Portal:History

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The History Portal
Did Hitler build the pyramids?

The History of the World is the history of humanity from the earliest times to the present, in all places on Earth. Or in short, it's all about stuff that happened while there was someone around smart enough to notice that stuff was happening. At first they were iletterite, and passed their memories on using oral tradition, which disappointingly does not relate to the transference of information via oral sex.

Finally someone worked out how to read, and someone else worked out how to write, and recorded history was then born. History can also come from other sources such as archaeology, which involves digging stuff up and making up stories about it. Despite this being a recognised field of science, it is not suggested that you dig up deceased relatives and give them personalities created from your own psychosis.

Human history starts back with the early Stone Age–or the Paleolithic–known as such as that was the time mankind started using stone tools, not because they were regularly stoned. That had to wait until the Neolithic Era and the invention of agriculture (and beer!), thence the invention of animal husbandry. (See more...)

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The Bacon and Cheese Sandwich of 1905 was an especially good sandwich. High in cholesterol and known to cause cancer, maybe, but really quite delicious. Sandwich connoisseurs, if they still existed, would all agree that it surpassed all other sandwiches of its type and, indeed, probably surpassed most other varieties of sandwich. Alas, the night the sandwich was presented, that of October 14, 1905, marked the end of the noble tradition of sandwich connoisseuring, a great loss to the world of international snobbery.

The Bacon and Cheese Sandwich was built in four stages, starting exactly one year before the sandwich was to be revealed to the public. These stages were in themselves very momentous events, making headlines across the world and affecting the stock market in ways grossly out of proportion to their material significance. An international team of chefs, highly specialized in the craft of sandwich-making, was assembled from over 250 countries; an absurdly large figure, given the fact that there are less than two hundred countries in the world.

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Socrates, known Jedi Master, was known for his verbal and lightsaber battles with his once-pupil, Darth Plato.
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Hatshepsut (/hætˈʃɛpsʊt/; also Hatchepsut; meaning Foremost of Noble Ladies; 1508–1458 BC) was the first woman to become pharaoh in Ancient Egypt. She stood at about eight and half feet tall in very high heels, which was comparatively short in the early fifteenth century B.C.E.

Hatshepsut was the only daughter of King Tuthmoses I, pharaoh of Egypt, Lord of the Nile and Master of Ceremonies at the Giza Souvenir Gift Shop. Tuthmoses fell out with the local priests in Memphis over their excessive worship of El-vis and so moved to Thebes in the Deep South of Egypt where crocodile wrestling was still the main cultural event on a Saturday night. The new capital suited 'Tutty' where he had built a large temple with a porch and papyrus decking where he would sit for hours in his sarong, whistling and scratching an extended royal belly. Like all good Southerners, Hatshepsut was expected to marry into her own family - in this case her half-brother Tuthmoses Junior.

Did You Know?
  • ... that Humphrey Bogart was known for playing "hard-boiled" detectives, known for their milky white skin and round, corpulent figures?
  • ... that statistically, you're probably thinking about the Roman Empire right now? You aren't? Now you are!
This Day in History
Instead of potatoes!

November 19: Buy the Turkey Stuffing Day

  • 2500 BC - Pharaoh Whahuti invents the phrase 'thank you' and requests the phrase to be planted on every garbage can.
  • 461 - St. Hilarius becomes Pope. Ironically, his pontificate turns out to be only mildly amusing.
  • 1605 - Puritans get food from Native Americans, then drive them away and take their land in traditional American fashion.
  • 1716 - Sir Isaac Newton coins the phrase 'Thanks a lot!'. Unfortunately, it gets no recognition among trash men. Seconds later, he coins the phrase 'What a prick."
  • 1942 - Stalingrad: Soviet Union forces under General Zhukov launch the Operation Uranus counterattacks, turning the tide of the battle in the USSR's favor. Stalin radios for information and asks him, "How's Uranus doing?"
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