It Was A Great Blumpkin, Charlie Brown
Hey, Charlie Brown! You wouldn't believe what happened! You know that hot girl at the party last night? No, not the little red-haired girl. The brunette one. You know, with the purple dress? Yeah, her. I hooked up with her! No, it's true! We went to her place, and she actually gave me a blumpkin! Yes! A blumpkin! And it was fan-fucking-tastic!
You guys said it wouldn't happen!
You guys laughed at me! You said I was too young to have sex. I told you 8-year-old girls are really slutty these days, but you still scoffed. When I told you what a blumpkin was, you laughed even harder. You said I was stupid to even try to get girls to do that. But I did! I got a girl to give me a blumpkin! Now who's stupid?
It was great!
So I walked over there, and I was like, "Hey baby!" She smiled and we flirted a bit. We chatted for about 15 minutes before we ditched the party and went over to her place. We sat on her couch drinking root beer, talking about school'n'shit. Then we madeout for about 20 minutes before I suggested the great blumpkin. She didn't know what it was. When I told her, she looked disgusted, yet aroused. Before you could say "Good grief," she grabbed me by the arm, pulled me into the bathroom, and, well, no need to get into gritty details. Use your imagination. ; )
Okay, one gritty detail.
I took a huge shit. I swear, that turd was one big-ass motherfucker.
You don't believe me.
Really, it happened! IT DID!! That brunette chick gave me a blumpkin! It was hot and sexy and nasty and awesome! I swear! It happened!
Why don't you believe me? Why couldn't a guy like me get a blumpkin from a hot girl? Why does everyone think I'm a loser? It's not like I'm fucking you. I know it can't be the blanket. It has to be you. You make me look bad. You're such a blockhead douche.
Fine, I'm lying.
I never hooked up with the girl. I tried to, though. I walked up and started flirting with her, but she immediately laughed at me for having a security blanket. Her girlfriends joined in and they all started teasing me. I was so embarrassed I peed my pants and ran out. There was no great blumpkin.
But just you wait, Charlie Brown, it'll happen! I'll get laid! Any day now! (*fades out*) Just you wait, Charlie Brown! I'll get a great blumpkin and you'll see! You'll all see! And it'll be with a really hot babe! A grown one! Yeah, I'll land me a grown-up piece of ass! It'll happen, Charlie Brown! I'll have her screaming "WAH WAH WAH!" You'll see! Just wait! It'll be fantastic...
Written by Charles M. Schulz.