Equestria
Equestria (full title: The Glorious, Equestrian, Horrifying, Bad, Dictatorial, Gay, Oppressive, Tyrannical, Evil, Ponified, Ridiculous, Completely and Totally Uninhabitable, Stupid, Insane, Idiotic, Obscene, Independent, Filth-Infested Brony Empire of Equestria) is a terrible military dictatorship in South America, well known for killing whoever gets to close to it, burning down the Amazon Rainforest, and its absolutely disgusting set of screams, shouts, and shrieks known as "Shout for Equestria" that they use as a national anthem. Their disgusting national flag is very attractive to Grues. Some people have died from looking at it in Grue-infested places. At various times in its history, it consisted of the former independent territories of Brazil, Venezuela, Colombia, Guyana, Suriname, Paraguay, and other countries I don't have time to name right now.[1] They even dropped a nuclear bomb on Colombia to make them surrender. This nation is by far one of the most dangerous places in the whole world, for the Bronies who inhabit Equestria will instantly kill, murder, and slaughter anyone who is not a Brony or says anything bad about "ponies". Very few are brave enough to secretly explore this desolate, dystopian nation where millions were murdered for not becoming evil Bronies.
It all began in Brazil, where a mutant strain of Bronies (i.e., Brazilian mutant ponyphiles) infected other Brazilian people with Friendship and Magic, causing chaos everywhere. Eventually, the remnants of the last sane people remaining in Brazil were bottled up in Rio de Janeiro. However, in 2010 Rio was finally infected with Friendship via a tactical ballistic missile. The former government of Brazil was violently overthrown and became the Brony Principality of Equestria. Ever since, Bronies became more and more obsessed with My Little Pony, making them vandalize innocent people's houses with nude pony images and post terrible MLP pictures on DeviantArt.
Soon, Venezuela was infected with Magic after the Bronies became extremely infectious and sent pony propaganda and outdated memes that no one wants. Venezuela made a heroic resistance, but it ultimately fell to the violent, mentally unsound invaders.
௸юдพีเไðまགེིོམ ҴѸݧֿי๏๛ฬ Empire of Equestria | |||||
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| Motto: Friendship is Magic | |||||
| Anthem: Shout for Equestria | |||||
| Capital | Canterlot (formerly Saõ Paulo) | ||||
| Largest city | Ponyville (formerly Recife) | ||||
| Demonym | Equestrian, Brony, or Ponyfag | ||||
| Government | Military dictatorship | ||||
| National Hero(es) | Princess Celestia, Rainbow Dash, Twilight Sparkle, Applejack, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, Rarity | ||||
| Currency | none, they're too stupid to know what money is | ||||
| Religion | Ponyism | ||||
| Population | unknown | ||||
| Major exports | Terrorism, Stupidity, Death, Evil | ||||
| Major imports | My Little Pony | ||||
| National animal | horse | ||||
| National sport(s) | Murdering non-Bronies, watching MLP | ||||
History[edit | edit source]
Equestria's history is filled with the most vile deeds possible. It's too bloody for most sane people to look at, but if you really want to look, then FINE. Just don't say I didn't warn you!
Conquest of Brazil[edit | edit source]
Some idiots that were messing around with crap in a lab made a Brony virus, which they released in Brazil's Amazon Rainforest. The indigenous tribes became sick, and jungle explorers noticed that there was no more wilderness to explore, creating massive alarm. However, the virus was hard to detect. When the virus spread into other regions, people said, "It's that darn phone" and took little to no action. But then Brony terrorist groups were formed, and people became frightened. Airlines cancelled flights to Brazil for fear of terrorist attacks. Even the beaches of Rio de Janeiro were empty. This city would be the last bastion of freedom in an enslaved and terribly damaged Brazil after the fall of São Paulo, which became the capital of Equestria. For 3 months the citizens of Rio pleaded for help, but it was not enough. The Bronies had their master plan. They built nuclear bombs and used missiles to destroy Rio. Even to this day, all that remains in a burnt, charred, radioactive wilderness.
Conquest of Venezuela[edit | edit source]
After the bloodbath of Brazil, Equestrian leaders invaded Venezuela, spamming shitty Brony memes created by the Ministry of Propaganda. Despite help from other countries, the resistance of the Venezuelans, and outrage at the atrocious acts perpetrated by the Bronies, Venezuela fell, plunging the nation into tyranny. Millions of Venezuelan civilians died in the years to come.
Massacre of Sāo Paulo[edit | edit source]
After the conquest of Venezuela, a band of foreigners sneaked into Equestria and peacefully protested the regime, asking for at least the freedom of non-Bronies to even exist. Despite lying, slanderous reports by the Ministry of Propaganda, the protesters did no violence. Even when the Equestria Secret Police began shooting at the protesters, they simply fled instead of defending themselves. By the end of the mass murders, 3,582 people were dead and 42 survived, eventually fleeing the country. This murder was highly publicized with detailed reports of the atrocities. People across the world were beginning to comprehend the tyranny and slavery of Equestria.
Conquest of Colombia[edit | edit source]
Equestrian military forces then attacked Colombia, painting horse porn on walls, drowning all other noises with intolerable shrieking and blood-curdling screams, and bombing the place into an unrecognizable wasteland. Still, the Colombians defended against the MLP onslaught. Princess Celestia then authorized a nuclear strike on Colombia's capital Bogota, which was being defended by a shit ton of soldiers. Colombia surrendered immediately.
Conquest of Guyana[edit | edit source]
Equestrian troops blasted the Equestrian national anthem into Guyana while scattering low-quality My Little Pony merchandise everywhere. Guyana's citizens put up unrelenting resistance, using everything at their disposal to fight back. Although they desperately defended against this menace, but it was too late. Air raids, use of computers to infect people with Friendship and Magic through e-mails, and the onslaught of pure stupidity forced most Guyanans to escape and go abroad. The survivors were infected, turned into Grues, and executed mercilessly as the world watched in terror.
Massacre of Manaus[edit | edit source]
A group of foreign activists who had been advocating freedom for Equestrian-occupied territories secretly traveled to Manaus at night and peacefully asked the government to grant more liberty to its citizens. Princess Celestia was outraged and ordered the military to kill all protesters, resulting in another mass murder. Of the 2,915 people there, only 53 escaped with their lives.
Point Barrow Incident[edit | edit source]
When the U.S. Army was testing missiles at an undisclosed location near Point Barrow, Alaska, to get people to hand over their oil, a nuclear warhead was missing. At first Commieland was suspected, but evidence pointed to Equestrian theft via secret Brony agents in the United States and Canada. This sparked fear, leading to international alarm. The United States of 'Merica resolved once and for all to deal with this rogue state, leading to the Equestrian-American War.
Equestrian-American War[edit | edit source]
America did not fare well in the war, due the infamous rule first demonstrated in Vietnam, "U.S. troops lose 50% efficiency on jungle tile." Sure, Equestria had no jungle left, but with the idiot Bronies in control, nothing even made sense anyway. Also, American efforts were often halted by the massive waves of idiocy that killed most soldiers. Even the bald eagles, the prime symbol of oil freedom were shot down ruthlessly. Eventually, peace was negotiated. America would give 15,800 Big Macs, 15,800 Whoppers, 20,000 pounds of French Fries, and 2,000,000 chicken nuggets, while Equestria would give 5,300,000 barrels of oil.
The Fortnite Outbreak[edit | edit source]
Equestria's evil masterminds of bioweapons and chemical warfare, the mad scientists, engineered a horrible parasite that was code named "Epic Games." The world came to know it as Fortnite. It spread from edgy 12 year old to edgy 12 year old at an alarming rate, causing total shutdown of global air travel. The epicenter, Canada, completely blockaded its borders and blew up its sea ports. In addition, they chugged maple syrup day and night to appease the "maple gods" into getting rid of the virus. But it was too late. It infected over 57 countries. By the time the cure was made, the disease was starting to subside. But the damage had already been done. 130 million edgy 12 year old were dead, and 73 million were injured. This lead to an increase in shitty technophobe groups, most of which used the slogan "It's that darn phone."
Atlantic Piracy[edit | edit source]
Equestrian naval ships began disrupting trade routes in the Atlantic Ocean. Often they sent Brony idiots to other countries to find secret information. They often looked at the ground, trying to find notes that someone dropped. When asked what they were doing, they said "I'm looking for my pet rock," which made people think they were a band of crappy comedians. By the time they were found and arrested, over 260 ships were sunk.
Conquest of Suriname[edit | edit source]
The Brony idiots began attacking Suriname in order to control the nation's resources. They had made cheap, low-quality, dysfunctional robots to extract what little resources remained in the land. Instead of using these stolen resources for something useful, they were used in MLP sacrifices to their non-existent "pony gods."The people of Suriname were greatly outnumbered. A few heroes fought on, giving most people time to escape. But when the last remnants fell, a few people were left behind. They were all murdered, except for a few who were infected with Friendship.
The Cheese Plague[edit | edit source]
In an effort of pure villainy, Equestria began disrupting the global cheese supply by destroying cheese production centers, especially in the Netherlands. Soon the United States, Canada, Japan, and most of Europe sent missions to the Moon to retrieve its coveted blue cheese. Although there was public outcry over rising cheese prices, Equestria failed to destroy the world's cheese.
The Liberation of Suriname[edit | edit source]
The French were very angry that they had less cheese to go with their wine, so they called on Europe to fight against Equestria. However, only Britain, Italy, Spain, and Sweden joined the alliance. The United States joined the alliance because Americans had less cheese to put on their cheeseburgers. Canada also joined after sending a stark warning to Equestria, "We have been nice for too long!" Brony idiots, being ridiculously stupid, completely ignored the message. Peru, Bolivia, Ecuador, Paraguay, Urugay, Chile, and Argentina also joined the alliance. Soon Equestria was fighting a war they could not win. Allied forces landed in French Guiana, which was completely surrounded by Equestria. Suriname was reconquered in only one month.
The Liberation of Guyana[edit | edit source]
Guyana was swiftly liberated as the French attacked with baguette swords, Canadians unleashed waves of maple syrup, Italians threw deadly pizza discs, Brits attacked with tea flamethrowers, and Americans used burger cannons. Guyana was swiftly reclaimed, with most Bronies surrendering or fighting like cowards. The Bronies' nuclear weapons were stolen by secret agents. Equestria was sorely defeated, but they were fortifying their fortresses in Colombia and Venzuela.
The Liberation of Colombia[edit | edit source]
Enemy fortifications were broken down, and Colombia was liberated, but it was hard and slow. Allied soldiers were dying even thought they fought bravely. Bronies often set fire to the landscape, creating major impediments to Allied efforts. However, after massive clashes, Bronies massacring POWs, and heavy casualties, Colombia was finally free from the Bronies' grip.
Setbacks in Venezuela[edit | edit source]
Despite victory in Colombia, Venezuela was too heavily fortified for Allied advance. Minimal progress was made, and more soldiers died every day. It became clear that there was little hope of liberating Venezuela. A stalemate occurred, with no results from the many battles. Gradually, talks about ending the war started, and eventually, a consensus was reached. The war must come to an end.
End of the War[edit | edit source]
The bloody war would be known as the War of the Equestrian Coalition. Peace treaties were signed in the recently liberated city of Barranquilla, Colombia. Equestria was still powerful with millions of evil Bronies, but it had been seriously weakened.
Twilight Virus: Brazen E-mail Scheme[edit | edit source]
Equestria decided to continue terrorizing the worldlike the assholes that they are. The Bronies learned absolutely nothing from the war because they are so stupid. Infectious E-mails were sent to 24 unlucky victims. When they opened it, their computer played My Little Pony nonstop for 24 hours and subsequently broke. While the toxic show played, turning people into evil Brony idiots, the computer sent infected emails to all e-mail addresses on the computer. All files on the computer were replaced by MLP and Brony videos. By the time all instances of these horrific virus were contained and destroyed, 2,300 computers were infected and permanently ruined, and 286 people were infected by the virus. 42 more people were infected with Friendship and Magic from the Brony fuckwits who were infected by the Brony content maliciously transmitted to their devices. Nevertheless, nations were exhausted from the previous war with Equestria, and people did not want another bloody conflict. As a result, Equestria was left unopposed for a while.
Global Food Contamination[edit | edit source]
Equestrian secret agents placed laboratory toxins in the food supply. They targeted apples the most, because there is some crappy MLP character that rapes apple trees or something. The toxins were derived from horse blood, human bones, dead memes, charcoal, and other sources. They were then mixed in their shitty lab to make an absolutely disgusting mixture. People who ate the infected food began roaring and yelling uncontrollably, posting brony memes, and turning into Grues. The large amount of Grues created extreme terror and fear, while bronies caused unspeakable stupidity by posting brony garbage on the Internet and being idiots.
Federal Reserve Bank Heist[edit | edit source]
Equestria sent secret operatives into New York City to break into the so-called "impenetrable" Federal Reserve bank there. Using chemicals to erode the foundations, they made a tunnel and broke into the vault stealing over three-fourths of all the gold there. Because the Bronies are so stupid, they forgot to rebuild the bank's foundations, an it collapsed. The outrage over the collapse led to the Second Equestrian-American War.
Second Equestrian-American War[edit | edit source]
The United States once again fought Equestria, but the fortresses were just too damn strong. Even the burger cannons were ineffective. A nuclear strike would mean the end of the world, as Equestria had new nuclear bombs stamped with cancerous Brony propaganda for extreme lethality. The war was very short, and it ended in stalemate.
Maple Syrup Crisis[edit | edit source]
Equestria seeked to terrorize the world again by burning Canada's maple forests. It embarrassed Canadians by destroying their national symbol and severely damaged their maple syrup supply. In stores, jars of maple syrup were smashed on the floor by unidentified people, no doubt Equestrian agents. The culprits then ran out of the stores. When a secret emergency supply of millions of jars of maple syrup was completely destroyed, Canada had no option other than a war.
Canadian-Equestrian War[edit | edit source]
Canada began sending troops to attack Equestria. Although they had very little maple syrup, Canadians had a massive surplus of maple leaves. Unemployed maple syrup makers began manufacturing razor-sharp maple leaves. These devastated small forces of Bronies, but only a small strip of border land was liberated. Despite this, the war created a massive drop in Brony morale. This infuriated the Princess. Equestria had to do something to take boost morale again.
Massacre of Caracas[edit | edit source]
When foreign demonstrators arrived in Caracas (formerly the capital of Venezuela), Equestria saw a chance to boost morale. The Secret Police and Armed Forces massacred the protesters in the cruelest ways imaginable. Although it created more material for shitty Brony propaganda, it also alerted the world to Equestria's atrocities and its absolute tyranny.
Counterfeit Restaurants[edit | edit source]
Equestrian agents began opening fake restaurants all over the world. The toxic food served there would make people shriek and scream with cringe and poison. Ingredients included hydrogen cyanide, gasoline, broken glass, cardboard, and plastic. The victims would go batshit crazy, set things on fire, and eventually turn into Grues. The terror of this shocked the world, with extensive news coverage of the events. Soon anti-Brony protests occurred and all of Europe (except Russia) declared war on Equestria.
European-Equestrian War[edit | edit source]
Europeans attempted to attack Southern Brazil, but the effort failed. Many battles were fought, and Equestria's regime was damaged quite severely, but Equestria reconquered the lands, brutally massacring soldiers. Airplanes bombed the cities of Caracas, Fortaleza, and Sāo Paulo, but it failed to bring down the oppressive dictatorship. In fact, it actually led to the conquest of Suriname and French Guiana.
Conquest of Paraguay[edit | edit source]
In a state of total rage over international outcry over the fact that MLP is shit, Princess Celestia declared war on Paraguay. Despite foreign aid, Paraguay could not last for long. Other nations sent soldiers and conducted air raids on Equestria's cities. Many of its citizens were forced to flee. Despite this, the Paraguayan Resistance against the invasion were considered heroes all across Latin America. Protests against Equestria's evil aggression were held in most major cities (except in Uruguay) with the slogan, "Paraguay is best Guay!" (I told you Uruguay wouldn't like it!)
Conquest of the Carribean[edit | edit source]
Equestria began attacking the islands of the Carribean in the Lesser Antilles region of the Carribean. Don't know where they are? I don't care. Now shut up! When they came across an island that was under control of a country outside the Carribean, they blew up something. and said it was an accident. They then took over the islands. When they conquered the land right next to Puerto Rico, a U.S. territory, they stopped because people were realizing that Equestria was stealing land.
Conquest of Uruguay[edit | edit source]
When Uruguay condemned the evil actions taken by the Brony assholes, the Equestrian Army ruthlessly invaded Uruguay. Due to their extreme brutality, ferocity, and pure evil, the Bronies wiped out Uruguay in a few months. Humanity was shocked at the genocide of non-Bronies and the stupidity of the Brony menace. Worldwide rallies against Equestria were organized.
Second Conquest of Colombia[edit | edit source]
In all their stupidity, the Equestrian bastards decided to invade Colombia AGAIN. Most Colombians fled, desperately trying to escape the filthy, cancerous slobs in the Brony military. Despite this, many harrowing tales of survival ended tragically, with many people captured and either shot or forced to become evil, mindless Brony idiots, destined to a horrifying fate of eternal idiocy.
Suez Canal Incident[edit | edit source]
Trying to direct even more assholery towards people, the Bronies created a diabolical plan to blow up the Suez Canal, but Egyptian police caught the Equestrian agents half-way through planting bombs. Egypt sent the military to remove the bombs, but the Bronies, in case of such a situation, made the bombs detonate upon sensing a non-Brony. The resulting explosion was so big that every single soldier in the bomb removal effort was screwed. The whole space 82 feet (24 meters) around the section of the canal was completely destroyed. This necessitated a costly repair operation.
Conquest of Liberia[edit | edit source]
Equestrian scumbags began plotting to invade the African nation of Liberia, across the Atlantic Ocean from Brazil. Soon a massive naval force was sent to Liberia. The very moment Brony troops set foot in Liberian soil, the entire country was doomed. The capital, Montovia, was besieged on all sides. The sky overhead was swarming with airplanes, as fires raged throughout the city. Not a single building was untouched. In one bleak day, Monrovia was destroyed. Many Liberians could not escape in time, and most were turned into more Brony idiots for further invasions and murderous atrocities.
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Conquest of Ecuador[edit | edit source]
Back in South America, Ecuador was not safe either. Equestria ruthlessly invaded Ecuador, burning houses, destroying property, and killing civilians in the streets, all in the name of ponies. What a bunch of dicks. The worst development was when Equestria developed weapons that could concentrate cringe so intensely that it could make any volcano erupt. They directed it at the normally dormant Chimborazo, causing untold death and devastation. It produced the desired effect, striking fear into the hearts of millions of people. Global panic arose, and it damaged the stock market so badly that the mysterious entity called "Wall Street" had to call repairmen to fix it.
Conquest of the Ivory Coast[edit | edit source]
Equestria wanted to infect even more of Africa with Friendship and Magic, so they mercilessly attacked the Ivory Coast (or Côte d'Ivoire, because they insisted that people use their French name). Chaos erupted, and terrorism disrupted daily life in most of the country. Refugees fled desperately, running as fast as they could possibly go. No one could recognize the landscape after Bronies drained it of its sanity. Even trees, yes, trees were seen as towers of evil, signifying defiance of the "benevolent" rule of their non-existent ponies. They were burned en masse, and sometimes individually as sacrifices to "secure the ponies' protection of the land". This led to global outcry against further aggression by Equestria. The Bronies simply waited for the next time to strike.
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Conquest of Sierra Leone[edit | edit source]
When outrage over their atrocities had subsided, the fuckwits attacked Sierra Leone next. Hordes of filthy Brony idiots poured into the country at such an alarming speed that a car going 60 miles per hour (97 kilometers per hour) could barely escape a single Brony soldier. Sierra Leone was very small, and their army was weak, so they couldn't fight back at all. There were two options: flee or die. Prisoners were immediately turned into more Bronies, except Anti-Bronies, who were murdered.
Conquest of Guinea[edit | edit source]
The bloodthirsty Bronies invaded Guinea next. Even the bravest, strongest soldiers fell in mere seconds to enemy forces. Every shore was bombed, polluted, and defiled so much that it looked like a shitty scrambled egg. Similar to Liberia, the capital, Conakry, held out with heavily strengthened fortifications. Despite this, Conakry fell in 2 weeks.
African Union War[edit | edit source]
Guinea's invasion was the last straw for the African Union, a group of countries which the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about. Equestrian forces used blitzkrieg tactics to overwhelm Guinea-Bissau, Senegal, The Gambia, Cape Verde, Ghana, Togo, and Benin. Determined to fight to the death, the courageous remnants of the local army and many freedom fighters took their final stand against Equestrian aggression in the city of Kondi, Benin. While guerilla fighters sacrificed their lives to slow down the Bronies, civilians were ordered to evacuate to escape murder or ponification by the advancing Equestrian Army. The war proved to be a dismal defeat for the African alliance, and Equestria celebrated in its capital with public horse fucking, horse shit baths, and the torture and human sacrifice of POWs. Princess Celestia announced a new "Golden Age" for Equestria.
Conquest of Panama[edit | edit source]
Equestria began an invasion of Panama several years after the war in Africa. To prevent Equestria from controlling global trade and commerce, the Panamanians blew up the Panama Canal while replacement canals were being dug in other countries. Equestrian soldiers brutally massacred the people of Panama, demolishing government buildings and converting them into spaces for making piles of horse shit. Many victims died from the fumes coming from the mounds of shit. Equestria converted numerous cathedrals into Ponyist worship centers and horse-fucking stations. In an attempt to temporarily damage Equestria's war machine, a coalition of nations launched missiles against Equestrian cities and assisted the Panamanian army in fighting the Brony menace. Eventually, the last survivors fled the country and all of Panama became infected with Friendship and Magic. The Equestrians rebuilt the Panama Canal by detonating nukes along the length of the entire canal, but nobody used it because the canal was polluted with nuclear radiation, cancer, gayness, and Grues.
Conquest of Peru[edit | edit source]
When the president of Peru bravely condemned the human rights abuses in Equestria and declared support for an international coalition against Equestria, Princess Celestia was enraged and ordered an invasion of Peru to take place. The Equestrian war machine was nearly unstoppable, but by using logic and common sense, which are lethal to Bronies because they are so stupid, they managed to slow the invasion and allow more people to escape from Chile. The Peruvian president was captured while saving innocent civilians from being ponified by the Equestrian Army, and was tortured to death in a gruesome human sacrifice ritual to appease the "pony god" Rarity. His courageous stand against Equestrian tyranny encouraged the Peruvian people to fight to the death against the evil invaders. Eventually, Peru was crushed by the ponyfags and the former Peruvian capital, Lima, was covered in horse shit, which the Brony soldiers bathed in to celebrate the horrendous victory.
Destruction of the Hoover Dam[edit | edit source]
To further cause chaos among normal people, ponyfag spies in the United States blew up the Hoover Dam, which caused power outages in many areas because the dam produced a lot of electricity, which was no longer available because of the Brony sabotage. This necessitated a costly reconstruction of the dam. 53 dam workers lost their lives to this merciless terrorist attack. While the rest of the world mourned this needless tragedy and the deaths of the dam personnel, Equestian Bronies celebrated in the streets, singing cringe austistic MLP songs. Celestia authorized a nuclear bomb test to commemorate this heinous crime, while captives were sexually abused by Equestrian government officials and sacrificed on an altar to the evil dark lords of the mythical city of Canterlot, supposedly the home of the ponies that Bronies murder countless innocents for. Millions of Equestrians gathered in São Paulo to bathe in, eat, and inhale horse shit in front of Princess Celestia, whom they hailed as their champion against the forces of good, holiness, and common sense.
Conquest of Nigeria[edit | edit source]
The Bronies subsequently invaded Nigeria because Princess Celestia had been scammed out of $20,000. The scammer was brought to Celestia's palace and brutally murdered in front of her. The Equestrian Army used biological weapons against the Nigerian people for daring to resist the evils of Equestria. Anthrax, measles, cancer, Ebola, Zika, AIDS, and polio were spread throughout the land, killing millions. Mustard gas and chlorine gas were also used, in total violation of every treaty on warfare imaginable. Of course, the ponyfags were pure evil anyways, so they didn't give a fuck about the Geneva Convention anyway. An infamous quote from an Equestrian general regarding these atrocities was "Geneva Convention? More like Geneva Suggestion." In Kaduna, in northern Nigeria, most of the Nigerian army was completely destroyed, sealing the country's fate. Tens of millions of people were now turned into vicious ponyfags. Millions of others died as martyrs of the fight against Equestrian aggression.
Conquest of Burkina Faso[edit | edit source]
Since the power-hungry Equestrian government wants to enslave as much of the world as possible, Equestrian forces marched into Burkina Faso and planned to overwhelm the country with their blitzkrieg tactics. Thankfully, since Bronies are too stupid to understand actual military tactics, the invasion was botched, but Burkina Faso was overrun anyway because the Equestrian army was so massive. As innocent civilians fled for their lives, over a hundred thousand human sacrifices were brutally slaughtered in the name of the Bronies' mythical dark Chaos goddess Applejack. Princess Celestia then prepared Operation Harvestman, the invasion of Cameroon.
Conquest of Cameroon[edit | edit source]
The Equestrian Navy fired upon Cameroonian naval vessels and threatened to sink them. When the ships tried to defend themselves, Equestria used this as a shitty excuse to invade. Operation Harvestman was executed only 12 days after the fall of Burkina Faso. Equestrian soldiers stormed across the border, murdering civilians, burning and looting villages, and attacking innocent bystanders. Brutality was everywhere in the Brony-occupied territories, and no mercy was shown to any non-Bronies. The Equestrians would utter a blood-curdling screech accompanied by an ominous trumpet call which signified "give no quarter". All resistance against the invasion was crushed with savage cruelty. Guerilla fighters were often sent to Equestrian gulag camps to be worked to death. Like all Equestrian wars, it was unrestricted total war, indiscriminate, barbaric, and utterly horrific destruction of all non-Bronies, the result of MLP being institutionalized and carried to the worst extremes.
Equestria Today[edit | edit source]
Recently, protests have been held across the world demanding action against Equestria. Since a war was not feasible, most nations instead banned trade with Equestria. This did nothing, as it wasn't like anyone would trade with Bronies anyway. Today Equestria has seriously increased its military production and is one of the most concerning threats facing the world today.
The Thirteen Aspects of Equestria[edit | edit source]
- ESP: The Equestrian Secret Police makes sure everybody glorifies the regime. Any and all political dissidents are locked up in torture facilities or killed.
- EAF: The Equestian Armed Forces protect the government from rebels and invaders trying to liberate Equestria.
- EMD: The Equestrian Ministry of Death serves only one purpose, to kill all non-Bronies within Equestria.
- EMA: The Equestrian Manufacturing Agency uses cheap, shitty-ass robots to make weapons 24/7. They also stamp Brony cancer shit on their vile creations.
- EBP: The Equestrian Brony Party is the one (and only) officially-sanctioned political party of Equestria, directly controlled by the Princess herself.
- EMP: The Equestrian Ministry of Propaganda spreads horrible pony memes and other bullshit, often permanently contaminating 4Chan threads.
- EGA: The Equestrian Grue Administration turns non-Bronies into Grues, which are used to terrorize people and kill them.
- EID: The Equestrian Inspection Department inspects everything. Anyone going anywhere will eventually run into a checkpoint, where all personal belongings are inspected. All gold and precious metals are stolen by the Equestrian government because they're greedy bastards. Anything that is Anti-Brony leads to torture or execution.
- ESA: The Equestrian Surveillance Agency installed cameras everywhere to constantly watch Equestrian citizens.
- EBSA: The Equestrian Border Surveillance Agency guards the nation's borders.
- EDS: The Equestrian Department of Spies sends secret agents abroad to gather classified information and murder non-Bronies and Anti-Bronies.
- ERG: The Equestrian Royal Guard is a separate branch from the Armed Forces. Its sole purpose is to protect the idiot ruler of Equestria, Princess Celestia.
- Princess Celestia: Maria Dumbassario was the first Brony to be infected in Brazil. She was so obsessed with MLP that she took the name of one of the characters and is now the absolute ruler.
Citizens of Equestria[edit | edit source]
If you thought the Equestrian government was bad, you'll be appalled at the behavior of its citizens. Bronies are horrendous, despicable, destructive, murderous, flesh-eating, zombie-like creatures. Their mission is to turn everyone Brony or kill them!!!! Whatever you do, don't even try to befriend a Brony. He will either force you and everyone around you to become a Brony, kill you and drink your blood, or turn you into a Grue.
Equestria is filled with dumb Bronies who infect anyone they can see. If a Brony sends you a video, DO NOT OPEN IT! It is 100% going to be a pony video that will infect you with Friendship and Magic. When you confront a Brony, try to show the Brony how obnoxious he is. If you find a Brony on your website or thread, ban him before he infects others with Friendship or turns someone into a grue. Evacuate any areas where Bronies may infect people. Bronies have also been known to devastate entire provinces or states within nations.
Brony rituals[edit | edit source]
You might be asking, "What the fuck do Bronies do all day?" The answer: When they're not murdering non Bronies and being obnoxious brutes, they do some really horrendous things. Read on to discover the truth about Equestria's cancerous pony worship.
Equestrian Religion[edit | edit source]
Equestria's official religion is Ponyism, a cult dedicated to horse worship and reverence for Princess Celestia. The Bronies attend services in "tabernacles" made out of nothing but horse poop. The idiots then bow down to statues of ponies while yelling disgusting chants. The religion revolves around worshipping the ponies from My Little Pony, who supposedly sent Princess Celestia to earth, incarnated in human form, to lead the Bronies to world domination. Once this is achieved, it will cause eventual merging of the earth with Canterlot, which is some place where the ponies live. Even though it's depicted as a paradise, Canterlot was probably first thought of when the Bronies tried to understand the concept of hell. The use of the trademark "tabernacle" without permission has led to an ongoing lawsuit by God and Jesus, co-authors of the popular book "The Bible".
The Ponyist Pantheon[edit | edit source]
Bronies worship the "Mane Six", which are eldritch monstrosities known as Rainbow Dash, Twilight Sparkle, Applejack, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, and Rarity. These Chaos Gods oversee minor deities like Spike, which command armies of demons to spread chaos on the Mane Six's behalf. These are all ruled by the "Queen of the Gods" and "Dark Lord of Chaos" Princess Celestia, who supposedly is the highest deity in existence who rules over even the Mane Six and came to Earth in the form of the actual Princess Celestia to rule Equestria and lead the Bronies to world domination. When the entire world is conquered, Earth will supposedly merge with Canterlot, the home of the ponies, and the Conversion Bureau will change all of humanity into ponies by use of Satanic black magic. After this, the Bronies will then be called to conquer the entire galaxy and beyond for evil.
Rainbow Dash[edit | edit source]
This disgusting deity loves mass murder, genocide, human sacrifice, and war crimes. According to the Equestrian Department of Propaganda, she rejoiced in Canterlot after hearing news of the brutal crimes committed in Cameroon. Like the ignorant Bronies who foolishly believe in her existence, she is extremely fucked-up and holds no respect for human life. She is said to fly around the world, cursing non-Bronies with terrible diseases and pestilences. Rainbow Dash hates literacy, education, an IQ above 40, any intelligence whatsoever, and the absence of an evil and malicious disposition.
Twilight Sparkle[edit | edit source]
The worship of Twilight Sparkle is characterized by extensive witchcraft and occult rituals, sometimes invoking demons under her command. Twilight, the infamously terrible book was written by Equestrian secret agents as a weapon against human sanity and named after this Chaos Goddess. She supposedly extends her protection to Bronies who smuggle horses into Equestria for horse-fucking rituals or smuggle kidnapped non-Bronies in for conversion to Ponyism or human sacrifice. Her demon legions ride on zombie horses which are covered in human skulls and devour the flesh of fallen Anti-Bronies.
Applejack[edit | edit source]
Applejack torments the souls of dead Anti-Bronies by chaining them and force-feeding them rotten apples, spoiled milk, and tacos from Taco Bell and laughs as they experience extremely severe diarrhea induced by food poisoning and the laxative effects of Taco Bell. Occasionally, Princess Celestia puts rotten garbage in burnt pie crusts and claims that they are apple pies make by the "Goddess of Chaos Applejack, who has bestowed these gifts to you for your fervent dedication to the destruction of Anti-Bronies." The Bronies are so dumb that they can't even tell the difference between that and an actual apple pie, so they eat the garbage any way. Applejack's symbol is, quite obviously, the apple, which Bronies use extensively in their heathen rituals.
Pinkie Pie[edit | edit source]
Pinkie Pie revels in human misery; it is said that for every minute a non-Brony suffers, she gains enough power to create 10 demons for her legions of evil. Pinkie Pie hates all forms of freedom and happiness. Equestrian legends claim that Pinkie Pie is so evil that the used her Chaos powers to electrocute 50 people at once and supposedly was behind the killing of Julius Caesar, having done it simply "for the lulz" because she is that screwed up. She is the patron goddess of Equestrian assassins and spies.
Fluttershy[edit | edit source]
In their deluded Ponyist traditions, Bronies think that Fluttershy is the goddess of disaster, causing tornadoes to strike cities, hurricanes to form, fires to ignite, wars to start, and plagues to spread as an expression of her hatred for humanity and for righteousness, love, and peace. The worship of Fluttershy includes the summoning of Grues, demon chants, and eardrum-breaking screams. Equestria claims that her demonic armies are causing the American obesity epidemic.
Rarity[edit | edit source]
Rarity's ultimate objective as Chaos Goddess is the complete destruction of humanity or the replacement of it with ponies. When in a particularly bad mood, she can cause months of terrorism, murder, arson, theft, explosions, spontaneous combustion, and devastation using the evil powers of Chaos and black magic. She gets pissed off when a non-Brony breathes or exists without immediately dying. She acts like a fucking bitch to anyone who she is even mildly irritated with, and is only happy when Equestria conquers another country and begins genocide time.
Equestrian pagan rituals[edit | edit source]
The Horse Shit Bath[edit | edit source]
In a common ritual, Ponyists bathe naked in piles and piles of horse feces. Their deluded brains came up with the ridiculous idea that bathing in this waste somehow gives them a connection with the pony gods and renews their "inner pony", a force of bullshit implanted in them by the pony gods to transform them into ponies when Earth merges with Canterlot.
Eating money[edit | edit source]
Bronies consider all currency as worthless, because they are too dumb to understand the concept of buying and selling. The Bronies believe that eating foreign money is a way to show their hatred of all things non-Brony, so they do it all the time. They sometimes burn money and pour the ashes into their stinking horse shit baths.
Kidnappings and murders[edit | edit source]
Bronies often sneak into other countries to either plant a bomb or send special Army teams to kidnap innocent victims and torment them brutally. If the gang successfully transports their captives back to Equestria, they will slaughter said captives and sacrifice their bodies to the "ponies" by covering them in dried horse shit and burning them. Of course, the smoke smells horrible, but the Bronies are so grossly deformed that their noses can't detect it. However, they know that sane people hate it, so they do these gruesome actions all across the borders with other countries. The population will subsequently flee away from Equestrian territory. Then, in the event of an invasion, the Equestrian Army can easily invade the land with little to no resistance.
Human Sacrifice[edit | edit source]
Some captured non-Bronies are kept alive in prisons instead of being murdered instantly like most sane people. When Equestria needs help, these captives are brought out of jail and into the nearest town to a sacrificial temple. There, they will either be tortured to death, drowned, asphyxiated, or killed in other ways that are too gruesome for me to talk about right now. Equestrian priests will subsequently cremate the corpses of victims to destroy their "evil Anti-Brony force". Then, the ashes are dumped into the ocean. Each time a sacrifice occurs, Bronies gather for reciting chants, speeches by Princess Celestia, and the scripts of My Little Pony episodes. They also drink horse urine, eat foreign currency and horse shit, and bathe in horse shit to celebrate the murderous ritual. Sacrificial temples are usually made of horse feces, as are most other structures in Equestria.
Equestrian linguistics[edit | edit source]
Bronies used to speak a dialect of English called Bronyspeak. However, Bronies became stupider and stupider until they created the Equestrian Language. Equestrian script is pretty much a jumble of letters and symbols that no one can understand, except for equally dumb and stupid Bronies. Here are some examples:
English to Equestrian[edit | edit source]
Words[edit | edit source]
- Equestria - ҴѸݧֿי๏๛ฬ (pronounced Ichudykio)
- Empire - дพีเไðまགེིོམ (pronounced Tranwkei)
- Conquer - ฑไดॏःमৰতὠΣς (pronounced Hojakiwanu)
- Animal - ΔὬǾṶẈṏʶˤɤˢ′ॕक़ (pronounced Juyakov)
- Life - ௵௸௧ڥф (pronounced Culiamuni)
- Color - ҁѦڵݟٜٞڪ۔۰ฬ٠١ ٭ἱ (pronounced Fonagado tyldjdhiy)
- Leader - ὢӜۼ۰۔ٛ۹וত௶అॏ॑भફว (pronounced Kinamukwad)
- War - ཏשдعةஔकु (pronounced Aankgojtkl)
- Brony - קضौ「 (pronounced Klonpr)
- Pony - фץழㅗ (pronounced Hxufwa)
Sentences[edit | edit source]
- English - Hey, let's murder that non-Brony over there!
- Equestrian - лయీξ ₹ןへلצ జుㅁ །ظ་ེ८ㅋ קضौ「-༼רж ㅃླسι ٦٠पँיסपिुزيت צμ
- (pronounced Mbefka uxcyi zwak Klonpr goghlk kvemdfo fybbokr!)
(NOTE: Pronunciations are rough approximations. Bronies' throats are so horridly deformed that they can't speak normally. Besides, if you somehow pronounced these words similarly to how Bronies say them, you would turn into an evil Brony maniac.)
Equestrian Miltary[edit | edit source]
Equestrian Education[edit | edit source]
In Equestria, the Armed Forces directly control education. Children born to Bronies are already very stupid. Instead of helping them to be mentally stable, Equestria infects babies with Friendship, Magic, and gayness from birth. Those that cannot be infected or, by some miracle, develop sanity are thrown off a cliff and sacrificed to the "ponies." In the schools, children are forced to watch obscene amounts of My Little Pony and substantial amounts of the corrupted, utterly depraved garbage known as "fan-made content", which, in Equestria, means absolutely vile, filthy videos of ponies raping each other. This goes on every day until adulthood. Equestrian children end up as another generation of mindless zombies on a mission to destroy the world.
Military Bootcamp[edit | edit source]
72% of the population is drafted into the Armed Forces when they graduate their school brainwashing sessions. In bootcamp, they extensively use chemical weapons, bioweapons, land mines, and other banned or highly restricted weapons. Bootcamp is designed to make the Brony recruits even more evil and destructive and to make them hate non-Bronies even further. They are not only put through grueling work, they are also showered with evil Brony propaganda. By the end of bootcamp, they are the most vile and evil of all idiots.
Military Subdivisions[edit | edit source]
The Bronies that make it out of bootcamp are drafted into one of the subdivisions of the Equestrian Armed Forces, where they will spend the rest of their lives doing military duty, quelling rebellions, and possibly fighting in wars. The Army engages in artillery and land battles. Equestria has no Marine Corps. Instead, certain divisions of the Army do all actions that the Marines would do. The Navy engages in all warfare in the ocean. The Air Force engages in all air battles. The Army and Air Force have joint use of anti-aircraft guns.
Equestrian geography[edit | edit source]
Equestria's landscape is dull, gray and brown, and boring. It is very common to see massive wildfires burning, using the souls of the dead as fuel. The few cities that are left are filled with spy cameras, propaganda posters, monotonous houses made out of dirt and human feces, and nothing else. Wild Grues roam the countryside, killing anyone they see. Gigantic craters can be seen in the wasteland. These are made by bombs, including radioactive craters made by nuclear warheads. There is almost no plant life in the deserts. No animals are there either, other than Grues. All lakes have dried up into dry pieces of nothingness. And by nothing, I mean NOTHING. For fuck's sake, there is absolutely nothing there! The once-great Amazon River is now completely gone, with no chance of ever coming back. Even on the coast, the water is polluted with laboratory chemicals, toxins, animal poop, and bones. The shores have torn, shredded trash and wreckage strewn upon them.
Equestrian cartography[edit | edit source]
Every single damn shitty map that Equestria turns its is so bad that even amateur mapmakers laugh at the disgraceful scum and use Equestrian maps as toilet paper. Equestria's "maps" are dumb scribbles of the country with obscene pictures of horses' -uh, members designating the piles of animal crap they call cities. All other land on Earth is lazily labeled "BRONY HATERS LAND", and all decent human beings are called names like "DEMON PONY HATERS" and "DUMB ANTI-BRONY IDIOT hghfyrggrjfufyfhrhrbfju745(6()$();(;(;(>~^%~<|?~>€£€?~%~#¥);(;;". The rest of the previous insult, which, as you can see, has degenerated into total chaotic garbage, is a Grue-spawning demon chant written by Princess Celestia.
Equestrian biology[edit | edit source]
When Equestrians were infected with Friendship and Magic, their bodies and minds totally transformed into a degraded state to fit the stupid, crappy, ridiculous, hateful Brony mindset. Their arms became deformed and their bones became weak and developed holes, while muscles became unusable, eventually deteriorating. Bronies have purple, rotten, extremely toxic, gooey, squishy, moldy, decomposed, slimy brains that are full of tumors, extreme hate towards non-Bronies, and very obsolete memes which render them incapable of independent thought. Their vocal chords cannot speak. Instead, Bronies always shout, scream, and yell. Bronies act like obnoxious 12 year old boys who whine at supermarkets, and bronies often spew hate at anyone who says anything even remotely negative to My Little Pony. There are no known ways to stop the butthurt inflicted by Bronies. Bronies are well known for smashing keyboards, knocking down shelves at Walmart, yelling at people for no reason, and being absolute idiots.
Equestrian politics[edit | edit source]
Brony Conventions are big sacks of garbage that smell like rotten cancer cells and spoiled cucumbers. They also emit chemicals, including cyanide, and toxic fumes. If you mistakenly end up in a Brony Convention, be aware that there are three major groups that want to subvert you outright:
- Ponifiers: These people are trained to infect people at all costs.
- Cosplayers: They dress up in lackluster pony suits made out of moldy green beans and dirty cotton.
- Grues:: Brony Conventions contain at least one grue. RUN FOR YOUR LIFE IF YOU SEE A GRUE!
You should check these out[edit | edit source]
If you want to know about where Bronies come from, Check this and this. If you want to know about other things check this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this and this. Also, STAY AWAY FROM BRONIES!
Useful Links[edit | edit source]
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- ↑ Equestrian