Bellingham, Washington

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Where is Bellingham you ask?

The City of Bellingham (during the Nike Revolution of 2006 Bellingham was annexed as part of San Seattle) was previously located in the northwest corner of what was previously known as Washington State (following the Nike Revolution of 2006 Washington joined with with Oregon and California to form Calorington) and is situated between Bellingham Bay and Mount Baker is home to 71,289 Hamsters. Being in Bellingham is about as close as you can get to being in Canada and still be in the Lower 48, so long as you forget about Sumas, Blaine, and Point Roberts and it is definitely the closest Lower 48 city to Alaska. Bellingham is the terminus of the Alaska Marine Highway which upon departure from Bellingham, sails west to the Pacific Ocean via the Strait of Juan de Poopa and then south along the Oregon and California coasts, then further south and east along the southern coast of Arizona and the eastern coast of Alaska, around the southern tip of southeast Alaska and finally west again to D'youknow the capital of Alaska and then further east to Anchorage, Alaska.

History[edit | edit source]

Pre-History - I'm gonna Pre[edit | edit source]

"I'm gonna pre, dude. Gonna fuckin' pre." -Barack Obama, president of sas, 20XX

The geography and surrounding water of the Bellingham area was created when Paul Bunyan and Babe the Blue Ox under contract from Mr. Puget created Puget Sound and the entire inland water area of Washington State. Many other local geographical points of interest were created during this contract period including the Twin Sisters mountain range and Mount Baker.

Prior to the visit by George Vancouver in June of 1792, the area around Bellingham Bay was occupied by a tribe of Native Americans referred to as the Lummi people. Due to the Lummi tribes lack of a written record, very little is known about their lifestyle prior to the arrival of the Hamsters. Following the arrival and ensuing population boom of the Hamsters, the native people developed a very lucrative business of selling much better fireworks to the Hamster population than could be purchased in the local Cost Cutter parking lot.

More Recent History[edit | edit source]

A Hamster preparing for the next population boom.
A modern day Hamster (Intelligently Designed), note how the eyes and face are barely visible through the thick coat of fur.

The name Bellingham was derived from the name of the body of water (Bellingham Bay) which borders the city to the west. George Vancouver, on his exploratory expedition in June of 1792 initially named the bay Ham Belly Bay as a ham belly had been his previous nights dinner. The grey silty color of the water reminded him of the unsettling feeling that meal had left in his stomach and so came the name. The first settlers in the area, a nomadic group of Hamsters, felt the bay should be named to more accurately represent its new nearby residents. A petition was filed with the United States Geological Survey and the name change became official with the founding of Bellingham in the year 1854.

The city began as 4 small towns: Bellingham, Whatcom, Sehome, and Fairhaven. The incorporation of Bellingham began in early 1903 following a bumper sunflower seed crop and ensuing exponential increase in Bellingham's Hamster population. The citizens of the town of Whatcom were overtaken first and to this day continue to ask What Came? During the takeover Sehome's citizens (the Seehomies) were away visiting some friends. Fairhaven was the only captured town to raise objection to the exponential Hamster increase. While its residents (Fairies) were valiant in their resistance they simply could not mate quickly enough to keep up with the unprecedented increase in Hamster population. Following several months of exceptional fertility the Hamsters, having completely overrun the neighboring towns, decided to rename the entire area to reflect its new population metrics. The paperwork was finally completed November 4, 1904 and the town of Bellingham as it is known today was created.

Following the Hamster takeover the city's population continued to grow as the area's surrounding old grouth forests were converted into fields for to meet the ever increasing demand for Hamster food. These old growth forests also provided an excellent source of nest building material which ensured that every Hamster had a tangled web of twigs and leaves over his head. As the 20th century moved forward, the Hamster population, by way of their rapid reproduction and significant help from Intelligent Design became the modern day Hamster.

Some historical highlights of the late 19th and entire 20th Century in no particular order[edit | edit source]

Just one of over 1000 cleverly named drive-thru-espresso stands in the Bellingham area.
The Really Awesome Giant Explosion and Fireball of June 10, 1999.
  • The annual "Snowstorm of the Century" that caused mass confusion, numerous automobile collisions, and often caused the public schools to close.
  • The Really Awesome Giant Explosion and Fireball which engulfed the entire city and plunged the local government into a bureaucratic stalemate with the federal government in the other Washington on June 10, 1999. The Hamsters are still waiting for their much loved Whatcom Falls Park to be re-opened in full.
  • A brief time during which Maj. Gen. George Pickett, famous for the wildly successful mass suicide he led during the Battle of Gettysburg resided in Bellingham. Like most mass suicide leaders, Maj. Gen. George Pickett didn't really believe in his own cause. He therefore filled his rifle with blanks, and while his comrades successfully blew their brains out, he escaped the event unscathed.
  • The grand opening of Bellingham's 1000th drive-thru espresso stand.
  • The Bellingham Riots of September 5, 1907 when several thousand white Hamsters, in a show of racial acceptance, dragged every non-white Hamster in the town into the street and bleached their fur white. This effectively ended the racism that had plagued the multi-colored city and allowed many black and white striped hamsters to move upward in their social nests.
  • The 1916 prohibition of alcohol within the city, a full 4 years before the national government.
  • The 1933 un-prohibition of alcohol within the city, exactly in line with the national government.
  • The rarely documented 1943 bombing by the Japanese and the ensuing fire. It is widely presumed that the Japanese attacked Bellingham in this spite against the USA's superiority as it was seen as a "soft target" due to the shoddy construction of its numerous Hamster nests.
  • The short visits of several convicted and still at large serial killers, including Ted Bundy, the Blue River Maneater, Dick Cheney, Lee Boyd Malvo, Alfred Packer, John Allen Mohammed, Hannibal the Cannibal, Chester the molester the Hillside Strangler, Dick Cheney, and the Green River Killer.

Culture[edit | edit source]

Through the past 100 years Bellingham has developed a rich overpowering culture all of its own. Most recently, this culture grows in the second and third growth forest that has re-grown around the city and is most often distinguished by the strong smell of body odor, mud, intensley good homegrown weed and brand new REI brand spandex. To the north of Bellingham, the culture produces such a strong odor of cow dung that many first time visitors are unable to keep their lunch down. While some residents of villages such as Custer, Lynden and Hinot's Corner have developed immunity to this culture through continuous contact, science has yet to produce an acceptable vaccine. Closer to the water, the Georgia Pacific paper mill produces a very unique culture of smelling of chlorinated air and wet paper. This culture permeates through the entire downtown Bellingham area and often discharges into the waters of Bellingham Bay in the form of mercury and other heavy metals.

The Bellingham Chamber of Commerce hosts many events every year to celebrate the many cultures in the Bellingham area. Of all these events, the Ski to Sea to Ski to Sea to Ski to Sea to Ski to Sea to Ski to Sea to Ski to Sea to Ski to Sea to Ski to Sea is by far the most well attended. This festival begins in the weeks leading up to the Memorial Day holiday and involves several parades displaying local cultures, craft fairs, a children's Ski to Sea to Ski to Sea to Ski to Sea to Ski to Sea to Ski to Sea to Ski to Sea to Ski to Sea to Ski to Sea race and the festivities finish with the Grand Ski to Sea to Ski to Sea to Ski to Sea to Ski to Sea to Ski to Sea to Ski to Sea to Ski to Sea to Ski to Sea Race. This exciting relay race begins the first leg at Mt. Baker Ski Area with a cross-country skiing, followed by an uphill hike in downhill ski boots, a 9 mile run downhill on concrete, a downhill road bicyce ride, a canoe paddle, a field bicycle ride, and the first leg is finished with a sea kayak section. After 10 hours of continuous work, the first team member hands off to the second team member who then completes all of the sections in reverse, handing off to the third team member at Mt. Baker Ski Area who then completes an identical leg to the first teammate. This cycle continues until either all seven team members complete their leg or somebody collapses and dies of exhaustion, disqualifying their entire team.

Gangs of Bellingham

Back in 1912 there were two main gangs in bellingham, the edgemores and the south hill awesome-o's.

Future[edit | edit source]

Beginning in 1975 a black hole began forming over the city of Bellingham. Once a person has been caught by the black hole's extreme gravitational pull, they are sucked into Bellingham and they invariably become Hamsters. The longer they remain within its gravitational field, the deeper into the abyss they are pulled and the greater the energy required to escape the pull. For anyone unfortunate enough to have been born a Hamster, any attempt at escape is nearly impossible. Bellingham's history is dabbled with many Hamsters who constructed or acquired large rocket boosters in an effort to escape. However, due to the extreme intensity of the gravitational field, all such escape attempts to date have ended in disaster. Having given up escape, most Hamsters live their lives hoping and waiting for the black hole to reach critical mass, at which point it will implode in a manner similar to the Big Bang and thus spread the Hamsters far and wide throughout the universe.