Eurofighter Typhoon

Tiffy the Eurofighter Typhoon, complete with its array of phallic symbol offerings. An interesting facsimile of other countries ideals and methods for bombing the thick Arabs and seeing off Russian bombers.

“It will bring peace, power and security to my new empire!”

~ Anakin Skywalker on the Eurofighter

“Your new empire?!”

~ Obi-Wan Kenobi on the EU

At the epitome of fixed wing aircraft, Tiffy the Eurofighter Typhoon, initially known as the EF 2000, now also known as the 'Typhoon' (often abbreviated 'Phoon'), 'Carbon-fibre Triangle' (as a homage to the earlier Tin Triangle), 'Buffoon', 'Badass Wagon', and 'Flying IT suite', and in Germany as merely the Eurofighter (because Ze Germans have a painful memory of another Typhoon giving them a good mullering in WWII]) - is a fighter jet that flies in at 1300 mph, looks you in the face, grins evilly, then blows you to kingdom come. Flown by one or two pilots, depending on mood and weather they got laid the previous evening; the Tiffy is so hard to fly even computers can't do it, so the pilots have to get off their fat arses to attempt to fly it, whilst humming the theme tune to Top Gun. Armed with long things like penises, but bigger, sharper, and potentially more explosive, it penetrates all targets with ease. In fact, it can do that up to eight times, then make lots of holes in them with its gun built into the fuselage.

History

Legend tells the story of a brave cleaning utensil man known as Spongebob who explored the ruins of your crappy computer from the 80's Atlantis, only to find an alien device known only at the time as "01001001 01101110 01100110 01101001 01100100 01100101 01101100 00100000 01101101 01101111 01100010 01101001 01101100 01100101 00100000 01111001 00110010 01101011 00100000 01000011 01010010 01010101 01010011 01000001 01000100 01000101 01010010 00100000 01000101 01000100 01001001 01010100 01001001 01001111 01001110". After taking a generous bribe from his old pal China to provide the only remaining blue-prints and intergalactic sorcery code, he took off as the first honorary sponge to fly such a fighter plane on the 27 March 1994.

Intended uses

Apparently a 'multirole' fighter, the EF 2000 (2000, because that was the year is was deemed to be obsolete, and renamed Eurofighter so as to hide that fact and drum up sales in third-world countries which could ill-afford it) was developed in response to the break-throughs in faster-than-light travel and apocalyptic nanotechnology by Al-Qaeda, Terry, and various other terrorist groups, such as Lesbians Need Cock, and Aprons For Househusbands.

A further, notable use was the Eurofighter's inclusion at airshows, attracting crows (and other flying mammals, such as paraglider pilots) from hundreds of miles around to be sucked into the plane's hungry Morris Minor jet engines; many spectators left feeling "guilty but pleasured". These airshow appearances have been disbanded this year, after David 'That Gimp' Cameron sold the aircraft to Tuvalu, St Helena, and the Communist Republic of Antartica - so he could buy his wife designer shades to protect her from the glare of his own forehead during intercourse (because he repeatedly fails to correctly tighten his own gimp mask).

More recently used by the Bellamy Brothers during Operation Ellamy in Libya - with the main objective of sticking a rocket (specially modified to respect local religions) up Colonel Gaddafi's son's arse to try and get him up for school. Unfortunately, this objective backfired, and he was killed whilst attending to his morning glory in the operation. Due to their failures, enraged Tiffy pilots solved their problems by taking anger out on the regimes tanks, stone caches, and pea-shooters.

It is also used for advertising the Royal Air Force (aka RIF-RAF, or Crab Air) on TV with a "we can't die, we have this attitude". The aircraft featured in this advert happens to be the RAF's only Typhoon, photoshopped into a variety of vaguely believable locations and scenarios.

Specifications

Early design contributions by the Belgians and the Dutch were overlooked by some.

Demonstration of the Typhoons' afterburners

The following is actual real undiluted utter fact.

Top speed

better than a bus ... a lot better

How high it can go

higher than John Lennon armed with a seventeen foot weed rollup

Range

free range (except the one kept in the royal aviary if the tourists get bored of endless sparrows)

Engines

two Morris Minor GTX1984, low-polluting with carbon capture and afterburner

Fuel

multi-fuel capable - coal (though anthracite nuggets preferred), wood pellets (pre-treated for woodworm), biogas for afterburner (on-demand - when the pilot farts), cowpats (to be used when flying over rural areas), Chanel Number 5 (used only when flying over London). Export models modified to use locally available fuels, including peasants (Russia and China), rednecks (USA), Lama poo (central and southern Americas), sheep shit (New Zealand and Wales), camel shit (Arabia and the middle east), goat shit (Africa), and penguin guano (Antartica)

Crew

an overqualified growbag-clad earl grey-drinking fat man with a posh accent

Missiles

big and pointy; a wide assortment with options to modify to suit religious reasons

Bombs

got some of those bad boys ... one potato, two potato, three potato, four ...

Guns

one, for the pilot for when robot planes finally make the fucker redundant, and a pea-shooter for when the gun jambs

Cockpit

three TV screens ... complete with the Sky HD and adult channels subscriptions (adult channels disabled on two-seat versions)

Avionics

leather bound monacle, brass extendible telescope, both night-vision capable (a green plastic disc to be fitted to both)

Weapons guidance

an abacus and a selection of cockpit-stowed pebbles - to be thrown through a porthole on the canopy and wait to see where they hit

Stealth

they dont want it, expensive! ... which means 'I can see you :p'

Criticism

The sad consequence of bean counters - this was the now cancelled daily supply of Cheesy Wotsits for just one of the RAF's Typhoons

How dare you!!!!!!

The Eurofighter was once thought to be a revolutionary and arrogantly European venture into aerial combat, that is until someone pointed out the fact it was just another attempt to jazz something up by adding the prefix 'Euro' to it, after the 'Europod' and 'Euromac' - a more exciting approach was needed to interest the public. In fact, the Eurofighter only received press coverage on its release as many news executives believed the name implied a combat-based reality television show.

From a technical perspective, the aeroplane was said to be too heavy by leading weight experts and too light by leading plane experts; the debate that ensured ended any productive attempts to decide on weight modification, resulting in the removal of the 'weighty' cockpit salted snacks and keeping of the onboard fireplace with spit-roast. A small safety concern was noted when an inside engineer on the project, during a drunken arguement, that to save costs, no seatbelts, helmets or on-board toilet with seat warmer were included in the design.

Future replacements

The Eurofighter is being gradually phased out in favour of the more versatile and efficient box kite (though the Egyptions are pushing for the hot-air baloon), with many pilots currently re-training to avoid unnecessary and tiring re-launches, caused by distraction and over compensation.

The European Union hopes to, one day, produce an aircraft capable of carrying human cargo, and has invested heavily in the microlight industry, and has begun to send archeologists in search of the fabled technology lost in 1945.

See also

• Buying shares in the British company that makes these useless overpriced aircraft
• Europe