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This article may be Overly British

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Jolly Olde England
The England Call Centre
England flag large.png Gryffindor.jpg
Flag Coat of Arms
Motto: "Put the kettle on."
Anthem: "Let's Go Fucking Mental!"
Largest cityEoforwic
Official language(s)Scouse
Ald Englisc
GovernmentScottish overclass, English underclass
EldermanThe Queen
National Hero(es)Jack the Ripper, Mr. Bean, Danny Dyer
ReligionCrime, Football
PopulationTotal: 60,000,000
Foreigners: 60,000,000
Racists: 100% and climbing
Chavs: Too many to count
Bloody French: None that live...
Germans: The Monarchy
Area32 Square scones
Major exportsGary Glitter, Airfix's new non-glue/paint start-up civilization models.
Queuing, moaning, prejudgment
Hours of
Ask India. They run the office now

England, also known as The UK, Europe, My City or Great Britain, is not the greater part of Britain and for obvious reasons is usually avoided by the Scottish, Welsh, and Northern Irish. It is the home of football, Monty Python, fish and chips, and Helena Bonham Carter, and is known for being wetter than the Atlantic Ocean. It's also the birthplace of the language you're reading in, which is commonly spoken elsewhere in the UK and pretty much the entire world.

English people are most famous for wearing a suit and tie, a top hat and a monocle, along with a funny curly moustache and poorly looked-after teeth. An attire which is pursued totally regardless of the occasion. This fashion has been popular since the late 1880s, this being one of the reasons Jack the Ripper was so hard to catch.


See History of England for an alternative history.

The British Isles were originally one continuous landmass, when the Irish were discovered a moat was quickly established to separate Britain and Ireland. It proved to be ineffective as after a couple of drinks, the Irish found they could swim. Since then various other methods have been used to disassociate themselves from the Irish, such as devolution. The current strategy is for English people to pretend they like them, in the hope that the Irish will retreat with a nervous smile, saying something like "I just remembered something I have to do". It is, as yet, proving ineffective. After another year of trying, the English plan to be even more forward with the Irish - maybe even putting a hand on their thigh while chatting with the rest of Europe in the pub - in the hopes that Ireland will express its homophobia and finally retreat. It has been acknowledged that this plan could possibly backfire, and that, should Ireland respond positively, England may have to get off with Ireland. The foreign secretary has said that this is a "risk [England is] willing to take". Plans to cut off the Scots and the Welsh have recently been proposed in the Witangemot (the English parliament).

England has been invaded at various points throughout its history. Fortunately, every invader mysteriously became English when they took over, thus leaving England undefeated. This was extremely lucky as in 1066, the bloody French won their first (and last) war against England and a large seed known as William the Cockney took over. He was followed by a long line of foreigners brought over solely to annoy the locals by steadfastly refusing to learn the native tongue of the king. Which was obviously German.

England's history is filled with wars, nearly as many wars in its history as America has had in the last 10 years. England should not be considered to be a war-mongering country. We all know that really it was always someone else's fault. Come on. Those unarmed tribesmen looked at us in a funny way, and anyway if we had not stolen their bananas the French bloody well would have!


A notable attribute of the English is the funny way in which they speak the American language. They seem to omit most of their Rs — unless they are Northern and thus have too many Rs! — and most of their dialect tends to comprise of "Mm, quite!", "Spot on, old chap!", "Ah, jolly good!" or some variant. We have yet to comment on this, though, as we feel that they may be making fun of us, so we usually laugh nervously and look the other way, or change the subject.

The official language of England is still English, although that language has since declined in popularity, and the vast majority of the population now speak Engrish, which is even more unintelligible than its predecessor.


A typical electoral ballot in England.

Every inhabitant of England except for Chavs and foreigners (so not really anyone at all) has tea with the Queen once a day, where they discuss matters of state, such as the price of tea and the empire. The Queen doesn't actually listen to the nasty commoners, instead she just nods and smiles, all the while thinking how ugly poor people look.

There are elections, though it doesn't really matter who you vote as everyone knows the Queen decides anyway. One of her hobbies along with hunting poor defenceless animals like commoners, is making up stupid policies for political parties. She even lets her husband have a go by allowing him a party to suit his moderate tastes: the BNP.

Foreign policy

The English foreign policy is simple. Just do what the Americans do. Like the emotionally damaged mute kid who hangs with the bully so hes safe from the bully

It replaced the previous policy of nabbing land off of uncivilised tribes by use of flags and lent weaponry. Please, refer to the great works of that best dressed and I have to say, well maintained of social commentators, Eddie Izzard for more information

England in the United Kingdom

England holds a role in the United Kingdom as home to the capital city of the multinational state, London. It is the only non-Celtic nation located in the British Isles, with white Englanders historically being descended from European Anglo-Saxons and Normans,[1] leading to the playful nickname for the English from neighbouring Celts as "bastard Norman offspring." Home Nation rivalry[2] in sporting events, particularly football, often takes an anti-English guise for a variety of reasons, the most notable one being that English football supporters are a massive embarrassment, even to the English. Seriously, people say that St. George's cross has been tainted by the far right, but that's nothing compared to what these guys have done with it.

Despite the rivalry, which depending on one's personal views can vary from playful to "get out of my country, English, or I'll wipe the floor with your face ya filthy poncerrrrrgggrgrgrgrgrgrg", England has been united with Wales since 1538, with Scotland since 1707, and with Ireland since 1801, though the majority of the island of Ireland seceded in the 20th century to form the breakaway Republic of Ireland, with Northern Ireland remaining in the Union and ending up as the only country in the UK not on the island of Great Britain.

Naming conventions

"England" is sometimes incorrectly used by some to refer to the United Kingdom or Great Britain, which is analogous to thinking that "Massachusetts", "the United States", and "North America" are interchangeable. England, Scotland, Wales, and Northern Ireland are all individual countries which collectively form the political entity and multinational state the United Kingdom, with none of the member nations holding any superior position over the others. Great Britain is the island on which England, Scotland and Wales (and thus most of the UK) are located. The confusion with naming conventions may have arisen from any of several factors:

  • England is the largest country both on the island of Great Britain and in the entire United Kingdom and contains London, capital city of both England and the UK
  • The primary government buildings of the United Kingdom (the Houses of Parliament, the Home and Foreign Offices) are located in London
  • The first home of the reigning monarch of the UK (currently Queen Elizabeth II) is Buckingham Palace, located in Westminster, London
  • English is the primary language of the United Kingdom
  • The British Empire arose from English colonies

If you are still in doubt as to the status of England within the UK, tell a Scotsman, Welshman, or North Irishman that they're English and see what kind of response you get.


The national currency of England

The currency of England is the Crumpet, with smaller currency being Scones and Biscuits. 8 crumpets are worth around one US dollar, depending on the price of olive oil. Many outspoken Chavs have spoken (well at least tried to) out against the crumpet, since they're not posh enough to use this currency. They'd much rather have beer. The other choice for currency is the pound, which is a beating typically delivered with the hands, feet and teeth. Traditional advocates of the pound suggest that while everyone can be beaten within an inch of their life, not everyone is able to procure a crumpet. Chavs have taken this a step further and just beat you and run off with your stuff.

  • 10 Scones are worth 1 biscuit.
  • 5 Biscuits are worth 1 crumpet.
  • 1 Crumpet is worth...erm, 1 crumpet.

So, if a hot crumpet in Mrs Miggin's Tea-Shop costs 4 crumpets and I have 356 biscuits in my wallet, what day is it in France?


Crime is the UK's second national sport (the first being Football – see ‘religion’)), and this second sport is becoming ever more popular as Big Brother is banning everything from nuclear weapons to spiny plants. Law abiding citizens are left to be escorted while going to the market. This brings great lulz to Amerifags as they are all armed to the teeth, and helping each other out more often than those dirty Somalians kill each other.


Continentals used to refer to England as "Das Land ohne Musik", i.e. "the land without music". This is because its folk music was pretty pisspoor compared to neighbouring Scotland and Ireland, and because its classical music is even more dismal. (That's classical music in the broadest sense.) While France boasts Debussy and Berlioz, Germany has Beethoven and Wagner, Austria has Haydn, Mozart, and Schubert, and Russia has Stravinsky and Prokofiev, Ralph Vaughan Williams and William Walton are considered great classical composers in England.[3] Compare the opening of any Beethoven symphony with any Walton symphony - and try to wade out of the syrup of the latter.

However, England has more than made up for this musical deficiency in other ways. Starting in the 1950s, salty seamen used to bring over American records to England. English musicians became adept at copying American music styles, such as rock'n'roll and blues, and making it their own. They also made it acceptable for white American people to listen to "black" music, and unacceptable for African Americans to continue to play in styles hijacked by honkies. The British Invasion, i.e. The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, Led Zeppelin, Tony Blair, etc. swamped the American cultural scene.

England's literature is much better than its music. It includes Shakespeare. And if you haven't heard of the playwright William Shakespeare, you are probably having this read to you by someone else. Then there's Dickens.

England also came up with the Industrial Revolution, with a little help from Scotland and Wales. This is globally significant.


It is common knowledge that England invented all sports. It is also common knowledge that if the sport turns out to be any good, then England immediately become rubbish at it. England's national sport should not be confused with its religion, football.

On the 27th of June 2010 the English Football Team where eliminated from the South Africa World Cup by their biggest rivals Germany. A topic of large amount of controversy is the Frank Lampard goal which was disallowed by linesman Mauricio Espinosa even though it clearly crossed the goal line. The goal in question would have equalized England to 2-2 therefore resulting in a win.

Mauricio Espinosa is now on MI5's most wanted list and an award of up to 20 crumpets is being offered for information leading to his arrest and consequently to his execution by executive order from the queen.


One or more of the disciples usually misses a penalty, though

England's main religion is that of football. The players are worshipped by Chav kind, who make up about half of the population. Should a match result go badly,then it is a sign that the Gods are displeased. To placate them, the fans often go on drunken rampages and try to beat up as many of the opposite teams fans as possible. The major living spiritual leader is Great High Wizard Beckham. Another well-loved leader is Jesus who played in goal for England's world cup victory of 1966. A very important part of football is money. Money can be used for bribery or buying up all the best players. A cheap player generally costs about about 10 crumpets or £1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000. The money is offered to appease the Gods.

Many foreign countries claim to have beaten England at various football matches, though everyone knows England haven't been beaten once. They have in fact lost thousands of games.


England has a finely trained army or Fyrd (or Feared as most armies fear facing English warriors), who can take on the most powerful enemies, the mighty ANT. Many of the battles throughout England's history consist of a great army of tribesmen armed with very sharp sticks and pieces of fruit. Facing this terrible foe are the completely outnumbered and outgunned English who only have machine guns, artillery and tanks to defend themselves with, yet they can still emerge triumphant.

It is incredibly dangerous to come between an Englishman and his cup of tea. Most of the famous battles throughout recent history have taken place because of this, including the horrific massacre at the Battle of Waterloo where Napoleon was hogging the sugarbowl.


There are many abandoned runaways way out in rural England.

Who in their right mind would want to go on holiday to England? Apparently Danes, Swedes and Norwegians, who loved to visit the English monasteries, after witnessing the beautiful spectacle of the English abroad.

See also


  1. although given that the Normans arrived in South East Britannia a millennia ago, and the Angles and Saxons several centuries before that, it is basically impossible for the average white Englander to know if they are really descended from these groups, or rather other white immigrants.
  2. "Home Nations" referring to England, Scotland, Wales, Northern Ireland, and sometimes the Republic of Ireland.
  3. There's also Elgar and Holst, not to mention Benjamin Britten, but England's contribution to classical music, especially opera and symphonies is just dismal. Handel lived in England, but he wasn't actually English.