Babel:Fp

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Just when you thought hospital food couldn't get worse...
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They tell you Mother Earth is special. They tell you she's the only planet known to support life, that we're alone, in the vast, indifferent oblivion that they dare call the cosmos, that all those expensive probes and rovers they keep thrusting towards Jupiter's moons are "just for research", that there's nothing lurking beneath the icy crust of Europa except a whole lot o' frozen nothing except for maybe some very chill saltwater.

Ah, but you see, my companion – it's all a ruse. A lie. A terminological inexactitude, even.

"Earth is the only planet to inhabit life"; why, that's what the feds at NASA want you to think. But they're lying. They're always lying. They lied about Area 51. They lied about Pluto. They lied about Santa Claus. They lied about the authenticity of the Moon landing.(Full article...)

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Selected anniversaries

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August 18: Everybody Run From the Godzilla Attack Day

  • 644 - A prodigous comet appears in the sky, in the shape of a rock. The rock magically flies through the sky, before it lands in ancient Greece and kills a busload of time-travelling nuns.
  • 1868 - French astronomer Pierre Jules César Janssen discovers helium. Initially, he had a difficult time explaining the gas producing process without evoking gales of laughter.
  • 1969 - Godzilla tries to attack France, but has to stop in Tokyo to ask for directions.
  • 1989 - The Who, working in conjunction with Godzilla, trash several hotel rooms in Wales and Scotland. The Isle of Man is never seen again.
  • 1990 - Godzilla attacks Paris, humping the Eiffel Tower twice before being driven back into the sea.
  • 1991 - Godzilla attacks Paris again, this time bringing flowers. The Parisians surrender to his radioactive charm, and an evening of bliss is had by all.
  • 1992 - Godzilla once again attacks Paris, leaving fifty-three successive messages on the answering machine of the Ile de Cite, each one more angry and irrational than the last. Paris gets a restraining order. In a blind, drunken confusion, Godzilla attacks a department store in Rome. Mothra and Mechagodzilla are called to drive the heartbroken beast home.
  • 1993 - Princess Diana pre-died.
  • 1999 - Cape Breton declares an open nuclear war on the Y2K bug subsequently pounding it into oblivion. Eminent scientists have confirmed this fact as the reason why much speculation about the threat of Y2K was ultimately unfounded.
  • 2006 - Way more people die than usual.
  • 2007 - The Canso Causeway, forever asserting the will of mainland Nova Scotia against Cape Breton, is melted in my microwave.
  • 2010 - Godzilla sends a passive-aggressive text message to Paris, asking if it wants its copy of High Fidelity back or if he should just throw it away.
  • 2010 - 1:24pm, Josh "I'm full."


Archived Anniversaries

Word of the day

procrastination
Try to use it in conversation.
Knowledge is power.

In the news


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Trump pictured holding up his project in front of his friends. They're all delighted.

Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI, Silksong, TAWOG, Stranger Things 5, and Spaceballs 2 • Russian InvasionGaza WarTrump and Elon's feud.. make up.. no one knows anymore • Superman and Super Dog's movie doing surprisingly well • Israel/Iran and Russia/Ukraine "peace talks" • Pittsburgh Steelers adding old players way past their prime • Rock drummer exodus (not to be confused with Tom Hunting or Zbigniew Fyk)

Recent deaths: Bill Cosby's TV sonOzzy OsbourneChuck MangioneHulk HoganResident AlienDown syndromeTom LehrerThe systemFUBARCartoon Network/Adult Swim/Toonami on Comcast's basic cable package • Sydney Sweeney's new movie • Terence Stamp

Upcoming deaths: DEIPittsburgh Steelers' locker room • R. Kelly • Iran's nuclear program • Oil prices • Diddy's bank account after incoming lawsuits • The asshats who spoiled Squid GameMAGAJoe Biden's credibility • The flowers you bring Alan Bergman • Bryan Kohberger, at the hands of his fellow inmates • Comcast


More Current Events at UnNews News


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  • ... that the dolphin is the only animal other than man that laughs at its own farts?


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Writer and Noob of the Month

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Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome!

So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore.

Let us all clap for him because I said so.


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Do not pull your pants up just yet. We got a Uncyclopedian of the Month award winner up in here! Give it up for Leverage!


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Since there is no winner for the Noob of the Moment, you are all now noobs. There are a couple of long-running nominations, but they are stuck there, like foetuses in suspended animation, and I fear for their souls.


Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Moment | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners


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