Slipknot
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“I know they sound like donkey shit but it doesn't matter, they're so dark and metal. I mean just look at those sick masks man... are you looking?”
“Grrrr Rrag!”
Slipknot are a frightening, posercore band straight out the depths of hell, according to them at least. It was originally made for those who like the concept of a band but hate, or even know what is, music. Now it caters to nearly all the people who have an I.Q. less than 50.
Formation of the Band
As a child, the young Corey Taylor often dreamed of a life of stardom. He dreamed of a life as the lead singer of his own band, playing his music with unmatched skill in front of a screaming audience of thousands. Only one thing prevented him from this: absolutely no talent for any thing music. All this changed, however, the day that he found a lottery ticket on the side of the road. Quickly scooping it up before anyone else could steal it, he entered the draw and (in the first of many lucky occurrences in his life) won the huge amount of $6.83. Convinced that such an incredible amount of money must have been a blessing from God, he quickly renounced his gutter-scraping ways and bought a bus ticket to Iowa. It was here where he started working in a circus and learned the skills which would later help him perform better as a singer on stage. It was here that he met those who would later become the various drummers, guitarists and corpse wranglers of Slipknot. After releasing their debut album, Maybe Having All 9 People in Our Band Playing at the Same Damn Time Will Hide the Fact that Nobody Has Real Talent, they had finally found their type of music, and Slipknot's energetic live shows became a cash cow for them. Their follow up album, Let's Slaughter a Goat also became a best seller. By 2003, the band was sick of not playing real music and so their 3rd album, 3rd Album, contained hints of actual musical content, not so much though. This was met with huge backlash with their white following. Realising their fans are so dumb that they can't even tell a rabbit from a hairpin, their 4th album, A Rusty Knife Through Your Balls contained no real music and only noise, which restored their fan base to its original strength.
Band
0 Sid - Turntables: That's right, you read that correctly. Turntables in a heavy metal band. Why? Because they can, mother fuckers! Sid's masks have gone from a gas mask, to a skull, to Mr. Roboto. Why? Because he can, mother fucker! He's not indecisive.
3 Chris Fehn - Backup drums, backup growls: Chris was the third drummer to join the band because dammit, two just aren't enough; his other job is to "sing" backup for Corey, so in theory, he could leave the band and it probably wouldn't make much of a difference at all. He is the only member of Slipknot who does not wear a mask, as no mask in existence could fit over his dildo-like Pinocchio nose. His nose grows every time he lies.
4 Jim Root - Noise guitar: Jim Root was the only member whose mask got less scary over time, going from this angry big chin thing, to his real face. He wears tight jeans because he is unaware of who the fan base contains.
5 Silent "133" Bob aka Spiky Guy - Head bobs, button pushing: Nobody really knows what Silent Bob does at their shows, or even if he's even a real member of the band. He's always there in the back, head bangin' away behind some sort of pedestal. It looks cool, though.
6 Clown - Backup drums, backup screams, baseball bat, sex with the stage props: Clown is completely unpredictable. He'll get into fights with anyone for any reason, so long as there is money involved afterward, and he'll bang on anything with in reach. He can do anything except play music. His masks themselves have suffered massive head-wounds doing God knows what after the shows. Ironically, he's the only member of the band classy enough to wear a tie.
7 Seven - Thrash guitar, kick-ass beard: This is a man obsessed with the number seven. Maybe it's because it's the number of dirty words you're not allowed to say on TV. He likes to bend over when he plays, because he'll never be happy unless he's in constant back pain.
8 Corey - Lead Screams: He! Is a world before he is a man. He! Was a creature before he could stand. He! Will remember before he forgets. BEFORE HE FORGETS THAT!
Former Members
1 Joey Jordison - Lead drums: Joey Jordison's total lack of drumming ability led to the addition of two more drummers to cover up his bad drumming. In a rare moment of Slipknot empathy, the band was too nice to tell Joey to leave, and kept him on anyway. His mask was a kabuki mask and we're told it's very scary. Unfortunately, he's dead.
2 King Harkinian - bass, Wondering what's for dinner: He got fired for eating all their dinner and masks.
2 Paul The Pig - bass: Paul started out as a pig, then a chipmunk, then this dog thing. Why the obsession with animals? It's what he eats for dinner. Sadly, Paul was killed by Oprah while fighting the empire on the planet Coruscant in his native state of Iowa sometime last Thursday.
4 Barney - Noise guitar, Annoying Other Members: Before his campaign, he was original Slipknot guitarist. He got fired for too much annoying them.
Donnie Steele - Backup drums, bitchslapping: Original member who got fired for bitchslapping Clown's girlfriend. He is performing live with Slipknot since Paul Gray died in 2010.
Colsefini aka Half Naked Dude - Lead Vocals, Screams, Stripping: Original member that recorded their first album "Mate, Puke, Shit, Repeat", He got fired for masturbating on Paul's mask.
Cuddles - Backup drums, fan of baby cartoons: He was replacement for Donnie Steele. He had an baby mask and got fired for eating all chocolate that Slipknot bring for tour. He was replaced by Chris Fehn.
Discography
Singles
- Wait, Wait, Wait, and Wait Some More - 1998
- Spit it in - 1999
- ...Baby, One More Time - 2000
- The Cuddly Anthem - 2001 (This song was banned from Columbia because of 9/11)
- Amazing Grace - 2001
- After I Remember - 2003
- AAAA! - 2003
- Yes - 2007
- Insanely Social - 2009
- Uncomfortably Affable - 2009
- All Girls are GONE!!! - 2010
- I Love You - 2036
- Constipated Anger!?! - 2037
Albums
- Slipknot - 1999
- Iowa - 2001
- Volume 3: Subliminal Messages - 2004
- All Girls Are Gone - 2008
- Volume 5: The Gray Chapter - 2014
- We're Your Kind - 2019
- The End - 2022