Portal:History

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The History Portal
Did Hitler build the pyramids?

The History of the World is the history of humanity from the earliest times to the present, in all places on Earth. Or in short, it's all about stuff that happened while there was someone around smart enough to notice that stuff was happening. At first they were iletterite, and passed their memories on using oral tradition, which disappointingly does not relate to the transference of information via oral sex.

Finally someone worked out how to read, and someone else worked out how to write, and recorded history was then born. History can also come from other sources such as archaeology, which involves digging stuff up and making up stories about it. Despite this being a recognised field of science, it is not suggested that you dig up deceased relatives and give them personalities created from your own psychosis.

Human history starts back with the early Stone Age–or the Paleolithic–known as such as that was the time mankind started using stone tools, not because they were regularly stoned. That had to wait until the Neolithic Era and the invention of agriculture (and beer!), thence the invention of animal husbandry. (See more...)

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U.S.–Mexico Border, c. 2025

An old Spanish mission near San Antonio swelters in the swooning Texas heat, surrounded on all sides by over 2,000 Mexican troops under the command of the charismatic devil-spawn known as General Antonio López de Santa Anna. Inside the mission, 260 soldiers of the Republic of Texas know that there is no hope for survival. Their defeat is imminent. Death stares at them, unblinking. But the brave soldiers hold their ground, steadfast in the face of an enemy that crushingly outnumbers them.

They carry with them a fighting spirit that will later lead their fellow countrymen to brilliant victory at the Battle of San Jacinto. Though this battle will last only thirteen days, its legacy will resound through the months to come, rallying the Texan Revolutionaries to fight ever-stronger for their cherished ideals of justice, freedom of religion, freedom of expression... and the right to beat an African slave within an inch of his goddamned life. This is not merely a siege where one side is pelted with canon and musket fire until they are worn down, dehydrated, starved, infected with typhoid fever, used as piñatas for Día de los Muertos festivities and then thrown to the dogs—this is the Battle of the Alamo.

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Titanic sinking atlantic.jpg
Edward Smith, captain of the HMS Titanic, was posthumously charged with "unsafe sailing" and sentenced to 8 hours in traffic school.
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Hatshepsut (/hætˈʃɛpsʊt/; also Hatchepsut; meaning Foremost of Noble Ladies; 1508–1458 BC) was the first woman to become pharaoh in Ancient Egypt. She stood at about eight and half feet tall in very high heels, which was comparatively short in the early fifteenth century B.C.E.

Hatshepsut was the only daughter of King Tuthmoses I, pharaoh of Egypt, Lord of the Nile and Master of Ceremonies at the Giza Souvenir Gift Shop. Tuthmoses fell out with the local priests in Memphis over their excessive worship of El-vis and so moved to Thebes in the Deep South of Egypt where crocodile wrestling was still the main cultural event on a Saturday night. The new capital suited 'Tutty' where he had built a large temple with a porch and papyrus decking where he would sit for hours in his sarong, whistling and scratching an extended royal belly. Like all good Southerners, Hatshepsut was expected to marry into her own family - in this case her half-brother Tuthmoses Junior.

Did You Know?
  • ... that Afghanistan is known for its lush dirt farms, where dirt and dust are cultivated by villagers to enhance the scenic emptiness for which the region is known?
  • ... that José Mourinho would prefer really not to speak, if he speaks he is in big trouble. If he speaks he's in big trouble and he doesn't want to be in big trouble.
  • ... that the Red Baron, in addition to being the deadliest ace fighter pilot of World War I, traveled through time?
  • ... that Queen Victoria and Prince Albert made love inside every room at Buckingham Palace? It is said one can still hear their romps echoing through the royal halls.
  • ... that the Welsh language was created when someone fell asleep on a keyboard?
This Day in History
Bass? Aoobs?

March 30: International Cleavage Day

  • 13B BC - God creates the Milky Way after squeezing stellar matter out of her insanely big knockers.
  • 1692 - Twelve women are burned at the stake for inciting men to sin with their exposed bra straps.
  • 1867 - America buys Alaska from the Russians because of its stiff Mountain peaks and vast tracts of fertile land.
  • 1945 - Woman wears clothing that shows cleavage. The husband beats her.
  • 1950 - The first film in Indonesia gets released, known for having at least one uncensored boob scene.
  • 1977 - Marvel Comics designs a bra with a nipple window, claims its a proud Kryptonian tradition.
  • 2012 - Big butts are now in! But you still can't be more than 120 pounds. Hey, I don't make the rules.
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