Talk:England

This is the talk page for discussing improvements to England. This is also a forum for spreading libelous rumors about the article's subject. This is not a forum for general discussion about what you did last night. We have the Village Dump for things like that.
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Brexit

Someone should mention brexit lol 123mug (talk) 20:36, 1 February 2020 (UTC)

Editing

Why is the editing function not selectable for the England page? Perhaps a Little Englander does not anyone to play with his ball?

Yes so many wonderful stereotypes not really touched upon like: They are Ugly as hell Sneaky cheap bastards horrible lovers bad in the sack British empire=theives, rapiest. how the British acumulated there wealth??? Suck at soccer except the clubs the list goes on

Maybe if editing was allowed this unfunny article could be changed into one that was funny. – Preceding unsigned comment added by 124.8.138.168 (talk • contribs)

12:01, October 14, 2006 Elvis (Talk | contribs) protected "England" ‎ (semi-protect to defend against racist trolls [edit=autoconfirmed:move=autoconfirmed]) --Andorin Kato 05:44, July 13, 2010 (UTC)

That's a feeble excuse Andorin Kato. It's just plain sophistry to use an argument about defending against racist trolls. There are a lot of pages on this site that are full of racist comments, e.g. the pages on Asian Chicks, the USA, Wales, Scotland, and Africa to name but a few. The fact that editing is not allowed for the England page only confirms that this site is ran by a bunch of racist little Englanders.

The pages titled Asian Chicks, and Africa are very racist, it is pathetic that they are on this site; they are not even remotely funny, unless you are a Nazi dimwit.

Cool story, bro. --Andorin Kato 07:49, July 14, 2010 (UTC)

So I see you edited your comment. Again, cool story bro. --Andorin Kato 07:55, July 14, 2010 (UTC)

If you think this page is racist, blah blah blah, then you totally need to recheck where you are, this is the UNcyclopedia, its just a site to poke fun at anything and everything. If you don't like it, go to Wikipedia, the place where if you use it as a source, your professor will fail you, but at least you can feel "comfortable".

Whoever wrote: "this site is ran by a bunch of racist little Englanders." is wrong. This site abuses the English in numerous ways. Both the Scotland page and the England page, and many others are write-protected, though some people, like sycamore have an immoral privilige to edit them. What's wrong is the policy on write-protecting and the refusal to deal with anyone who asks about sorting this problem out sensibly. Ungaje 15:25, May 13, 2011 (UTC)

i hate america, they dont put the u in colour

Could someone please change the quote from soccer to football.. we don't say soccer..ever..in fact it was outlawed in the Defamation Act [1947], many thanks, Nick the Englishman

Yes. If you create an account here and wait a few days you will be able to edit the whole article yourself. :-) MrN 14:59, Mar 15

Climate?

I suggest make a small section called "Climate" that just says "It rains. Alot." and that's it xD Tnttodda 23:56, 21 December 2009 (GMT)

Could you not add, if you were to, a section that mentions that England closes when any weather presents itself?

Small re-write

This page really was a bit toss, whichever way you look at it. I've altered it to make it make sense and at least provoke a smile but whatever I do is only really shoving a lolly stick into a pile of dogshit- a pointless exercise in aesthetics. I'll come back to it and have another go soon. Any moans? At least it's now gramatically correct and spelled properly. Thanks Codeye 13:23, 18 February 2009 (UTC)

boreing

well it might have been in poor taste before but at least some bits were funny, now its just plain boreing!!!!

anyways iv fixed it now

our not or?

why does it say our not or all the time. Am I missing something?

Reference to colour, humour, etc, I believe.

Citing sources

Please cite sources as to the existence of England. Have looked all over and cannot find it - not in shoe, not under Scotland as I had been led to believe (three hous with a shovel reveals no England or treasure)

Frog raids!

Very funny article, but the English Military History bit seems to have been written by a Frenchman in the mood for some Brit-Bashing. If it was, then all the references to Britain not winning wars themselves are incredibly hypocritical... considering Frances' past!

Are you kidding, this is incredibly pro-Brit, much like the whole of uncyclopaedia. I bet you read the Grauniad you asylum-seeker-loving chav hating wannabe toff. Yeah that's right I said it. You're so middle class that your dislike of the lower class is only a culturally based kneejerk reaction and not founded on reason. Why don't you go back trying to impress some people so you can wear a silly hat at Henley!!! Also if you've ever been to France you would know they can't write. Death to the Observer on Sunday! 82.194.62.230 19:03, 10 June 2007 (UTC)

Sick

I think this page is sick, I dont find the humour in it.

Who ever wrote it needs to be hanged, drawn and quartered and their bobdy parts sent to the four corners of the Kingdom.

I've only read a bit of it, but personally, I find just those bits funny already. Now either they are a few specks of sweetcorn in a whole pile of shit, or the rest of the article is like that as well. Presumably most people think this as well, or it would've been changed completely - but we'll see...--scaley1234 23:59, 15 August 2006 (UTC)

English Military History

I`ve read the page about France. Now here comes revenge!

Well, I have to admit, I originally thought that it would just be a section of Brit-bashing, but I do actually find it quite funny. However, I've corrected the few spelling mistakes you made (some of which may be because you're American (if you are), in which case, I apologise), changed the grammar a bit, and removed a few that didn't seem to make good sense (as in couldn't even be argued to be correct from a satirical/humourous point of view because of simple Historical Laws...or something like that). Also, some of them really ought to come under Britain or the United Kingdom (as in the ones which would've been after the ascension of James I of England (James VI of Scotland) to the throne), and the last two on the Gulf Wars don't really make sense either (unless you're suggesting that the USA is still a colony of Britain). However, before I begin to sound too Wikipediary, I'll leave them to someone else :P. --scaley1234 21:46, 17 August 2006 (UTC).

U don`t consider this a Brit bashing? Try telling that to Mel Gibson :-)! And btw. the Glorious revolution WAS a Dutch invasion of England. The aftermath was simmilar to battle of Hastings. The description of this particular event inspired me to compare the English history textbook neutrality to the Japanese ones.

Do you have a website or anything that I can read that on, because assuming everything I've ever been told about invasions of England is correct, then the last time it was invaded was the Battle of Hastings. That said, I won't take it out this time, as I've not got any proof it didn't happen, I only did last time because of what I mentioned above, and therefore it just didn't sound right. --scaley1234 12:22, 19 August 2006 (UTC)

OK here`s a little something from the Wikipedia article about The Glorious Revolution that inspired me:

William was also stadtholder of the Netherlands, then in the early stages of the War of the Grand Alliance against France. Jumping at the chance to ally with England, William and Mary laid careful plans over a number of months for an invasion. Landing with a large army at Brixham, Devon on November 5, 1688, William was greeted with much popular support, and local men joined his army. William's army totalled approximately 15,000—12,000 on foot and 3,000 cavalry. It was comprised mainly by mercenaries recruited from various countries abroad; Dutch, German, Swiss and Scandinavian along with a substantial Huguenot element in the cavalry and Guards as well as 200 blacks from plantations in America.[1] Many of the mercenaries were Catholic.

PS if U liked my add on Mel Gibson ("English public enemy NO1" at the bottom of the page) please make the necesarry corrections it as I`m new around here.

Ahh, OK, well as I said, I was unaware of it, but yeah, according to that, it does appear to have happened. And sure, I'll go take a look at the Mel Gibson article :-). --scaley1234 12:44, 19 August 2006 (UTC)

There was no fighting in the glorious revolution. Everyone wanted William as King so he just marched in. 81.156.254.216 12:29, 5 September 2006 (UTC)

Yes, I know - but technically it was an invasion. I`m not sure weather James wanted William for king, though:-)

It was an invasion but it wasn't a military conquest, it was an invite by the majority of English people only a few Catholics didn't want a protestant king.

Racist, in poor taste and not funny

I don't find the first part of this page (with the Islamic and Londonistan references) funny at all - it's been hijacked by racists, it seems.

How could it have been racist - it acknowledges England as a multicultural society, in the way Uncyclopedia does things. To claim it as racist, would be to say the last (approximately) 125 edits were racist. And in the same way, it could be claimed that your changes are racist and stereotypical towards those of a White-English ethnicity.
Plus, everybody knows there are no callcentres left in England :P. --scaley1234 12:24, 16 September 2006 (UTC)

Doesn't make it funny...quite the opposite

That's an opinion - and similarly, in my opinion, your introduction isn't funny. However, like I said before, I'm too lazy to change it...

It is true about call centres though. Whenever I answer the phone or out it is always someone who does not sound like they come from this coutry.

Hm...what about this person who keeps trying to add 'islamic republic' and suchlike? doesn't sound funny to me.

Somebody who preferred it the old way, maybe...
Like I said before, what is racist and what is not is usually a matter of opinion - they clearly felt it was not, where you think it is. If you're really that bothered, go talk to that individual user, or in this case (I think), do some hacking, and find out the email address associated with that IP, and complain about it to them that way - I mean, it's not as if they can edit the article now anyway... --scaley1234 19:42, 15 October 2006 (UTC)

Tourism

Hey, the statement that the whole England attracts less then 100 tourists/year is not funny, just plainly and simply untrue. Actually, an Englishman has become an endangered species in London due to all the tourists and immigrants. The statement fits just fine with the English seaside, though.

Call centres

Er... all the call centre staff have moved to India, last time I checked :?

On no redeeming qualities

There are a few redeeming qualities to England such as:

• Not Scotland
• Exceptionally high proportions of Jedi and Atheists
• Not France
• Manchester
• Not US
• Blair is marginally less of an idiot than Bush

You forgot soggy pie and chips. -- Hindleyite Converse • ?pedia 21:06, 15 February 2007 (UTC)

England (made in China)

Wouldn't that be a better title 80.42.77.238 16:42, 17 April 2007 (UTC)

much better, CHANGE IT

Being funny and not just stupid

Wasn't that the policy? A lot of this is bereft of any thought, almost every section deteriorates to expletives in a desperate bid to seem even vaguely humorous. Also, the superfluous 'u' joke doesn't work well - 'our' when it's meant to be 'or' just looks like someone is illiterate.

Add

de:England pt:Inglaterra

interwiki

Please add these interwiki: ja:イギリス zh-tw:英國 pt:Inglaterra Remove the Arab interwiki ar:بريطانيا , which is about United Kingdom, and is already there.

Guys, you NEED to mention the riots

Just saying. You could make a LOT of jokes about it. I mean... the Brits aren't trying to become independent from Britain are they? *Hint* (That was rubbish)

Just plain sad

Really, it is. It's unfunny, dull in places, and at points just downright vitriolic. I've shown it to several people, all of whom felt it to be rather weak compared with some of the quality articles about other countries on Uncylcopedia.

I agree with the person above. My family is proud to be British, and I dae not agree at all with this article of offence. My grandfather was a proud squaddie in World War II, while his da was a squaddie chuffed to serve his country during World War I. My entire family and I find this article an unpleasant one. Dae change it at the earliest chance.

Dear 70.162.64.105 and whoever that other guy is,

Uncyclopedia might not be for you. You might want to stop reading before you give yourself a heart attack. I am sorry if you are offended. Perhaps there is some British equivalent to Conservapedia you might enjoy more.

--monika 02:03, 24 March 2009 (UTC)

To 70.162.64.105 You're not supposed to agree with it. You're supposed laugh because of it. If that is not the case, maybe you could try making it funny. But don't just put in patriotism. In any case, this is called England, not Britain. Munci 07:09, 24 March 2009 (UTC)

Yes, I understand. I am just saying that I find this article offensive to the whole of Britains who hae any relations to England. I can say that I am 1/4 pommy, but I still find this article in need of some sophistication, to put it into the correct terms. I am not trying to sound cheeky, and I dae hae a sense of smashing humour, but I just dae not fancy people taking the slash of the country I live in, but it is the purpose of Uncyclopedia (to be funny and humorous), which I fully understand. 70.162.64.105

Thanks for your suggestion. When you believe the England page needs improvement, please feel free to change it. You can edit almost any page on Uncyclopedia by just following the "Edit" link at the top of the page. We encourage you to write articles, since wikis like ours develop faster when everybody contributes. You can always preview your edits before you publish them or test them out in your userspace. If you need additional help, check out our getting started page or ask the friendly folks at AAN.

Also, you may want to log in, but it's not mandatory.

---

A large percentage of the users of the site are British. I am. If you can't laugh at yourself you will have a bad time on this site. MrN 23:42, Mar 24

British suck. --MegaPleb • Dexter111344 • Complain here 23:43, 24 March 2009 (UTC)

No, Britain sucks. Rather like your mom actually. MrN 23:52, Mar 24

Ireland sucks. North and the Republic. --MegaPleb • Dexter111344 • Complain here 23:54, 24 March 2009 (UTC)

Ireland only sucks because England is gay and wants its cock sucked. Munci 04:46, 25 March 2009 (UTC)

IP Address:What exactly would be offensive about this article to Scottish people? Can you point to anything in particular? Munci 04:44, 25 March 2009 (UTC)

A Good Re-write

I believe that the best thing that this article can have is just a good general overall re-write. Even now I myself don't find much about it that is funny nor really that interesting. It would be a good place for anyone here on Uncyclopedia to show some real ability by writing the entire thing over again and making it funny and in line with the rest of the wiki.

-St. Fenix (User•Talk) 14:51, 4 October 2007 (UTC)

I find this page offensive. This is not funny.

Well...

Most of that talk above appears to be rather pointless. Anyway... I'm going to sort this bastard out. If anyone wants to help please do so. I'm going with the theme of the author being from an unknown generally impartial country who does not really know that much about England other than the typical prejudices he acquired from his local media, and a few conversations which he had with English people when visiting. That should give scope to take the piss out of all the necessary things, but also allow some typical English prejudices to sneak in when they are funny enough. Probably the most useful thing which anyone can do to help would be to have a trawl through the history of this page. It's been edited a heck of a lot over time, and I'm sure there is some good stuff in there which could be merged into the finished product of this article. Cheers. MrN 01:30, Apr 5

All your efforts have come to naught

Endless attempts to fix this article have killed it stone dead and come across as various egos pasted on top of one another. Somebody comes along and says "this would be much funnier to me if it was re-written by me", which is what they do, gutting the article and missing the point completely. A few months ago this article was a mess, certainly, but at least it had some funny elements, now its just fucking boring and slightly racist. It's ended up as an absolute peice of shit. If you want things to make a vague stab at being concise I believe there is a little known website out there called Wikipedia. Dead celeb

So... Fix it. Look in the history, find the bit you liked and re-add them. This page had so much crap it needed a trim, and some gud stuff will be lost sometimes. Edit the article. MrN 16:29, Jul 17

Yeah, Ive tried it fixing it before, then I come back a few months later and its been butchered and I haven't got the energy to even attempt to fix it a second time. I suppose I could always just remove all of the text and paste in a picture of a giant turd, it would make the article easier and quicker to read at least. Dead celeb

Alternatively, you could find your fixed version in the history and revert to it. --monika 23:43, 23 July 2009 (UTC)

Small Qualm

Um, not to ask a question on an unrelated topic but what is the deal with the; "This article or section may be Overly British. Americans may not understand humour, only humor. Canadians and Australians may not understand anything at all. Don't change a thing to remedy this."? I understand the Irony of this question, yet, if someone would please explain what the beef is with Canadians and Australians is in this. I should think that these two nations would be the best to follow the stereotypical British sense of humor. Thanks... 207.61.101.2 17:53, October 1, 2009 (UTC)

Stereotypical British humour is self-loathing. If Canadians and Australians were really British in their humour, they'd find the thing funny. --monika 18:44, October 1, 2009 (UTC)

Yeah, that template's mention of Aussies and Americans always irked me somewhat. I suppose it's a bit of an exclusivist jibe by some bitter British person that's somehow survived for this long. -- Hindleyite Converse • ?pedia 12:55, October 2, 2009 (UTC)

This isn't self-loathing. If the English really could laugh at themselves then they'd be able to take actual, real criticism of their country and their culture instead of Criticism Lite like this page. 99.234.182.107 23:34, December 10, 2009 (UTC)

Humor?

You guys have some serious mental problems if you call this garbage humor. Nobody likes your jokes, except for, say, Mr.Bean. You are the only people who laugh with this crap. You don't have no humor. You're completely, totally, utterly devoid of humor.--AnotherD++ 15:20, May 25, 2010 (UTC)

More on the English

I'm English and I loved it

Please add:

Horrible lovers because most of the population is gay and don't want to tell their partners

British empire was more like the criminal empire stole from other countries to obtain their wealth and treated people like crap in the process. now they act like they are so noble. They are the reason why many countries hate Europeans nad British.

Really suck at soccer, best players are from other countries who play for English clubs

English are Ugly, fair to say maybe the ugliest people in Europe

dirty!!! london especially, not very clean people

English are cheap as hell and most certainly two-faced

English National Pastimes

The English cannot let a day go by without shooting someone. Of course you are only allowed to shoot foreigners. It is considered bad form to shoot someone in England, unless of course he is Brazilian and taking the London Underground.

It was after the great "Peter's Loo" massacre when many of the Queen's subjects were murdered on their thrones, that the English sought out targets further afield. Currently the English are shooting people in Iraq and Afghanistan. And the people back home seem very pleased about this. Of course they are not pleased when the foreigners shoot back! That is certainly not cricket.

Standards...

No. Ok? Just no. The article's now been massacred by someone who does not know when to use plurals, someone who does not understand grammar and someone whose spelling is the only thing worse than their typo-filled typing. Even here on the talk page the illiteracy (illegitimacy?!) shines through only too clearly. These cretins cannot fulfill the basic requirements of communicating the simplest of ideas clearly and coherently. How can we expect them to actually be funny as well? I give up. This used to be a great page but it's deteriorated into an unfunny, unintelligent, irredeemably God-awful redneck free-for-all. Codeye 16:46, December 29, 2010 (UTC)

Someone please change

The page for Scotland has the St. Andrew's flag but on England's page the cross Of St. George is not allowed. I've asked for it to be changed, see Scotland's Talk page, but it hasn't been.

Will someone make an appropriate change please?

___ Re "This article or section may be Overly British. Americans may not understand humour, only humor. Canadians and Australians may not understand anything at all. Don't change a thing to remedy this."

How on earth could we, when we are banned from changing anything on this page? - Notregisteredyet.

Anti-censorship Section

This article may be Overly British

Americans may not understand humour, only humor. Canadians and Australians may not understand anything at all. Don't change a thing to remedy this.

---

“Spiffing place, indeed.”

~ Oscar Wilde on England

“Well, this is shit.”

~ Every single person who read this pish

“I need a shower, hand me some deodorant.”

~ Every British person on Showering

Jolly Olde England The England Call Centre England
Flag Coat of Arms
Motto: "Tally Ho! What what. Jolly good show."
Anthem: "God Smite the Scots, the bloody French, the Germans, etc."
Capital	Wintanceastre
Largest city	Eoforwic
Official language(s)	Hindi, Pakistani, Iranian, Arabic, Chavish, Ald Englisc, Wanker (see Cockney).
Government	Scottish Over-Class, English Under-Class.
Elderman	The Queen
National Hero(es)	Jack The Ripper, Mr. Ben, Danny Dyer
Currency	Crumpets, Scones and Biscuits
Religion	Crime, Football
Population	Total: 60,000,000 Foreigners: 60,000,000 Racists: 100% and climbing Chavs: Too many to count Bloody French: None that live... Germans: The Monarchy
Area	32 Square scones
Major exports	Gary Glitter, Airfix's new non-glue/paint start-up civilization models.
Favourite  pastime	Queuing, Moaning about the weather, moaning about queues, moaning about politicians. Moaning about foreigners. Moaning about each other. Moaning about the past. Moaning about the present. Queuing. Moaning about the press. Queuing And prejudgment
Hours of  operation	Ask India. They run the office now

England, also known as Once-Great Britain (and periodically as ENG-A-LUUUNNND!!!!, from the Old Germanic term for "pissed football hooligans") refers to the place Chris Columbus told everyone he was from when he invented America, the land of the free. People from England are most famous for wearing a suit and tie, a top hat and a monocle, along with a funny curly moustache and poorly looked-after teeth; an attire which is pursued totally regardless of the occasion. This fashion has been popular since the late 1880's, this being one of the reasons Jack The Ripper was bloody hard to catch. It is not currently known how the English female dresses, although speculative theories suggest that they would dress in some sort of appropriate garb. Another notable attribute of the English is the funny way in which they speak the American language. They seem to omit most of their Rs - unless they are Northern and thus have too many Rs! - and most of their dialect tends to comprise of "Mm, quite!", "Spot on, old chap!", "Ah, jolly good!" or some variant. We have yet to comment on this, though, as we feel that they may be making fun of us, so we usually laugh nervously and look the other way, or change the subject.

History

See main article History of England for an alternative history.

England was founded in 1950 by Hengist The Striker and Horsa The Goalkeeper out of the penal colony Englalond that was built to house prisoners from Denmark, Germany and the Low Countries. The Old English were heathens and worshipped the religion of Football - with the great coach Woden and the star-player Thunor. Tiw was the goalkeeper, Ing was the defender and Eostre and Frige were the cheerleaders. The Great Football Match of Muþspell (which the Norse call Ragnarok) is to be played against Ettinham United and its star player Grendel at the end of the world. The referee will be Earendil.

The British Isles were originally one continuous landmass. Then the Irish were discovered. In 1956 AD a moat was established to separate Britain and Ireland. It proved to be ineffective as after a couple of drinks, the Irish found they could swim. Since then various other methods have been used to disassociate themselves from the Irish, such as devolution. The current strategy is for English people to pretend they like them, in the hope that the Irish will retreat with a nervous smile, saying something like "I just remembered something I have to do". It is, as yet, proving ineffective. After another year of trying, the English plan to be even more forward with the Irish - maybe even putting a hand on their thigh while chatting with the rest of Europe in the pub - in the hopes that Ireland will express its homophobia and finally retreat. It has been acknowledged that this plan could possibly backfire, and that, should Ireland respond positively, England may have to get off with Ireland. The foreign secretary has said that this is a "risk [England is] willing to take". Plans to cut off the Scots and the Welsh have recently been proposed in the Witangemot (the English parliament).

England has been invaded at various points throughout its history. Fortunately, every invader mysteriously became English when they took over, thus leaving England undefeated. This was extremely lucky as in 1066, the bloody French won their first (and last) war against England and a large seed known as William the Conker took over. He was followed by a long line of foreigners brought over solely to ensure that their puny, inbred, foreign bodies were not irreparably damaged by an encounter with a typical cock-mad English slag. For generations, these arrogant, workshy Europeans steadfastly refused to learn the native tongue; hence if asked to speak the Queen's English, you are actually being asked to speak German.

England's history is filled with wars, many of which are explained later on in the article. It has had nearly as many wars in its history as America has had in the last 10 years! This shows England could be considered to be a war-mongering country, but we all know really it was always someone else's fault. Those unarmed tribesmen looked at us in a funny way.

Contrary to popular belief, England was unfortunately NOT struck by a great Iceberg; that only happened in the movie. After the 70s, it is also NOT' being continuously invaded by aliens as it says on New Doctor Who. That's Cardiff.

Language

The official language of England is still English, although that language has since declined in popularity after Winston Churchill lost it behind the sofa during and EastEnders marathon. The vast majority of the population now speak Engrish, which is even more unintelligible than it's predecessor.

Hatred of the Bloody French

The one thing hated most by English people - well known for their grumpiness - is foreigners. Unless the foreigners in question are a) good at sport; b) willing to drop all allegiance to the shithole they came from; c) ready to adopt English citizenship and d) good enough to represent England in sporting contests, there's no chance of a council flat, state benefits or any of the other stuff foreigners obviously come here seeking. Of all of the foreigners, there is one group who are particularly detested by the English. The bloody French. The bloody French are the complete opposite of the English. They always lose wars, they smell and no one likes them (though the same could be said about the Yanks for the last point.) (Or indeed the Hun.) To lose to the bloody French at anything is considered a great dishonour, and anyone who does is immediately exiled off to one of England's dumping grounds like Australia or America .

The greatest practical joke ever played on the bloody French by the English occurred during WW2 when the bloody French fleet was laying at anchor in Mers-el-Kebir, bloody French North Africa were wiped out by elements of the Royal Navy Mediterranean Fleet. Oh how DeGaulle and Churchill laughed about that in later years.

The Chav Hordes

A rabid pack of Chavs.

The Chav hordes infest England. Much like the early nomads would settle by the side of a freshwater stream, Chavs settle in the many car parks of towns possessing a McDonald's or a JD Sports. heavy drug use has caused mutation in the Chav families genes, meaning the modern developed female can process a litter of up to 6 at once, from half as many fathers. Thus, will soon become unstoppable if not dealt with. They possess a very limited intelligence and can barely string a coherent sentence together, much like the Americans. They are often found down alleyways after a successful hunt in the local supermarket.

Cheap alcohol and McDonald's is their primary food source, and they are often seen to worship people such as Wayne Rooney, Victoria Beckham and NDubz as their idols. Just like the early Evangelicals would preach to the poor outside their place of work, Chavs up and down the land congregate in the nations bus shelters to set their black sony-erricsons to pump their bassy hymns into the air. Larger congregations can acquire amplifiers, subwoofers and diesel generators to power their tuneless, droning, ear destroying sermons (and the breeding frenzy that ensues) across the land (assuming they dont try to drink the diesel when they run out of Tesco vodka like the last time. Itz the same colour blad!, how i suppost to no? i aint no fuckin science guy)( fucking teenagers...). Their knowledge is generally passed mouth to mouth ,though occasionally Chavs known as Graffitiests scribble their knowledge onto other peoples property. With each passing day, the Chav hordes numbers swell. Some cities have become impassible with the pure amount of Chavs filling the streets.

To counter the Chav problem, many northern towns use Chav hordes a foederati against rampaging Scotsmen. This approach has been proven effective in many cases but many foederati tribesmen have turned to pillaging the towns that they were meant to protect.

High-class chav males who can shoplift their own weight in Burberry in one session compete at the greyhound tracks for the affections of the most beautiful of English women, known as English Roses on account of the number of pricks in their bushes.

Politics

Every inhabitant of England except for Chavs and foreigners (so not really anyone at all) has tea with the Queen once a day, where they discuss matters of state, such as the price of tea and the empire. The Queen doesn't actually listen to the nasty commoners, instead she just nods and smiles, all the while thinking how ugly poor people look.

This is basically what a electoral ballot looks like in England.

There are elections, though it doesn't really matter who you vote as everyone knows the Queen decides anyway. One of her hobbies along with hunting poor defenceless animals like commoners, is making up stupid policies for politcal parties. She even lets her husband nazi have a go by allowing him a party to suit his moderate tastes - the BNP.

To get involved in politics there is very specific criteria, such as being old, unlikeable and certainly not black. Preferably you must be Scottish and grumpy

Foreign Policy

• See American Foreign Policy

The English foreign policy is simple. Just do what the Americans do. Like the emotionally damaged mute kid who hangs with the bully so hes safe from the bully

“ I know its your thing, but dont ask questions. If you try to be witty like the last time they will just punch you in face again.. How long did you have to spend on that NHS waiting list for facial reconstruction? well, at least all your teeth rotted away before so they couldnt have those as well ”

It replaced the previous policy of nabbing land off of uncivilised tribes by use of flags and lent weaponry. Please, refer to the great works of that best dressed and I have to say, well maintained of social commentators, Eddie Izzard for more information

Currency

The national currency of England

The currency of England is the Crumpet, with smaller currency being Scones and Biscuits. 8 crumpets are worth around one US dollar, depending on the price of olive oil. Many outspoken Chavs have spoken (well at least tried to) out against the crumpet, since they're not posh enough to use this currency. They'd much rather have beer. The other choice for currency is the pound, which is a beating typically delivered with the hands, feet and teeth. Traditional advocates of the pound suggest that while everyone can be beaten within an inch of their life, not everyone is able to procure a crumpet. Chavs have taken this a step further and just beat you and run off with your stuff. Some people think the Euro is actually the currency but these people don't know that England is not part of Europe so that would never happen.

• 10 Scones are worth 1 biscuit.
• 5 Biscuits are worth 1 crumpet.
• 1 Crumpet is worth...erm, 1 crumpet.

So, if a hot crumpet in Mrs Miggin's Tea-Shop costs 4 crumpets and I have 356 biscuits in my wallet, what day is it in France?

Crime

Crime is the UK's second national sport (the first being Football – see ‘religion’)), and this second sport is becoming ever more popular as Big Brother is banning everything from nuclear weapons to spiny plants. Law abiding citizens are left to be escorted while going to the market. This brings great lulz to Amerifags as they are all armed to the teeth, and helping each other out more often than those dirty Somalians kill each other.

Sports

It is common knowledge that England invented all sports. It is also common knowledge that if the sport turns out to be any good, then England immediately become rubbish at it. England's national sport should not be confused with its religion, football. Its actual national sport is Tiddlywinks.

England has a tradition of being knocked out in the quarter finals of any competition. Failure to live up to this tradition is seen as disrespectful and should be avoided. Occasionally they like to get knocked out in the final, though this is a rare occurrence (the chances of England getting to a final is next to nothing).

On the 27th of June 2010 the English Football Team where eliminated from the South Africa World Cup by their biggest rivals Germany. A topic of large amount of controversy is the Frank Lampard goal which was disallowed by linesman Mauricio Espinosa even though it clearly crossed the goal line. The goal in question would have equalized England to 2-2 therefore resulting in a win.

Mauricio Espinosa is now on MI5's most wanted list and an award of up to 20 crumpets is being offered for information leading to his arrest and consequently to his execution by executive order from the queen.

Religion

One or more of the disciples usually misses a penalty, though

England's main religion is that of football. The players are worshipped by Chav kind, who make up about half of the population. Should a match result go badly,then it is a sign that the Gods are displeased. To placate them, the fans often go on drunken rampages and try to beat up as many of the opposite teams fans as possible.

The major living spiritual leader is Great High Wizard Beckham. Another well-loved leader is Jesus who played in goal for England's world cup victory of 1966. A very important part of football is money. Money can be used for bribery or buying up all the best players. A cheap player generally costs about about 10 crumpets or £1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000. The money is offered to appease the Gods.

Many foreign countries claim to have beaten England at various football matches, though everyone knows England haven't been beaten once. They have in fact lost thousands of games.

Military

See also America.

England has a finely trained army or Fyrd (or Feared as most armies fear facing English warriors), who can take on the most powerful enemies, the mighty ANT. Many of the battles throughout England's history consist of a great army of tribesmen armed with very sharp sticks and pieces of fruit. Facing this terrible foe are the completely outnumbered and outgunned English who only have machine guns, artillery and tanks to defend themselves with, yet they can still emerge triumphant.

It is incredibly dangerous to come between an Englishman and his cup of tea. Most of the famous battles throughout recent history have taken place because of this, including the horrific massacre at the Battle of Waterloo where Napoleon was hogging the sugarbowl.

Throughout history, the English military has enjoyed access to the finest hardware and equipment in the world. Whether fighting a guerilla army during the American Revolutionary War while wearing bright red dress uniforms visible from space, to happily pootling around the pleasure gardens of Iraq and Afghanistan in the heavily armored Snatch landrover (named after the tight cunts running the MoD), the English soldier can be sure that his leaders are fully behind him, usually by several thousand miles.

Famous English Conflicts

Battle of Hastings Direct

This battle all started over car insurance. Esure thought they had the best insurance deals, but Hastings Direct disagreed. This was followed by a bloody conflict, in which the Esure mouse defeated Harod. from that day forward, it was decided that compare the market.com would decide who offered the best car insurance, and that the meerkat from Russia who said "Simples" was secretly the ruler of the universe.

The Great Scottish Wars

This was not a good time for England. Scotland, its far tougher, hardier, braver northern neighbor was becoming a huge threat. So England went to war with it, and unfortunately for the English (see Bannockburn, Battle of Stirling Bridge, William Wallace, Robert Bruce), they were owned. So much so, in fact, that James VI of Scotland later became to first king of The United Kingdom, James I.

Hundred Years War

The French King of England was bored one day so he decided to create a war against the easiest targets. The bloody French King and his armies. The war did not actually last for 100 years as everyone back then were illiterate. Instead it lasted 5 minutes until the bloody French surrendered.

War of the Roses

The English gardeners started a fight over the issue of "which roses are more beautiful – the red or the white ones?" A similar dilemma emerged many years later in Russia proving that England is far more advanced than Russia in that respect.

The Spanish Armada

The Spanish prepared an invasion fleet of 240 ships. During their voyage they met the greatest defense. English weather. As it rained all of the time they got depressed. Also a slight breeze wiped out most of the fleet so they took the hint and headed home

English Civil War

As it was a civil war, everyone was very nice to each other about it. It was not a barbaric revolution like in other countries, but instead was a peaceful beheading of the King and the destruction of his army.

American Revolution

A group of colonials decided to make the worlds largest cup of tea by pouring all their tea supplies into Boston harbour. England was forced to declare war as they did not put the milk in first. 30000 English regulars faced 10000 colonial militia. The English won most of the battles, captured most of the cities and lost all of the war. All in all, a similar performance to its sports teams.

Crimean War

One of England's greatest military victories occurred here. This was the charge of the light brigade. England cunningly made its elite troops run into a valley full of cannons to work out where they were. The plan was successful as the trail of bodies led directly to the cannons.

Scramble for Africa

The small English force of 10 men defeated 5000,000,000,000 Zulus blindfolded. It was a close battle with one English soldier grazing his knee. The Zulus never released their version of the battle.

WWI

The English used a brilliant new tactic in this war. It involved running at the enemy machine guns with a target painted on their chest. They believed this was the last thing the Germans would expect so they repeated this throughout the war. Amazingly the Germans seemed to be able to predict this move a gunned them all down. It was suggested that the Germans had a high ranking spy. It is believed that the Scottish did a lot of the work and were responsible for the invention of the trench. It is thought that they came up with the idea to stay out of the sun during the long summers of WW1 as their pale skin and ginger hair would not have survived the duration.

At the end, everyone signed a peace treaty and went home.

WW2

Then they geared up for Round 2. England didn't really care about Hitler. England just wanted to get back to our scrabble tournment. So he gave him Checkoslovakia's lolly (good farmland and coal) so he'd shut up. But the little fucking buggar wasnt satisfied and took the whole bag from Checkoslovakia. England were going to sort this out, But Churchill just Threwdown D-O-N-T-I-G-N-O-R-E-H-I-M for triple word score, and well.. Chamberlin had to sort that out first. The Englids then sat down for a large meal to celebrate the outstanding victory by the noble Chamerblin, while Hitler Invaded Poland. The Englids were going to sort out that as well, but Archibald Sinclair just popped open the brandy. It could wait till the morning couldnt it? The Soviets will deal with it for now...

However, by the morning Hitler was halfway up Norway

“ In for a penny, in for a pound, eh England? At least I gave her what she needed, go back to your man sized kleenex box. she doesnt put out for any pussy.* ”

the English were horrified at this. God Damn it! England had sat through all those RomComs for jack!. While England knew he had to beat hitler down for stealing her, and was being egged on by France, England took the easy way out. locking itself in its bed room to cry, ripping the posters from its walls and smashing itd guitar with some classic collage rock as soundtrack. Heavy. France However was not going to take that for an answer. France was not going to pussy out (this time) and went to confront Hitler, now with Norway on his arm. What France didnt know was that Goering and Rommel were waiting for him. France got beat down, badly as well. But in classic Hollywood fashion, England manned up and came to the rescue, picking up france and running back over the channel and letting him stay at Englands house till the heat died down.

Funny thing that. England is the only nation on the planet which can turn total defeat into a 'strategic victory' by word of mouth only, and make you believe it. You never did find out what that small indescribable sound that you were hearing around London was.

It was us, Laughing at you.

Anyway.... This was followed by the Battle of Britain which involved getting bombed continuously util the Germans finally ran out of bombs and had to give up. Then the English and their much-hated Scottish and Welsh allies, feeling sorry for the Germans, decided to give them back all their metal by bombing Germany.

Towards the end of the war there was the battle of Normandy. this gave the English the chance to finally invade France and get away with it as it had Germans in it. They used this same excuse when they blew up the bloody French fleet.

War for Indian Independence

Indians beat the hell out of the The British Empire, including England and Scotland, and got independence. Then Pakistanis, Bangladeshi, Somalian, Romanian, Russian, Nigerain, African, American etc etc started beating British people every month and they call it Independence day.

The MP War

A day where every English citizen (plus their slaves) and newspaper decided that they fervently hated every politician, MP and government official. A war was started in the name of Bob Hope's ghost who led the Chavtastic army to freedom from the MP oppressors, now branded as paedophile terrorists who hate kittens and are thus reelected in a massive landslide which they regard as a huge mandate from the people to take as much for themselves and their friends as they can get their hands on.

The "Annoying English Tourist" war

After the English lost their empire, they were purty pissed off. Unfortunately, they could not accept their obvious inferiority to the Canadian Empire. This caused them to become grouchy and insecure. Dissatisfied with their lot in the world, Many English people longed for far-off places, like Australia, New Zealand, India and other beautiful exotic places that they gave up control of for god knows why.

Many English citizens left on vacation to these places, but their resentment was not welcome. They started complaining about the country they were vacationing in, how the food was bad (when in fact it was good) and how they longed for blood pudding and other gross english stuff. The tipping point that began the war was when King Henry VIII and Tony Blair sojourned within Barack Obama's pancreas. Tony Blair, upon complaining about how "dark" it was, was met with great anger. The Obamans were in uproar of this "obviously racist" comment. Blair and Henry VIII were exponged from the country via digestive tract, effectively rendering the the two into litteral pieces of shit.

The English, being miserable and grouchy, equaled the Obamans in anger. They argued that anyone's pancreas would be dark, since the pancreas is not normally exposed to light. But it was no use. The Obamans were convinced that Tony Blair was racist. On July 4th, 2351, the Obamans declared war.

Soon, other countries reported their dissatisfaction with english tourists. In Thailand, many were angry over Michael Cane's mockery of the Thai monarch, King BoomyBawlz "da Foxxx" Johnson. Nobody had mocked him before, apparently. The situation in Colombia was far worse, however. Keith Richards, on his vacation there, could not help but speak up about the Alien-Slave trade going on in the country. Richards was not aware of the fact that the Aleins were from the planet Xangsowatlern, and that they embraced their slavery with joy, as was the custom o their race (The Xangowatlernians were wiped out shortly after the war because they were very stupid). Other countries like Nigeria, Lichtenstein, and Brunei Joined the Obamans in their fight against the English as well.

The only country that came to England's defense were their old enemies, the French. Unfortunately, the French surendered twenty-six seconds after joining the war on England's side. Their country was annexed by Thailand, and the French, to this day, are all kept as pets of King BoomyBawlz Johnson.

England, being pathetic and stupid, were weak militarily. They could not stand a chance against the great Aven Starchasers of Nigeria, or the Crolnerts of Lichtenstein. Colombia sent a million of their Xangowatlernians. They were mostly used as cannon fodder. And Thailand only sent King BoomyBawlz. England was quickly overwhelmed, and many people died. Soon only London was under English jurisdiction, and thus began the great siege of London, which lasted 40 years.

The citizens of London had no access to food or water. Within the first year many died of starvation. Over the next 39 years, factions were formed to find and eat the weak, as they were the only source of food. King Henry VIII and Tony Blair, once great friends, now were turned against eachother in the "faction wars of London". They battled fiercely, and after those 39 years, Only King Henry VIII and Tony Blair were left. They were the last English people alive. They faced eachother at Piccadilly Circus, for it had the stupidest name among the landmarks of London. They wrestled for hours, but finally King Henry VIII won by stabbing Blair in the eye with his finger. The King then Proceeded to eat Tony.

With the strength and power gained from ingesting the great Tony Blair, Henry VIII powers became superior to 9000. This unprecedented development allowed him to crash open the gates of London and Face King BoomyBawlz "da Foxxx" Johnson in one-on-one combat. Both were fat and strong, and the battle lasted 12 more years. Until finally King Henry VIII summoned Gandalf and killed BoomyBawlz. The King then went off to the undying lands and lived forever.

Tourism

Who in their right mind would want to go on holiday to England? Apparently Danes, Swedes and Norwegians, who loved to visit the English monastries, after witnessing the beautiful spectacle of the English abroad.

People who are not English

• The Queen - (German)
• Gerry Adams - (IRA)
• Madonna. (American, no Italian, um?)
• Gordon Brown who?
• Tony Blair - (Scottish Without Nationality)
• The Duke of Edinburgh - (Danish-Greek)
• Oscar Wilde - (Uncyclopedian)
• The Welsh (Welsh)
• The Scots (Scottish)
• Scousers (God knows...probably Norse and Irish)
• Danger Mouse (Not actually a real person)
• Henry VIII (Welsh!)

See Also

• Margaret Thatcher
• Beckham
• Eastenders
• Iron Maiden
• The Beatles
• British Line of Succession
• Church of England
• The Former Great Britian
• Worst 100 Locations of All Time
• The Wildlife of England's Canals
• Scalby