Portal:History

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The Hisory Portal

The authoritative guide to history... well, at least they used to be.

History is a form of propaganda dedicated to ensuring that people continue to hear the messages of two key groups: 1, the Nazis; and 2, the Confederacy.

Anything that does not pertain to the Nazis or the Confederacy is probably not history. The rest of the planet outside America and Nazi Germany considers this bloody annoying, except for France, who in Modern World History books, as a tribute to their pathetic military history, have been given countless sections. And we all know the only significant contribution of the French to modern civilisation is the Baguette.

This is shown by the fact that 88% of all history ever written has something to do with Adolf Hitler, German attempts to build an atomic bomb, the Battle of Gettysburg, Confederate efforts to build a useful submarine, and the fateful day that Rudolph Hess used the Fuhrer's time machine to go back and bring Stonewall Jackson to what was then the future to ensure a Nazi victory over the Empire of the Moon during World War II. (Full article...)

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Highlighted Article

We knew he was trying to compensate for something...

VALLEY OF THE KINGS, Egypt -- In a recent discovery by scientists lurking in old Egyptian tombs, King Tut's penis, which was admittedly passed over quite a bit during examinations, appeared to be missing from its usual place. His Johnson, originally noted to be worth around $50,000 USD, was initially believed to be stolen for its worth and great value. However, these scientists have concluded that his penis was taken some time ago due to its small size.

"We know this is a great shock to everyone, and we request that you all stay mature in a powerful situation like this," said English scientist Ben Dover in response to some local Egyptian middle schoolers' mixed reactions to the announcement. "We never really paid attention to it—until now that is. It really was quite small."

Why his testicles were so small has sparked debates among many top experts around the world. Earlier this year, scientists discussed what might have caused the death of King Tut at such a young age. Swiss researchers brought up the theory that he possibly had a deadly, yet unknown disease that also made his penis small, but that has been dismissed due to the theory's apparent homosexuality.

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Article credit: Paizuri

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Panic on the streets of London...

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Image credit: Cap'n Ben

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Quote of the Day

“History books that contain no lies are extremely dull.”
~ Anatole France

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Highlighted Biography

Biggus Dickus (2AD - 70AD) was a notable Roman legate during the reign of Emperor Tiberius and a close friend of Pontius Pilate. He is possibly best-known to modern scholars for his famous speeches outside the senate house in Rome, known as the "Biggus Dickus Ejaculationus". He was also notably present in the Roman province of Judea around the time of Jesus Christ. His wife was Incontinentia Buttocks.

Early life

Born into a middle-class family in Italy, the young Dickus soon made himself stand-proud from his fellows with his good looks and proud, tall bearing. In his youth, he took the curious fashion decision to shave all the hair on his head off every morning and the "gleaming, shiny head" of Biggus Dickus became a sensation in the streets of the city.

He soon insinuated himself with friends of the Emperor Augustus and there were rumours in Roman society that some of Augustus's freedmen had made Biggus their catamite. Indeed, one such man Sextus Maximus had been heard to say that he craved Biggus Dickus.

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Article credit: Zarbag

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Did You Know...

… in the great fire in London, 1666, half of london was burned down but only 6 people were injured.

… a baboon named Jackie became a private in the South African army in WW1

… the Hershey bar was used in Europe as currency in WW2.

… in the 17th century, anvils were actually made of wood?

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This Day in History

May 26 1862: President Lincoln signs into law the Homeless Act. This allows middle class americans with no money to steal over 160 acres from the poor.

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