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Today's featured article CLEVELAND, OHIO -- Scientists at the The Mayo Clinic came to the conclusion that old people are more likely to die after the recent death of Bertha Madeline "Bobcat" Swanson, master gardener, beloved grandmother, and certified old person. The study began three years ago, when five old people died at The Shadyside old folks home within the same week. At that point, The Mayo Clinic dropped their study on a miracle cure for cancer, and began a study on the elderly. "We were all so occupied with this old folks study, everything else seemed unimportant," said Lisa Garber, head of research Tuesday, "When I was at home, all I could think about was getting back to the lab and working. Now that it's all over, I don't know what I'll do. Maybe go home, take a nap, cry into a quart of ice cream... Er... I mean... Eat a nice dinner... Yeah, that's what I meant... Anyway, this was probably our biggest breakthrough since we figured out that bears actually do shit in the woods (who knew?), so I guess I can be happy about that. Although in hindsight, throwing a party might not have been the best thing to do, seeing as there was a death and all..." The study in question consisted of the "old group" and three control groups (toddlers, young adults, and middle aged). The toddlers have yet to die, but the last person in the middle aged group was killed four days after Bertha, in a midlife crisis. When asked to comment, Lisa Garber merely said, "Let's just say his parachute had a hole in it..." Additionally, the last person in the young adult group, Jonathan White, nearly died after a head injury. However, after being admitted to the hospital, he did die of an accidental morphine overdose. One of our reporters was there, but was unfortunately out of the room at the time of death. The shady man standing next to Jonathan's body refused to comment. (Full article...) You can vote for your favorite articles to be featured. More of the best of Uncyclopedia Download article feed plugin for Google Desktop Selected anniversaries May 20: Visions of the Virgin Mary Day (South America).
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Word of the day[edit | edit source]Try to use it in conversation. Knowledge is powerful. In the news
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Writer and Noob of the Month Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome! So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore. Let us all clap for him because I said so.
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