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Jesus of Nazareth. Many of you know me and the deeds I did. I was born to a virgin, am the Son of God, died for your sins, and rose from the dead. Everyone knows my story, and who I am. But do you really? So much of my life has been just plain mistranslated, and gotten wrong. Raised Lazarus from the dead... Please! Why would I want zombie boy walking around when he didn't like me tapping his sister in the first place? In all honesty I was happy to see him gone. Or at least I would have been. It seems that Lazarus wasn't really dead in the first place. He had a peanut allergy and didn't know it. Ate one or two too many nuts one night, and went into anaphylactic shock, and then a coma. Trust me, I was just as surprised as anyone to see him up and walking around when I showed up. And I had to pretend I was HAPPY to see him too. Man, it isn't easy being me sometimes. I know it has been a while since I was alive, but so many people have the wrong impression of how my life went, I have to set the record straight somehow. With this autobiography, I hope to tell everyone what, truly, is what. (Full article...) Recently featured: Metalheads 9-11 Shoutbox Clairvoyance among dinosaurs Archive · Vote for featured articles · You can vote for your favorite articles to be featured. More of the best of Uncyclopedia Download article feed plugin for Google Desktop edit Selected anniversaries July 3: International Hot Pocket Day 1775 – In the American Revolutionary War, George Washington goes to Cambridge, Massachusetts and takes command of the Continental Army, known for their delicious breakfasts. 1776 – The Declaration of Independence is peer reviewed. 1870 – Oscar Wilde graduates from Maudlin College, Oxford, with a double-first in Modern Classics and Flower Arranging. 1885 – "He who hath smelt it, dealt it" ruling in federal court sets new legal precedent. 1890 – The moderately severe United States Potato Shortage of the 1880s is resolved when Idaho is accepted as the 43rd U.S. state. 1978 – Conceptual artist Humphrey Crawford exhibits his piece Oil, urine and diesel on canvas (pictured). 1996 – Jeff Goldblum finally begins to figure out how to take down the aliens. 1983 – After a wild night of passion between a Pop Tart and a mediocre plate of Italian food, the Hot Pocket is conceived. Archived Anniversaries	suggest Word of the day procrastination Try to use it in conversation. Knowledge is power. edit In the news The car has been in the works since February/ Clint Eastwood announces plans to live forever Trumpman introduces Trumpmobile (Pictured) Diddy gets off easy, possibly due to bribing jury Musk establishes "Porky Pig Party" to combat Trump's "Big Beautiful Bill" United Nations Secretary General gives up on world peace, World War Three begins Netanyahu and Khamenei get it on Trump joins in for threesome, blows load Khamenei fails to follow up after dirty talk, taps out Elon Musk breaks up with Trump Trump sends condolences to "Sly Stallone" Trump celebrates TACO Wednesday by reversing course on long-held campaign promise THE ROCKIES HAVE WON A SERIES! Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI, Silksong, TAWOG, Stranger Things 5, and Spaceballs 2 • Russian Invasion • Gaza War • Trump and Elon's feud.. make up.. no one knows anymore • Animal-related live-action remakes kicking Snow White's ass • Jaws 50th anniversary • Colorado Rockies game replacing Jaws airing • Israel/Iran "peace talks" • Pittsburgh Steelers adding old players way past their prime Recent deaths: Fear Street: Prom Queen • John Redcorn • Brian Grazer's career and livelihood, and anyone's respect for him • Sly Stallone Stone • Brian Wilson • Ariana Grande's Nonna • Canadian team's bid to win the Stanley Cup, again • PF4Eva's headphone cable • Jimmy Swaggart • Diddy's freedom for only 20 years Upcoming deaths: DEI • Tom Cruise's career of sprinting on-screen • New York Knicks' future success • Pittsburgh Steelers' locker room • Greta Thunberg? • R. Kelly • Iran's nuclear program • Oil prices • Dumbasses with fireworks in their backyards • Diddy's bank account after incoming lawsuits More Current Events at UnNews News edit Did you know... ... that when a suicide bomber dies and goes to paradise, he is given 72 virgins? But all of them are wiki editors? Do you care... ... that Stupendous Tropical Meningitis Vaccination A, the sister drug to Stupendous Tropical Meningitis Vaccination B, is very effective against Stupendous Tropical Meningitis? Read More
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Writer and Noob of the Month Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome! So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore. Let us all clap for him because I said so. Do not pull your pants up just yet. We got a Uncyclopedian of the Month award winner up in here! Give it up for Leverage! Since there is no winner for the Noob of the Moment, you are all now noobs. There are a couple of long-running nominations, but they are stuck there, like foetuses in suspended animation, and I fear for their souls. Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Moment | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners

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