Portal:History

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The History Portal
Did Hitler build the pyramids?

The History of the World is the history of humanity from the earliest times to the present, in all places on Earth. Or in short, it's all about stuff that happened while there was someone around smart enough to notice that stuff was happening. At first they were iletterite, and passed their memories on using oral tradition, which disappointingly does not relate to the transference of information via oral sex.

Finally someone worked out how to read, and someone else worked out how to write, and recorded history was then born. History can also come from other sources such as archaeology, which involves digging stuff up and making up stories about it. Despite this being a recognised field of science, it is not suggested that you dig up deceased relatives and give them personalities created from your own psychosis.

Human history starts back with the early Stone Age–or the Paleolithic–known as such as that was the time mankind started using stone tools, not because they were regularly stoned. That had to wait until the Neolithic Era and the invention of agriculture (and beer!), thence the invention of animal husbandry. (See more...)

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Russo Japanese War.jpg

The Russo-Japanese War, as its name implies, was a conflict fought between the Russian Empire and the Empire of Japan. As its name doesn’t imply, most of the fighting took place in Manchuria and on the Korean peninsula, much to the distaste of the people living there at the time. Hostilities began on February 10th 1904, and lasted until September of 1905, with the budding Japanese Empire emerging victorious. Indeed, Russia’s army of conscripted peasants armed with bolt-action rifles and empty vodka bottles proved wholly ineffective against Japan’s numerous cyborg ninjas and fleet of giant robots piloted by angsty fourteen-year-olds, resulting in the Russian forces being completely routed at every single major engagement of the war.

Though the Russo-Japanese War is largely forgotten today, its importance should not be overlooked. Japan’s resounding defeat of the Russian Empire led to a power shift in Eastern Asia, resulting in Japan’s ultimate recognition by the world community as an imperial power just as corrupt and oppressive as those of the West. Russia’s tremendous loss of life, material, territory and international prestige, meanwhile, set an important precedent in the way Russia would fight all of its future wars.

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Edward Smith, captain of the HMS Titanic, was posthumously charged with "unsafe sailing" and sentenced to 8 hours in traffic school.
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American Empire Amerigo wanted to be a chef.gif

Amerigo Vespucci (March 9, 1454 – February 22, 1512) was an Italian cartographer. Born in Florence, he quickly established a fondness for two things: drawing maps and naming things after himself. These twin obsessions made him something of a social outcast in his own time; however, he has since attracted a certain degree of renown. Vespucci once held the distinction of being the only historical figure to become immensely famous for doing absolutely nothing noteworthy; however, this accomplishment was eventually replicated by George Washington Carver and, later, by Kim Kardashian.

Vespucci was born to wealthy merchant Giovanni Vespucci and his wife, whose name history has forgotten because women are not important. A popular tale holds that Vespucci's first act on earth was to point to himself and exclaim "Amerigo Vespucci", thereby naming himself. However, this tale is likely apocryphal, because babies cannot speak. In his childhood, Vespucci quickly established a reputation for being something of a dick. This was largely a consequence of his habit of renaming all his classmates "Amerigo Vespucci".

Did You Know?
  • ... that the Byzantine Empire is pretty much the same as the Roman Empire, only not as cool?
  • ... that Queen Elizabeth I used approximately 60 tons of talcum powder throughout her reign?
  • ... that Humphrey Bogart was known for playing "hard-boiled" detectives, known for their milky white skin and round, corpulent figures?
  • ... that statistically, you're probably thinking about the Roman Empire right now? You aren't? Now you are!
This Day in History
I remember the time I knew what happiness was...

December 24: The Day Before the Day After Christmas Eve

  • 4 AD - Some smelly Middle-eastern refugee takes shelter in a poo-littered barn, gives birth to an anchor baby.
  • 1877 - Christmas Island is discovered and named "Christmas Island", to the surprise of the Christmas Islanders.
  • 1814 - The U.S. and the U.K. sign the Treaty of Ghent, ending the War of 1812, after the two sides discovered that it was in fact 1814.
  • 1914 - During WWI, German and British troops take a break from murdering each other to celebrate another year of shitting in trenches and dying of diptheria.
  • 1945 - Five children disappear in a West Virginia house fire: their remains are later found and used as crass Halloween decorations.
  • 1968 - The crew of Apollo 8, the first mission to orbit the Moon, realize they left their presents back on Earth.
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