Fighter
“You no fighter! You a coward!”
“I killed Gaddafi!”
“I like swords”
“I'm going to kill you. Like, a lot.”
“Holy shit, I'm kickin' ass!! ”
“I'm gonna rip your fuckin' head off! ”
“Damn you, Masked Warrior. ”
Fighters are members of the feudal system of ancient not-Japan. This class was a renowned combatant, as the name suggests, and could easily use any sort of weapon to inflict more damage than even the most powerful of sorcerers. However they have only one weakness which is an arrow in the penis.
Origin[edit | edit source]
The fighter class arrived in the feudal system alongside the beginning of superstitions of great sorcerers and jokes about lesser mages. The class wasn't actually a profession, per se, so much as a definition of one's combat prowess. Anyone who had earned the title of "Fighter" was to be greatly respected. The feudal class' actual status in the system was somewhere along the lines of "servant to the lord" and many knights retained this rank.
The class died out shortly after the blending of Eastern culture into every aspect of daily Western life, most noticeably the similar samurai class.
Abilities[edit | edit source]
The most noteworthy of a fighter's abilities was the power to instantly know how to use any weapon they were presented with. Strangely, less orthodox weapons, such as frying pans and teddy bears could do as much damage in their hands as any sword. Even the weakest had roughly 2.5 times the stamina of an ordinary person, which gave them an incredible pain tolerance. The last and greatest of their powers was the ability to do several times more damage with their weapons than a wizard could do with a nuclear explosion. The wizarding community has tried to create a spell that might nullify the fighters advantage, but so far, the nerf spell is still in development.
Weaknesses[edit | edit source]
Due to their extraordinary ability, fighters are very hard to kill. If you are ever faced with a fighter, it is recommended that you attack their mind, and not their body. However, if you are a figure of significant power (one of the Jesii, Chuck Norris, Bruce Lee, Lu Bu, their Sensei Master Asia, a grue) then you stand an excellent chance of whooping a Fighter's ass.
Methods of attacking a fighter mentally are as follows:
- Trick them into doing something treasonous. If they are true fighters, then they will be thoroughly shamed for betraying their cause and will cease to be a threat. Lesser fighters (mercenaries, etc.) may not be affected by this tactic.
- Provide them with a paradox. Much like robots, fighters will be unable to process the conflicting logic and will be struck down with SEHS.
- Give them a fake map. Despite the endless combat ability of the fighter, they pretty much suck at anything that isn't combat based. Again, this may not work on lesser fighters, especially those who are also wizards.
- Be psychic. Unless they are highly disciplined, they will have extremely weak minds, meaning that they are an easy target for any psionic attack. Recommended for lesser fighters.
- Be friends with one of the aforementioned figures of power. Because most of them are Republican, Democrats should stick with another method.
- Challenge one of them to a duel. This may seem counterproductive, but all you have to do here is set a minor trap and the fighter will be screwed (they won't expect that in an honourable duel). Keep in mind their extra toughness when building your trap. A pit trap filled with grues works nicely, and is inexpensive to make. All you have to do is make sure no light can get to the bottom.
- Take away his sword-chucks or other weapon. This is only moderately effective, mind you, as they can simply pick up a nearby stick or baby and beat the hell out of you anyway, and if they are masters of the Rat Zodiac style, it won't work at all because of their grotesquely deformed fingers.
Like zombies, fighters may have their strengths, but they also have their weaknesses. Be smart when fighting them, and you will survive!
Rumors[edit | edit source]
- The fighter class has been carried on through the ultimate fighting tournament known as Mortal Kombat. The tournament is more of an honorary and traditional event, not having any real value whatsoever. However, the champions of the tournament are gifted with knighthood (as an honorary code with no real value), are armed with sticks, and sent out into the world once again. Unfortunately, it has been recently discovered that the Nigerian curling team has misinterpreted the knighthood and the sticks, and has been picking up the stray Kombaters and adding them to their ranks. They have yet to win a game. They have been calling themselves "Men-With-Sticks" or the MWS. However, they are cosidering changing their name, due to a large portion of their audience being middle-aged women believeing that "Men-With-Sticks" is actually a porno troupe.
- Disproved, as many members of the Mortal Kombat tournament are not fighters, but instead ninja. Those few who are actually students of the combat style of the fighter class are quickly eliminated by the vast amounts of ninjas. Also, Nigeria does not have a curling team. The team in question was a competitive archery team, which captured lone Farkers to use as targets.