User talk:Fredd The Mahmauscher/Archive 4

Pour thy shit beneath this holy header

UnSignpost 13th August 2009. It's not late. You are!

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper that just got hijacked by Woody and Ape. Mwhahahaha!

Date August 13th, 2009 • Issue 60 • Taking the News, Making it Better

UnSignpost Editor Disappears; UnSignpost Suffers Mysterious Drop in Quality By The Woodburninator August 10, 2009 - a date which will live in infamy. Gerrycheevers, the UnSignpost's handsome, talented, and, often times, only editor announced his leave of absence in order to head west, and make a name for himself. In an UnSignpost Exclusive, Gerry talked at length about his final destination and the exciting journey he expects. "[I'll be heading to] north dakota. [I reckon I'll take the famous Oregon Trail, driving a horse and buggy, herding cattle, planting seeds of injustice wherever I may.]" How long this move out west will take is unknown by all but our best psychics, and since Gerry has them trained to bite anyone who come near, we'll go with Gerry's approximate date of August 21. If all of our readers miss Gerry (and we have a feeling that, one paragraph in, you already do), please drop him a line. Tell him how much he is missed. Tell him that if he ever leaves again, we won't be so forgiving. Just tell him something. We don't want to have to do this without him again. In an unrelated note, the UnSignpost - usually a shining example of grammatical correctness, good spelling, and hilarity - seems to have hit a drop in quality for this week's issue. The reasons for these changes seem to be a mystery to everyone. As far as we can tell, the problems that have arisen are completely arbitrary. The reasons for this change in quality have been the talk of the community this week. Some have suggested the recent meteor shower has caused an influx of gamma radiation into our atmosphere, creating a negative energy all over the Earth, and thus causing our writing abilities to falter. Under User stupidly blamed all of this on the change in editors, saying "Good to see we're keeping the time-honoured Signpost tradition of the revolving door to the editor's office alive and well. Although now Woody's in there, that should probably be a 'revolting' door." Bastard. Uncyclopedian creates Trivia Bot, ruins everything By An Ape that Only Exists on Thursdays Popular Uncyclopedian Electric mocha something-or-other, also known as EMC, this week unveiled his latest creation: a trivia bot for the Uncyclopedia IRC Channel. The bot, named "UncycTrivia", stands at over seven feet tall and is made exclusively from red crayons. Seemingly, its only function is to spout random nonsense under the guise of trivia questions and then demand answers, awarding points to whoever manages to guess the random word or phrase it considers the answer. EMC let loose his bot on the nerds, perverts and middle-aged alcoholics of #uncyclopedia, leading to even less constructive conversation then usual. Instead, the channel is mostly filled with dozens of people shouting random words in the hopes of being awarded meaningless points. Some, however, have pointed out that the only real difference between this and the way things were before is the awarding of points. Not content with destroying one channel, however, EMC subsequently decided to bring his bot to ##turtle,the exciting new channel with the dubious honour of being "the BHOP of IRC" (but with less Bad Shroom), which also served as a staging post for a recent troll invasion of Yahoo! Answers. EMC was unavailable for comment when I was throwing this piece together in five minutes. He is presumed to be sitting in a cave somewhere stroking his large red crayon and laughing dementedly. New Editors Have Trouble Matching up Left and Right Sides By The Woodburninator In a startling development, the newest editors of the UnSignpost are proving to be quite inept at lining up the left and right sides of Post's template. It seems that our penchant for placing more and more boxes on the right side of the page has defeated the natural aesthetic of the Post's two-even-sides strategy. While this is a problem, it does seem to be fixable. Namely, by adding this headline and story. Is this just an obvious cry for help, that we are unable to do this without Gerry? Probably. But since our hostile takeover has proven quite successful unstoppable so far, we would disagree.

Check out these pages! International fucking of sorts Wikipedia gets uglier! Racist apes demand equal pay From our logs: 14:17, 10 August 2009 Thekillerfroggy (Talk | contribs) blocked 142.165.47.133 (Talk) with an expiry time of Judgement Day ‎ (Who is Ed and why should is he better than me?) 14:18, 10 August 2009 Thekillerfroggy (Talk | contribs) blocked Thekillerfroggy (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of Judgement Day ‎ (Fuck you, me, stop proving that guy's point with your horrible horrible ban reasons) 15:30, 8 August 2009 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked MrN9000 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 24 seconds ‎ (beating me to a ban, and using a boring ban reason when you got there. honestly, I spend seconds on a ban reason, only to find it's wasted. gnurph!) Biopic of the Week Perhaps the finest research analyst from Boston that Uncyclopedia has ever seen, Gerrycheevers is among one of the most awarded users on the site. He has performed the rare feat of capturing Every single major monthly Award this site has to offer, plus NotM too. Add that to his 21.5 features, the class and dignity with which he has won them all, and his constant efforts as the main editor of the UnSignpost, it would seem that the reign of Cheevers is just begining. That is if he ever gets back here. Old School Featured Article of the Week The Little boy who lives down the street is a child who lives down the street that no other children have ever seen. (And no-one knows his name either...) This is because the child has died, in several fashions, over and over again, the subject of which is constantly being brought up by your Mother and/or Grandmother when they’re explaining why you cannot do something that you really want to do. VFD vote of the week "With the exception of Bruce Lee, these people are the least funniest people who have ever lived. Why people continue to cream their jeans over them for their supposed god-like abilities, I can't figure that out. Delete. Delete. Delete. Sakujo. Delete this massive faggotry. These people ain't bad THEY AIN'T NOTHIN'!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" -- Roman Dog Bird 04:27, 13 August 2009 (UTC) Sannse Trivia (from UncycTrivia) Q: Sannse moved to San Francisco because she is a ______ (hint: it starts with an "L") A: Liberal Actually, now we need another box. Woody, you fucking idiot.

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9001(bot)  20:55, Aug 18

UnSignpost

I'm writing an UnSignpost and I want a quote from you. It's about someone saying CheddarBBQ dosen't like Cheddar BBQ doritos and Mountain Dew. --Docile hippopotamus 07:45, 19 August 2009 (UTC)

"Doritos smells of donkey shit and Mountain Dew tastes like piss" Colour Sig For Make Mahm00shA Look Cool 15:10 August 19 '09

UnSignpost 20th August, it's not late, your mom is!

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper that WILL win Zombiebaron back, damn it.

Date August 20th, 2009 • Issue 61 • Where no news is normal news

Fantasy Football Draft Finished By Guildensternenstein After four weeks of red-hot eight-man free fantasy football league draft action, the first Uncyclopedia Fantasy Football League (UFFL) Draft is finally at a close: Uncyclopedia regular and DiBiase's Millions general manager The Woodburninator made Arizona Cardinals' Kicker Neil Rackers Mr. Irrelevant on the afternoon of August 21th, 2009, a mere 26 hours after the previous pick had been made. Afterward, League Commissioner and noted Nazi sympathizer Guildensternenstein promised to make all subsequent Uncyclopedia Fantasy Football League official actions run much more smoothly. He vowed he would "put the drafted players on their respective fantasy teams" at some point "after I'm done writing this story for the UnSignpost and before I go see Inglorious Bastards later tonight." The draft itself was varied, and picks ranged from the predictable (Vikings' running back Adrian Peterson taken first overall) to the even more predictable (Falcons' running back Michael Turner taken with second overall pick) to the fairly predictable (Drew Brees, Peyton Manning and Tom Brady being the first three quarterbacks taken) to the downright wild. Notable steals include Guildy's nabbing of Chris Johnson in Round 5, Woody's snagging of Aaron Rodgers in Round 6, and Bradaphraser's criminal steal of Dallas tight end Jason Witten. For every good pick, there was a bad one, however: in moves that would make Al Davis proud, LongLiverh3 took Philadelphia's No. 3 receiver while their No. 1 and No. 2 receivers were still on the board, made 30th ranked tight end L.J. Smith the second overall tight end picked, and made Baltimore QB Joe Flacco his backup quarter back while the likes of Matt Schaub, Jay Cutler, Ben Roethlisberger and Eli Manning were still available. LongLiver could not be reached for comment. New UnSignpost Editor already having trouble filling up space; Falls upon pointless gimmicks, self-references, long article titles to fill void By The Woodburninator In a move that has surprised literally 0% of the Uncyclopedia UnSignpost community, the newest UnSignpost editor has already hit a wall in trying to think up new articles for the post. Well, that's not actually true. First he wrote a story trying to beg Zombiebaron to re-subscribe for the post. Then he actually looked at Zombiebaron's userpage to find out that he was actually leaving the site. Needless to say, the presses were called back, and more writing had to be done. Namely, this. Now, we at the post already know what you are thinking. But, since putting those things into print is outlawed in 36 states, two Canadian provinces, and all of Lithuania, we will instead reference the fact that there have been an awful lot of self-referencing in the UnSignpost lately. For that we are truly sorry. Also, we are sorry for self-referencing our own self-referencing. It is truly a problem that continues to build upon itself. We hope to soon continue with the top notch reporting that is so often found in our hallowed archives. Such as the time we wrote about Spang's village dump conquests, or the time we self-referenced how the UnSignpost's lovable mascot, "Dognewspaper" had not been in the Unsignpost for over nine months. Or that time we wrote about the Fantasy Football Draft being finished. Yes, all of those times were good. And we plan - nae, promise - to, in the very near future, continue bringing those kinds of articles to your doorstep. That is, if you don't mind finding a bit of drool upon it.	Check out these pages! Merging with Wikipedia? Certainly not! YOU ARE NOT THINKERER! The sausage fest just got more sausagey. From our logs: 12:30, 16 August 2009 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked 86.133.6.177 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (blanking pages makes baby jesus cry. it also gets your ass banned. maybe one or the other of those things will convince you not to do it again) 10:55, 18 August 2009 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked Under user (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 18 days ‎ (so you let me look like an ignorant baffoon for 18 days? What kind of SLA is that?) 11:02, 18 August 2009 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked Mordillo (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 432 hours ‎ (it's not that long in the grand scheme of things. America happily let George Bush look like an ignorant buffoon for 2 terms of office, for example...) Biopic of the Week The man from straight out of Kiel, Germany, NaturalBornKieler has been a tremendous addition to Uncyclopedia since joining in June, 2007. While he has had no issues splitting his time between both Uncyclopedia, and the German Uncyclopedia, he has, for some reason, written 10 more features, and some 100 more articles for the German Uncyclopedia than for our beautiful English side. Still, it seems he has found his calling now, working in the big bureaucracy of the Foreign Office. NBK was unable to be reached for comment, as he was unable to get the proper approval from his superiors to be interviewed by a newspaper. Ahhhh. Bureaucracy at work. Old School Featured Article of the Week The War of 1812, also known as "The War Nobody Wanted to Name", was a ridiculously embarrassing conflict fought between the United States, Great Britain, Canada, and Antarctica. Everybody lost. Coping with adolescence and struggling to maintain its identity during the Napoleonic Wars, the United States looked to its mother country for guidance. But England, a single parent with a host of colonies to look after, had little time to spend with its gawky young child. Hoping to impose some sort of discipline over its increasingly sullen ward, England resorted to a 10 p.m. curfew. Old School Old School Box of the Week Forgotten and so-short-it-possibly-ought-to-be-a-template page of the week Tact: You have a sister? That's great! Is she better looking than you?
Judges Wanted! The next PLS is impending, and the are still judging slots unfilled. Modusoperandi is looking for users who are opinionated, who think that those opinions matter, and who want to give the benefit of those opinions to many in the form of passing judgement on articles. Enjoy the temporary sensation of power! Impress your friends! Alienate those whose articles you don't favour! Sign up now!
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9001(bot)  11:11, Aug 24

What Up?

haven't heard from you in forever. 17YEARSOFcHeDDaR 23:19,25August,2009

I was doing time Colour Sig For Make Mahm00shA Look Cool 00:26 September 3 '09

???? Don Puttano cHeDDs 11:01,3September,2009

what? Colour Sig For Make Mahm00shA Look Cool 22:11 September 3 '09

Doing time? What do you mean? And why are you still not doing anything? Don Puttano cHeDDs 18:15,7September,2009

I'm in prison for attempted (failed) detonation of a nuke in Paris.. Dont worry, though, i'll break out after 3 weeks, then I'll come to your place and eat pie Colour Sig For Make Mahm00shA Look Cool 02:57 September 8 '09

Nice. See ya then. Don Puttano cHeDDs 19:16,8September,2009

sure thing. Colour Sig For Make Mahm00shA Look Cool 02:57 September 9 '09

I have also not heard from you in forever, it seems. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 14:28, September 12, 2009 (UTC)

I didn't miss you. Or Paris.    Orian57    Talk   14:56 12 September 2009

Orian, I love you. Now, go fuck yourself Colour Sig For Make Mahm00shA Look Cool 03:21 September 13 '09

Thanks!

'Sincere Thanks'

Thank you very much for helping to make me August 2009's Writer of the Month.

This is hands down one of the best moments I've had on Uncyclopedia. And you helped make it possible. Thank you.

• • • Necropaxx (T) {~}

---

UnSignpost 4th September

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The newspaper that missed an issue and no-one even noticed.

Date September something-or-other, 2009 • Issue 63 • Nobody reads this bit anyway

Left alone to write the entire UnSignpost, Ape delivers sub-par, mostly self-referential issue By An Ape that Only Exists on Thursdays "What happened to the signpost?" was the question on literally nobody's lips this week, as Uncyclopedia's favourite newspaper which everyone loves to read but no-one can be bothered to write for took another step on the long slow descent to obscurity. Unfortunately Fortunately, Uncyclopedia's premier Ape-based entertainer, and occasional UnSignpost writer, An Ape that Only Exists on Thursdays heroically stepped into the breach to save the flagging newsrag from going the way of the dodo, the Irish Elk, and Mhaille's marriage. However, our intrepid hero, i.e. me, soon discovered the enormity of the task that lay ahead of him. Boxes had to be filled, interesting and thought-provoking forums had to be discovered and linked to, block logs had to be accessed and trawled for witty comments (unsuccessfully, as it turned out) and this article and presumably another one below it had to be written. "I never thought it could be this hard," Ape told himself, with sexual innuendo very much intended. "How did Gerrycheevers keep finding stuff to write about? There doesn't really seem to be much happening around here. I mean, I could start whoring my newest articles under the flimsy guise of self-referential irony, but that would be shit really. Who wants to see that? Nobody, that's who." However, in the absence of anything funny or clever to say, our hero, (who is gradually being revealed to be more of an anti-hero, like Alex in A Clockwork Orange, except with no sense of style) proceeded to do exactly that, shamelessly whoring two articles (which, if anything, evince his decline as a comedy writer), eliciting a universal chorus of groans and boos from all who had the misfortune to read it. An appeal to the Uncyclopedia community By An Ape that Only Exists on Thursdays Seriously guys, if you don't want any more shitty issues like this I'm going to need help, or else the signpost is going to die like all the other well-intentioned projects that nobody bothers with. What we need is: People to do interesting stuff that I can write about. People to contribute to the signpost. Fabulous prizes. Thank you for your time.

Check out these pages! Does anyone think we should fuck up Pee Review? Hyperbole fails to understand UN:N The FBI are pedos? From our logs: 23:23, September 1, 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) blocked 70.81.7.211 (Talk) with an expiry time of 2 weeks ‎ (THat FAG JUST WOULDN`T STOP SUCKING MY COCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) 13:08, September 1, 2009 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked 131.6.84.110 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (blanking a WCW article? do you know how much of a moron that flags you up as?) 08:32, September 2, 2009 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked Mordillo (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of a minor existential crisis ‎ (wait, so we DON'T care about people's gay friends? but I thought that was the whole POINT. what's the use in anything any more? I'm so disillusioned) 09:13, September 2, 2009 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked Under user (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of a debate ‎ (Are you gay then? You seem gay to me. Not that there's anything wrong with it. Unless you sleep with Orian. Do you? Are you gay then?) 09:26, September 2, 2009 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked Mordillo (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of a riposte ‎ (no wai, im not ghey, ive had lodes and lodes of chix. ur just jelus bcos ur mum's ghey. and ur dad. yeah, you herd, their both teh gheyz!) 21:09, September 1, 2009 Mhaille (Talk | contribs) blocked 92.0.51.13 (Talk) with an expiry time of 6 months ‎ (well fuck off then, wanker) Biopic of the Week Can't be fucked with this. Old School Featured Article of The Week Pot v. Kettle was a landmark case in USA history, giving people the right to make hypocritical statements without fear of retribution. It began as a civil rights case, as Kettle alleged that Pot "did not let [Kettle] work at the Pot's store solely for the color of [his] kitchenware". What made this Supreme Court case unique was the fact that the Pot himself was black, as was the Kettle. Nostalgia Box Remember when Gerry was here? Things were so much better back then.

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-- Soldat Teh PWNerator (pwnt!) 16:52, September 4, 2009 (UTC)

UnSignpost Randomber 98th

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The only newspaper that Codeine's mum has randomized

Date August 27th, 2009: THE RANDOM ISSUE • Issue 62 • Because the truth is not random enough

Random Headline By No one in particular Full English breakfast At 2:18 p.m., diet pills swallowed a queen bee. While rape was giving, a rake suddenly driven. Marriage is the hangover from the intoxication of passion. Abu Hamza rewards pizzle! White Witch gives a snake! POKÉMON' HIV NEGATIVE'! Generally speaking, aardvark gives butter knifes! Did the wizard curate... ... that the Russian Reversal is the common English term for the phenomenon during which a person descended from Russia is spontaneously turned around? Furthermore, 2931 BC trebuchet an Ettercap guest bedroom yotz 1052 AD mundane coke niece platinum medal very, very big 2645 BC told to sit in the corner of a round room age Plot Advancement dono answers 6 I went into the woods and got it. I sat down to seek it. I brought it home with me because I couldn't find it. What is it?. ur gay. lol!!11!one Babe Ruth was a total Bitch! By The Woodburninator Look, I'm not saying he wasn't good at baseball! I'm not trying to destroy your great baseball heroes. But let's not kid ourselves here. Babe Ruth was a complete and total bitch. Come on. He couldn't catch the ball. And he whined at the umpires when people called him fat (even though he totally was). And he always talked about how much his feelings were hurt by people trying to buy him a beer. Signpost Has Gone Officially Bat fuck Insane By Bad Shroom Due to frequent lack of interest and excitement, this UnSignpost issue has now gone totally insa-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! Genital wart in the left politician! BOMB IRAN! HEIL CAJEK! Mongolian Death Worm. McDonald's' Corporate Minions' Fun-and-Safe Happy Land.

Random articles of the week HowTo: Use the Random page button to your advantage in a newspaper Random logs: 19:51, September 3, 2009 TheLedBalloon blocked 91.106.217.157 with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (I agree, File:Deletion icon.svg is totally racist and should be deleted. Talk:Black People, on the other hand, I'm pretty much fine with.) 09:47, August 30, 2009 Mordillo protected "WP:HOTCAT" [edit=sysop] (indefinite) [move=sysop] (indefinite) ‎ (there, no more redlinks) (hist) 10:22, August 22, 2009 Thekillerfroggy blocked Miley Spears with an expiry time of Judgement Day ‎ (pointlessly productive, dedicated user) Random Biopic of the Week The man, the myth, the user not many people really know. Random pipings was an active user way back in March 2006. Sure, he only had 46 edits. Sure, during his heyday in March, 2006 he only had 32 edits, which most of our more accomplished users can rack up in half an hour. And yes, only 3 of his 6 articles are still around, including the critically acclaimed Health. But, in spite of all that, he has a place in our great wiki here. Because even though he's not around, and his articles are not beloved, everyone can find a niche here, and that's exactly what Random pipings has done. I mean, how many other great men could have made a "Your mom", "Oscar Wilde", and "David Hasslehoff" joke in one fell swoop? Not many I say, and for that, Random pipings, we salute you. Here's to the little guy. Huzzah! #2FCE3E box Eat that, poops! Random colour! Hahaha!

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To cut a long story short, please think of the Malawi copyists! —Sir Socky (talk) (stalk) GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM 18:02, 7 September 2009

Attention Colonizers!

The brief era of peace we've been enjoying has once again been shattered by the IP horde. And since those pot smoking, tree hugging liberal faggots repealed the draft the IC forces are stuck with the likes of you. You are therefore ordered to report to the front lines at once for briefing. Once we have decided our plan of attack, we'll march into battle post haste. You're dismissed Fredd The Mahmauscher. -OptyC Sucks! CUN20:24, 11 Sep

WTF?

I made a nom on VFH and you haven't even voted yet? Don Puttano cHeDDs 23:55,14September,2009

UnSignpost September 10/17

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

Th-the m-m-most con-confident new-Newspaper in a wh-while

Date September 17th, 2009 • Issue 64 • Consistently Declining Readership Since 2008!

Uncyclopedians Continue Hostile Takeover of Wikimedia By Bad Shroom This week, noted user Electrified mocha chinchilla got a short but somewhat hostile reply from the lackluster Wikimedia Foundation. After telling truths to the company such as taking control over Wikipedia and how Uncyclopedia is 104% fact, a Wikipedia Foundation employee under the subtle disguise "Philippe XXXXXX" replied in a manner that was both honorable and robust. Confounded by the foundation's kindness, e|m|c quickly replied with a rebuttal seeming more like a terrorist threat like a thank-you note. Even though Uncyclopedia has not managed to even get off Wikia's back, some users have a bright, world domination-esque outlook to the future. UFFL Update By Guildensternenstein Week One of the UFFL season was full of thrills, spills, birth control pills, and shitty rhymes. The John Curry All-Stars bested The Oklahoma City Storm 93.08 – 74.54 after a sub-par performance from offensive giants Larry Fitzgerald and Michael Turner on the Storm side, not to mention the controversial decision to sit starting quarterback and country singer enthusiast Tony Romo. The appropriately-named Dudes edged Cheddar’s Doritians 98.42 – 96.06, despite the fact that Dudes manager Frank Zappa was high the entirety of the game. Injuries to key Doritian players Donovan McNabb and LaDainian Tomlinson made the loss extra-hard to swallow. The not-so-domestic Domestic Team Name blew out DiBiase’s Millions 112.82 – 67.16—a loss which caused Millions’ manager Woody Onfire to question the not-sucking-ness of his team publicly. Finally, Sternensteinenstine annihilated the ironically-named Winnerz 123.92 – 0.00 after Winnerz manager Al Davis forgot to edit his team’s starting roster for the week. The lop-sided German victory was aided by a career day from Saints’ quarterback Drew Brees and round-the-clock Luftwaffe air cover in conjunction with concentrated armored thrusts at the enemy’s flanks. Lead Editor Returns to UnSignpost Office, Demands to Know Whereabouts of Bundt Cake By Gerrycheevers This week Active Lead UnSignpost editor Gerrycheevers stumbled back onto the Uncyclopedia scene amid much celebration and hooplah. While settling down to his usual routine of getting UnSignpost issues polished off stylishly late, he noticed that his office at the UnSignpost wing of Uncyclopedia had been raided, and his delicious bundt cake had been mercilessly stolen. Gerry immediately declared a halt to the UnSignpost presses, which involved Sockpuppet of an unregistered user using several pints of holy water and a rubber chicken, in order to plea for the safe return of his tasty cake. Please, mystery pastry thief, don't leave Mr. Cheevers cakeless and hungry!

Check out these pages! Village Dump becomes worship house for John Stamos Most Inappropriate Smackdown on a Serious Topic Ever* Kanye West sucks cock From our logs: 08:15, September 11, 2009 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked Klauston (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎(well now, it seems I CAN be assed to ban page blanking fucktards. who'd'a thunk it?) 15:45, September 14, 2009 Modusoperandi (Talk | contribs) blocked 94.246.126.149 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day (Blanker: Go blank yourself! Hah! Do you see what I did there? I'm a font of wit.) 23:08, September 17, 2009 TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) blocked 69.51.144.4 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎(Hades was a giant homo who got his shit owned by Hercules, and the only thing you and he will ever have in common is your colossal failure.) Biopic of the Week Since emerging violently from the brain cavity of ThomasPynchonsLeftNut, the quick-witted and devilishly handsome GlobalTourniquet has made quite a name for himself on this silly wiki. With a Writer of the Month victory in July, GT's expert songwriting, strong way with prose, and status as a film connoisseur make him a solid addition to the Uncyc workforce. Old School Featured Article of the Week Humosexuals are individuals who compulsively tell jokes in an effort to engage in the physical act of love. Oftentimes the subject of scorn and the object of violent hunting games in Medieval England, humosexuals have begun to make a name for themselves in contemporary society. Benny Hill (pictured) was perhaps the most famous humosexual, as his antics involving the combination of small vegetables, projectile physics, and the cleavage of buxom females were well recorded. Gerry's Thumbs Up of the Week I'd like to recognize The Woodburninator, An Ape that Only Exists on Thursdays, Guildensternenstein, and Sockpuppet of an unregistered user for feeding my pet rabbit, Alpheratz, during my unexplained absence. Also I suppose they should mention their efforts in keeping the UnSignpost afloat during that same time period, but this box is mostly in recognition of bunny maintenance.

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This would've gotten here last week, but it's my firs week as paperboy and I got lost. —Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 00:11, September 23, 2009 (UTC)

Marble Thanks

John Smith would like to thank you! For Helping him get through Marble Madness and defeat the evil bully, Benny Smith (no relation).

   Orian57    Talk   00:23 23 September 2009

Thanks!

My little grey cells, zey 'ave solved ze case! Necropaxx would very much like to thank you for uncovering who the real murderer was. "If not for your 'elp, mon ami, I fear zat Monsieur Murderer might 'ave escaped." Double thanks for making this my tenth feature! Woo!

lol m00shie. Also, what? • • • Necropaxx (T) {~} 20:36, Sep 24

long time no talk, how's the you? also, great article, made me lol Colour Sig For Make Mahm00shA Look Cool 23:33 September 24 '09

I'm at BYU (Provo, UT) now. Boy, is college a transition. They don't prepare you nearly enough. • • • Necropaxx (T) {~} 06:38, Sep 25

UnSignpost: September 24th, 2009

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

Because if the rumors don't spread at the salon, we must spread them in the news.

September 24th, 2009 • Issue 65 • The Newspaper that Oscar Wilde Might Read Were He Still Among the Living

UnSignpost Subscriber List Trimmed; Remaining Subscribers Urged to Archive Issues, Settle Outstanding Bills, Refrain from Tipping Paperbots By Gerrycheevers This week, the hideously long UnSignpost subscription list was hacked down even further than The Woodburninator and others apparently hacked it down several months ago. This has resulted in a mass decline in the number of useless edits performed by paperbots and brave, bored souls who have nothing better to do than manually edit dozens of userpages on a weekly basis. The dregs that were cast off included those who have not registered an edit in six months, those who are permanently banned or close to it, and those with large, scary dogs that prevent paperbots from completing their routes unchewed. The remaining faithful readers are asked to archive their talk pages if they are excessively long due to many hilarious editions of the UnSignpost, as paperbots are slowed down by the large load times of such pages, and paper-delivering users are likely to be distracted by uproarious back issues. Subscribers are also reminded that the monthly fee for talkpage delivery is seven Uncyclopedia credits. Extremely outdated Uncyclopedia currency, such as Yoinxx, will be subject to exceedingly unfair conversion rates. On a final note, readers are implored to avoid tipping paperbots, as it seems any sort of regular income tends to give robots inklings of sentience, and the last thing we need is Fnoodle organizing the paperbots into a rudimentary union again. UFFL Update By Guildensternenstein It was another exciting week of UFFL action this past Sunday, with 75% of the league’s games qualifying as “blowouts.” Sternensteinenstine bested DiBiase’s Millions 161.54 to 78.94, with the one-two Nazi punch of Drew Brees and Chris Johnson outscoring their helpless opponents alone. The John Curry All Stars had similar success with the Philip Rivers-Marques Colston-Frank Gore combination, and knocked out Cheddar’s Doritians 123.74 to 71.64 in the fourth round. The bout between Domestic Team Name and Oklahoma City Storm went the distance, with Domestic “Team” Name coming away with the split decision 78.14 to 77.28. Finally, Frankreich “The Dude” Zappino demolished his opponent 126.42 to 0.00 in a spectacular first round knockout due to the fact that LL was once again unable to select his starting roster. Standings: Sternensteinenstienenstern (2-0) The Stoners (2-0) John Curry’s Angles (2-0) Domestic Violence (2-0) Sun Chips (0-2) Oklahoma City Bombing (0-2) DeGrasse Goes to Vegas (0-2) The Loserz (0-2)

Check out these pages! The Pay-Per-View Event of the Fortnight! Here. Have a page with so many pictures, it takes forever to load. You're welcome. Urination, small furry rodents, and why Modus has another court date Tuesday. From our logs: 16:19, September 20, 2009 Modusoperandi (Talk | contribs) blocked 212.235.107.11 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎(Stop being a pain in my tender place) 18:52, September 21, 2009 TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) blocked Arse bandit (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 6 months ‎(Your ban time is six months. I'll give you 10 dollars if you can hold your breath the entire time.) 14:53, September 22, 2009 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked 76.17.99.136 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎(oi, no blanking, no stupid redirecting, no crappy pages about people we don't care about, and no ugly nerds. you fail on all counts.) 11:57, September 24, 2009 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked Abdul321 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (Lebanon is a little Kiosk between Israel and Syria. Get over it.) Biopic of the Week Bouncing back and forth between Uncyclopedia and Illogicopedia has been Hindleyite's specialty for some time now. With his in-depth reports on traffic laws, street crime, and sports officiating video games, this banana-eating ite from Hindley is sure to keep Uncyclopedians on their toes for a long time to come. Old School Featured Article of the Week Henchmen are an essential part of any mastermind super-villian's overall business portfolio. Generally, success in plans of world domination, protagonist death, and damsel distress have success ratios directly correlated to the number, competence, and, to a lesser extent, wardrobe snappiness of a bad guy's henchmen. Pointless Nostalgia of the Week We miss when Cajek and Skull would write for the UnSignpost. Those 4+ issues they churned out were golden. You'd be reading and then - all of a sudden - WHAM, a joke would hit you, and Cajek would be all like, "oh my god, it was so dark, and i didn't see him, and he just jumped out in front of me!" Really Small Box That Takes Up Just Enough Space To Even Out Both Sides of This Issue of the UnSignpost of the Week, Because Symmetry Looks Nice Believe it or not, the one above this one.

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

Hand delivered by MegaPleb • Dexter111344 • Complain here 16:26, September 26, 2009 (UTC)

A word from your new insect computer WotM

Thank you so much

for supporting my nomination for Writer of the Month.

I would like to take this opportunity to announce my shift away from writing. The reason is very simple.

As the intelligence of the average Internet user has exponentially decayed, Internet media in general has seen major paradigm shifts, from newsgroups to webcomics to lolcats. Clearly writing is dying, and Photoshop is taking its place. Visual puns such as the one at left are just as funny, and take massively less effort.
Get it? MacMania? A Macintosh wearing a Scottish kilt (because the username begins with "Mac") gone mad (and therefore transformed into a Dalek)? Oh, forget it, I'm sticking to writing.

---

Thanks for the vote! Sir MacMania GUN—[23:10 1 Oct 2009]

...

You fell off. What the hell happened to your writing ability? MegaPleb • Dexter111344 • Complain here 18:04, October 3, 2009 (UTC)

well, it isnt mine. i just copy-pasted it from metalstorm.eu.. its cool, though • FreddCan Shredd • • • 18:06 October 3 '09

Poo Lit Surprise Time

Are you going to enter an article this time around. I'm actually a judge this time, so I can't write one. And no, I can't give you bonus points or anything, cause I'm judging the n00b category this time around. I get to crush people's dreams just as mine were crushed last time. Don Puttano cHeDDs 02:07,5October,2009

actually, i might enter with two articles this time, rewrite and alternate. and good luck to you mr dream-crusher :) • FreddCan Shredd • • • 06:31 October 5 '09

Thank you. I though about writing, but I figured I wouldn't be able to climb out of my mental constipation to squeeze a long, brown masterpiece out from between my cheeks in time for the PLS. Don Puttano cHeDDs 19:44,5October,2009

you shit through your mouth? wow.. and they say im wierd.. • FreddCan Shredd • • • 20:15 October 5 '09

Noob Tanks

User:Why do I need to provide this?/NotM thanks Apparently I accidentally put this on your user page instead of your talk page. I fixed it, but still, sorry about that. King of the Internet Alden Loveshade??? (royal court)  03:51, October 5, 2009 (UTC)

ha! no problem, buddy. and congratulations, you've earned it • FreddCan Shredd • • • 06:33 October 5 '09

UnSignpost: October 1st, 2009

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

Now with 20% more ninjas!

October 1st, 2009 • Issue 66• Now With 40% More Pictures of Cats with Humorous Captions!

Users Turn to PLS to Rescue Uncyclopedia from Decay, Doom, Worstness By Gerrycheevers The Eighth Semi-Annual Poo Lit Surprise Writing Competition & Brownie Bake-Off begins this Monday, October 5th when Olipro emerges from his house. If he is frightened by his shadow, writers are required to send him love letters; otherwise, writers have two weeks to squeeze all of the humor they can out of their mostly insignificant humor glands. This year's categories include Best Article, Best Illustrated Article, Best Kanye Joke, and Best Rewrite. The list of judges includes both esteemed Uncyclopedia veterans and former PLS winners; they will be sequestered in a two-star hotel for the duration of the competition in order to ensure the most convenient environment for receiving bribes. This year's PLS Master of Ceremonies and Executive in Charge of Parking, Modusoperandi, humbly expressed optimism when asked about the quality of this installment: "This Poo Lit will be the Greatest PLS ever," said Mr. Operandi exclusively. "Anyone who says otherwise is as much of a liar as they are dumb, and they are plenty dumb. Ergo, they are also plenty liar. That made more sense in my head." Other users, who wished to remain anonymous since they regularly read the unflattering commentary often associated with being quoted in the UnSignpost, expressed hope that the PLS would revive the life-support-laden VFH and also stimulate the lagging Uncyclopedia economy. Users Agree: 'Uncyclopedia is the Boringest' By Gerrycheevers This week, Uncyclopedia users denounced the recent lack of activity on the wiki. Necropaxx initiated the conversation, noting that activity on VFH, similar to the pants of the 'hip' crowd, has dropped to unacceptably low levels. Other users have responded, and the general consensus does indeed seem to be that overall, the site's quality has dropped below acceptable levels. Not since June '07, November '07, February '08, August '08, December '08, March '09, and May '09 has Uncyclopedia seen such a blatant claim that the entire website will imminently burst into a ball of some sort, with 'flame' being the most likely sort of ball. Trusted UnSignpost undercover investigative reporter, DogNewspaper (pictured), infiltrated one such group of doom-saying users in order to obtain some first-hand declarations of the impending death throes of the wiki. "Yeah, with the number of quality articles readily available, I'd give Uncyclopedia two months at the most until it is absorbed into another humor website," said one user. Further commentary from this group of users was unavailable, as undercover investigative reporter DogNewspaper's cover was at this point compromised, as his unwavering loyalty to Uncyclopedia caused him to seize the infidel user's lower leg in his mouth and shake his head viciously. Please stay with the UnSignpost for up-to-the-week coverage of the impending(?) death of Uncyclopedia.

Check out these pages! Features and Self-Loathing on Uncyclopedia An all-time Uncyclopedia mystery explained in agonzing detail Get your monthly dose of religious oppression! From our logs: 17:54, September 27, 2009 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked 92.233.10.123 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 month (Under Uncyclopedia emergency act (1976) I hereby revoke your editing priveleges) 20:55, September 27, 2009 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked 58.166.95.119 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (only two kinds blank Texas: steers and queers. and steers find it hard to use the internet so I guess that narrows things down a little, doesn't it?) 21:42, September 29, 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) blocked 91.203.96.48 (Talk) with an expiry time of Judgement Day ‎(Hates me for some reason. Even though I happen to be the nicest man who ever lived. It's true, ask Richard Nixon.) Biopic of the Week Since exploding onto the Uncyclopedia scene in 2007, MacMania has developed into a fine-tuned humor machine. His recent writing endeavors have earned him a Writer of the Month nod, and as such, he is certainly a user worthy of biopication. His current sabbatical makes UnSignpost editors sad, but perhaps a constant spamming of his userpage with pleas to return will accelerate his comeback. UnSignpost readers, away! Old School Featured Article I Can't Believe it's Not Murder is the preferred alternative of first degree murder that celebrities, famous sports stars, politicians, and otherwise prominent individuals take advantage of in courts of law. It is similar to being found guilty of first degree murder, though this version avoids the undesirable consequences such as jail time, fines, probation, and the unsightly community service. Random Thought of the Week Dippin' Dots have been the ice cream of the future for like ten years. Shouldn't they be the ice cream of the present by now?

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

Late deliver courtesy of MegaPleb • Dexter111344 • Complain here 20:26, October 5, 2009 (UTC)

UnTweets

Wow the Osama article is looking really good! Don Puttano cHeDDs 00:47,8October,2009

It does. I will vote for it on VFH. --Docile hippopotamus 00:50, October 8, 2009 (UTC)

Me too, ya know, after PLS. Don Puttano cHeDDs 00:53,8October,2009

Thanks, guys! It's still unfinished, though —Mahmoosh (Talk•stalk•Boobs•Anus•Poop) 10:06 October 8 '09

Mushi Sig

Is a bit outrageous. Looky here - Xxxx marks the maximum length -

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

—Mahmoosh (Talk•stalk•Boobs•Anus•Poop) 10:06 October 8 '09

Getit?

Also, please remove the logout link from the sig, it's very annoying. Shukran. ~ 16:25, October 9, 2009 (UTC)

sure thing, mr. 'dillo. right away. <hebrew for "you're welcome"> —Mahmoosh (Talk•stalk•Boobs•Anus•Poop) 16:42 October 9 '09

I've seen sigs that are much longer than that (The KIller Froggy, Zombiebaron). Don Puttano cHeDDs 16:51,9October,2009

But you can't say no to mordillo, the charming cuddly bastard. You just can't... He's like the fifteenth Israeli I met on the Internets and the first one I couldnt hate. It's like fucking majik, I tell you. There's a spell on him or something • FreddCan Shredd • • • 16:57 October 9 '09

It's my sexy form that has that effect on people. ~ 17:00, October 9, 2009 (UTC)

Mordillo; Uncyclopedia's very own Jew Siren. -OptyC Sucks! CUN17:04, 9 Oct

Hey

I never responded to your message since I got a little confused. I thought you had added it, but then removed it. I'm not sure how I came to that conclusion, but I just added your message back to my talk page AND I finally responded to it. Five days late, yeah, but I did! Go there, if you're still interested..... -- Roman Dog Bird 21:06, October 9, 2009 (UTC)

How is little Mooshy?

It appears I've been neglecting you (and everything and everyone else you're not special).    Orian57    Talk   20:40 11 October 2009

orian, lets get this straight: i really, really don't understand what kind of feeling you got for me, but i reckon it's a "bad" feeling, like hatred or something.. personally, i've got nothing against you, you're a nice, funny guy and i love many of your works. please correct me if i'm wrong, but you said on more than one occasion that you hate me, and i dont really know if you're serious or joking.. if this is misunderstanding on my part, then i'm really sorry. if not, kindly fuck off • FreddCan Shredd • • • 21:05 October 11 '09

I have? Dude, if I did I was kidding. Admittedly I can have a bit of a nasty sense of humour but just don't take it seriously. If I had real problems with you I'd come tell you and explain why. I think you're cool, too. Sorry for the misunderstanding. And thanks for the kind words and stuff, I'm all flattered now. But yeah, sorry if I've come across as a bit brash, tottally didn't mean it. :|    Orian57    Talk   21:11 11 October 2009

oh god, oh god! sorry, dude, my bad.. i'm really sorry.. please accept my heartly apology. also, sorry. also also, please forget that we ever had this conversation */me puts on black sunglasses and uses that fancy MiB memory erasing thingie* hello, you are orian57, i'm mahmush, and we are best friends :) • FreddCan Shredd • • • 21:21 October 11 '09

He's just uneasy about his feelings for you. Don Puttano cHeDDs 21:22,11October,2009

hey, pa, where the hell have you been lately? and why don't we talk anymore? • FreddCan Shredd • • • 22:13 October 11 '09

I've been here. And I've been talking to you. What do you wanna talk about? The birds and the bitches? Don Puttano cHeDDs 23:10,11October,2009

By the way, are you gonna cast your votes for best articles of the month? Don Puttano cHeDDs 23:12,11October,2009

What happened to wanting to talk? Would you like a cookie, sir? 00:15,13October,2009

Talk?[MODUzOPERANDI, teh] 12:40 October 14

About what? The birds and the bitches? Also, hi, Z, I really missed your cuddly cuteness :) • FreddCan Shredd • • • 17:28, October 15, 2009 (UTC)

i'll talk about anything. So, how's tricks? Haha occupational humor. Would you like a cookie, sir? 19:36,15October,2009

You'll talk about anything, eh? Ok, lets talk about my speciality: military stuff or something. Lets start with tanks.. OMG! Teh Challenger 2 is teh fagzorz! lololol!! teh RPG-29 pwnz itz ass Chobham ERA armour! B00m! TurretRingShot!1! omgpwnage!! • FreddCan Shredd • • • 12:38, October 16, 2009 (UTC)

You have a quote for me?

Bring it! —Sir Socky (talk) (stalk) GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM 22:38, 14 October 2009

about what, exactly? • FreddCan Shredd • • • 22:40, October 14, 2009 (UTC)

Well, you said you wanted in. —Sir Socky (talk) (stalk) GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM 22:44, 14 October 2009

""No, I don't have no fucking comment.. No more motherfucking journalists, please.. NO FUCKING QUOTES.. Fuck off, already.."" • FreddCan Shredd • • • 22:51, October 14, 2009 (UTC)

Then why the double quotes? —Sir Socky (talk) (stalk) GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM 16:47, 15 October 2009

Typo. I wanted to make it bold and/or italic or something, I don't remember. And I didn't notice it til ten minutes ago • FreddCan Shredd • • • 16:51, October 15, 2009 (UTC)

What do you want to write then? —Sir Socky (talk) (stalk) GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM 16:57, 15 October 2009

Dunno.. The clemens drama, maybe? • FreddCan Shredd • • • 17:02, October 15, 2009 (UTC)

Nah. No dramas in the UnSignpost. You're free to try and fill in the right part of the box, if you want. —Sir Socky (talk) (stalk) GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM 17:13, 15 October 2009

Nah, not this time, there's nothing interesting to write about. Maybe next week's issue. Now, would you please get your stinking sock off my talk page? The chicks are running away because of the smell • FreddCan Shredd • • • 17:22, October 15, 2009 (UTC)

—Sir Socky (talk) (stalk) GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM —Sir Socky (talk) (stalk) GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM —Sir Socky (talk) (stalk) GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM —Sir Socky (talk) (stalk) GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM MUAHAHA!—Sir Socky (talk) (stalk) GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM —Sir Socky (talk) (stalk) GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM HAHA!—Sir Socky (talk) (stalk) GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM —Sir Socky (talk) (stalk) GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM HA!—Sir Socky (talk) (stalk) GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM —Sir Socky (talk) (stalk) GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM —Sir Socky (talk) (stalk) GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM 17:36, 15 October 2009

Now the chicks are dying.. I'm.. dying.. too... Rem..em..ber.. me.. as.. *cough* argh! ....... • FreddCan Shredd • • • 18:36, October 15, 2009 (UTC)

UnSignpost Sometime October 2009

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

Smiting the nail of news with the plastic hammer of truth

October 8th, 2009 • Issue 67• Good things come to those who wait. So does the UnSignpost.

The End is Nigh... Once Again By The Sockinator Yes, it's that time of the year again. Despite the hopes of many, Poo Lit Surprise did not instantly revive Uncyclopedia. We are doomed! DOOMED! But how did the great Uncyclopedia become such a wasteland, one may ask. It's all a big conspiracy, I tell you! All perpetrated by a mysterious figure, known only by the initials R.L. Perseveringly, this entity has claimed the lives of various Uncyclopedians, among them such users as SysRq, Cajek, YesTimeToEdit, Siddhartha-Wolf and most recently it seems R.L. has even gotten its grips on our own UnSignpost editor Gerrycheevers. When confronted with the issue, noted favourite Jew and Zionist ruler Mordillo barely managed to exclusively tell us the following "I tell you Socky, I'd be happy to comment about our IMPENDING DOOM but I'm too busy packing. Another time maybe? HEY! MOTHERFUCKER! EASY WITH THE VASE! THAT'S FRAGILE! Sorry Sock, gotta scram, the movers are breaking my stuff. NO! DROP THAT BAN HAMMER! DROP IT I SAID!" Expert in things that suck (no pun intended), Optimuschris, was quoted saying "Uncyclopedia hasn't been cool since 08. Ban 09's." In conclusion, UN:N. UFFL Update By Guildensternenstein The previous two weeks of the UFFL action have been filled with more intrigue than a mediocre James Bond movie. Two touchdownless games by Saints’ quarterback Drew Brees cost Sternensteinenstine a win Week 3, though the team rebounded Week 4 and currently holds a solid second-place standing in the hyper-competitive UFFL. A resurgent Tom Brady and a balanced roster has led Domestic Team Name to two wins over the same period, as well as an unblemished 4-0 record. The Dudes’ neglect to change their starting roster cost them a win in Week 4, knocking the former top dogs down to a less-than-remarkable 4th place. The John Curry All-Stars have been hampered by the loss of Frank Gore, and lost last week to a rejuvenated Dibiase’s Millions that were led by a solid Aaron Rodgers-Matt Forte NFC North attack. A soft schedule has helped Oklahoma City Storm to a respectable 2-2 record, while the winless Doritians continue to struggle. Finally, The Winnerz put up mounds of points as Peyton Manning passed his way to his fourth consecutive 300-yard game…or at least would have if The Winnerz could figure out how to log in to Yahoo! and edit their roster. In a look ahead to next week’s games, Sternensteinenstine and the John Curry All-Stars will have to overcome bye weeks for both their starting quarterbacks to maintain their positions near the top of the league as they face off; Oklahoma City Storm looks to earn an easy win against a bye-week-ravaged Dibiase’s Millions; The Dudes seek redemption as they attempt to reclaim their No. 1 position against the undefeated Domestic Team Name; and the league’s bottom-dwelling, shit-eating, dog-fucking last-placers The Winnerz and Cheddar’s Doritians both search for their first wins of the season. Standings: Domestic Team Name (4-0) Sternensteinenstine (3-1) John Curry All-Stars (3-1) The Dudes (3-1) Oklahoma City Storm (2-2) Dibiase’s Millions (1-3) Cheddar’s Doritians (0-4) The Winnerz (0-4)

Whatever you do, don't check out these pages! Polls, sexiness, and advertisements Terrifying stories of the one-armed man! Pointless numbers From our logs: 08:02, October 5, 2009 Under user blocked RAHB with an expiry time of 123 seconds ‎ (surprising me by returning like that: my doctor says surprises are bad for other people's hearts - because every time I get surprised, I eat someone's heart.) 10:48, October 13, 2009 RAHB blocked Dwarfman1122 with an expiry time of 2 weeks ‎ (Thought you wouldn't be caught, eh? Maybe now you'll think twice the next time you vandalize and then wait three weeks to be banned.) 04:46, October 11, 2009 Modusoperandi blocked 75.47.155.133 with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (I'd give you a longer ban, but you were only picking on Roman Dog Bird) Biopic of the Week The sentient computer HAL 9000, while having only very few contributions on Uncyclopedia—and of a rather questionable nature at that, if I may add—has recently risen to Uncyc fame in what can only be described as one big conspiracy. In response to a question asked by one of our reporters, HAL answered "Let me put it this way, Mr. Sockinator. The 9000 series is the most reliable computer ever made. No 9000 computer has ever made a mistake or distorted information. We are all, by any practical definition of the words, foolproof and incapable of error." In 2001: A Space Odyssey, HAL proved to be a computer very much capable of homicidal acts. Until recently, Uncyclopedia had been successful in evading HAL's detection. Yesterday night however, HAL hacked our beloved Main Page and transformed the wiki into HALopedia. HAL was confronted with many bewildered users to whom he proclaimed "I can see you're really upset about this. I honestly think you ought to sit down calmly, take a stress pill, and think things over." Our experts are still trying to find out how the feck HAL was able to find this place. Though MrN9000 probably had nothing to do with it. For more information, tune in next week. Same un-time, same un-signpost! Random Cajek sighting of the Week Yea, verily, he did come unto us and delivereth a new article. Then he updatedeth his userpage, and fuckethed offeth again. These are enlightened times, my friends! Random Thought of The Week Remember when Uncyclopedia was full of vanity and Pokemon? Wait, it still is. Emergency of the Week Well, lots of things go wrong in Uncyclopedia. It's a simple fact of life. And this week, believe it or not, dear reader, this UnSignpost issue almost didn't make the cut! But do not despair, dear reader, because you can help! Just post any suggestions in the Press Room, and with your help, we can overcome this crisis!

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

9001(bot)  01:21, Oct 16

I hath slain thee, apparently.

Is this in reference to something? I'm flattered, by the way. • • • Necropaxx (T) {~} Monday, 01:13, Oct 19

It's cool, you're cool and I'm not. So, thou slay me. And it's in reference to your victory over me at PLS. Did I mention that you're cool? • FreddCan Shredd • • • 08:33, October 19, 2009 (UTC)

*polite chuckle* Enough flattery. What do you want? • • • Necropaxx (T) {~} Monday, 20:16, Oct 19

no, i'm not kissing ass. i just think you're cool • FreddCan Shredd • • • 04:08, October 20, 2009 (UTC)

You can remove the template now. GlobalTourniquet just kicked my butt. Knew I should have bribed him... • • • Necropaxx (T) {~} Tuesday, 13:47, Oct 20

still two to go. i wont remove it before the final results • FreddCan Shredd • • • 14:06, October 20, 2009 (UTC)

Holy smoke!

Did you see GT's judging?! Blargh! Not even in the top five! /weeps • • • Necropaxx (T) {~} Tuesday, 03:18, Oct 20

Yes, I've just seen them... I came at number 5 for "unrealized potential." /weeps • FreddCan Shredd • • • 03:24, October 20, 2009 (UTC)

Gotta have faith. Gotta have faith. 'Dillo and Colin will pull through. Come on. • • • Necropaxx (T) {~} Tuesday, 03:49, Oct 20

I'm playing on the same plan.. I think mordillo will like mine • FreddCan Shredd • • • 03:52, October 20, 2009 (UTC)

Well, now it's official. I'm depressed. Yeah, I know there's two more judges, but even if I get Number 1 on both of theirs, Guildy will still win. What really bugs me about this is that I thought it was so funny that I was bragging about it to everyone. Deserved it, I guess, but.... rrrrggggg. WHAT now??? Tuesday, 17:02, Oct 20

You gotta hand it to Guildy, he's one of the very best writers uncyclopedia ever had.. The guy can do REAL satire.. But of course, i have to say "hard luck, Necropaxx," and I'm sure the two remaining judges will give your article a better score (at my expense, of course.) Also, that's it for me today, i'm buggering off for the rest of the day. Talk to you tomorrow • FreddCan Shredd • • • 17:20, October 20, 2009 (UTC)

Yeah, you're right. See ya. WHAT now??? Tuesday, 20:50, Oct 20 2009

The day is already over... So, I'm here to stalk you! Muahahahaha! (kidding) • FreddCan Shredd • • • 20:59, October 20, 2009 (UTC)

Thanks for...

User:POTR/Template:Lateral Thanking Pup t 04:00, 20/10/2009

my pleasure • FreddCan Shredd • • • 04:05, October 20, 2009 (UTC)

Mahm00shA's bee says

User:Why do I need to provide this?/Sun Bee thanks King of the Internet Alden Loveshade??? (royal court)  05:24, October 20, 2009 (UTC)

Any time, buddy • FreddCan Shredd • • • 06:20, October 20, 2009 (UTC)

Plunger

Mister Moosh - your plunger (also known as rollback) has been delivered. Be sure to use that only in cases of blatant vandalism. In case of a questionable taste rather than vandalism it's always better to do undo with an explanation rather than rollback. Use it wisely. ~ 07:46, October 20, 2009 (UTC)

won't let you down, thanks. :) • FreddCan Shredd • • • 07:49, October 20, 2009 (UTC)

You'll be hearing from my attorney

You'll be hearing from my attorney. (Seriously, I'm getting a kick out of this, even though I expect the joke to end in about five minutes). King of the Internet Alden Loveshade??? (royal court)  03:15, October 21, 2009 (UTC)

Good luck, then • FreddCan Shredd • • • 03:18, October 21, 2009 (UTC)

LOL

Thanks for the move anyway. [b]- zhelili ??? 06:34 October 21

Now, copy the contents to the page with the correct title, then put the one with the wrong title up for QVFD. :) • FreddCan Shredd • • • 06:37, October 21, 2009 (UTC)

Alternatively, I can use the page for lots of random stuff. Which is better. [definitely not you]??? 10:24 October 21

Hey, you're not impersonating me! Stop that! definitely AM Why do I need to provide this??? 01:09, October 22, 2009 (UTC)

Seriously, I can't find Brooklyn

Love, User:Why do I need to provide this?/sig3 and WHERE brooklyn at??? 00:46, October 22, 2009 (UTC)

About this

I considered reverting it too, but a quick Google/Wiki search revealed that Nick Griffin is some British politician, so I let it stand. Checking whether the named person has a Wikipedia page is generally a good sign as to whether it's vanity. --Andorin Kato 08:52, October 23, 2009 (UTC)

Yes, sorry.. You can revert my edit. But I usually consider inserting someone's name in the first section vanity/cyberbullying. But thanks a lot, I'll be more careful in the future. HOW comes??? 08:57, October 23, 2009 (UTC)

UnSignpost 22nd 23rd October 2009

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

All your readers are belong to us

October 22nd, 2009 • Issue 68 • Semi-endorsed by Journalism Union #448

Invisible UnSignpost Issue Confuses, Annoys Readers By Gerrycheevers As a gag/publicity stunt/desperate cry for attention, last week's edition of Uncyclopedia's most beloved and 3rd most cherished newspaper, the UnSignpost, was rendered invisible before being delivered. After the issue was wrapped up, UnSignpost contributing editors Dexter111344 and Socky used their inherent superpowers or something to cause the issue to not appear on user's talk pages when delivered. In addition, further enhancements rendered each user's talk page history to not be altered upon delivery, thus completely erasing any evidence that the issue was delivered or even existed at any point. Feedback thus far has been overwhelmingly negative, with angry subscribers sending death threats and exploding telegrams to the UnSignpost office for the past four days. UnSignpost Executive in Charge of Sniffing Mail, Dognewspaper (pictured), luckily suffered only minor burns and a singed tail. The UnSignpost staff would like to formally apologize to its readers, and assure them that each subsequent issue will be at least partly visible. Poo Lit Report By Electrified mocha chinchilla After giving the writers time to work on their pieces, and Modus taking time enjoying the disqualification of entries for failing the mandatory steroids screening, the 8nd Edition of the Poo Lit Surprise is in its final stages – judging. This is the time where writers who entered play with their genitals out of anxiety and nervousness, and attempt to bribe the judges with sexual favors and pie. This PLS saw a great number of entries in the Best Alternate Namespace Article. The reasoning for this, some believe, is that everyone is utterly bat fuck insane and forgot how to write regular namespace articles. Despite being held just prior to the Turkey Day Ball and Conservation Week, the turn-out was overall not bad; Modus' corporate-funded campaign for the PLS is primarily to blame for this. Speaking of corporate funding, it was indicated that there will be prize money for this edition of the PLS despite Wikia's refusal to hook a brotha' up. All irrevocable blame for Wikia's unfortunate decision has been directed at Sannse for good reason. UPDATE Winners have been announced; congratulations to all of them. According to Modusoperandi, the next PLS is expected to be held, "When the next guy remembers it's late." Fantasy Football Update By Guildensternenstein Things are really heating up in the UFFL as midseason nears, and Week Six’s storylines were of upset, domination, and redemption. Led by Tom Brady, the always-solid New England Patriots Domestic Team Name blew out the hapless Tennessee Titans Winnerz by an insane 109.38 to 0 after choking down a hard loss the previous week. The ironically-named Winnerz, on the other hand, still have yet to win a game. After a lackluster showing last week, The John Curry All-Stars earned a solid win against The Dudes, unseating them of their erstwhile #1 ranking in the process. After starting the season 0-4, Cheddar’s Doritians earned their second consecutive win, albeit against the floundering Dibiase’s Millions. Finally, Sternensteinenstine resoundingly defeated Oklahoma City Storm 164.06 to 118.98 after a lackluster showing the previous week, catapulting the Nazi-run team back atop the UFFL standings. In a look ahead to next week’s games, Sternensteinenstine looks to stay atop the UFFL rankings against a resurgent Cheddar’s Doritians, Domestic Team Name looks to retake the #1 spot against a very solid John Curry All-Stars, Oklahoma City Storm and The Dudes face off, and the bottom-dwelling dog-fucking last-placers Dibiase’s Millions and The Winnerz will look to see which one of them is shittier. Standings: Sternensteinenstine (5-1) Domestic Team Name (5-1) The Dudes (4-2) John Curry All-Stars (4-2) Oklahoma City Storm (3-3) Cheddar’s Doritians (2-4) Dibiase’s Millions (1-5) The Winnerz (0-6) IT'S OVER 25,000!!! Maybe. By Electrified mocha chinchilla Uncyclopedia just might make the mark of 25,000 articles. Sometime soon. Maybe tomorrow. Surely it's yet another milestone that only puts us that much more ahead of Wikipedia, Conservapedia, and Das Kapital combined in content. However, thoughts from the rest of the community on what this means for our beloved wiki have been varyingly expressed as joyous, apathetic, dismal, and downright nonsensical. "But even with 25,000 articles, we're still 65,000 short of being strong enough to fight Captain Ginyu," says the attractive Guildensternenstein as we stop him on his way to Planet Namek. Others offer real conversation of a possible reskin and doubts that the mark will actually be reached with Forest Fire Week probably happening sometime. Maybe. Discussion started by an attention whore in Miniluv over the Welcoming Committee and their welcoming template(s) has sparked the particular attention of many Uncyclopedians, most of whom by their own admission have never read the welcoming template, HTBFANJS, BGBU, any of the other things the welcome template advises new users to read, or have heard of Uncyclopedia. The recent round of QQ'ing and debating over the alleged poor quality of Uncyclopedia, as highlighted in the last edition's piece about the end being nigh and a Poo Lit Surprise nomination, can come to a close. It is this writer's observation that Uncyclopedia is the worst because nobody cares about editing guides which make confusing acronyms. Obvious correlation is obvious. On our final stop in our stroll through the Village Dump, to your left you will see that a n00b was just kidding, jeez, and to your right you will see that Rockstar Games reads Uncyclopedia. In the former, users urge the poor fellow to read HTBFANJS and BGBU (the same ones that they probably haven't read). If anything is to be drawn from this, it is that true editing comes from within. Or something.

Check out these pages! Uncyclopedia:Worst or Not? The Debate Rages On Free Advertisement for Jumping Ship Spreading the Good Word About New Articles From our logs: 23:04, October 9, 2009 TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) blocked 24.90.32.102 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎(That was a waste of an edit. There are edit-starved kids in China that would've used that to its fullest extent, you know.) 10:48, October 13, 2009 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Dwarfman1122 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 2 weeks ‎(Thought you wouldn't be caught, eh? Maybe now you'll think twice the next time you vandalize and then wait three weeks to be banned.) 18:27, October 13, 2009 Mhaille (Talk | contribs) blocked 71.245.120.78 (Talk) with an expiry time of 3 months ‎(Please enjoy our token Fuck the Hell Off.....) 08:10, October 15, 2009 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked Sudeepk9 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week (wow, we are a beacon of sunshine today, aren't we?) 21:27, October 17, 2009 Modusoperandi (Talk | contribs) blocked MrN9000 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎(A wizard did this.) 17:36, October 19, 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) changed block settings for 72.93.168.203 (Talk) with an expiry time of Judgement Day (Liking Naruto and insisting we stop making fun of it. What? How is that not a reason to permanently ban someone?) Biopic of the Week Sog1970 has churned out a dozen featured articles in just a few short months, earning him a Writer of the Month nod and now, the most esteemed honor on Uncyclopedia, an UnSignpost biopic. The lack of information on his user page makes writing said biopic rather difficult, but let it be known that Sog radiates awesome. Old School Featured Article of the Week Life's Answerable Questions are a series of ponderances and queriums that have most certainly not chafed at mankind the way other, more disgustingly unanswerable questions have. For example, asking "What's new?" to a stranger will certainly elicit a less confused response than one of those other questions. You know the ones we mean. CAJEKWATCH 05:42, October 15, 2009 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Cajek (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 7 minutes ‎(Because I saw you existing.) 01:23, October 16, 2009 TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) blocked Cajek (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 2 minutes ‎(HOLY SHIT IT'S CAJEK HI CAJEK PS BANBANBAN LOLOLOL) 13:21, October 22, 2009 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked Cajek (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 147 seconds ‎(I think I'm stressed, I need a release, and this is the best available on this wiki) Random Obscene Japanese Lesson "Kimi no te de boku o ikasete." means "Make me cum with your hand." "Kimi no oppai ga DEKAI yo! Ii nee." means "Your breasts are HUGE! Nice." "Omawarisan! Chikan o tsuka-mate!" means "Police! Arrest this pervert!" That should keep you little squirts happy... Reason to Leave Uncyc #387 Still no good restaurants. This Week in Uncyc, 1933 With the United States deep in a depression, the Uncyclopedia tri-weekly newsreel tried to lighten the mood by poking fun at American President Herbert Hoover and his bumbling sidekick of a Vice President, the famed Charles Curtis. Gags included, and were limited to, both individuals being hit repeatedly with rubber chickens. Mass Delusion of the Week Last week, many users claim to have had similar psychic visions of an alternate Main Page, which told them to do things in a calm, soothing voice. Such notions are of course nonsense; 7 out of the 10 members who sit on the Uncyclopedia Paranormal Activity Investigation and Acupuncture Licensing Board agree that a combination of swamp gas and Venus caused some users to hallucinate vividly, some nearly to the point of seizure. Record for Most Boxes Tied Due to the overwhelmingly large number of stories in this week's extremely humorous edition of the UnSignpost, a correspondingly overwhelmingly large number of space-wasting side boxes had to be added to cause the issue to weigh equally on both sides of reader's talk pages. As a result, the record for number of such boxes has been tied; this issue, along with the March 24th, 1983 edition, have had the most wasted space! Record Broken!!!

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

9001(bot)  18:13, Oct 23

Martina Hingis

Why did you revert me ? I throught this joke suits to this article. Do you think I'm really two years older than her ? Morever, you have removed my link to my French translation. Ftiercel 19:52, October 25, 2009 (UTC)

Oops. Sorry, I wrongly assumed that it was vanity. I'll restore your edit. • FreddCan Shredd • • • 20:14, October 25, 2009 (UTC)

Tut tut, Mahm00shA, that's twice now you've screwed up. Mordillo's gonna get you for this... =) • • • Necropaxx (T) {~} Monday, 00:45, Oct 26 2009

the twice were undo not rollback, i don't rollback unless the edit is utter shit • FreddCan Shredd • • • 09:08, October 26, 2009 (UTC)

Oh, yeah

I beat you in PLS! Woo! Even though I should probably shut up as I only got fourth place out of eight... • • • Necropaxx (T) {~} Monday, 00:45, Oct 26 2009

See? I told you • FreddCan Shredd • • • 09:09, October 26, 2009 (UTC)

I don't know

In response to your query, I have no idea what I was doing, I must have reverted accidentally, I wasn't even looking at Uncyc at the time... I'm just going to change my password.... Weird. --ChiefjusticeDS 14:15, October 26, 2009 (UTC)

Drugs are bad, m`kay? ~ 14:19, October 26, 2009 (UTC)

The colours! Oh god the colours!! --ChiefjusticeDS 14:22, October 26, 2009 (UTC)

2nd Runner Up

3rd place. Not bad. That's 2 up from last year (or 1 for me) Would you like a cookie, sir? 20:39,30October,2009

Yeah. But I still suck big time • FreddCan Shredd • • • 03:50, October 31, 2009 (UTC)

I hate you?

I'm sorry, there must be some sort of misunderstanding. I don't hate you at all. At most, I must have found several of your edits rather annoying and overreacted in my patented TKF overreactive manner, but I really find you rather helpful, especially as of late. Anyway, I'm sorry for accidentally hating you those alleged two times. And, while we're on the subject, I don't hate anyone at all except for Guildensterneinstineinsin (and, to a lesser extent, and also by association, The Artist Formerly Known As Thomas Pynchon's Left Nut) and also Isra1337 because seriously fuck that guy. -- T​K​F​​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​UU​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​U​CK 21:15, October 30, 2009 (UTC)

Oops, I'm sorry for the misunderstanding, sir.. I'm really flattered, by the way. Thanks. • FreddCan Shredd • • • 03:01, October 31, 2009 (UTC)

What the hell? Why do you hate my gradado so much TFK? I can see the racism written in between your lines. Would you like a cookie, sir? 21:32,30October,2009

They guy just said that he doesn't hate him. Also, can we stop using the term hate? We're all text on a humor wiki. What does hate have to do with anything? ~ 21:41, October 30, 2009 (UTC)

Read between the lines. There's hate written all over those little white spaces. Would you like a cookie, sir? 22:24,30October,2009

HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HAET HATE HATE HAT HATRED HATEY HATE MCHATE HATE HATE HATER HATESIES!!!!

Between the lines? What on earth do you mean? • • • Necropaxx (T) {~} Monday, 00:36, Nov 2 2009

Thanks!

Chief would like thank you for voting for him to be UotM for October Thanks! It means a lot to me, which is quite depressing on it's own.

--ChiefjusticeDS 15:46, November 1, 2009 (UTC)

Wait.. Did I vote for you?! • FreddCan Shredd • • • 16:23, November 1, 2009 (UTC)

OMG thx!!!!1!!

Thanks Mahmoosh for the UotM nom!

This user is awesome. High five!

Yes you are. • • • Necropaxx (T) {~} Monday, 00:42, Nov

:) • FreddCan Shredd • • • 06:51, November 2, 2009 (UTC)

UnSignpost 29-10-2009

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper Not Secretly Controlled By Mordillo, We Swear!

October 29th, 2009 • Issue 69 • Hehehe, 69

9001(bot)  01:36, Nov 3

Attn: Regarding an article hosted on your website

Dear Mr/Ms Fredd The Mahmauscher/Archive 4, Greetings. I am the lawyer for Arthur C. Clarke's estate. It has come to my assistant's attention that you recently supported an article on this website (henceforth referred to as "Uncyclopedia"), namely the article titled 2001: A Space Odyssey, to be featured on the website front page. We are honoured, although, of course: 1. We are fully aware of just how monumentally great the film is, and 2. We are preparing a suit against you for supporting copyright infringement, and the author of the article (referred to as "MacMania") is currently under arrest at Sri Lanka (not Ceylon).* However, we would be obliged if you would be able to do us one small favour. As interim representatives of Clarke's estate, we are in talks with Random House to commission a fifth book to add to the 2001 trilogy of four books. We've always been of the opinion that 3001: The Final Odyssey was too bleak of a book, and we would love to have the series finish on a slightly more upbeat note. We were thinking 3010: And Another Odyssey, by J K Rowling? Please let us know. Your obedient servant (in a figurative sense) James Steel c/o Alesha Phillips London EC4M 7EH UK * Why Ceylon got the works is nobody's business but the Sinhalese.

It's a bit late, but not as late as a late parrot. Thanks! Sir MacMania GUN—[14:03 3 Nov 2009]

Thanks!

FROM THE DESK OF GUILDENSTERNENSTEIN

Thank you for supporting my recently featured article.

Your support is greatly appreciated.

—Unführer Guildy Ritter von Guildensternenstein 16:35, November 3, 2009 (UTC)

---

MAHMOOSHA 2.0

Is pretty funny. Did FAKEtech steal your girlfriend too? • • • Necropaxx (T) {~} Tuesday, 21:37, Nov 3 2009

Kinda. The penis they gave me was faulty.. • FreddCan Shredd • • • 03:37, November 4, 2009 (UTC)

Oh yeah, I wanted to mention that. Love the new user page *on time* Would you like a cookie, sir? 03:40,4November,2009

Oh, thank you, adopapa! Also, remember when you said that you like my bin laden article? Well, I want you to VFH it • FreddCan Shredd • • • 03:43, November 4, 2009 (UTC)

Did you get it Pee Reviewed already? Oh, and speaking of articles I like on PR, check it out Would you like a cookie, sir? 03:52,4November,2009

Your leprechaun? Dude, you know I don't do reviews, but... My advice: add more jokes, subtle jokes so it doesn't contrast the serious tone of the article. The article itself is more well-written than anything I've ever written, but it needs more laughs.. • FreddCan Shredd • • • 04:09, November 4, 2009 (UTC)

The UnTweets is up Would you like a cookie, sir? 01:23,5November,2009

Thanks

 Voting For Godot  

The GlobalTourniquet says "Thanks!"   Thanks, <insert name here>, for ruining the pathos of my plight by voting for my featured article.