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Today's Party Column The Autoconspiracy 2000 (more commonly known as the Conspiracy Theory Generator) is a top-secret computer program built by the world's most elite historians and computer scientists for the purpose of expanding historical knowledge beyond that which would normally not be achievable by humans. The goal of the program is to map out and eventually solve every historical uncertainty by "Exploring the Infinite Chronoscape" as the program's metadata puts it. Early versions of the Autoconspiracy can be traced back to prehistoric times, where archaeological records show evidence of some particularly clever cavemen who had studied the natural patterns of moss and of mud to explain the origins of organic material. More refined methods of discovering hidden truths came later, culminating with the final Autoconspiracy version, Autoconspiracy 2000 c. 2000. (Full article...) Recently featured: Conspiracy Theory Generator Why?:Is there a monkey in my fridge? John Marshall You Archive · Vote for featured articles · You can beg our leader to feature your favorite columns. More of the best democratically-voted columns Download our military mind implant device edit Our glorious history February 25: Gangrene Appreciation Day 1863 - Civil War surgeons discover a cure for gangrene, a rusty hacksaw and a stick to bite on. 1901 - J. P. Morgan becomes a billionaire after inventing the now world-renowned overdraft protection fee. 1945 - Turkey declares war on Germany. A little late to the party but every little thing helps. 1964 - Kim Il-sung turns North Korea into a verdant paradise, a utopia masquerading as a third-world country. It's basically an Asian Wakanda. 1991 - The Warsaw pact is officially abolished, thus ushering in a new era of peace and stability in Europe for a whole two hours. 1992 - The Khojaly Massacre occurs, part of an ongoing conflict between Armenia and Azerbaijan over the enclave of Nagorno-Karabakh aaaaaand you're asleep. Okay. Complete, fully accessible party archives	Today's hangul word is bivouac Use this word to awe your enemies.
	edit Today in the DPRK He literally fought nail and tooth for Team America Team USA sweeps Canada in Olympic hockey (Pictured); Trump renews "51st state" banter Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (this article is not sponsored by A.I.) The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS! US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters So.. about that Super Bowl.. Bad Bunny and TPUSA offer equally heathen, equally crappy halftime shows GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL!! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson! Next season's Super Bowl revealed to be on Valentine's Day Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April Donald Trump still really, really wants Greenland Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez Ongoing: Nanny state officials breaching people's privacy rights via enforcing social media bans and digital ID under the pretext of "think of the children!" • Fallout from the Epstein Files • r/TheDarnold still having a massive field day • NFL fans experiencing withdrawal symptoms with the season now over • Team Canada rethinking life Recent deaths: Brad Arnold • NFL season • Winter Olympics • Some kid from some movie you probably forgot existed, but had a funny title • James Van Der Beek (Not Dick Van Dyke, Ashley Roberts from the Pussycat Dolls!) • Robert Duvall • Kurt Van Dyke (not Dick) • Jesse Jackson • YouTube • Tom Noonan • Eric Dane • Melania Trump's big movie star career • Team Canada hockey, twice, AND their curling team • Some Nerd named Robert Carradine Not dead: Dick Van Dyke, who's 100, bitches!! (Not to be confused with James Van Der Beek) • Quinton Reviews Upcoming deaths: Donald Trump • NYC's economy and snow handling capability • Weed • Dick van Dyke, eventually • Dancin' Maduro • Iran's government • The careers of everyone named in the Epstein Files • the US government, again • Warner Bros. (?) • A Las Vegas hotel that no one's going to remember • Mexico Rodong Sinmun, page 2 edit It is an irreputable fact... ... that 10 minutes of Super Bowl XLIII was mysteriously interrupted? (Pictured) ... that not all of Ukraine is Russia, though Russia can't seem to tell? ... Jared Leto fucked your bf and he totally enjoyed it? ... that the only thing money can't buy is poverty? ... that Uncyclopedia admins are such lazy bums, they ask their users to think of DYK submissions? ... that Wikipedia features DYKs about mosaic floors that were discovered between 1932 and 1939? ... that Thomas Edison was arrested on charges of pornography following the release of his short film, Woman Whose Ankle is Partly Visible? ... that Mercury is not a miracle substance and does not cure AIDS? You cannot deny... ... that What's-his-name off that thing (Pictured) was in that film with that other dude? ... that my girlfriend has herpes? Neither did I. ... that Michael Jackson should have had more apples to keep his doctor away? ... that the first use of "LOL" is in Shakespeare's play, As You Like It, and that the first use of "OMG" may be found in Macbeth? ... that every time you fall asleep, you die? ... that those suspicious white spots on your professor's blazer are in fact mayonnaise? ... pole dancing was introduced to Egyptian culture by Cleopatra? ... that the Byzantine Empire is pretty much the same as the Roman Empire, only not as cool? More wisdom
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Party members of the month Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome! So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore. Let us all clap for him because I said so. Do not pull your pants up just yet. We got a Uncyclopedian of the Month award winner up in here! Give it up for Leverage! Since there is no winner for the Noob of the Moment, you are all now noobs. There are a couple of long-running nominations, but they are stuck there, like foetuses in suspended animation, and I fear for their souls. Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Moment | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners You now only have 3, god dammit, 3 days to nominate and vote for Writer of the Month, Noob of the Month and Uncyclopedian of the Month! Get voting!

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