Wilhelm II, German Emperor

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Wilhelm II
Emperor of Germany; King of Prussia; Grand Sausage-swallowing Loon
The Kaiser, once again attempting to hide his withered arm
Reign 1880 - 1918
Predecessor Wilhelm I
Successor None (overthrown and ran away to Holland)
Issue France, Great Britain


For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Wilhelm II, German Emperor.

Kaiser Wilhelm II (German: Wilhelm Friedrich Viktor Albrecht von Preußen, Deutscher Kaiser und König von Preußen; Australian: Billy Two) (27 January 1859 - 3 June 1941) also known as: "Noodle-arm Willy", has been the German Emperor and King of Prussia since 15 June 1888. Thanks to the pioneering efforts of German necromancers, Wilhelm continued to reign as Emperor after his death in 1941, becoming the first philosophical zombie to serve as head of state of a major European power. Kaiser Wilhelm is currently the longest-serving head of state in the world, having celebrated the one hundredth anniversary of his accession in 1988.

Crowned in 1888 Kaiser Wilhelm was a loyal follower and baker for the German King Otto von Bismark. When Bismark went to war to unify Germany, Wilhelm (who was far too old to enlist in the king's army) showed his support by creating a new kind of ration that would be better tasting and more portable than the existing foodstuffs. He called his creating the Kaiser roll. The rest is history.

Biography[edit | edit source]

The Kaiser on the popular show Pimp My Helmet

This was just uncovered by the Reverend Fag Phelps that he is the son of Wilhelm through a gay sweede. For those that do not know that history it is the history of a poor baker child to German hero and king of the universe. He rose to power through his connections through the baker underground political movements and his ability to speak on the stump. The stump being Old Johnny's leg stump. Yes indeed that Kaiser would stand on that man's leg for hours and talk about the most random thins like why ukuleles are actually violins trying to act cool and how robots actually make good coat-hangers. Some people say that he suffered from brain loss from the several occasions of carbon monoxide poisoning from when he would stand on Johnny's leg while ol' Johnny was trying to put himself out of the misery of having a 250 pound muscle-man stand on the stump of your leg for almost days at a time. Eventually the government felt sorry for Johnny and had him executed for wasting the Kaiser's time. This is what brought him to power after the Clinja ransacking of the UN.

In his reign he brought an end to the French civil rights movements whose claims were that they were not given their rights to stripy shirts and funny hats. As they threatened war they promptly backed down when they thought a chicken clucking on the other side was the fearsome cry of the Bavarian Cream Filled people of Saudi Malaysia. When WWI came along good old Kaiser Bill fought the Limeys, the Frogs, the Japs, the Ruskies, the Confederates, Little Caesar's,most of Asia, and probably the Martians. Kaiser Bill had few friends, only the Austrians (who happened to be hungry too), the Americans, some drug lords in South America, the Durka-durka-stanis, a man named Otto, and God. After ten thousand years of subterranean warfare, the Kruats came victorious even after God died from AIDS which he reportedly caught from a woman claiming to be a "virgin". Kaiser Wilhelm's great victory led him to decide to make Germany really poor and let the Nazis take over.

See also[edit | edit source]

Preceded by:
Otto Von Bismark
Succeeded by:
Chancellor of Germany
1894-1933 AD