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Adolf Hitler

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"Hitler" redirects here. For other uses, see Hitler (disambiguation).
Hitler, keeping his pimp hand strong. "You must be this tall to ride in my Wohnwagen."

“If only Alois had pulled out ...”

Beat all Jews! Beat all Jews! BEAT ALL JEWS!

~ Hitler's agenda

Adolf "Chuckles" Hitler (20 April 1889 – 30 April 1945) had very sexy legs. I wouldn't mind a piece of that. Mmm, mmm, good.[Citation not needed at all; thank you very much] He was an Austrian a German politician who served as the Chancellor and Der Fürher of Germany from 1933 to 1933. During his reign, he socially and economically reformed Germany after the injustice of the 1919 Treaty of Versailles, established the Third Reich (Deutsches Reich), architected the Holocaust, and had three root canals as a result of his infatuous indulgence in Reese's Peanut Butter Cups.

In addition to these accomplishments, Hitler was famous for leading Germany as an Axis power through World War II,[1] where he liberated Poland from Jewish influence, liberated France from incompetent cheese-eating surrender monkeys, and liberated Austria from itself. He also attempted to free Russia from communism and Britain from its collapsing Third World imperialism, but was unable to do so.

An insatiable phytosadist, part of Hitler's "Final Solution" was to force the whole world to adopt a vegetarian diet. Hitler was also known for his amateur but passionate art and acting talents as displayed throughout his memorable thespian service to the German war effort in World War I, and for the penning and publication of his entertaining autobiography Mein Kampf.

Hitler's efforts to promote global tolerance would earn him the title as Time magazine's "Man of the Year" in 1938, nomination for the Nobel Peace Prize in 1939, and one of People magazine's "50 Most Beautiful People" of 1943. Additionally, he was leader of the National Socialist German Workers Party and vice president of the Anti-Defamation League for several years, but was removed from this office after it was discovered that he hadn't paid his membership fees.

Early life


You know what they say – people look like their homes.

Hitler was born on April 20, 1889, in Braunau am Inn, a poor village slum in Upper Austria bordering Germany. He was the third son and the eighth child of six. His father, Alois Hitler, was a customs official in Australia-Hungary on the border with the German Empire; while his mother, Gretta Pölzl, was his father's third wife's second cousin once removed.

Hitler once declared in Mein Kampf that his political views stemmed from the observations he had made while he was young. Some historians suggest Hitler may have felt cramped inside his mother's womb, giving way to his later resentment of foreigners invading his already cramped space in Europe. It has also been suggested that the insides of Hitler's mom were not diverse enough, contributing to his later xenophobia. In addition, the nutrient needs of an unbirthed Hitler may have, from time to time, gone unfulfilled. This most likely contributed to his paranoia and sense of impending doom regarding the continued availability of resources at Germany's disposal, including Aryans.

The fact that Hitler's conception was unplanned, some have argued, may have attributed to his later pessimism and stress-induced anxiety. A certain Alice had sexual relations with Hitler back in 1942. Hitler killed himself three years later. In another context, paranoid tendencies may have led to his decision to invade the Soviet Union, acting on preemption; however, it may have just been penis envy or repressed asexuality.

Adolescence and education

Further information: Little Adolf's School Report
Hitler loved to skateboard in his youth. He skated best when the proceeds of the tournaments went towards Zionism.

Young Adolf tended to be a rebellious youth. In particular, he was disruptive in class, with one notable incident occurring in third grade. Hitler was seated next to a Polish boy and a French boy, and one day when the teacher was off in the teacher's lounge, he beat them up and tried to take their desks away because, he said, he needed more room to work on his math homework. However, when he tried to beat up Ivan, the exchange student from Moscow, young Adolf ended up with a black eye. A nearby American kid stepped in to help restore order, but only after the fight had already gone on for twenty minutes. Some psychologists believe that this event may have been a formative one for the impressionable young Adolf. Hitler and his best friend Edward Richtofen would constantly beat up Jewish kids for lunch money, and it was here where Hitler's hatred for Jews really kicked off.

Hitler proved to be an incredibly gifted child with superior intelligence until his high school years in which Hitler's teachers claimed he had "far exceeded the courses offered at even the most prestigious institute". Hitler once stated that some of his idols and heroes growing up were Michael Jordan and Pontius Pilate.[2] No longer challenged and bored with school, Hitler left school with no qualifications at the age of sixteen.

Young adulthood

After high school, Hitler found himself living in both Vienna and Munich at the same time. He applied to several art schools, only to be rejected, not because his artwork sucked ass, but because he had no legitimate high school degree. Unable to meet qualifications of any art school, he was recommended to pursue a career in architecture. His memoirs reflect his opinions on architecture: "Naturally, I was no good at it. Architecture, as a whole, is a career most suited for those who can create rather than destroy. Not only that, but designing crap just seems really boring. After a while it's [yawn] like, 'Oh, let's go build the world's largest gazebo,' or 'Let's build another synagogue.'"

Hitler's mother would then die a horribly painful death in December of 1907 after falling into a woodchipper feet-first. Hitler would suffer from severe depression, and many historians have asserted that he never fully recovered from the loss of his mother. He was also plagued with a phobia of gardening equipment for the rest of his life.

Military service

Hitler as a young Reichsmarine Gefreiter


As a young patriot, Hitler joined the German military and briefly served in World War I on a blockade runner. Aside from sinking the occasional ship (two at Verdun), his main duties also included running messages and selling medicated condoms. In one particular incident, his entire regiment was ambushed, though he managed to crawl to safety after being shot in the hiney. Hitler was the only one to survive, and received an Iron Cross for his bravery.

Hitler then found himself carted off to a hospital in occupied Belgium. Strangely, everyone there was doing a new experimental psychoactive drug, known as "acid". Hitler was told by his quipster bunkmates that the drug "healed all wounds". Hitler, eager to get back into action to serve his country, was fooled. After a few moments, Hitler found himself in a magical place where he claims he ran into God. The Divine One told the young Austrian Australian to utilise his musical talents to best serve the German war cause.

It went against all religious principles, but Hitler went on with it. It is Western propaganda that he actually instigated the war by annoying the Allies with his horrible banjo playing, and so the Allies had to "eliminate him for a good cause, taking away his musical privileges and squashing him under an iron fist".

Or so the story goes. Hitler mentioned his vision on several occasions, but some historians doubt the authenticity of this tale, claiming that shrooms were the cause of his vision, not LSD.


In 1916 Hitler helped found "Der Frontseite Westliche Choralgruppe", a musical comedy team who entertained soldiers. The original cast, of which Hitler is the only surviving member, consisted of Benjy Bronkelstein, Shlomo Strasseberg, Shalom Klein and Adolf Hitler. It is believed that during this period Hitler grew unreasonably fond of Jews.

At the end of the second season, however, all but Hitler had lost interest in entertaining soldiers and building acts around Germanic themes. After a series of legal battles and hearings, the trio wrest control of the group from Hitler. The court decided that if Hitler wished to continue his show, he would have to come up with a new name. The whole experience left Hitler bitter and jaded towards lawyers and show business, but fortunately, not the ethnic groups who thrived within these professions. Still dedicated to helping the war effort, Hitler continued solo, billing his program as "Der Neue Frontseite Westliche Choralgruppe Empfindung". Hitler was also forced to develop new comedy routines, the most acclaimed of which guest-starred Le Pétomane in a routine called "Guess What I Had For Breakfast".

As the war dragged on into its fourth year, it had become clear to a number of generals that the war had been lost, and they refused to book Hitler. After being repeatedly rejected, Hitler became irate and stormed out of Germany just as the armistice was being signed. Hitler angrily returned his SAG card in disgust and vowed never to grace the stage to perform a drama again. However, his love of theatrics would crop up repeatedly in the ensuing years, as is best shown in the spectacle of Nuremberg and the sweet-ass costumes the Wehrmacht got.

Entry into politics

Convinced that he was among traitors, Hitler took a brief hiatus from the recently reformed Nazi Party. He went to Calcutta and began to meditate with Savitri Devi, which seemed his only hope for finding inner peace.

Meanwhile, back in Europe, both the winning and losing powers were totally ashamed of the destruction they had caused in World War I, but nobody wanted to hurt feelings and designate one party as responsible. Thus, it was decided at the conference in Versailles that the only fair way would be to draw straws to determine who would pay to rebuild Europe and take the blame for the war, following the protocol of the Straw Drawing Act of 1835. Needless to say, Germany drew the short straw, was assigned the guilt, forced to pay war reparations and sell its children into slavery. These conditions were written into the Treaty of Versailles.

Immediately after the short straw was drawn on behalf of Germany by Gottlieb Kürzerenziehen, the German government folded, and Kaiser Wilhelm II fled for Denmark. Anarchy erupted, but after several days and a brief shootout, the Illuminati finally took over, and the Weimar Republic was formed the next day on November 32, 1919. This changed very little.

Religious influence

The official Wehrmacht (Panzer Corpse) poster, used to recruit those who wished to die for their country

Hitler heard about the treaty and its aftermath, who convinced that his beloved Germany would never again be a powerful nation, was about to commit suicide. However, God reportedly appeared before Hitler once again and stopped him. As the film Triumph of the Will would later show, it was God's will for Hitler to return and rebuild Germany.

Hitler eagerly accepted the task, filled with extraordinary and unrelenting rage over the Versailles treaty. Interestingly, Hitler was misinformed, and did not know the entire story behind Versailles; nobody had bothered to tell him about the legitimate straw drawing. Consequently, even if his oratory skills did not suck, it was this ill-informed disposition that was the foundation of his passionate rants. As good sports, the Germans had accepted the guilt and hardships that come with the short straw, albeit reluctantly. For this reason, nobody knew quite what to think of Hitler. At first, few took him seriously. Some thought his speeches were part of neo-modernist Weimar culture, and as such, an experimental comedy act. On more than one occasion, people were known to start laughing hysterically in the middle of Hitler's ranting – out of confusion, mainly. This always created a very awkward moment, for both Hitler and his audience.

Nevertheless, Hitler continued to argue his case vehemently, people began to realise he was serious, and also began to see him as a way by which they really could reverse the doings of Versailles and revitalise Germany. Thus, once the movement began to grow rapidly, nobody dared to tell Hitler about the straws, fearing that he might have a change of heart. Hitler promised to destroy not only the Versailles Peace Treaty but also every inferior race – and take over the world. Unfortunately, everyone thought he was only [m]ucking around when he said it.

Beer Hall Putsch

Hitler, at this time, was the Führer of the Nazi party. The party had just found its roots in the German political arena when on November 9th, 1923, Hitler along with members of Kampfbund, the Nazi party, and World War I General Erich Ludendorff, attempted to take control of power in Munich and Bavaria. To make a very long story short, the coup failed after the group burst into Bürgerbräukeller, a beer hall, armed with squirt guns. Hitler was consequently convicted and sentenced to five years at Landsberg Prison after the coup failed, but was released early after bribing the judge overhearing his case through unmentionable methods.

Prison and Mein Kampf

Main article: Mein Kampf
The sequel to Mein Kampf was discovered years after Hitler's death.

Hitler was arrested after the failed coup and held prisoner for treason; he was held at the Federal Prison of the Greatest Place in the World: Landsberg, Germany. While imprisoned, Hitler penned Mein Kampf, an autobiography which explained his views on tolerance, acceptance, peace, the equality of races, and detailed the greatest feats he had made in his life so far. One of them included the time he killed a man in a bathtub with a hairdryer. Mein Kampf was published to an ecstatic audience. On the fifth anniversary of its initial publication, an uncensored paperback version was made available.

Its contents were confusing and inconsistent. It was, at points, political and serious, yet at other points contained pop-up pictures and fart jokes. Nonetheless, during Hitler's lifetime, the book was a bestseller and Hitler enjoyed great success. But he still wasn't able to buy a Volkswagen with all the dough he raked in. Years later, an unfinished sequel titled Mein Kampfy Chair would be uncovered, leaving readers bewildered at the lack of any coherent structure.

After his release, Hitler was court ordered to attend two AA meetings a week and was placed on probation. He was on probation from his release until his death in 1945. During this time, he violated his probation only once when his probation officer caught him systematically exterminating nine million Jews in Europe, for which he was fined and sentenced to twenty hours of community service.

Rise to power

On the campaign trail

The foundation of the early Nazi Party consisted of German patriots, particularly those who had served Germany in World War I. Among this cast were korpsen for hire, such as the Frei Korpses. Pissed off that there were no more wars to fight, these former militarymen kept themselves busy chasing Commie rats out of the country. In one particular incident, Bavarian socialists thought they could take advantage of the weak government and stage a revolution. Pff. What were they thinking? The Frei Korpses gave them a roundhouse kick to the face, and that was the end of that.

Later, the Panzer Korpse would be named in honour of this group of World War I veterans, who were instrumental in building the party's following; sort of like an anti-communist, social traditionalist and ultra-nationalist Pied Piper.

Germany under Hitler tends to be very ultranationalist, just the way Hitler likes it!

There is more to the story of how Hitler came to power. His nemesis, Adolf Schmitler von Knorring, was an Austrian doctor whose memoirs ("my cough") were very popular with cardiologists but had little effect on the general public. On the other hand, Hitler's platform combined the elements that led both the Republican Party and Democratic Party in America to each gain approximately half the votes every time. For 50% of the vote, he appealed to the working class, humanists, tree-huggers, and minorities; for the other 50%, he appealed to Bible-thumping Christians, nationalists, good ol' boys, and rich ol' boys.

Others knew Hitler from his world-renown yet brief stint as a war entertainer and were simply impressed with his reputation. The Nazis also combined elements of Christianity with neo-pagan philosophy. Hitler said:[3]

Nazi Germany

Main article: Third Reich
Hitler exercises his absolute power over the German masses by counting the lightbulbs in the stadium.

Hitler intended to build a Third Reich Empire from which other nations could take anything they wanted. Homosexuality was not only tolerated by this ultra-liberal regime, it was actually encouraged, especially in public. At first, the Nazis rewarded those who engaged in street-side gay sex romps with the German Cross. These events became so popular that the award became devalued, leading to the special creation of Golden Party Badge for those regularly involved in six man orgies which included watersports.

Hitler knew that not everyone would find these events appealing. Thus, he encouraged citizens of the Reich to find their own unique cup of tea. Consequently, many pursued Judaism, another Nazi favourite. One could even be a gypsy if they wanted to learn the socially acceptable way to hassle tourists. Hitler was criticised for his policies of tolerance, not yet fully understood by the inferior world outside of the Reich. Overall, the Third Reich was at least 17% better than the two that came before it.

However, the Night of Broken Glass (Kristallnacht) was universally frowned upon. On that fateful night, Hitler's temper got the best of him due to his frustration with the quality of silverware available throughout the Reich. Consequently, in an incident Hitler personally regretted until his death, he expelled all of Germany's silverware manufacturers to Siberia. The Soviets did not take to this news very well, and told Hitler to find his own exile camps to use.

Additionally, Joseph Goebbels was getting very desperate as he had not maintained an erection since 1933, so he ordered the SA to smash up some Jewish shops and kill some Jewish children. Unfortunately, they did not realise that many Jews were renting premises from their Aryan superiors and therefore Goebbels had inadvertently licensed vandalism of German property. Satisfied with his erection nonetheless, he apologised to an angry Adolf and ordered the Jews to clear up the mess.

Hitler improved Germany vastly by increasing foreign trade with other Axis powers and enjoying the natural resources of conquered nations. With the construction of the German highway system and socialisation of German education, Germany became one of the most economically stable nations in the world during the Third Reich all thanks to Hitler. Hitler also advocated economic nationalism; however, it wasn't long before globalisation got the best of German businesses. McDonalds, KFC, and several other companies soon found their roots in Germany.

Hitler even approved of drug use and was an avid amphetamine user. He encouraged the people of Germany to do drugs not just safe drugs like meth and heroin, but hard drugs like marijuana. Later on his childhood friend, Edward Richtofen, now a chemist and biologist, asked him if he could fund a new drug business that sold the newly discovered drug known as Element 115 which was extremely popular in the German rave scene of the 1930s. Hitler tried the drug for himself and loved it, overdosing on it several times. Soon Group 935 was integrated into the Nazi Party and was given full permission to sell Element 115 anywhere in Nazi Germany or its occupied territories.

Hitler's foreign policy was aggressive and extremely nationalistic. Hitler believed that all other countries were inferior to Germany for not recognizing the equality of all nations and people as Germany did, which is why he opposed NAFTA, the European Union, and unconditional diplomacy during his time.

The Second War to End All Wars

Main article: World War II
Hitler with Polish beer, the main cause of the invasion (1939 Nuremberg Rally).

Poland must have been on the rag, because it had decided Hitler's Third Reich was ruining the minds of the young Poles and a boycott was necessary. Perhaps most importantly, Hitler's Nazi Party was banned from Poland, and their material influences were often confiscated and thrown back across the border like frisbees. For added emphasis, Poland banned the export of Polish beer, which Hitler had grown fond of drinking in moderation. Outraged, Hitler personally crossed the border into Poland to discuss the situation, but the Polish took to arms, believing this to be a hostile invasion.

It is probably true that the Polish generals had taunted Hitler with pictures of Brad Pitt without a shirt. In addition, war was almost certain because Poland was also eating Germany's children. Nevertheless, after Germany finally invaded Poland, Earth ganged up on Germany and declared war for reasons unexplained. Shortly thereafter, Hitler began the invasion of France. When asked why, he said: "Ze Eiffeil tower vas billt fur ze Germans, und ze French cheese ist smelly." During this time, Hitler also took over some country that nobody cared about called Czechoslovakia.

At first, it appeared that the Axis powers, now mostly comprised of Benito Mussolini's Italian fascist state, Imperial Japan, and Nazi Germany, was going to give Earth a run for the money, winning in Poland, Denmark, Norway, France and Middle Earth. However, these actions brought the Soviets back into the mix. Since invading Finland, half of Poland and moving into the Baltic, the Soviets had become surprisingly quiet. This was because they were drifting in and out of a coma of the last year and a half, managing to remain continually hammered on Russian vodka.

Hitler's series of misguided invasions. Clearly, he did not know the way to Czechoslovakia.

Suddenly, Stalin and the Soviet Union now regained consciousness and discovered that more than half the countries they had wanted to invade were already being claimed by Hitler. Worse, Stalin's top executives had failed to properly register the Soviet Union for the "Great European Land Raffle", putting the Soviets at an extreme disadvantage in the territory swindling department.

Stalin, a rational man, knew he had to confront Hitler personally, so he worked hard to get Hitler to agree to a conference. Hitler agreed to meet with Stalin and surprisingly, the two were able to come to terms and became good old friends like the good old days of the Molotov–Ribbentrop Pact. Then one night during dinner, Hitler brought the finest bottle of French champagne and asked Stalin to perform intercourse with him because he found his moustache attractive. Stalin, highly confused, told Hitler to get out of his house and to never call him again. Hitler went home and cried all night, then launched Operation Barbarossa (the German attack on Western Russia) the next day.

Despite his best efforts, Hitler simply could not convince the Germans to stop frolicking in the meadow picking daisies. At the time, the hills were alive with the sound of music, which meant everyone wanted to stay in the Alps and enjoy the show; nobody wanted to fight the war. When Hitler realised he was losing, he became extremely angry and ran into his bedroom and cried for hours into his velvet pillow.

After spending all night crying in his room full of candles and incense (again), Hitler decided he didn't care about the war anymore and ordered the construction of the Phooey-Bunker so he could play Hūsker Dū without interruptions. The German military would continue to fight, even after losing at their last major offensive, the Battle of the Bulge. At this point, the Allied bombings of Germany had become ridiculous,[4] so most Kenyans contend that Hitler had made the right decision since the war wasn't even his fault in the first place.[5]

The Holocaust

While no one knows who "Jude" was, his stickers were the style in the 1930s, and were immortalised in the Beatles song "Hey Jude".

The supposed slaughter of six million Jews and countless other minority groups in Europe by Hitler and the Nazi regime was used as justification for the creation of Israel. However, it's a little known fact that Hitler supported the formation of a Jewish homeland, and was the first to come up with the idea. He wanted to move all twelve million Jews by train to a site in Palestine. However he soon found out that one train ticket that far was at least €1500 while cyanide tablets were €2.65 per crate of a thousand. Hitler did the math, and what we were left with was a few dead unconscious but totally fine Jews.

Concentration camps were actually nice places to live.

Of course, the SS claimed that the Holocaust accusations were complete exaggerations and lies. While the Nazi party did round up Jews in Europe and a few died on the way, Hitler's message of tolerance and peace would've been complete hypocrisy, which Hitler was not. The absence of bodies is bare proof that such events did not take place. While some may suggest that the bodies were incinerated in the large body incinerators found at Auschwitz and the like, these are misconceptions. What were wrongfully called "large body incinerators" were in fact large ovens used to bake many delicious baked goods for the Jewish population. Given the size of the incinerators, the SS could incinerate roughly 400 Jew bodies a day taking into consideration size and weight ratio and the average length to completely burn a body given the incinerators' heat settings. In summation, it would've been impossible to burn even one quarter of the Jews in the given time that the supposed Holocaust took place. Therefore, it never happened.

These "death camps" were actually camps used to keep Jewish and other minority inhabitants safe while the war carried on based on Hitler's fear that the Allies would begin a massive genocide of these people were Germany to be invaded. Such activities at these camps included frequent showering, digging holes, dieting, and baking Kosher cookies.

There are also other explanations for the Holocaust. Europe was in a poor state before and during the war. With many countries and people, including Germany, something had to be done. The Jews of Europe successfully convinced Hitler to let them help out their superior fellow man. Throughout time, the Jews received the best from others. The best treatment, jobs, and the most money. The Jews offered to commit suicide so that the rest of Europe could have ample food and resources. Hitler, of course, refused. However, the Jews persisted that they were helping mankind and their actions would be the Final Solution to world hunger. Eventually, the upset Hitler agreed. Without his approval, we could be in a state of world hunger now. We could have so much less resources than we do now. This was a selfless act that the Jews did, causing them to be highly regarded and respected as a people in Germany (posthumously of course).

Defeat and death

The Soviet Union began closing in on Berlin from the east, and other Allies from the west, while the Middle Earth invaded from the southern-north. Through his own stubborn nature, Hitler refused to discuss terms of surrender. After realising defeat and receiving a huge gas bill in the mail that he couldn't pay, Hitler retreated into his secret bunker as his enemies bombed the shit out of Berlin.

On April 30, 1945, Hitler attempted to commit suicide by swallowing a poison pill, then shot himself after the pill took too long to digest. This was a mere ten days after his 56th birthday, and one day after marrying his beloved mistress. Joseph Goebbels assumed position as Chancellor of Germany, and Germany's unconditional surrender followed.

Despite all that transpired, Hitler's efforts to create a better world and promote tolerance did not go unrewarded, and God recognised his good deeds in the afterlife.

Personal life

Never able to birth his own children, Hitler enjoyed the company of his friends' children in a very creepy way.

As recorded by Wagener in his many pages of notes – shortly after Geli Raubal's 1931 accidental shooting death – it is evident that Hitler's niece was not murdered but rather had accidentally shot herself while mishandling Hitler's handgun.[6] He left the gun for her to use in case she wished to play with it while he was gone. As Wagener himself, Heinrich Hoffmann, Kurt Ludecke, Ernst Hanfstaengl, Otto Dietrich and Winifred Wagner have asserted, her death was most certainly a terrible yet humorous accident.

Hitler was deeply affected by her tragic death, and he often recounted not only how much she meant to him personally but, more importantly, how disposable women are in general. One of the most powerful monologues Hitler had ever delivered was on this subject – Wagener recorded it out of boredom.

Hitler's occult beliefs came to the fore in a very real, honest, tangible, and anti-Semitic way during his life. Nobody could come away from it not believing in Hitler's complete sincerity when it came to the death of his niece. Hitler had a very real human side that could easily overtake him, especially when he experienced tragedies like this one. Hopefully you will come away from it having learned not only a bit more about history but a bit more about the fragility of life and the importance of the safety mechanism on pistols as Hitler did.

Moreover, Hitler's emphasis on marriage as much more than a contract will reveal to you that he thought on a much deeper intellectual and spiritual plane than the average white supremacist. He was unique indeed, and his outlook on marriage and women is interesting when one considers he was a failure at relationships. Hitler also had a sincere belief that marriage was not to be taken lightly, and he sometimes expressed why he could not marry. He did not choose not to marry out of selfishness, but rather, impotence. Many historians paint a morbid picture of a stormy relationship between Hitler and Eva Braun; one in which Hitler mistreated Eva and called her "simple" and "stupid". Actually, Hitler called Eva on the phone every day while he was away, and his vacation time spent with her has been extensively documented by several of his adjutants, especially Hans Baur (his pilot, fellow drinking buddy, and wingman.)[7]

It is not true that he called her "stupid", as allegedly uttered by Albert Speer. He loved her for being an innocent and apolitical product of her filthy Catholic upbringing. He wanted a woman like his mother; a kind, yet abusive and caring, happy, dead woman. The terms he more likely chose to describe her with were "dull" or "unaffected". Traudl Junge recalled in her memoirs how immensely concerned for Eva he always was, and how he always had a glow about him and pitched a tent in his pants when she was in his presence, or even if someone mentioned her name.

Another strong portion of Hitler's beliefs was his opinion on daycares. Most people do not even know that daycare centres existed back in the 1930s and 1940s, but they did. Hitler did not like the idea of the daycare centres, and it was his hope that he would be able to encourage women to want to raise own children and to want to be mothers, as opposed to labourers.


But, what is also worth noting, is the fact that Hitler did not proactively seek to remove women from the workforce, as he realised that young women and gifted women would certainly want to work and get an education and become more than general prostitutes, at least for a little while. This is another common misconception about Hitler's social policies. One need only take note of Winifred Wagner, female military volunteers, women factory workers and Jews during the war years, Traudl Junge, Leni Riefenstahl, or Magda Göbbels, to come to the realisation that Hitler's policies never inhibited individuals, but exploited them.

Hitler even goes so far as to rant against some of those in his own party who had played a role in destructive policies. The idea that all the Nazi-Sozis adhered to an identical – albeit predominantly maniacal – worldview, is untrue. Hitler did not agree with everything that was going on, especially with regards to social policies. But when members of his party expressed their advocacy and love for pie, Hitler could do nothing but agree with them and incorporated pie loving into the Nazi Party platform.

Hitler's emphasis on the family is also very notable. He was truly an admirer of good, solid family life (like Jesus), and he may have taken a particular interest in families because he did not have one; Hitler had only his dull incestuous relationship with his sister. Perhaps his lack of family life made him that much more effectual in his pro-family policies, as he enjoyed, more than most anything else, the accompaniment of his friends' children (in a very creepy way in fact) and their relatives. Hitler visited the families of the Wagners, Göbbels, Richtofens, and Bormanns quite regularly, and he always relished in their company because they were afraid of him and always made him cookies.


Hitler inspired many artists, as he was an artist himself.

Hitler was also a famous and successful artist. Professors bowed down to his artwork and encouraged him to go further with his art career. Hitler often painted beautiful paintings of farm animals engaging in oral sex, furries engaging in oral sex, farm animals and furries et cetera ...

Hitler also had a fascination with painting carrots being eaten up by a "silly rabbit" and also fat naked children eating ice cream off of pieces of wood. Hitler's favourite painting was one of him dancing on an orgy of sunflower rainbows and homosexuals sending e-mails to each other.

Some have remarked upon Hitler's difficulty with painting people. Many historians have determined that he had a difficulty painting living people, as his portraits of corpses and dying children were exquisitely detailed and remarkable.

Appearance and behaviour

Hitler was most noted for his moustache™ and side-parted hair. Upon close inspection, one can see some obvious Turkish features, such as his olive skin and little dark eyes (leading some to suspect him of being another genocidal Turk, or most shocking of all, a Khazar). He enjoyed wearing women's clothing on occasion, and always in brown, which is thought to have been his favourite colour, being a Taurus. One reason Hitler has always maintained popularity with his people is his well-performed political speeches, which were highly entertaining and usually included a lot of "your mom" jokes. Hitler also had a dog named Blondie, because, like all fascist dictators, he related to animals better than people.[8]

It is also known that Hitler was a fan of the upcoming hardcore German rap scene,[9] dogs, and butterflies. Hitler also had quite an impressive Magic: The Gathering card collection (including his prized Lord of the Pit card) which was discovered by the Red Army in Hitler's bunker after his suicide.

A scar on his right ear was caused by his failed attempt to rescue several starving Jewish orphans in a raging fire in 1932. As a reflection of his childhood fantasies and cross-national humanitarianism, boy Hitler believed he could save all the Jews in the world with the "Spear of Destiny" in hand.[10]

Several geese entered his open mouth in a boating accident in the Ruhr in his early teens, causing injury to his pelvis and lower shoulder. Some have speculated as to whether Hitler had one testicle, syphilis, and indulged in sadomasochistic sexual practices. Most historians consider such speculation piffle as Hitler, as he penned in Mein Kampf, had three testicles, gonorrhea, and was a fan of voyeurism and anal sex, but never S&M which he considered too time-consuming.

Hitler's so-called "funny walk" was in fact a result of a botched circumcision, a fact he did not want revealed to the Jew-hating German opposition he encountered early in his political career. Other notable "Hitlerisms", such as his irrational fear of applesauce, have been attributed to being read bed time stories by his mother, Gretta, until he was 18.

Love life

Hitler, in an awkward moment of exploration

Hitler met the love of his life, Maria "Mimi" Reiter, in 1922. After a longer vacation in Munich, he found himself secretly wanking all night over pictures of her from a local tabloid. Being a future dictator and all, he dictated that Maria should be his wife. At first her father objected to the relationship, and Hitler found himself in a dilemma. To prevent Hitler from taking his daughter back to Germany, the father locked Maria in a tall castle. Horrified, Hitler came to the foot of the castle and bellowed out a passionate and moving rendition of "Love Machine" by The Miracles to which Maria lowered her extremely long hair and allowed him to climb up it. Maria's father was completely infatuated with Hitler after this performance. Maria's father then took to his knees, begging for forgiveness and, if possible, a quick romp in the bushes. Hitler declined the latter request, trying his best not to hurt the old man's feelings. Instead, he asked for permission to wed Maria, and later that year, the two were officially engaged.

Late in the engagement between Hitler and Maria, Eva Braun was thrown into the mix. Maria was open-minded about the new possibilities, but she quickly changed her mind when it became clear that Eva was a better wife than she had been, and a better lay at that. Indeed, now that polygamy had entered into the life of the Hitlers, the ensuing drama made for one of the greatest shows ever seen on German television. Hitler was a big contributor to the soap series, Glamour, and was an influence on a number of scripts based on actual events that he had experienced.

Eventually, Hitler found himself leaving Maria altogether and having a long-lasting relationship with Eva. The two would marry. In only one day of marriage, the two found themselves feuding with each other over bills, sex, and the children. The two killed themselves the next day.

Preceded by:
Kaiser Wilhelm
Chancellor of Germany
1933–1945 AD
Succeeded by:
Von Bobby John

See also


  1. Or, as he called it, The European World Tour 1939–45.
  2. Hitler noted in Mein Kampf that he admired Pontius Pilate for having killed Jesus.
  3. "The doctrine of Christianity has worn away before the advances in science. Religion will have to make more and more permits. Gradually the myths will crumble. All that has left is supposed to prove that in nature there is no border area between the organic and the inorganic. In understanding the universe has become widespread, when the majority of men know that the stars are not sources of light but are worlds, perhaps inhabited worlds like ours, then Christian doctrine will be condemned by absurdity. Originally, religion was just a support for human communities. It was a means, not an end in itself. It is only gradually that it has been transformed in this direction, with the object of preservation becoming the rule of priests who can only live to the detriment of society as a whole ... Christianity, of course, has reached the top of absurdity in this regard. And because of that, one day its structure will collapse. Science has already fertilized mankind. Hence, the more Christianity sticks to its doctrines, the faster it will reject it."
  4. Especially in Dresden, LOL.
  5. It was God's, remember?
  6. Hitler was supposedly an advocate of gun control.
  7. If you catch my drift.
  8. Factually accurate, but still funny.
  9. College Encyclopedia (Pgs. 666669, Dr. T. Moore, Professor of Hitler, UKU).
  10. This infamous spearhead was used in Roman times to roast some hot chicken hanging over a fire.
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