People Eating Tasty Animals
- This article is about the meat-eating advocacy group. The People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, a parody of "PeTA" with deceptively similar initials, is another name for some people who like torturing people for the sake of "saving" animals when all they do is save their torturous little selves from running out of money. For other uses, see Peta.
History[edit | edit source]
This is something that PeTA probably wishes was changed, due to the high levels of "cruelty" back then.
Bears 1, People 0[edit | edit source]
The first PeTA member was a broker who had watched a number of colleagues being mauled and eaten by bears right in the middle of the market. Distraught, he attempted with the support of Teddy Roosevelt and Paddington Blair to create Animals for the Ethical Treatment of Humans, a group to lobby the bear community to stop mauling and eating people.
The effort was an abject failure. In the lean and desperate Great Depression era, animals would eat people and feel hungry an hour later. There was nothing left but skin and bones on most of their prey.
The march to Hamburger Hill[edit | edit source]
After narrowly escaping becoming dinner themselves, the group changed name and tactics, resorting to fighting the terrorism wrought by animals against humans with equal terrorism. PeTA members vowed to arm themselves and ally themselves with the "Nasty Rednecks, Armed" group NRA to ensure that next time, they'd be the ones eating the bear - even if in Soviet Russia, the bear eats you.
They amassed their forces under a tyrannical general, the General Tso of the hen-house massacre incident, and his evil henchman Colonel Sanders. The animals were going to pay for all the years of predation in which humans were merely food for lions and tigers and bears. Oh my!
The war left nothing but Kentucky fried carnage in its wake. The bears, under the dictatorial but misguided leadership of Winnie the Pooh, fought on until nothing remained of Pooh's home base Winnipeg but frozen tundra. The mad cows decided to regroup on Hamburger Hill, inflicting massive casualties on the humans, as the war of attrition continued relentlessly until virtually no one was left standing on two feet or four.
In the course of the war, a group of conscientious objectors sprouted on religious grounds. The Vegetarian sect, a religion of worshippers of peas and carrots, felt that both humans and animals were of no importance and hardly worth fighting for compared to the apple of their eye.
These events quickly became fodder for parodies such as "People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals".
A new world order[edit | edit source]
Accomplishments[edit | edit source]
- Lied in pamphlets.
- Lied on their website.
- Made themselves look like total and complete idiots.
- Made themselves look like worse total and complete idiots.
- Made themselves look as totally and completely idiotic as possible.
- Made thousands of human beings cry.
- Violated Godwin's Law in their idiocy.
- Tried to get the town Hamburg to change its name to "Veggieburg" due to it sounding to much like the word "hamburger".
- Tossed some anonymous red blood-like liquid (see below) into countless fur coats.
- Been extremists in any definition possible (see above).
Bloodshed (list of what the "blood" PeTA uses could possibly be)[edit | edit source]
- corn syrup
- red ink
- stage blood
- something with alky hol in it
- something the cat dragged in
- what they did with the rest of the expired blood that Dracula couldn't fit inside of him.
- Progenitorivox 
- lava, particularly that of the type in Super Mario games
- whatever was left over from that horror movie that made everyone nauseated because of all the gore that was in it.
- red Kool-Aid, such as the type Kool-aid Man usually carries inside his giant pitcher head
- aaaaand whatever else that is reddish liquid.
References[edit | edit source]
- Who really cares what bees go through for honey?
- Particularly sensitive teenage girls and whoever those kids were that received the "Your mom kills animals!!!" comic books.
- That extremely great medicine with the dancing pills and all those side effects including almost everything you can think of!
- Luckily, I never saw that one.
See also[edit | edit source]
- PETA, a completely unrelated group.
- PEEV, People Enraged by the Eating of Vegetables
- PITA, People for the Inetical Treatment of Asparagus.
- PAKO, People Against Killing of Organisms - the logical conclusion of the PETA extremism. They eat no organisms, only vitamins synthesized in laboratories, and members have received many Darwin Awards.
- Category:Food for a collection of tasty recipes to use up the leftovers from this battle.