Culture of Africa

Africa was the birthplace of man, why! We were certainly born in a shit hole that is for sure! The oldest KFC in the world is on this ancient continent, its been carbon dated at over 1,000,000 years old! Anyway the liberal media and Bob Geldof will try to blame you for Africa`s woes! That is a lie! Read on they are fucked!

Ju Ju Black Magic

Despite History's long record of defeats for those who embrace magic, magic is real hot shit in Africa. Like Paris Hilton and being a whore. I am not going too deep into the subject here as it infiltrates every other article. However its easy to see why, read any African newspaper and its full of stores of shapeshifting witches stealing husbands or levitating taxi drivers.

Witch doctors and Guerilla Fighters

Imagine Che Guevara versus Harry Potter, and times it by 15. In 1964 a gang of tribes men in Congo called the Simbas (yes, its means "lion" like in the lion king) managed to make 20,000 government troops run away without a fight. Often battles where only 40 Simbas would advance waving magic charms at Congo soldiers scared shitless, within weeks the country and capital Stanleyville was in their hands. I don`t know what the simbas were told but the bullet-repelling recipes of the witch doctors proberly sound like Sandi Thom`s "I wish I was a punk rocker."

That winter, Stanleyville was recaptured by a joint Belgian-American paratroop drop. Unlike the Congolese government soldiers, when the paratroopers were charged by a band of Simba fighters at the battle for the Stanleyville airport, (a charge led by a witch doctor), there was no panic found among the Belgian paratroopers who annihilated the rebels with the finest automatic weapons the 21st Century could provide. However, one unfortunate CIA pilot was captured, killed, and eaten after his plane crashed!

"Ummn! CIA Pilot HE TASTE GOOD!" Simba tribesman on eating the CIA Pilot.

Guerilla magical cannibalism continues to this day in Congo, the rebel armies `Movement for the Liberation of the Congo` and `Rally for Congolese Democracy` both have excellent Parisian trained chefs famous for cooking Pygmy people and christmas cake. Yum yum Yum!

Child soldiers

Nothing says "Africa is chaos!" more than a drunk 9 year old shooting a UN soldiers! And he is Captain!

South Africa

"South Africans! Bags of laughs every time!"

Afrikaners are miserable descendants of 17th and 18th century Dutch settlers. One of the most visible results of South Africa's crime problem is the increasing number of gated communities that have been built in an effort to promote the safety of inhabitants, these are a major problem to SA`s criminals, nobody thinks about poor old Otembe when they lock the gates at night! The Minister of Safety and Security, Charles Nqakula caused outrage among South Africans in June 2006 when he responded to opposition MPs in parliament, saying that MPs who complain about the country's crime rate, should stop whining and leave the country! Not fair! Why should the rest of planet earth have to deal with SA`s crap annoying white population of loosers!

Panda in Uganda!

The former illiterate altar boy named Joseph Kony chief of the `Lord's Resistance Army` , Uganda, proclaims himself to be a spirit medium. I have watched plenty of spirit mediums on satilite TV how ever none of them have been responsible for killing 200,000 people!Not having the benefit of being tutored at a military academy, Mr. Kony deduces a battle's outcome by setting toy guns, and helicopters on fire to see how the models will burn; thereby foretelling victory or defeat in an upcoming battle.Kony also communicates with "angels" who told him to expand the Ten Commandments to Eleven Commandments. "Thou shall not ride a bicycle."

This Commandment is punishable by buttock slashing. Ouch!

Recently, the LRA has declared war on the owners of white chickens and pigs, killing them where they are found. (I dont see the Animal Liberation Front trying to stop him! Cowards!)

In 1991 a woman in Uganda called Betty Oyella Bigombe, the Minister charged with ending the insurgency, created "Arrow Groups" armed with bows and arrows! Naturally they did not last long!

Rwanda Stole my Panda! (also known as Interahamwe! The musical!)

Uganda helped Some tutsi Rwandans build up and milita and invade Rawanda. However the Rwandan government want nuts trained its own Hutu paramilitaries called the Interahamwe and went on a cross Rwanda death marathon, and won the grand prize of a DVD player for the milita with a score of 1,071,000 Tutsi`s murdered.

La Sape

La Sape are the kings of African style.

Zulu

Proberly the most accurate portrayal ever shown, see johnny forigner.

Toilets

These do not exist here.

Sierra Lionne Transvestites

The "West Side Boys" where a group of rebel soldiers in Sierra Lionne. The first joke was their name. They all listen to hip hop thanks to the radio and they called themselves "West Side Niggaz", however the fascists at the BBC news had to tone it down a bit and refer to them as the `West Side Boys` If that does not sound gay enough, witnesses claim they actually wore blond wigs and dresses in battle. Obviously the one of the witchdoctors was having a laugh.

"They are known for wearing bizarre clothing - women's wigs and flip-flops are favourites - and being almost perpetually drunk" BBC News on West Side Boys

Also they chose the coolest names.

`Colonel Cambodia`

`Brigadier Bomb Blast`

`Brigadier 55`

and the names of there operations make it even funnier:

Operation Burn House - a campaign of arson and BBQs.

Operation Pay Yourself - a money saving scheme

Operation No Living Thing - speaks for it self.

But hey there are other cool dudes waiting in Sierra Leonne for you.

Betty Cut Hands, Captain 2 Hands,Dr Blood were all members of "Jombobla" and they all got a pardon from the government. Jambobla translates as "chopping pubic hair" and they have a fantastic reputation in child welfare.

"I demand to see who is charge here!"

The rebels took great pleasure in not only killing folks but taking Western hostages. The insurgents snatched seven Italian nuns, who were killed, but spared from becoming Sunday roast.

Read the next article on Christians in Africa for a continued theme.

Tabloid Christianity! Lets all go to Liberia!

Christianity in Africa is fucked up. This next example comes from Liberia during their civil war, almost as weird as the Sierra Lionne civil war. But a little bit more gay.

'General Butt Naked' (real name Joshua Milton Blahyi) was reportedly wore only laced-up boots and his weapon. Apparently one day Satan called him up on the phone and told him to start an army. Satan would provide the logistics for him with magic apart from boots and a gun! Simple eh?

Then at the end of the war Jesus called him up and converted him to Christianity, he became a preacher!

"So, before leading my troops into battle, we would get drunk and drugged up, sacrifice a local teenager, drink their blood, then strip down to our shoes and go into battle wearing colourful wigs and carrying dainty purses we’d looted from civilians. We’d slaughter anyone we saw, chop their heads off and use them as soccer balls. We were nude, fearless, drunk and homicidal. We killed hundreds of people – so many I lost count. But in June last year God telephoned me and told me that I was not the hero I considered myself to be, so I stopped and became a preacher." General Butt Naked on his life

Well thats me convinced he is not crazy!

One of Butt Naked`s Boys/Girls

Here are some other famous members of the "Butt Naked Battalion":

Adolphus Dolo aka General Peanut Butter

General Housebreaker

General Fuck-Me-Quick

General No-Mother-No-Father

So many Generals! Obviously compared to the guerillas of Sierra Lionne, the rebels of Liberia have delullions of grandeaur.

"Police Academy 7-Mission to Liberia"

AIDS

AIDS was invented here, in the Congo when it was a Belgian colony. I never realised the Belgians were so evil!

African Cinema

Lagos in Nigeria makes shit loads of films, however they are all crap. I`ve tried watching the Aki and Paw Paw Nigeria`s famous twin migets. Its a fact Einstein had to rewrite quantam theory to explain why african cinema is almost as bad as turkish cinema.

Football Hooligans

Nigerian and Ghana hooligans love beating each other up, the police will open fire on the crowd and the leave 20 supporters dead after each game. Asante Kotoko, Ghanian football`s premire team are famous for employing its JuJu witchdoctors to fix the game.

In Johannesburg, the African Women's 2000 Championship Final had to be abandoned after South Africa's fans began rioting when the referee ignored an offside flag and allowed a Nigerian goal to stand.

Umbongo in the Congo Part 2

After the first Harry Potter film was realised in June of 2001, villagers of Congo's northeast provinces began a completly rational witch eradication campaign. Sparing neither neighbor, nor friend. Witches were unceremoniously hacked apart by machete-wielding vigilantes, bringing about a scene of carnage unmatched since the machete killing-sprees of the directors cut of Cannonball Run.

Mugabe

Greatest African who ever lived.

Idi Amin

The bastard!

Jean-Bédel Bokassa

Africa`s greatest Freddy Mercury impersonator! All hail!

Steven Seagal in Africa

Apparently you can buy Steven Seagal`s Juice Drink in Zambia.

Countries of Africa