Arizona State University
| Arizona State University | |
|---|---|
 ASU's true logo | |
| Motto | "Morbus sexualiter transmissus in die medicum arcet" ("An STD a day keeps the doctor away") |
| Established | March 12, 1885 |
| School type | Hypersexual den of evil |
| Head | Lots! Given freely |
| Location | Tempe, LA, DC, bat fuck nowhere, Arizona, U.S.A. |
| Campus | All over the fucking place |
| Enrollment | 5,000,000 people, 5,000 STDs 5,000 people, 50,000,000 STDs |
| Endowment | Some undergrads are well endowed, others not so much |
| Faculty | A bunch |
| Mascot | Stewie the STD (current) |
“OMG! I'm so sorry babe! I slept in this morning!”
– Your long-distance girlfriend on ASU
“Hey Siri, find the nearest gym to me... *sob*”
– You on coping with this news
Arizona State University, or more commonly known as STD University, STDU, or even ASU, is a gigantic heap of degeneracy consisting of white women and a few gay dudes that spread like a virus over the city of Tempe, Arizona, and several states in the US. Founded way back when people saw in black and white, ASU was originally called the "Territorial Normal School" in an attempt to sound like a normal place to send your kids to. Unbeknownst to most parents, ASU is classified among the "D1: Dick-toral Universities - Very High Sexual Activity." ASU has over 5,000,000 students enrolled across its 400 million of so campuses and congregations, and offers a multitude of majors and minors, as well as doctorates and master-bates. ASU claims to be ranked highly in such leagues as the NCAA, but has yet to appear on any leaderboard except that of "Jerkmate Ranked". ASU's long-term goal is to create a population of people who are impervious to STDs, but unfortunately, their own student body and their arch nemesis, UC Berkeley, continue to create and trade "new and improved" STDs on the daily such as Super-AIDS, Ultra-HIV, and HIV-AIDS. As of February 2026, ASU has a bunch of faculty, a couple campuses, some fellows, a couple of goobers, and a whole lot of new, old, and undocumented STDs.
Main locations[edit | edit source]
ASU, being a Jewish founded and ran university, had a nearly infinite money supply to burn through. So, in order to make good use of said money, ASU higher ups decided that ASU would split into a bunch of little satellite colleges and campuses in order to attract more gullible young women to their house of debauchery. Locations include Washington DC, Los Angeles, and Hawaii, all places known for their already promiscuous, idiotic, blonde, and white women.
Tempe campus[edit | edit source]
The main campus at Tempe is supposedly dedicated to research, however the only research that gets done is the research on each other's bodies done by the undergrad population. The Tempe location is smack in the center of Tempe, and comprises about 99% of the entire city, the only exception being a local Walmart. Not much can be said about the town, as it is 120 degrees year round, full of hippies, crack addicts, and college students who haven't graduated after 12 years of college. Requirements to exist in this locale are: white skin (with a spray tan!), blond or brunette hair, and at least 15 bodies.
West Valley campus[edit | edit source]
West Valley is the place where all the "beta" majors go to live and die. West Valley holds the business school, where students are taught how to stuff calculators up their butts to cheat on tests, and the arts department, where students are taught how to eat crayons, and which pencils are best for sounding. West Valley is located close to Phoenix, Arizona, named so due to its nonstop ability to catch on fire, burn down, and somehow still exist. Oh, there's also a nursing school here, where the worst of the worst white women live. Even getting close to one is risky due to the airborne STD clouds that hover around them. Don't say I didn't warn you!
Polyteknik campus[edit | edit source]
Once called ASU East, "University Arizona der Polytekniko" (usually shortened to Polyteknik), was seized by the Soviets in a surprise coup in 1996 and renamed. Polyteknik does not really have any technical anything, and simply serves as another bloated institution for churning out lame majors like agricultural business people, engineers, pornographologists, and social justice majors/warriors. Polyteknik is located in Mesa, which is a town in Arizona known for being one of those places you stop to get gas before going somewhere else. The only thing it is close to is an Air Force base, which it frequently clashes with. The latest fight between the two ended with the entire indoor laboratory getting bombed by the Air Force, after the ASU students had attempted to steal a fighter jet and crashed it into the ATC tower.
Downtown Phoenix campus[edit | edit source]
Apparently having another campus close to Phoenix wasn't good enough, so ASU plopped down some moneybags on the mayor's desk, and began construction on some buildings right in the center of Phoenix. "DPC" as it is known, is a collection of high rises and office buildings, as well as a really old and crusty looking post office. DPC houses another college of nursing, which you guessed it, means DPC is another hot spot for airborne STDs. Here also is the much famed Wally Cronky School of Journalism, where eager young idiots are taught all about yellow journalism and how the "worst in life makes the best news." Most recently, the ASU law college uprooted itself from the Tempe campus and came waddling into the DPC, causing havoc in the ranks, and killing an estimate 50 students via accidental HIV inhalation during the move-in week.
ASU Online[edit | edit source]
While note truly a place, ASU claims that the internet is another one of their "locations." ASU online is known for its frequent internet crashes, its inability to teach anything above the kindergarten level, and for essentially being a $120,000, four year, naptime program. Nobody significant has gone here, and nobody will.
Other facilities[edit | edit source]
Mayonnaise Facility[edit | edit source]
Some time ago, the prestigious Mayo Clinic reached out to ASU. They had heard of the ASU student body's ability to make a creamy white substance in huge quantities, and wanted in on that delicious free mayo. So in 2016, a partnership was achieved wherein ASU students would work and live at any one of the Mayo Clinics, and produce their personal mayonnaise for distribution by the "Mayo Masters" of the Mayo Clinic. Students can earn a degree in mayology or pre-natal dorm-birth delivery here, with the option to get a masters, (a Master-batorium of the Mayolos), all of which lead to highly respected careers in the ASU community.
Brett and Donkey O'Konger Washington Center[edit | edit source]
Turns out having a place in the capitol city of the US would be a huge win for the greedy board of trustees at ASU, so after some haggling, they forked over some cash to the goblin mayor of DC in order to get a facility air dropped there. Called the "Brett and D. O'Konger Washington Center", or the "Diddy O'Kong" for short, it houses half of ASU's DC programs, including "Baby's First Month on the Hill," which introduces students to the drama clubs that are the House of Representatives and the Senate, and the most popular one, "Under the Desk: A Presidential Experience," which allows students to role play as president Clinton, complete with a real life blowjob. The O'Konger Center is located very close to the White House, enabling its students to easily access it after hours for clandestine hookups.
Arizona State University in California[edit | edit source]
Realizing that they were still behind UC Berkeley in STD rates, the board decided they had to do something about that, so implanted a second facility inside California to more rapidly breed new STD strains. ASU moved into town, and after a fierce knife battle between their students and the students of the local Institute of Fashion and Design, they ceremoniously beheaded its president and all the faculty, had relations with the corpses, and moved into their now vacant campus. Now called the California College of ASU, it houses all the dweebs and dorks who think they can make a name for themselves by designing dresses that look like garbage bags, hats that look like penises, and general wear that looks more like there's nothing being worn at all. CC ASU frequently does battle with UC Berkeley, with total casualties equaling about 3,000 in the last 5 years. An estimated 60% of those deaths were from students getting to close to each other and spreading their HIV and other STDs. ASU's plan of being invincible to all STDs was failing, due to UC Berkeley inventing STDs just as fast as the student body of ASU could assimilate them.
ASU Colleges at Lake Hav-a-suck City[edit | edit source]
The last, and definitely least of the ASU facilities, is the ASU College of Lake Hav-a-suck. ASU CLH is the "version" of ASU where all the poor and non-white people were allowed to go. Unfortunately, due to all the money being stolen and most of the loans being backed by EBT, the college went totally underwater in 2025 and was closed down permanently.
Rankings[edit | edit source]
ASU is 2nd place behind UC Berkeley for STD rates, 117th in "Best Colleges in America," and 1,920,188 globally. ASU is regularly understood to be a favorite among incoming college students, but not for any academic reasons. Winning awards such as "Jerkmate Platinum: Ultra Gooner Award," and "Fucktopia USA 2017," ASU is extremely popular among the youth and the uncouth, all eager to put cylinders into holes.
ASU's Wally Cronky School brand in DC won some awards such as "Yellowest Journalism of the Century" and "Most Likely to Call Your Grandmother's Death a Big Win."
That's about it for the rankings, for all its talk and boasting, ASU fails to reach anything beyond mediocrity.
Traditions[edit | edit source]
Red and gold[edit | edit source]
Due in part to their Jewish heritage, gold plays a large part in the existence of ASU. As does red apparently, which in no way is meant to represent blood on said gold, or a blood libel. Certainly not! According to the ASU website, gold is meant to represent the zzzzzzzzzzz... HUH? Oh, originally, their sports teams wore black and white uniforms when they were called the Normal School, in an attempt to look normal. It wasn't long before everyone got bored and they gave up, and in the words of head coach Bill Pussyman: "Fuck it, bring out the gold." The red color supposedly represents bravery and sacrifice, which is evidenced by the board of directors choosing an unlucky under-performing student to sacrifice to the Arizona State gods before each basketball game.
Mascot and Spirit Squad[edit | edit source]
Stewie the STD is somewhat of a more recent addition to the roster of mascots that ASU has had. In the past, they had Bojangles the Bingus, Burny the Sun, Sparky the Spark, and Sporky the Spork, all of which barely lasted more than a semester each before their actors were caught, stuffed in the suits, killed, and then burned to ash. Stewie is what looks like a giant virus, and was mistaken as COVID-19 once and beaten almost to death, before being rescued by rabid fans. The rabid fans then, of course, finished off the injured Stewie by tearing him in half and spilling his internals all across campus, chanting things like "Hey! Hey! A-S-U! Who are we? We are YOU!" The Stewie outfit was stitched back together, but the mascot hasn't been quite the same ever since the violent assault and murder.
The college's "logo" of sorts is not, in fact, a sun, but instead a sort of pitchfork. Or so they'd like you to believe! In reality, what appears to be a pitchfork or trident is nothing more than a hand giving a big "fuck you" to everyone else. ASU has a "special" hand gesture they call "the pitchfork" which is literally just the middle finger extended, with the index and ring finger out to the sides as far as you can push them, making a trident shape with their fingers. Also enabling them to say "fuck you" without getting in trouble.
"Ass" Mountain[edit | edit source]
Since 1918, the letters A, S, and S have been inscribed on a mountain overlooking ASU Tempe. The entire mountain was blown apart by students with pipe bombs after they managed to graduate with their virginity intact, which broke the promise of their college recruiter who had told them they should expect "a babe per night, maybe two even." The mountain was rebuilt out of concrete and steel, ensuring nothing short of a real bomb would destroy it. Unfortunately, a military exercise nearby accidentally caused a plane to jettison its cargo of 50 bombs and 500 bomblets onto the ASS mountain, completely obliterating it. It was only in the last few years that ASU managed to piece together the mountain, piling a dirt hill high into the clouds. They then painted a huge "ASS" (it was supposed to read "ASU" but there are no Spelling or English majors at ASU) on top. The rain washes it away every few months, forcing the student body to slave away for days repainting it white, red, or gold, depending on how the ASU hierarchy are feeling that day.
The Curtain of Distraction[edit | edit source]
The Curtain of Distraction is a tradition that appears at every men's and women's basketball game. Essentially, there is a large curtain that is placed right onto the court during basketball games, and then students try to distract whoever is playing basketball with stupid antics. Antics include flashing people with boobs, smoking weed, making rude noises, saying "FUCK!" really loudly, and farting as hard as possible. The only time it ever worked was when Michael Phelps appeared from behind the curtain in a speedo, which promptly got ripped off, exposing his little Michael Phelps for all to see, which magically ended with ASU winning by 3 points. A foul was called, but the officials were too busy staring at the worlds best swimmer's "little swimmer" to pay any attention.
See also[edit | edit source]
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