Onslow College

Onslow College is situated along the side of a Hill in located in Johnsonville, a suburb of Wellington, New Zealand. This Hill (the same hill that Bilbo Baggins of Bag End lived in) happens to be a raised mound of dirt, earthworms, rubbish, mud, earthworms, grass, bushes, earthworms, trees, the remains of a pair of purplish-green underwear, and earthworms. The hangar opened in 1956 to serve the city's rapidly-growing slums. The current PE teacher is Mr. Peter Leggat. We don't really need a principal when we have a PE teacher, right?

The Onslow Way

The Onslow Way is one attribute of the College that gives it dullness. No one quite knows what the Onslow Way is, although there is a suspicion that the long-held mating rituals of the Peer Mediatiors may well be the mysterious one and only Onslow Way. This is a positive to the students' attitudes, both during and after their school years. The students show a fresh and open attitude with an openly accepting mentality to accepting new and creative ideas, as well as openly accepting new students from other schools, years and countries. The "Onslow Way" also differentiates Onslow College from other schools in that the college does not have Prefects, Head Boys or Girls or College Cathouses.

To replace the 'sexuality void' left by lack of a Prefect system, Onslow College has championed the aforementioned 'Peer Mediation' system, where trained students seem to talk to their peers about incidents that have occurred at school while really actually fingering the peers' secret places that has never seen the light of the sun, such as the tip of one's sneakers, the Black Hole that all students carry in the right front pockets of their multicoloured, strictly unmonitored uniforms (see "Uniform Policy"), the vaginal openings, and the bases of the scrotums. And the earthworms. This allows students to feel more comfortable while discussing these issues, without fear of rape which invariably occurs in a staff members presence.

Students also sit on cats for hilarious noises, painful arses, and many other reasons.

Uniform Policy

Onslow College's Uniform Policy does not make sense. Is the word "uniform" not mean "the same at all times"? Well. Nuff said.

Prefect System

Onslow College has no Prefect System as well as no Head Boy or Head Girl as it was seen as anti-demonic. Obviously we cannot dis demons, can we, being located in an "accept every race" country, (New Zealand). Onslow College, however, does have a Perfect System, which is run by Imperfect people, much like Communist governments are run by anti-Communist people.