Windows 9

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Windows 9 was an operating system made by Microsoft meant as a world-conquering successor to Windows 8. However, it was abandoned before release due to issues with the mind control during development. It was only distributed to 9 people who lost all free will before the project was shut down.

After Bill Gates created the world's shittiest operating system, he wanted to create a better one. However, Steve Ballmer advised him to instead create an operating system that would sell more expensive $300 license keys and grab the user's money at every opportunity.

History[edit | edit source]

On October 17, 2013, Microsoft released the absolute atrocity that was Windows 8. After the massive backlash, they abandoned it to work on the next version of Windows that everyone would hate. Windows 9 was originally intended to be based off of Windows 8, but due to some smooth talking by Steve Ballmer, he convinced Bill Gates to create a brand-new platform with the sole purpose of siphoning money from the user. However, Bill had other plans; he wanted to create an operating system capable of forcefully obliterating other operating systems, creating a monopoly, mind control, and convincing people to use the Microsoft Store. Because of this, he kept the project a secret, only letting a team on 9 developers work on it.

During development of the mind-control features, the developers lost their free will and ability to think independently. They lost so much mental capacity they were more comparable to a rock than a chimpanzee, so Bill decided to reassign them to tech support. However, this halted the development completely, and Microsoft was forced to shut it down and work on Windows 10.

Remnants of Windows 9 were discovered in an early build of the Windows 8 to Windows 10 upgrade utility with partial mind-control functionality, but I can feel my brain going down to chimp-level mental capacity, so I'm not going to think about it too hard.

Features[edit | edit source]

  • The BSOD has 9 more shades of blue, depending on how much money you gave Microsoft
  • Everyone hated Internet Explorer, so all web browsers have been removed
  • Now detects license keys you got from that guy on Ebay, forcing you to pay Microsoft $300 for a legitimate key
  • Built-in features to help Bill Gates conquer the world with mind control technology
  • Each new program installed will cost you $9, but now Microsoft Office is only $9, so that's good I guess?
  • You can only install programs from the Microsoft Store
  • Automatically annihilates other operating systems on contact (and tortures the Linux penguin)
  • Attempts to convert iPods to Zunes
  • 9th bullet point
  • Microsoft has put Spam (electronic) on the desktop to make more money
  • Buying Windows 9 Professional Edition will reduce the number of BSODs slightly
“Every update to Windows brings a lack of Innovation and no Improvements!”

~ Bill Gates on Bill Gates on Improvements

See also[edit | edit source]


Windows logo Because we're worth it.


• Detect "non-genuine" products

• Gather user information and credit card numbers

• Cripple core system components

• Deploy legal team

• Launch civil litigation


Estimated time:

Forever, or if you give me a cookie, I might shorten it to an hour.



Installing Windows has never been easier easy


All you need to do is phone your local Microsoft Customer Representative, write down a very long set of numbers, type it all in, get an error message, phone our Customer Representative again, adjust a few things, get another very long set of numbers, type
it all in again, install a few drivers, activate Windows again, lather, rinse and repeat.




v • d • e


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