Babel:Pathos

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A hardboard has revealed that it suffered abuse at the hands of Rolf Harris for many years, frequently being "made to wobble" on television against its will. "He promised me a life in showbiz," the board told us, "and my eyes lit up. I had always been ambitious about my future. I didn't want to spend my whole life in the factory – the factory where I was made I mean. I wanted to be part of something big, perhaps a table or a cabinet. When Rolf said he was going to make me a star on stage, I thought he meant as part of the background scenery." Instead, the board revealed, Harris subjected it to decades of humiliating abuse, carrying it on stage in his licentious, hairy arms and "wobbling" it for his own and the crowd's enjoyment. "I never told anyone because I didn't think people would believe me. I just used to freeze and go stiff as a ... well, as stiff as a board when he grabbed ahold of me, but unfortunately that just made the sound even more effective." (Full article...) Recently featured: Lawrencium Rule of Thumb Europan hookmouth Hamster Archive · Vote for featured articles · Lies Did you Know? *...that the largest collection of human bullshit is located in the United States Congress? ... that contrary to popular belief, she never actually sold seashells by the seashore? ...that the largest collection of human bullshit is located in the United States Congress? ... that contrary to popular belief, she never actually sold seashells by the seashore? ...that the largest collection of human bullshit is located in the United States Congress? ... that contrary to popular belief, she never actually sold seashells by the seashore? ...that the largest collection of human bullshit is located in the United States Congress?	Lies recently told In the news Trump pictured holding up his project in front of his friends. They're all delighted. Some mega pop star and her boyfriend get engaged. Yaaay. NFL teams replace female cheerleaders with gay dudes Trump presents new science project to Cabinet (Pictured) Uncyclopedia introduces AI Age Guesser™, petition nears 100,000 signatures Trump fires Zakk Wylde Trump sends condolences to "Ozzie Nelson," "Paul Hogan," "Luigi Mangione" Epstein list predictions Starmer bans pornography nationwide Starmer to ban VPNs nationwide Ozzy Osbourne remembers Uncyclopedia Obama to Democrats: "toughen up, you fucking pussies!" Trump sends condolences to tough-guy actor "Mikey Madison" Clint Eastwood announces plans to live forever Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI, Silksong, Stranger Things 5, and Spaceballs 2 • Russian Invasion • Gaza War • Trump and Elon's feud.. make up.. no one knows anymore • Israel/Hamas and Russia/Ukraine "peace talks" • Rock drummer exodus (not to be confused with Tom Hunting or Zbigniew Fyk) • Chicago Bears winning the preseason • K-pop: the movie doing surprisingly well Recent deaths: Ozzy Osbourne • Chuck Mangione • Hulk Hogan • Resident Alien • Down syndrome • Tom Lehrer • The system • FUBAR • Cartoon Network/Adult Swim/Toonami on Comcast's basic cable package • Sydney Sweeney's new movie • Terence Stamp • The Devil's Rejects Unrated Director's Cut 4K (also Saw 2 & 3) Upcoming deaths: DEI • R. Kelly • Iran's nuclear program • Diddy's bank account after incoming lawsuits • The flowers you bring Alan Bergman • Bryan Kohberger, at the hands of his fellow inmates • Chicago Bears' regular season • MSNBC • ROBLOX • Cracker Barrel • Lil Nas X On this day nothing happened... August 28: International Horniness Day. 2,000,000 BC - Homo flaccidus has a hard time getting a date. 1,000,000 BC - Homo erectus gets horny and manages to get his own boner without assistance. 100,000 BC - Homo erectus finally loses its erection and becomes sapiens. 900,000 BC - Adam and Eve become horny. 33 - Jesus horny for the last time. 489 - Theodoric, King of the Ostrogoths defeats Odoacer, King of Cers the at the Battle of Iseeyourgonzoandraiseyouaspliff. 1729 - Man discovers the "hand", women are now useful for cooking, cleaning and raising children only. 1845 - The first issue of Unscientific Horny American is published. The centerfold (which features a different Nobel-Prize-winning scientist each month) proves unpopular, and is discontinued almost immediately. 1941 - Miso Horny named Japan's National Soup. 1942 - Teddy Roosevelt horny in Jacksonville, Florida. He was then arrested. 1987 - Me gets so horny for you. 1988 - In Soviet Russia, horny gets so you for me. 1993 - Haim Saban, after drinking heavily, creates Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. 2009 - Tiger Woods's controversial solution to chronic horniness made public. 2010 - Giant Horny Cheese invades earth and takes Hailers Hostage.
Today's featured eyesore picture "Mommy, why don't Mermaids wear clothes?" - "Seriously Johnny, think about it..." Image credit: RAHB View image · Nominate new image · View all featured images
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Writer of crap and Noob that we don't care about of the Month Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome! So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore. Let us all clap for him because I said so. Do not pull your pants up just yet. We got a Uncyclopedian of the Month award winner up in here! Give it up for Leverage! Since there is no winner for the Noob of the Moment, you are all now noobs. There are a couple of long-running nominations, but they are stuck there, like foetuses in suspended animation, and I fear for their souls. Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Moment | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners You now only have 3, god dammit, 3 days to nominate and vote for Writer of the Month, Noob of the Month and Uncyclopedian of the Month! Get voting!

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