Shithouse

“The Shithouse was the greatest advance in American society”

~ Oscar Wilde on visiting his first Shithouse

Why not come and shit sit . . . SIT a while?

A shithouse, despite its name, is not a residence built of feces. Rather, it is a shed that, equipped with a toilet (and, rarely, with a urinal and a sink), allows visitors to escape work, have sex, or masturbate in private, under the guise of relieving themselves through the performance of such bodily functions as number one, number two, number three (shit bomb), number four (throwing up) and number five (blowjob). Because they allow privacy outside, shithouses are also sometimes called privies or an outhouse. They are the primary dumpers of outlaws.

Digressions (such as are unseen in Wikipedia)

Jim Morrison, of the Doors, also used the term 'shithouse' as a metaphor for the universe, saying, at one of his concerts, that he intended to get his "kicks before the whole shithouse goes up in flames." As it turned out, Morrison burned out before the 'shithouse' burned down and, as punishment for his hubris, was buried in France, where he still resides.

The house is also used as a metaphor for feminine pulchritude, as in the expression, "She's built like a brick shithouse," despite the fact that no shithouse is made of such material.

Construction

Better-made houses boast porcelain, rather than wooden, toilets and, therefore, leave no splinters in one's derriere as mementoes of their visits. In addition, they may have chipboard walls and a fiberglass ceiling. However, even these luxurious shithouses lack insulation and, in cold climes, can be unsettlingly frigid in the winter.

As a rule, shithouses do not have ventilation systems or windows, and they can become foul-smelling when visitors actually use them for their intended purpose rather than as a private place in which to meditate or to masturbate.

Shoddy shithouses are often homes to snakes, rats, Bill Clinton's prostitutes and paramours, or other vermin, and may offer telephone books or mail order catalogues in lieu of Charmin or other brands of ass wipe.

Build your own

First, you must dig a hole approx. 5 feet in the ground (10 feet for family size). Be sure not to dig the hole next to a gopher's house if you want kids. Next get multiple slabs of 2x4's and randomly nail them to each other so it looks authentic. Be sure to use yellawood to discourage termites and creepy neighbors. Once finished be sure to fill it with plenty o' shit.

Other uses

Before it became used exclusively, or primarily as a shitter, the original outhouse was employed for food storage, animal housing, cooking, and, in place of the woodshed, for administering corporal punishment to lazy or reluctant wives and children, especially on farms.

For the overseas traveller

'Scheißhaus' is the term used when addressing the friendly Polezi in Germany to relieve oneself (but please refrain on the 'wank bahn'), whereas 'maison de merde' (not to be confused with 'maison du mort') will find your nearest in France! Latinos will universally recognise 'mierda', and many homeless Russians will be found in the 'сортир'. However, when in Japan, be amazed at their 'たわごと'.

Variations are important to note within the British Isles. For those brave enough to venture to Scotland, you will receive a warm welcome and additional bonus in the 'taigh shit' (but dae nit git confused with a 'wee shit'). And to visitors to the Emerald Isle, 'teach shit' is not something taught at kindergarten!

See also

• Poo

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