BTEC

Looking for a career in computers? Anyone can take advantage of BTEC extensive range of courses. BTEC take pride in promoting their courses for all abilities.

WHY DID I NOT TAKE HAIRDRESSING? This student perfectly demonstrates the realistic approach whilst studying his selected course - BTEC National Diploma in IT

The perils of Wikipedia's '3R rule'! This student was yet to cover the 'Shafting the Administrators' section on his BTEC National Diploma.

“ My BTEC in Advanced Bread Making Techniques has enabled me to pursue my lifelong career goal, working the nightshift in a morgue. I can't thank you enough BTEC! ”

A BTEC is an acronym, meaning 'Basic Time Elimination Course', and is generally viewed as an ideal course for someone looking to waste time. This course almost always results in getting nothing done. Lecturers are chosen at random, mostly for their skills in wardrobe malfunction, unique perspectives on personal hygiene, STEALING YOUR MONEY, and skillsets with no link to the course curriculum.

The BTEC is aimed primarily at single males who are trapped in jobs within higher education (HE) or the IT industry.

They have recently been changed by 1000% to include exams and assignments which becomes ridiculously difficult to balance. They have aspects harder than A levels; which students claim are far too stressful compared to BTEC.

BTEC Students don't tend to get praise for the harder work (unless being sent to the front of the queue for lunch in the college canteen?).

Example: BTEC National Diploma in Applied Science (Laboratory and Industrial Science)

“Today we are going to sit in front of the computers and complete the intellectually stimulating task of writing a CV. You are here to do two years of this shit just to get the piece of paper that will enable you to get a slightly better job than you would get with your terrible GCSEs. Now get to the computer and tell me what a Job Description is!”

– Miss Teacher

Course Units include:

• Unit 3 : Learning the lyrics to every song on your iPod
• Unit 5 : Fuck The Police
• Unit 1 : Spelling your name
• Unit 2 : Getting lectured to death
• Unit 2 : Writing a header
• Unit 4 : Using spellchecker on MS Word
• Unit 90 : Watching the clock
• Unit 77 : Coming up with conspiracy theories
• Unit 6 : Hating your life
• Unit 893 : Writing a CV
• Unit 52 : Having just three lessons
• Unit 734 : Messing about on computers
• Unit 32 : Your arse and your elbow
• Unit 14 : How not to fall off a chair
• Unit 51 : Business Applications of Social Media

Typical BTEC study methodology

Warnings / tips

• Do not have nightmares of getting hit by the teacher when you get the bus home;
• Do not become emotionally unstable;
• You will become more mature towards the end of the course;
• Bring a rag face covering to cover the mouth and nose in the event of a global pandemic.

Results gained even if student does not pass

• Justified hatred of the Government;
• The key to the City;
• Complete understanding of a point in history, for example: Vikings or Nazis;
• Complete understanding of sharks;
• Will have watched every single fucking video on YouTube;
• Gained the equivalent of a Masters Degree in procrastination;
• Start changing every last fucking word to the latin translation;
• Sudden urges to fuck every woman they can see under the age of 65.

Validated BTEC course student feedback

• IT IS SHIT - BARNES
• GETTN DROPPED NEXT WEEK - POLDAZZ
• CHEERS FOR GETTN ME NO WHERE - LIL AZZ.
• SO FUCKING BORING THAT I HAD TO DROP OUT. - KIKO4564

Complete list of BTEC courses and qualifications

BTEC continue to be trailblazers in the field of specialist advanced learning qualifications, including the following

NVQ Level 2 - Introductory Certificates

• BTEC Introductory Certificate in "Do you want fries with that?"
• BTEC Introductory Certificate in "Do you want go large for an extra 30 pence, or super-size for 50 pence?"
• BTEC Introductory Certificate in applied cheese
• BTEC Introductory Certificate in applied physics in the world of Dead or Alive
• BTEC Introductory Certificate in general science in the world of Dead or Alive
• BTEC Introductory Certificate in umpiring cricket matches
• BTEC Introductory Certificate in taking sweeties from strangers (Sub-level A: infant school children, Sub-level B: high school children)

NVQ Level 3 - National Diplomas

• BTEC National Diploma in making an I.T. BTEC as unrelated to computers as possible
• BTEC National Diploma in Smoking Cigarettes (Sub-level A: roll-ups, Sub-level B: commercial plain package deciphering)
• BTEC National Diploma in covering as much content on computers until you die
• BTEC National Diploma in Having Exam and huge content small number of Assignments Stress
• BTEC National Diploma in lobbing shit at the walls
• BTEC National Diploma in throw the Magnum to my head
• BTEC National Diploma in dealing illicit drugs (Sub-level A: weed, uppers, and downers, Sub-level B: cocaine, heroin, crack)
• BTEC National Diploma in slit my wrists and end this bullshit
• BTEC National Diploma in Death By Choice
• BTEC National Diploma in updating this page
• BTEC National Diploma in getting around the block sites in college
• BTEC National Diploma in telling dip-shits around you what the teacher just fucking said
• BTEC National Diploma in working out how many years older your teacher is than you (min: 3 years, max: 5)
• BTEC National Diploma in reading about history and how you can turn evil as well
• BTEC National Diploma in working out if "Am I depressed?"
• BTEC National Diploma in Plotting Murder
• BTEC National Diploma in MSN
• BTEC National Diploma in planning your own suicide (mocp) (posthumous awards available by discretion of course leader)
• BTEC National Diploma in looking at the clock until you finish
• BTEC National Diploma in Common sense (commonly known as a BTEC National Diploma in Business Studies)
• BTEC National Diploma in solving Wikistress
• BTEC National Diploma in finding new ways to vandalise Wikipedia
• BTEC National Diploma in EMA farming - arable, and animal buggery husbandry
• BTEC National Diploma in annoying Cthulhu (Underwater curricula - survival is optional)
• BTEC National Diploma in avoiding graham (Demonic curricula)
• BTEC National Diploma in watching hunter-x-hunter
• BTEC National Diploma in how not to keep track of important government discs containing lots of benefiting public documents (MI5 and GCHQ special accreditation)
• BTEC National Diploma in wanting to die when Ian talks about wires for two hours - TWO FUCKING HOURS
• BTEC National Diploma in wanting to die when Khalil talks about networks for TWO FUCKING HOURS without making ANY FUCKING SENSE
• BTEC National Diploma in wanting to die when Jenny tells you another story about her husband/daughter for TWO FUCKING HOURS
• BTEC National Diploma in drooling all over the fucking keyboard and hanging around with them folks that don't like us

NVQ Level 4 - Advanced / Higher Diplomas

• BTEC Advanced / Higher Diploma in supporting students with dylsexia
• BTEC Advanced / Higher Diploma in Crime
• BTEC Advanced / Higher Diploma (foundation degree) in speaking Bloody Australian
• BTEC Advanced / Higher Diploma (foundation degree) in drawing with crayons
• BTEC Advanced / Higher Diploma (foundation degree) in Autistic Spectrum Disorder (ASD)

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