Royal Air Force

You don't have to be a pilot to fly in the RAF. But it helps.

The logo of the Royal Air Force.

The Royal Air Force (RAF) was created by mistake in the 11th century, when King Edward the Second was heard by three knights, to mutter "Who will rid me of this troublesome wig?" Instead of rushing off to Canterbury to murder Thomas Beckett, they invented hair transplants. King Edward was so impressed he created the "Royal Hair Force" immediately.

The Chief of the Air Staff is Air Chief Marshal Sir Russell Brand DFC - he has been serving in the Air Force for two years but was so good they had promote him.

History

One of the earlier successful fighters of the RAF, nicknamed the 'Haymaker', this impressive aircraft could do considerable damage to a blade of grass on a stately home lawn

1918

The RAF was actually renamed the Royel Ar Fors on the 1st April 1918 as a whimsical joke by Baron David Lloyd von George the inventor of the treadmill. Since patrons of this elite flying club either didn't realise the joke or couldn't give a monkey's left testicle as they were "too blotto in the mess", subsequently the name stuck. In later discussions it was advised that further funding from the government was required for all officers to get an expensive new blue suit made in Covent Garden for their parading around in public. This would enable the general public to recognise them and distinguish them from the other poor buggers that had to fight in the trenches. It was later found that they couldn't afford any aeroplanes and had to default on their loan and borrow aircraft from the Germans.

1919

The first non-stop transatlantic crossing is made by British RAF aviators Alcock (snigger) and Brown (Captain John Alcock and Lieutenant Arthur Whitten Brown). As usual, the fucking Yanks completely ignored this event and only ever talk about Charles Lindbergh.

1927

Charles Lindbergh makes his crossing over the Atlantic. Only eight fucking years after the British did it (the Yanks are real cunts).

Meanwhile, the RAF cleans up 1st and 2nd at the Schneider Trophy races with their Supermarine seaplanes (woop woop!).

1930

Using the Rolls-Royce Merlin engines from the Schneider Trophy race Supermarines, the first 1000 horse-power hair dryers enter service with the RAF. Able to dry the most voluminous hair from 20 miles away. A whole new era of home visit hairdressing begins.

1939

The Second World Hairdressing War Begins. With cries of "chase me sweetie!", the British Expeditionary Hairdressing Force heads for Dunkirk. Ze Germans could have easily cut off their retreat, but the salons and boutiques of Paris proved too much of a temptation. Almost 20,000 hairdressers and 280,000 trainees were successfully evacuated from the beaches of Dunkirk. Unfortunately 250,000 hair technicians fell into German hands, they refused to swim out to the boats without a hairnet.

Great Britain sank into a dark era of overgrown fringes and bad comb-overs. Only the slap-headed Winston Churchill was immune to the privations of wartime. Despite being bombarded with leaflets showing the latest hairstyles from Paris, morale in Britain remained high. Women from all over the land, armed with pudding basins and crimping shears, fought valiantly to keep hair out of the nation's eyes.

In order to help pay its way, the RAF regularly works with movie companies. Here is Squadron Leader Austin Powers from 69 Squadron doing a low pass in his Shaguar for the upcoming film The Roger who Rimmed Me.

The Red Arrows practising their latest formation

Red Arrows

The RAF Scampton All-Singing-All-Dancing Display Team (commonly known as the Red Arrows) represent the egotistic men (and women, yeah, that's what its come to...) of the RAF. All pilots on the squadron have flown more than 74 miliseconds of fast jet flying, operating in the North Pole and Jamaica. Known for wearing their iconic red flying suits, they blend into the jets' overall colour to avoid thousands of fans and monks. Applicants to the team often have a patriotic streak and a predilection for winter breaks in Cyprus. When they are in the air, Red 1 uses radio calls such as "Smoke on...Go" which can be heard during their display. Other calls include "Reds 1,2,3 don't move! 7 and 8 f**k off!" This was heard for the first time at the Fairford Air Tattoo of 1997. The team developed a new aerobatic manoeuvre for 2009 - the Penis Bend. This involves all 9 jets arranging themselves into a penis shape. This represents the head of USA ex-president George Dubya Bush.

The modern RAF

Flagship of the fleet of the latest RAF figher jets - the Eurofighter Typhoon

A 19th century aircraft posing as something a trifle more modern. RAF baby pilots have nocturnal emissions when seeing pictures like these at bed-time.

The RAF is becoming most effective in terms of aircraft. Recently been signed for a £836bn contract with WeDontCrash airlines, the RAF have become more of a powerful fighting force. The most recent aircraft to enter service was the Tiffy Mk2, which came on RAF strength with a formal flypast yesterday. This turned into the type's retirement flypast, leaving the RAF solely to provide inspiration for Frank Spencer and to turn up at ceremonial events.

The RAF have designed new career options for people with such talent and unique qualifications: hairdressers, magicians, tattooists and even photosynthesis therapists are just some of the many jobs that have been introduced. Long-established roles for slotted manpower remain unchanged, the most popular career choice for women in the RAF is the oral hygenist, closely followed by the horizontal lubricant assistant. The Chief of the Air Staff said: "Well my hair needs to look amazing since I am, well the boss! Also I was pissed at the time and made a inaccurate mistake for the photosynthesis therapists but who really does care?"

The future of the RAF

In 2011, as part of an income generation scheme devised by Civil Serpents at the MoD, a fleet of Nimrods was smashed up to build liferafts for HMS Ark Royal, following its decomissioning and lease to the French Naveee. This glorious vessel now patrols the Dover-Calais shipping route renamed HMS Joan of Arque Royale and provides an emergency runway for Lydd Airfield in heavy fog.

In 2012, the RAF plans to buy another fighter to add to the five and three-quarters it already has.

Some equipment has already been sold off to Australia.

The RAF is gradually losing its pilots as most use the RAF to gain their pilot's licence and depart to FlyBE, Ryan Air or Virgin Atlantic soon afterwards. Thus the RAF has no future as an independent fighting force and it will be sold to New Zealand as soon as possible, since the Kiwis are desperate to fly somewhere.

See also

• Biggles, the quintessential butch RAF flyboy
• Aviation
• Military
• World War I
• World War II
• War