Coronation Street
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“You see? We were going somewhere with that.”
“I was astonished how misogynistic Fred was.”
“What is this that stands before me? Big black shape with eyes of fire”
“Ey Oop, Chuck!”
“Sound”
“Fancy trying some o' those speedballs? I 'ear they're what posh folk down 'int London 'ave instead of 'orlicks”
“The stench of rotting human flesh and the sight of bones and skulls scattered across the cobblestones was like something from the darkest corner of Hell itself. I was warned beforehand to expect the worst but nothing on God's earth could have prepared me for this.”
“I might regenerate. I don’t know. Feels different this time…”
“Don't tell anyone, but we've been recycling the same plots for decades”
“Where else am I going to work?”
“No more than eight inches he said. That bastard Cyril Blenkinsopp. Eight fucking inches? Fifteen inches more like. Last fucking time I let him wander up my Khyber Pass. I'll be shitting blood 'til next fucking Tuesday, so I will”
Coronation Street (known in t'local area as Corrie, Corro, The Corrs, or simply The Longest Running and Most Watched Soap Opera on British Television) has gone and won shedload o' awards at the Soap Oscars, including Loudest Fart of the Year, consistently won by Fred Elliot. We're always better than EastEnders of course.
It were first broadcast on 9 December 1960 back in t'day when all the world were smokey an' all black and white and that. We even had tellies wi'owt colour and toilet in back garden. It were made by Grenada Television. (Corrie I'm talkin' about, not toilet in back garden).
Our Dad would come home from t'pit, switch on telly of an evening, wait fer an hour while telly warmed up, and we'd sit in front of telly on wooden box, rememberin' not t'wriggle too much or we'd get splinter in us legs.
It were not only the programme to watch of a week, it were the only programme on. Folk in my street could only afford to watch one programme 'cos Our Dads couldn't afford to pay electric bills for watchin' "shite".[1]
The only thing Our Mam didn't like about t'programme were it's over-the-top northern language and dialect; characters on Corrie were using terms like "eh, chuck?", "nowt", and "by 'eck!" when no bugger in their right mind uses talk like Ecky-Thump in real life.
Blimey ... what a shite show.
The show's most watched episode was over 73 million viewers on 27th January 1971, who tuned in to see Ken Barlow's hermaphrodite lover Valentino being electrocuted by their own guitar after using match sticks for a plug and accidentally standing in a puddle of Uncle Albert Tatlock's piss from his ruptured colostomy bag.
T'Rivalry Wi' 'T'other soap on t'BBC'[edit | edit source]
See, we had our programme on t'telly on Monday night at ha'past seven and Wednesday night at ha'past seven, for 24 year. Then they come along an' had their programme on Tuesday nights at ha'past seven and Thursday nights at ha'past seven. They were scared, 'cos we were more popular and more loved an they din't want to be up against us. We showed them who was boss by chucking in an extra episode on Fridays at ha' past seven. Then they got a bit o' the cocky cocknies about it and chucked an extra episode on Mondays at eight. So we bunged an extra episode on Sundays at ha' past seven Then they added t'other episode on a Friday at eight, which meant it started on telly after we finished. The bastards. So we put an episode after them on Mondays at ha' past eight. Ha! That showed 'em.
It is a good thing for the show that people are living longer, since most of their audience is over 90.
T'Setting[edit | edit source]
Coronation Street is set in a made-up, fictional, like, street in Manchesterland, Up north in England. The programme focuses on the lives of various simple folk wi' mortgages and cars, from the saucy Desperate Deirdre to the loveable Jack Duckworth. Regular storylines include folk popping t'shop fer food. Every couple of years, they have big clear out by droppin' plane on Street or drivin' a truck into local pub.
T'Filming[edit | edit source]
Each programme is made about a year before it's on telly, so if one of t'actors croaked it, you'd still be watching 'em on telly for about a year after they passed away. This confuses a lot o' folk, they read in t'paper that so-and-so behind the bar at t'Rover's Return has popped her clogs, but she can still be seen on telly. Our Mam thought it were another actor playing the part an' telly company were using Hollywood special effects, like superimposin' old actor's face over new actor's face. Our Nanna thought it were just dead body of actor bein' controlled by wires or summat.
Also, Our Nanna couldn't understand how it could be all sunny like on Corrie, but outside her window it were all raining like because she only lives 2 mile from studios. Mind you, our Nan refused to buy colour telly fer ten year 'cause she reckoned t'actors were better in Black and White
This series is set largely in a retirement home with rooms painted to look like a street.
T'Tram Crash[edit | edit source]
EastEnders's Heather Troll all the way down in Walford farted causing a tram to fall of a bridge killing everyone...oh wait an EXPLOSION which everyone seems to have forgotten about.
Anyway, killed was loose-balled Ashley, Molly, and Charlotte the monkey. Oh yeah, don't forgot some random TAXI DRIVER who died.
T'Current Characters[edit | edit source]
| Ken Barlow | Is the oldest actor in the world, and best friends with the ghosts of erotic, post-modern writers. Married Deirdre six times in one year, so she had to die to get rid of him. Ken looks at the street like the greatest piece of art ever produced by the Victorians. The other characters look up to him like he's God. |
| Rita Sullivan | Red headed cross-drssser, exotic dancer by night, newsagent by day. What is it with her and trams? |
| Peter Barlow | "Reformed" alcoholic with a tendency for revenge. |
| Gail Potter... I mean Tilsley...I mean Platt...I Mean Hillman....I mean McIntyre | Tortoise bunny-boiler who calls Emos' Emus', who actually looks like an emu when in a ruffle. Loses men chronically. Married four times, with three husbands dead and the other who moved away and now never visits his son. Her kids also have a tendency to change their faces and never visit after moving away. |
| Tracy Barlow | Currently portrayed by its 91st actor in the role. Not really related to Ken, spawned by Deirdre, who is deeply embarrassed about that. When she gets bored of a boyfriend she likes to murder them. Kate Ford, who currently plays Tracy, has the enviable reputation as being one of the worst actresses to have ever lived, having been kicked out of West Gorton's Am-Dram society in 1941 for being "too wooden" and for being "unable to say her lines without them sounding like she's reading them right off the script." |
| Audrey Roberts | Gail's Mam, hMM? hMM? who employs bitchy hairdressers who can only brush and mess with hair, not cut it. Glamour granny. Recent love interests include 90 year old male prostitutes and cross-dressers. |
| Nick Tilsley | Our Nicky once left the Street for Canada for a few months before returning with a different face and a sudden six-pack. Then left. Then came back. Then left again. Then came back with a different face again. Currently due to leave again any day now. |
| Kevin Webster | Sweaty, dirty, hairy; but a hero. Spends most of his life under cars and women. Currently single, after finally deciding to trade Sally in for a younger model then changed his mind. Now Sally hates him, t'other woman is dead and he's been dumped with their sprog. |
| Jenny Bradley | Daughter of some nutter that got ran over by a bus. |
| Sally Metcalfe | Seriously, you would though wouldn't you? |
| Sarah Platt | Gail's slapper daughter, has been with most of the people in the street. |
| Liz McDonald | The Slag Queen. Her husband Jim thought she was that much of a slag, he decided to do a Jeffery Epstein and go out with someone much younger than him. |
| Steve McDonald | Son of the Slag Queen, he just LOOKS like he has a "social disease" or three. Somehow really good at hooking women that are too good for him (Vicky, Karen) but deep down he's right at home with a slag (Becky) who puts his Dear Old Mum to shame. He has one of the largest recorded vocabularies with two spectacular words - FLIPPIN' HECK! |
| David Platt | Is said to be made up of many psychological disorders. Seems to have calmed down after being diagnosed with epilepsy which everyone seems to have forgotten about. Recently got married to Becky's sister Kylie before meeting her. Kylie was killed in 2016 by a local chav named Clayton, and for whatever reason David chose to go out with his mom. |
| Norris Cole | Has the largest nose ever recorded for a molerat. Recently convicted for causing a massive train crash due to the driver being blinded by his shiny bald head. When not in jail, serves as Rita's feelthy bald spider-eating man-bitch and whipping boy. Always asking for more of the lash. Now officially dead, after years of suspicion about his mortality status. The rest of T'Street was happy to see him buried and held a block party on his grave |
| Sophie Webster | Local lesbian. Has the strongest Manchester accent on-screen. If you squint she looks a bit like a bloke. |
| Daniel Osbourne | One of Ken's sons. He was married to a relative of Beth's before she got Walter White's Illness. He then chose to go out with Sarah's daughter, despite the age gap between the pair. |
| Roy Cropper | Cardigan Wearer of the Year 2001. Also voted Best Dressed Man o' 1977 (In 1998). Hobbies include saying "Hello", and stuttering ancient knowledge under his breath. Likes bats and steam trains. "A simple orange juice" will suffice for Roy. |
| Leanne Battersby | Former hooker who was recently found by her long lost mother...looks like she was a hooker too! |
| Toyah Battersby | Hooker, who like her sister has slept with most of the men in the street. |
| Tyrone Dobbs | Fat meat-headed mechanic. |
| Dev Alahan | Local asian shopkeeper (every street has one) Eats scenery like it's chocolate. Has a child in pretty much every county in England, the mucky sod. Married Sunita and slept with Deirdre...chaser extraordinaire! |
| Eileen Grimshaw | How many new family members!!! |
| Todd Grimshaw | Local gay man-slag. Snogged the first incarnation of Nick Tilsley before he regenerated. Got driven gay by having sex with Sarah Platt. Went off to London and came back slutty, bedding every eligible gay bloke on T'Street, including Sean's fit husband Marcus. Rather like his brother, Jason, only with lads instead of women. |
| Maria Connor | David's childhood crush. Mildly illiterate and acts like she's posh but if she were, she would know how to read and not be living in this Godforsaken street. Loves the fake tan in a can, even in January. Bitch, you're not Snooki. CARLA IS HER MORTAL ENEMY because Carla succeeds at everything Maria tries for. Turned Marcus Cole straight, but it didn't take after Hot Toddy threw himself at him. |
| Kirk Sutherland | Just a bit of low IQ comedy. |
| Adam Barlow | Sarah's scottish husband. |
| Fiz Brown | Like Gail, ginger Fiz got locked up for a murder she didn't commit. Has matured over the years from "fat and ugly" to "overweight and mildly uncomfortable to look at." |
| Chesney Brown | A ginger child despite the name, mothered by his grizzly-bear of a sister called Fiz. Recently popped his cherry and decided to start a family. |
| Sean Tully | Longest serving gay character. Started off as refreshingly funny, then over the years became 'GET THE FUCK OFF MY SCREEN' annoying. His actor was gifted with a chat show by ITV, which promptly crashed and burned. |
| Billy Mayhew | Seriously fit and shoulder-tattooed gay vicar on Coronation Street of no fixed denomination. For a clergyperson who's supposed to uphold monogamy, Billy boy has had it off with several gay characters on the street- Sean Tully and unfortunately, the uber man-slag known as Hot Toddy. He seems stuck with him at the moment because of his crap sense of judgement. |
| Ryan Connor | Michelle's first son and a bit of a dope. |
| Carla Connor | The type of woman the word MILF was invented for. Black widow type, and the only successful, independent woman on the street - despite that, she has horrible luck with men. Her first husband died. Her next conquest was his brother who was married, then died. The second husband was a murderer, then died. Her most recent boyfriend was a violent rapist... who died. But hey that's Weatherwood for you. HER MORTAL ENEMY/SECRET SIST-EH is Maria. |
| Simon Barlow | Cute kid with a higher IQ than Kirk. Makes old ladies watching go 'Aww!' whenever he says something clever/cheeky. A better actor than half the cast. |
| Anna Windass | MILF. Was happily married to Eddie until he decided to propose to her... wait, what? Now has a foster daughter called Faye and hooked up with 'Awen |
| Gary Windass | Chesney's big bro who was in the army. Recently became the street's answer to The Godfather and a "hammerhead loan shark". |
| Mary Taylor | Breaths heavily after every word. Lives in a magic campervan which moves all over the place. |
| Aldi and Asda | Two of Dev's children who constantly run around everywhere wrecking the joint. Dev recently started bumming Aadi after he found out he had a talent for golf. |
| Izzy Armstrong | Feisty wheelchair user. |
| Faye Windass | Troubled child fostered by Anna. Has told the most lies of any young girl EVER. |
| Brian Packham | UFO obsessed teacher. |
| Beth Tinker | Just some more low IQ comic relief. |
| Craig Tinker | Formerly obese son of Beth, who tried to become a cop but got rejected. |
| Yasmeen Metcalfe | Currently in jail due to her husband's abuse, and is too much of a coward to do something about it. |
| Geoff Metcalfe | Radio DJ turned psychopathic domestic abuser, lover of escorts and self-proclaimed magician. |
T'Order I'd Do The Fit Women On The Show[edit | edit source]
Michelle Keegan - Good god, who wouldn't pump that?!
Helen Flanagan - Just imagine ploughing in and out of that!
Nikki Sanderson - Face of a 16yo, body of a 28yo
Suranne Jones - If nothing else but to see those huge titties bounce all over the place!
Tina O'Brien - Like giving it to your mate's younger sister
Kevin Webster - With Tache, obviously
Sally Whittaker - In the unlikely event that you can talk her into a four-way with her daughters
T'Our Ken Barlow Versus Mike Baldwin[edit | edit source]
Over t'years there's been a reet few tasty messins between the two Gods of Corrie. Most of these happened before were bought a Betamax video in late '80s.[2] So I'm sorry if I'm remembering badly here:
- Ken sneaked into Mike's bathroom in t'middle of night and stretched clingfilm over t'toilet seat.
- Ken told everyone in Rovers that Mike had a cock like a chipolata.
- Mike tampered with Ken's message t'milkman. Ken ended up with 185 bottles o'milk on his doorstep next morning.
- Mike ingested crocodile eggs that had been slipped into his morning coffee. They come burstin' out his chest like John Hurt in t'Alien.
- As Mike lay unconscious in hospital, Ken filled his drip wi' urine.
- Ken kept phoning in fake pizza orders an' getting them sent to Mike's flat.
- Ken slipped Mike enough viagra to knock out 100 African Bull Elephants causing Mike to die of an erection-induced heart attack.
T'Rovers Return[edit | edit source]
T' Rover's is most popular pub in t'street that people were most of t'exposition teks place. Beer is quite cheap in t'Rovers, and serves a much better head on pint than that Cockney dump, The Queen Vic in stinking London EastEnders.
The only food they sell there is Betty's hotpot, which the cast eat for Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner. All washed down with dark brown liquid.
The Rover's were setting for most popular episode in history of t'show, 1998's classic Karaoke and Gangsta Chess storyline.
T'Betty's Hotpot[edit | edit source]
The Manchesterland contribution to world cuisine, the infamous Hot Pot, invented by Betty Turpin in her own private laboratory is sold under the bar in t' Rovers. The dish has been known to strip paint from walls and it's gravy has nuclear half life of 25,000 years. The locals swear by it as a cure f'hangovers and Acne.
In recent years, the name 'Betty's Hot Pot' has also become synonymous wi' sexual position. But no one round 'ere's done it yet.
I tried their colgate toothpaste, the one with tartar control, and it made me feel like a PIECE OF SHIT!!
See also Pipe Cleaners and Enemas
T'Monday to Friday Daily Routine of an Adult Corrie Character[edit | edit source]
8am - 9am Breakfast, Shower
9am - 12 pm Go to work
12pm - 12.30pm pint in the Rovers
12.30pm - 4pm work
4pm - 4.30pm pint in the Rovers
4.30pm - 6pm Go home get changed have tea.
6pm - 12am go get shit faced in the Rovers (about 50 pints)
12 am - 2pm bonk who ever they pulled at the Rovers
2pm - 8am sleep
T'wats[edit | edit source]
They all want t'be just like us. We're the original, like.
T'Foot(notes) of our stairs[edit | edit source]
- ↑ My Dad said this. It were his favourite word. That and 'Bollocks'
- ↑ Chris Tonks at the end of our street were the first in Manchester to get video. We'd all go round his house after tea and watch porn. Obviously.
