dependency on Microsoft products could give the impression with some people that Microsoft software is actually dependable, which is of course a laughable notion.
  2. Which will be in every 15 minutes.
  3. Or as he puts it with using a totally uncalled for euformism that he did program himself.
  4. Where we, the people, are successfully killed of all the competition.