User:Orangutang94/Joe Buck

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I'm Joe Buck, five-time Razzie Award winner for "Biggest mansplainer", saying "Joe Buck yourself!"

Hello and welcome everybody to this webpage. I'm Joe Buck, the greatest, most overpaid, least-biased announcer on Planet Earth and with me in this internet armchair is my sidekick, the hall of famer Troy Aikman. Now you've heard my golden, monotone voice on the radio and television, narrating and thus "enhancing" games for the NFL and MLB and spewing about my boners for the St. Louis Cardinals and Dallas Cowboys, so now imagine I'm narrating my own, eventful life and career in this golden, monotone voice. It's going to be a good one.

And Troy, it looks like we've bored the audience once again, except it's now the reader. What a doozie. Hey, at least I don't make a fool out of myself or over-explain things like that John Madden or Gus Johnson guy!

Early life

Well Troy, let me explain how I came to existence. So this guy named Jack Buck got busy with his wife, and out came me nine months later. Jack Buck was one of the greats of baseball... announcing. Did I mention he was also my dad? You guessed it.

Joe Buck in high school

And looks like my Twitter is now blowing up with users now saying my birds and the bees talk was a bit unnecessary. Let's read some of these mean tweets, shall we? @Orangutang94 just tweeted "That is a DISGUSTING childhood by Joe Buck!" Well, suck on this, Orangutang! Probably beats your childhood being a disappointment to your own parents! @rando6969 tweeted "Hey @JoeBuck, no one cares about your dad being an actual announcer! Go find your own fucking career instead of trying to measure up to your dad and failing miserably, loser!" Hey! I'm the number one announcer on Fox Sports and now Monday Night Football, biotch! What have you done with your own life? @derekjeter posted "Maybe Jack shoulda worn a condom that night. Woulda spared my Yankees from being constantly shit on by the droning fag robot named @JoeBuck" ...Jeter, that was actually kinda mean...

Anyways, got carried away. And can somebody turn off Twitter responses? Who the hell thought this was a good idea!? Makes me feel like I'm back in high school again.. Well actually, in high school I was the coolest, most popular, smartest kid in my school. I was so smart, I even got a D in Math! D for degree or diploma or whatever that means, right? In fact, I was so cool they kept getting me wedgies and hanging me by the tighty-whities on the tetherball pole... well, that was until Papa Buck came into school and scared the bejeesus out of all those bullies and their parents with all that money. I guess that's one good thing about having a somewhat rich, famous dad. My band teacher, the only other guy who believed in me, said I had the "voice of a god" and so I strongly considered becoming an announcer like my dad.

Back to the action after these messages to talk about my actual career! I need a drink..

Baseball announcing

After the young boy named Joe grew up from 6 and 1/2 feet tall to 5 and 1/5 feet tall, that young boy grew up to be me, Joe Buck, young announcer. Hey Troy, you're a football guy, right? So that means you can do math as you have to deal with yardage and boobage and what not? What's taller, 6 1/2 feet or 5 1/5? 6 1/2 feet, huh..

Anyways, my inability to do math scared me away from football for a bit, and my dad got me a job doing announcing for the Cardinals' T-ball affiliate at age 20! Eventually I rose up and everyone in the Cards' organization seemed to love me for being "Jack's kid"

Football announcing

Here's me and my buddy Troy Aikman, about to announce another awesome game in the NFL. Yaay.

And so I started announcing football. Everything is a disgusting act.

Announcing style

Who says I shit on their favorite teams? I usually don't say anything at all! Maybe you guys are all projecting.

For example, when Barry Bonds hit his 9,999,999,999th home run, I just stated the facts! There's no need to be excited for that roid-raging cheater doing the same thing over and over again! You should also see that time when I called Mitchell's run just by saying "Mitchell... Mitchell... Mitchell... Mitchell..." What? Doesn't that build up your excitement? No?

And I totally love the city of New York, like how I stated the facts announcing Eli Manning's totally ordinary throws to Dave Tyree in that Super Bowl or to Odell. Also that play in the Meadowlands was the greatest play of all time, you gotta see how DeSean Jackson ran past... okay, bad example, but you get the point. Come on guys, back me up, will ya? Why are people booing-

**Splat**

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?? A WHOLE PIZZA RIGHT INTO MY BOTOXED FACE AND HAIR PLUGS!?

Alright, let's wrap this up. That was the most emotion I may have expressed in this telecast or even my whole broadcasting career. Anyway, I'm Joe Buck saying so long from Uncyclopedia on Fox Sports! Also Joe Buck yourself, San Diego! Dammit, who put that on my teleprompter?