So it seems nothing much goes on these days that's really newsworthy. Sure things happen, new users stop by, edit a while then leave, people write things, but...nothing really notable, you know. But we won't write an entire article about how nothing's happening and how depressing that is because, well, it's depressing, you know? So we're going to tell you about one thing the author - in her extreme vanity - thinks is worthy of reporting and make it seem like that's important and trick you into caring, when you'd really much rather be playing video games or (gasp) writing an article.
This forum resulted in our acquiring a new admin, Llwy-ar-lawr, who is still all over the place just like she was before but now shows up in different places and is making this slow website go a little faster to hide how slow it is (we hope). There are rumours that she sleeps sometimes, but they have yet to be verified. She also happens to be writing this text right now, which is a terrible conflict of interest so we can't say any more on the matter; this means we will distract you with more pointless drivel about nothing. Now back to our regularly scheduled commercials, which we've forgotten to serve you. We bet you were really missing them because they're so yummy and informative. And yellow. That comes from the pee, which is high in nice nutrients like phosgene phosphorus...we think. Probably. We're telling it to you as a fact, though, because we're never wrong.
We, the Conservative users of Uncyclopedia, have decided that we don't have enough featured in-jokes, clowns, Really Big Trees, user and disambiguation pages, as if we haven’t pulled enough boners (and templates), we are putting all our past glories on our main page, once again, one by one, ten days a week.
Dear readers, only a few days late, the UnSignpost declares the Retro Week open! Applauds!
Originally Shabidoo's very controversial idea, the Retro Week has grown to become the time when all the Uncyclopedia administrators take an official rest from their site work, unless they are also the UnSignpost editors. You don't believe us? Check the recent changes!
So the 2014 Retro Week opened with a really big tree. A very big one. But it is pretty much everything original about it. It pursued with Slender Lorises, that are able to live in wet and dry forests, next - with Template:Boner, which we are not going to use in this UnSignpost, no matter how many times you ask us. Then came the turn of Hardwick Fundelbuggy's Userpage, featured not because it was funny, but because its author had written a lot of funny stuff (following this logic we can feature sandboxes and user contributions). Finally, we saw the Fire Hydrant spreading its waters around Uncyclopedia and slowing down - if not destroying - the servers.
Amongst other pros of the Retro Week are the facts that it gives users a good excuse for not voting on VFH for a while, because nobody does this anyway and that it is keeping our main page busy, while we are making an UnSignpost for you.
Thank Sophia, it happens only once a year!
Biopic
We haven't managed to get hold of anyone long enough to get sufficient information out of them for a biopic. They always managed to ooze away just in time. Must be that slime that's got into the works.
From The Logs
23:35, 1 May 2014 Llwy-ar-lawr (talk | contribs) blocked SPIKE (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 5 seconds (account creation disabled) (does this do what I think it does?)
08:07, 17 April 2014 Frosty (talk | contribs) blocked MediaWiki default (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (account creation disabled) (you can't do that... YOU JUST CAN'T!!)
15:09, 10 April 2014 Bizzeebeever (talk | contribs) blocked 166.216.165.0/24 (talk) with an expiry time of 1 year (anonymous users only, account creation disabled, cannot edit own talk page) (Hey! Hey, guess what? I have a BONER for you to gnaa on! Ha ha ha ha ha pwnt.)
Could you please copy and paste the results from the spoon to the fork and the fork to the spoon a couple times a day? Your help would be greatly appreciated (as has all of your help so far). --ShabiDOO 00:30, 27 June 2014 (UTC)
Sure, if I have time and opportunity, I'll be only willing to help you more! Anton (talk) 12:50, 27 June 2014 (UTC)
Thanks again Anton. There isn't much left to do here. Just copy the score sheet and put templates on user's pages once the competition is over. It seems as though you, RAHB and Hyperbole are in the threeman race for the win. They are all worthy articles. --ShabiDOO 11:14, 28 June 2014 (UTC)
Could you, please, tell me what templates to put? Also, just so you know, I'll go on a several week holiday this Monday and so won't be able to edit Uncyclopedia after this Sunday. Anton (talk) 13:26, 28 June 2014 (UTC)
I'll give you clear instructions tomorrow. There are only three users who don't have an account here so there is little to do. It's supposed to be all finished tomorrow. Going anywhere special? --ShabiDOO 14:10, 28 June 2014 (UTC)
Sure. I won't go anywhere next week (but I still can't edit Uncyclopedia, for personal reasons) and I'm going somewhere special the two weeks that follow, even though I don't know where yet. Anton (talk) 14:26, 28 June 2014 (UTC)
Cool. I've always wanted to go to St. Petersburg. Nice dining in the day, famous opera house in the evening and then dancing on table tops at night. Fun! --ShabiDOO 15:38, 28 June 2014 (UTC)
Me too! (To my greatest shame, I have never been to that city) Anton (talk) 16:34, 28 June 2014 (UTC)
SHAME ON YOU!!! --ShabiDOO 16:52, 28 June 2014 (UTC)
How was your vacation? --ShabiDOO 07:00, 29 July 2014 (UTC)
Great, thank you! I went to Brittany for the first time in my life (even though I wrote an article about it about a year ago) and did some windsurfing there. How is your summer going? Are you on vacation? Anton (talk) 08:48, 29 July 2014 (UTC)
Oh wow. France. So many good times to be had in La France! La joie de vivre. And windsurfing sounds awesome. Can you stay up for more than five minutes? I'm heading to Spain in late August. I'm counting down the days. --ShabiDOO 09:36, 29 July 2014 (UTC)
Cool! What do you mean by "stay up"? In windsurfing, you don't fall as much as in normal surfing, so you can basically stay up forever! Anton (talk) 13:53, 29 July 2014 (UTC)
Then maybe we aren't talking about the same windsurfing. Is it the one where you have a sail ontop of a surfboard and a handle to hold onto? --ShabiDOO 21:22, 29 July 2014 (UTC)
As far as I know, this is the only one. Have you tried it? And if yes, have you done it alone or with a teacher? Because it must be very hard if you do it alone. (I did two weeks of what the French call stage, so I was taught how to do everything.)
Oh, but maybe you are talking about staying up while surfing on high waves and doing tricks! Then I probably can't do that. Anton (talk) 16:43, 30 July 2014 (UTC)
Uncyclopedia is like a moldy pile of kelp right now. Not a lot of fun is happening right now. Or is it? Well probably not, but the UnSignpost is back! You know that newspaper that occasionally makes appearances on your talkpage that you also totally read. More than ever this newspaper will be uninformative, filled with articles that seem to endlessly ramble on about nothing in particular just to serve as filler and most importantly it will be thenewspaper written by barely literate drunks.
Of course, you must ask, will this project actually be happening on any regular basis? You bet! Certain people who are extremely vain, as proven by the writing himself into the article will try and deliver you an UnSignpost every single Friday! That is of course, unless he gets devoured by a moldy pile of kelp. Then it might not happen. Other writers may also take part in this wonderful franchise, but let's face it, it's more likely that you read this entire article through to the end, than people actually write for this place anymore.
Once again we find ourselves in that horrible, horrible mode of electing new administrators for Uncyclopedia. A process that never fails to see at least three users permanently quit the site because of "hurt feelings". But apparently, this time will be different. Although we say that every time, we truly mean it this time. Every drama stirrer will win an all expenses paid trip to RAHB's secret rape dungeon where they will have their anus mercilessly pounded with a stick coated in pieces of broken glass, and to top it off, the glass pieces will have been soaked in the HIV virus before hand.
Users are all encouraged to vote, because unlike with the presidential election, your vote counts! Further more, not every single candidate is a loser, most of them are, but not all of them. Voting commences on August 1, so get ready for some old fashion in your face comedy tragedy!
Biopic
For the first time in 2014, we actually have a biopic! This week's biopic is Banzaikitten, who, is one of the very few new comers of 2014 to not bugger off within 7 days of signing up. We would like to thank SPIKE for his contribution in bringing Banzaikitten closer to us through his "take no prisoners" banning style on Wikia. If it wasn't for this, Banzaikitten would never have quit Wikia and joined us at the chosen Uncyclopedia. Please take a moment to thank Banzaikitten for being one of the very, very, VERY few users to join in recent times.
From The Logs
14:56, 23 July 2014 Bizzeebeever (talk | contribs) changed block settings for 184.7.86.140 (talk) with an expiry time of 2 weeks (anonymous users only, account creation disabled) (I've decided to use lube. You should feel so lucky.)
00:55, 19 July 2014 Frosty (talk | contribs) blocked 184.7.81.56 (talk) with an expiry time of 1 year (anonymous users only, account creation disabled) (Chronic sock wanking and being a really shit vandal.)
14:41, 1 July 2014 ChiefjusticeDS (talk | contribs) blocked 23.105.212.133 (talk) with an expiry time of 6 months (anonymous users only, account creation disabled) (I’m coming at you like a dark horse)
Just as lame and boring as a horse race, except without the gambling.
Predictably (and because let's face it, nothing else is happening on the site), the admin election takes the lead story. For those of you living under a rock and those that are just plain slow, Kip the Dip is leading the race by far (+19) and should win be a few lengths, this is definitely because of how hard his jockey is riding him. Cat the Colourful is trailing at second with +13, followed by Leverage at +8 and Banzaikitten at +6. Other notable mentions include Aleister, Mr-ex777, Lost LabyrinthMattsnow and DungeonSiegeAddict510 who have all succeeded in avoiding the highly embarrassing score of getting +1 or less. Feel free to message the losers with negative scores and point and laugh a lot hahaha.
It shuld be no surprise that the page has been mercilessly trolled with other complete joke nominations including The Chief of AIDS and The Zombie of AIDS.
If you haven't been to the forum yet to cast your vote, do it today! Uncyclopedia admin elections: Twice the drama, half the fat!
This story is nothing short of a PSA, circle-jerking with traces of vote whoring in as well. If you are reading this, you should vote on VFH. VFH voting takes very effort and makes it, at the very least appear, that we have active users. So get down there some time today and vote on all the articles. Some might say you need to actually read them first, well this is (probably) a good idea, but do bear in mind that we don't actually know if you've read it or not. And unlike, when you didn't read Hamlet in your 9th grade English class there is not going to be a surprise test on the matter.[citation needed]
You should also go vote on Frosty's article(s) currently on VFH, it's the least you could do after he SINGLE HANDEDLY wrote this terrible newspaper for you. If you don't, the length of his e-penis will decrease considerably all because he didn't get another feature on a website with a userbase smaller than an Eastern Siberian village.
Biopic
This week's biopic is the user named TheRealSexyFluttershy, which just goes to show how desperate we are for biopics that we are willing to write about literally anyone who shows a vague interest or presence in the site. TheRealSexyFluttershy can be found on The Internet Relay Chats discussing things that have relevance to ponies and poopdick on a disturbingly regular basis. However, he does occasionally make the odd presence on the Wiki and even more occasionally he makes useful edits to some page or another.
If you appreciate him go to his talk page and thank him for his noble contributions in the field of poopdick, if you don't appreciate him please feel free to spam his page with poopdick (although he may start furiously masturbating).
From The Logs
16:25, 25 July 2014 ChiefjusticeDS (talk | contribs) blocked Bizzeebeever (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (account creation disabled, autoblock disabled) (You look like you're doing something important right now. Are you? What is it? Why are you doing it? Did I break it? Would that be bad?)
11:46, 26 July 2014 Frosty (talk | contribs) blocked ChiefjusticeDS (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (account creation disabled) (Asking for it, begging for it actually.)
09:24, 29 July 2014 Bizzeebeever (talk | contribs) blocked 173.44.44.121 (talk) with an expiry time of 6 months (anonymous users only, account creation disabled) (Now sit in your corner and think about what you've done)
Not that much over a year ago, TKF left us with the classic "I'm quitting forever in a highly obnoxious and auto-fellating manor". For about 66 seconds Uncyclopedians everywhere were sad, we all fapped in sadness at the loss of our beloved TKF and things were never going to be quite the same again. Then we all thought to ourselves "good riddance, I hope he contracts Anthrax and dies."
No surprise, but he has come back under the highly illusive nickname "Argylesocks" which is obviously not somebodies sockpuppet because it contains the word socks in it. I mean, if you were a sockpuppet would you give it away so easily? Flawless logic! He can also be found on IRC chatting casually under the "dcik", showing his support for "The Dyslexia Support Foundation".
Head over to his user page and talk page to find out details about his awesome "Uncyclopedia Retrospect project" which is probably some grand social experiment documenting the life and times of hopeless losers on the internet, but hey it SOUNDED COOL.
Uncyclopedia has recently had an infestation. An infestation of drama. Drama is bad mmkay? Aside from the obvious fact users get banned, users quit and people proceed to hate each other to the point where you would rub hot English Mustard into their prolapsed anus if you ever saw them in the street, drama distracts you from writing. As does reading the UnSignpost. But reading the UnSignpost is more constructive as the constant not so subliminal messaging telling you to write articles is plastered everywhere. WRITE ARTICLES.
But drama can be entertaining when coupled with cheap scotch and buttered popcorn to the humble obverser. But mainly it's bad, so stop it. No matter how funny you think your drama mongering will never compete with Asperger's Syndrome is no laughing matter... ...and the sequelrest of the trilogy.
Biopic
This week's biopic is Chaoarren, which if you haven't meet him yet... You suck basically. He can be found on IRC, occasionally editing the Wiki and frequently reporting established users to Ban patrol because "they made fun of him in his pink skirt" or "he smells funny". Chaoarren has also done the highly laughable feat of running dead last in the most vote rigged admin election in history, where losers like Kip the Dip and Colin actually stand a chance of winning losing.
He's also a noob that hasn't buggered off yet. I wish more of them were like you Chaoarren... I really do...
From The Logs
11:50, 6 August 2014 Bizzeebeever (talk | contribs) blocked 107.182.115.32 (talk) with an expiry time of 6 months (anonymous users only, account creation disabled) (You are the weakest Chink. Goodbye.)
06:40, 6 August 2014 Zombiebaron (talk | contribs) blocked XReaper (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (account creation disabled) (Horse dick)
06:14, 5 August 2014 Bizzeebeever (talk | contribs) blocked 107.182.116.97 (talk) with an expiry time of 6 months (anonymous users only, account creation disabled) (Enjoy this beefy cock.)
It was dark times being without Uncyclopedia. Maybe if I got out of the dark and went outside once in while it would be less dark. But you know, lazy me.
I plan to visit Uncyclopedia and do my 'thang (wink wink) at least once a week. But I hold no promises because you can't trust me. I'm a hoe and 3!OH!3 told you to NOT TRUST HOES.
However, I'm sure you guys found out why I was absent from the site for a good 200 years 4+ months and it was because my old laptop KOed and I finally got a new one for school.
So that means I won't be uploading images of Madiq. (pictured)...
Madiq.
I missed you, just kidding, but really.
However, I didn't forget you, maybe sometimes,
Is this a haiku or something? My grammar sucks too.
They expect sacrifices. So chop, chop. Make haste.
Biopic
This weeks biopic is on someone who doesn't read Uncyclopedia (but they will because we will make them through laughter har har). Her name is Elizabeth and she's from Australia. She showed Sir Peasewhizz her tits...
04:26, August 13, 2014 Frosty (talk | contribs) blocked Bizzeebeever (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (threatening to ban me)
15:04, August 12, 2014 Zombiebaron (talk | contribs) resurrected Zombiebaron (talk | contribs) (Achievement Unlocked: Unban yourself one minute before your ban expires)
So... apparently not a lot of active users, huh? -- MagicBusTalk to me! 18:55, 20 August 2014 (UTC)
One of the reason I did that clean-up was to urge those who still care about this place show up by reinserting themselves. But yea, the emptiness of this template is quite depressing. Anton (talk) 19:39, 20 August 2014 (UTC)
Welcome to another no longer sporadic edition of Unsignpost. Yes, the quantity of USP's being written has gone through the roof in the last few weeks and as such there is absolutely nothing to report- hence why people who have previously never written one of these are being roped in. One thing of note that has changed is I am now an admin and as such can block RAHB with impunity. God I love to block RAHB. There is nothing quite like the fizzy rush in the root of your penis and the dizzy thrill you get in your anus when blocking RAHB. I urge all who can to try it.
Banzaikitten warns you that this UnSignpost may change your sexual orientation.
But anyway, I'm an admin now and I'm going to try and be the best admin that I can be, and judging from my recent attempt at changing the featured article, and all the admins reactions to my fuck up, the best admin I can be is one who does absolutely no administration work and just writes the occasional UnNews. Thanks for all your votes.
I know I've already spoken about RAHB but god help me I just can't stop. We all like voting and there is a very important vote occuring right now. You, yes you, could decide what sexuality RAHB is. Come the end of the vote RAHB sexuality will be decided for him and he will have to perform sexual acts of that nature for the rest of time. I'm hoping Ponies wins.
As the curate and the moral compass of this sinful land I must say that I have been appalled at the terrible news that my milkman brought to me. Although I don't remember his exact words, I'll try to reconstruct his speech from my memory, which - and for this I thank God - I am still honored to possess, despite my respectable age.
“
Now, I heard Mr What's-his-name talk to his son about something he heard in the neighbor's house, which I didn't hear, but Mr. What's-his-name-again described it so well that I am positive I can repeat it almost word-by-word. So his neighbor was giving his dog its food and commenced discussing our village's events with it, Mrs. Elizabeth soon became the topic of the conversation, and she, as you know, has a daughter... And a cat. Oh, what a fine Siamese cat! But it is of no relation to our current subject. So e man and his pet chattered on and on and, apparently, that dog ... oh, I mean the man (but, you know, from a distance you really can't tell the difference) uttered that "Mrs. Elizabeth's daughter once read an educational page on the Internet, which talked about homosexuality and how you cure it." And can you guess who the author its author was? Mr. Frosty, the man who lives next door to you!
”
These were the words of the milkman. However, this isn't all. I was not terrified when I heard this, because teaching fellow villagers to cure an abominable disease, which homosexuality certainly is, is a commendable act from Mr. Frosty's part, especially if it was done with no impulse other than to save good Christians.
Alas, I, we have been greatly deceived in our trust! Beware of the appearances, especially when they are found on the unholy Internet!
Ah, wicked men! I, your curate, willing to help your ungrateful souls, decided to try the so-praised advice of Mr. Frosty on myself and proceeded to accomplish it yesterday. I did everything he said to the very last phrase and - I swear by the Holy Grail - it didn't work!
Biopic
bakpak2hvy is a guy who frequently lurks on our IRC without saying anything. The other day he said something.
From The Logs
15:59, August 16, 2014 Cat the Colourful (talk | contribs) blocked Chaoarren (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ([22:58] <Chaoarren> Can I get joke banned? :D)
15:00, August 15, 2014 Lost Labyrinth (talk | contribs) blocked DungeonSiegeAddict510 (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 second (As you aided my quest to take over Uncyclopedia, have a block. I was meant to give this to you earlier but you were already banned for 40 minutes. Have a 1 second extension!)
05:57, August 15, 2014 Banzaikitten (talk | contribs) blocked Cat the Colourful (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 10 seconds (Fuck Finland)
I'm currently going through a period where I'm trying to improve my articles, and was wondering if you wanted to help with UnNews:Interview with You seeing as you editied it and all. Don't feel pressured but remember that the dark servants of my master, spectre of the dead and captain of the damned command me to destroy any one who disobeys. --IFYMB! Talk to me baby! 21:01, 29 August 2014 (UTC)
Did you know that every ten seconds: another ten seconds kicks in? Yeah, mind equals blown right now, eh? Did you know that the return of one legendary user triggers other legendary users to return as well? When Argylesocks returned from his previous state (not Blue Mountain), it only was a matter of time until the legend named MadMax returned from his couple-of-months-long sojourn in the wild country known as Ethiopia. MadMax does not steal the few supplies of food Ethiopia has, you sick fuck! HE HAS A SOUL.
For those who have heard of the legendary Xamralco, he has returned to. He is an admin and a fantastic writer. We love him. You love. YOU LOVE HIM.
Okay? Okay.
Now if anyone sees Dawg, slap him and tell him to come back. And for Olipro... gosh. I can't even.
Here is a random picture of a stack of gold. Craving it? Good.
We were once surpassing the votes per article goal of 10 not much longer than a week ago. SHAME! HOW COULD WE HAVE LET THIS DROP TO NEARLY 5 OUT OF 10?! EVERYBODY, HEADS DOWN!
When I say you can put your heads up, you will all go and vote on the feature nominations. Okay? And no laughing or detention!
Biopic
For this edition of your favorite paper, the USP, we had the chance to get the Biopic for one of the biggest badasses to ever live. That person/thingy/chatter was auror, whom we found frolicking in our IRC channel one evening.
When we asked auror if she would like to be Biopic'ed (did I spell that right? SPELL CHECK PLS) she gave a powerful speech.
“
no
”
Thank you! Give it up for auror!
From The Logs
00:54, September 1, 2014 Bizzeebeever (talk | contribs) blocked IlanaZkhfzm (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (user did not suck Leverage's cock as promised)
16:02, August 31, 2014 Leverage (talk | contribs) blocked AleidaJbjo (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (sister did not suck my cock as promised)
12:24, August 29, 2014 Kip the Dip (talk | contribs) blocked Electric Pope (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 7 centuries, 4 decades, 8 years, 364 days, 14 hours, 38 minutes and 24 seconds (Annoying douchebag.)
Hi, My name is Sir Peasewhizz. Stop hurling babies at me! STAHP! READER PLS. STAHP.
It is days like these when I realize what a cruel world we live in. It seems that Pee Review has bitten the dust. For just a few minutes of your day and some cash you can help solve this crisis. Seriously, you hoes.
Here is a random picture of a stack of gold. Craving it? Good.
We were once surpassing the votes per article goal of 10 not much longer than a week ago. SHAME! HOW COULD WE HAVE LET THIS DROP TO NEARLY 5 OUT OF 10?! EVERYBODY, HEADS DOWN!
When I say you can put your heads up, you will all go and vote on the feature nominations. Okay? And no laughing or detention!
Yes, I copied this from the last issue of the USP, you boner goblins. That picture of gold? That was also from the last issue, as well.
There has recently (a certain amount of time before the latest UnSignpost issue) been a lot of talk about creating an Uncyclopedia App as well as an Uncyclospecies. The idea consists in producing and selling the app which will transform all the human beings who use them into Uncyclopedians. The majority of the users (about 50% of those two who really participated) found this idea great (think that it is funny to talk about) and maybe even began working on it (asked someone else to think about it). Nothing else is known about them, as they disappeared soon after the first experiments were held.
The main problem this project has is that, in fact, nobody knows how to create an app. In addition to this, there is no money, as most of it was spent on Ferraris, that were supposed to bring more money but didn't. Finally, some people think that it might be harmful for the environment (nobody cares).
The project is currently being discussed (some users still post random spam on the forum) and with a certain probability the app is going to be created in nearby future (it is never going be to created but some people do think about it).
Biopic
Alas, an actual Biopic for SEPTEMBAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Today, the Biopic will be on a man who carries the identity, MrC. He was doing some hardcore crunches while he was surfing the IRC and thus we gained a little more info this is a run on sentence fuk yea murica.
His origin: "Some Uncyclopedians messed around in another channel recently. After hearing all the stories and rumors, I figured I'd like to see for myself."
22:20, September 10, 2014 Bizzeebeever (talk | contribs) blocked LorrineLundy (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (Orange is the new black. Welcome to Internet Jail, Lorrine.)
22:14, September 10, 2014 Bizzeebeever (talk | contribs) blocked CharissSparrow (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (Dude, your gay porn name is lame)
22:12, September 10, 2014 Bizzeebeever (talk | contribs) blocked VictorForest (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (Eat my crotch-forest, Victor.)
Previously, in the past, Uncyclopedia has done a project called Uncyclopedia:Imperial Colonization, which mimics is a battle against crap-quality articles. We recently have finished the colonization of Albert Einstein, because fuck we didn't need a good article on him before amiright?
Anyways I'm telling you this because it would be soooo sweet if we could get this running again... and I kinda need Xamralco or any other admin to combine histories again because I just found out I shouldn't have moved the project myself...
Vote for highlights, you giant boner goblins. (third issue in a row)
Here is a random picture of a stack of gold. Craving it? Good.
We were once surpassing the votes per article goal of 10 not much longer than a week ago. SHAME! HOW COULD WE HAVE LET THIS DROP TO NEARLY 5 OUT OF 10?! EVERYBODY, HEADS DOWN!
When I say you can put your heads up, you will all go and vote on the feature nominations. Okay? And no laughing or detention!
Wow a third week of using the same entry in a row? GEEZ.
Biopic
Nahhh. I don't really feel like it!
From The Logs
13:13, September 17, 2014 Lost Labyrinth (talk | contribs) blocked WolfganKix (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (Wolfgan's arse is going to get Kix if he doesn't stop making accounts here.)
13:12, September 17, 2014 Lost Labyrinth (talk | contribs) blocked JanetteMelton (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (You brought your girlfriend with you? How sweet. She can fuck off too once she's tossed me off.)
13:11, September 17, 2014 Lost Labyrinth (talk | contribs) blocked AndreBecker (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (OMG A SPAMBOT! I've missed seeing you around man. Where you been these past few days? It's been so emotional. Okay, emotional reunion is over. Now fuck off.)
hi, anton. concerning brittany, i think it has very much potential, but it loses steam starting about the 'culture' section and could use some condensing (cutting out some stuff, making things more concise). it could also use another image or two in the middle part which is a lot of text. these are just my opinions, so feel free to ignore them as you see fit! SirGerrycheeversGunTalk 22:29, 21 September 2014 (UTC)
Ok, thank you! I'll work on it! Anton (talk) 04:47, 22 September 2014 (UTC)
good man! and remember, that's just the opinion of one barmy old codger. SirGerrycheeversGunTalk 06:45, 22 September 2014 (UTC)
Did you have him when you took Intro to western civ 101? --ShabiDOO 05:07, 22 September 2014 (UTC)
No. Have you? If yes, do you like him? Anton (talk) 18:57, 24 September 2014 (UTC)
Well he's certainly charming. With a smile that will knock you off your feet. Everything feels...sort of okay...when he's around. Like that dark empty hole in your soul is not so dark an empty. He's that kind of professor. Good ole McDoodle-Fluff!!! --ShabiDOO 18:50, 26 September 2014 (UTC)
Sounds like he is a great man! Anton (talk) 18:51, 26 September 2014 (UTC)
His lecture on the Trojan war is legendary. He makes Brad Pit and Eric Bana seem boring. --ShabiDOO 19:00, 26 September 2014 (UTC)
I thought Python (programming language) was pretty great. Maybe our humor matches more on encyclopedic articles. --Nikau (talk) 06:00, 27 September 2014 (UTC)
Thanks! Maybe - that would be an interesting phenomenon! By the way, I liked your article on Ebola, though I don't know much about the disease. Anton (talk) 09:27, 27 September 2014 (UTC)
The USP is coming for you! (and your little dog too)[edit source]
So apparently, October follows September. As we all know, Halloween follows September. This means that I get to make a suggestion, amirite?
So I was thinking long and hard one day (which was literally five minutes not twenty-four hours) about something cool we could do for Halloween this year. No, I don't mean egg your neighbor's house... I was thinking maybe we could feature something on Halloween?
Okay yes, I know this is something we basically do every year, and I know you are reading this preparing to accuse me of filling space... and you'd be right.
Biopic
Nahhh. I don't really feel like it!
From The Logs
12:34, September 25, 2014 Colin "All your base" Heaney (talk | contribs) blocked Banzaikitten (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 hour and 9 minutes (You're like the Grinch, except it's your cock that's three sizes too small.)
14:35, September 24, 2014 Lost Labyrinth (talk | contribs) blocked 173.213.80.213 (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (Your free trial of Uncyclopedia has expired.)
07:05, September 24, 2014 Leverage (talk | contribs) blocked JessieTedesco (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (fuck Jessie Tedesco, he gets his clothes from Tecso)
...is on this year. Last Year's was fun. You did well in HappyMonkey. I'm sure you'll do well in this one too Anton! --ShabiDOO 03:03, 29 September 2014 (UTC)
I would love to. But when is it and how long will it last? Because I don't really have much time now. Anton (talk) 10:43, 1 October 2014 (UTC)
It will start once we have eight participants. It will last for one week :) --ShabiDOO 13:33, 1 October 2014 (UTC)
That's cool! So if I sign up in a week, you'll start in a week? Anton (talk) 16:31, 1 October 2014 (UTC)
In case only one place will be left, of course. Anton (talk) 16:31, 1 October 2014 (UTC)
LOL As soon as the eighth person signs up...the competition will immediately begin :) --ShabiDOO 18:57, 1 October 2014 (UTC)
The competition has started. You can still sign up if you like. You have one week starting right now at this very nanosecond!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! --ShabiDOO 02:21, 2 October 2014 (UTC)
Thanks for the invitation, but I can't do it this year! Best of luck with it, anyway! And, by the way, would you like to host the HMC in spring? Like that, we will be able to co-operate and it would still be an inter-wiki contest! If you wish, of course. Anton (talk) 06:04, 2 October 2014 (UTC)
No, I am not Russian, not that I know of. I just really like Eduard Khil, and it is through his music that I learned a few words of Russian. Languages come rather easily to me, actually. (I also have a lot of Russian internet friends, precisely because I am a fan.) Most of my article was inspired by the Russian Wikipedia. My sentences are grammatically correct because although I use Google Translate, I don't trust it too much. I hope I have answered your questions! :) --the dorky contralto 01:23, 2 October 2014 (UTC)
That's cool! Wikipedia is usually how I get inspiration as well. Anton (talk) 06:07, 2 October 2014 (UTC)
Cool. Have a nice day, my good friend! --the dorky contralto 01:51, 4 October 2014 (UTC)
You seem to be active right now, would you mind voting there pretty please? I want to cull as much crap as quick as possible while I have the time. --Nikau (talk) 16:14, 4 October 2014 (UTC)
Done! (Almost.) If you don't have time, you can make a list of articles to delete and we'll nominate them later. Anton (talk) 18:14, 4 October 2014 (UTC)
Excuse me, sir, do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, the USP?[edit source]
As we all know, a Texan man has brought the Ebola virus to the United States of America. And as country, we are all freaking out. Even Obama, who never freaks out, has freaked out. He now refuses to kiss Michelle because he has become a germophobe.
Anywho, we here at Uncyclopedia have determined that Ebola can be avoided by simple measures. We encourage everyone to wash their hands, especially after ferocious masturbation. Remember kids, diseases come for hookers. So stay away from hookers as well.
Biopic
Nahhh. I don't really feel like it again!
From The Logs
12:34, September 25, 2014 Leverage (talk | contribs) blocked 178.137.80.72 (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (dickery)
15:07, September 28, 2014 Lost Labyrinth (talk | contribs) blocked 23.231.7.217 (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (The Maitri Inthusut has ordered us to block editing permanently for all residents of the Phuket Province.)
13:39, September 28, 2014 Leverage (talk | contribs) blocked Leanna Hollway (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (she wouldn't go the "holl way" with me)
02:04, October 12, 2014 Xamralco (talk | contribs) resurrected Xamralco (talk | contribs) (I have frostbite on my nipples.)
01:58, October 12, 2014 Frosty (talk | contribs) blocked Xamralco (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 3 years, 6 hours, 32 minutes and 24 seconds (Obligatory retaliation ban)
01:46, October 12, 2014 Xamralco (talk | contribs) blocked Frosty (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 3 seconds (Obligatory welcome back block)
You speak French? Mattsnow 11:01, 1 November 2014 (UTC)
Oui, je parle français (avec un accent russe). Is it your mother tongue? Anton (talk) 13:08, 1 November 2014 (UTC)
Yes, I'm from Quebec, a French-speaking province of canada :) Mattsnow 13:12, 1 November 2014 (UTC)
Nice to know! I'm from Moscow but a combination of various occurrences brought to me to Paris (which we don't have an article about!). Anton (talk) 13:20, 1 November 2014 (UTC)
The UnSignpost is back, baby! (And also a little bit of front)[edit source]
Before time began there was the cube. Wait, hold on... yeah wrong script. Okay, let's start again. Before the internet was cool, there was no Uncyclopedia. This is because before Uncyclopedia was a website, there was this awful site for information that anybody could edit called Wikipedia. There was also catfishes and cocks.
That all changed back in 2005. When Uncyclopedia was established/founded/spawned/born/emerged/created, the internet took off. Not literally, but metaphorically... or something. The fact remains that the world, with the introduction of Unyclopedia, began to gain faith in the internet. The Amish began to use electricity after Uncyclopedia was established!
And our legacy could fade away; not unlike my basketball trick shot.
All jokes aside, Uncyclopedia may be content-free, as one could say, but it is not free to run. Uncyclopedia runs on a server and this requires money. We don't mean like the billions Obama requires, but it still needs a bit of money to be a legendary thing.
How does Wikipedia stay up then? Well, we're not Wikipedia. We're run by no employees and we're instead run by dedicated users who spend their time editing/fucking with the site that they love. Uncyclopedia is nearly ten years old, so it's not like the joy of "uncyclopediating" isn't real. It's in the Webster Dictionary.
Not every one is rich either, in fact, we're all kinda bland. Money doesn't grow on trees. Now we're not gonna hold you for ransom and we sure as hell aren't going to guilt you into donating to our cause... but think about the children that would starve without us!
Basically, read more about it here. Thanks for your time.
If you can't donate, don't. We won't force you to do something we can't ourselves.
You a fool? I wouldn't do another biopic if I felt like it! You a fool? I wouldn't do another biopic if I felt like it! You a fool? I wouldn't do another biopic if I felt like it! You a fool? I wouldn't do another biopic if I felt like it! You a fool? I wouldn't do another biopic if I felt like it! You a fool? I wouldn't do another biopic if I felt like it! You a fool? I wouldn't do another biopic if I felt like it!
From The Logs
05:54, November 7, 2014 Leverage (talk | contribs) blocked DickSankthptxd with an expiry time of infinite (talk | contribs) (his dick sank)
22:48, October 29, 2014 Xamralco (talk | contribs) blocked 50.115.173.177 (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 month (made me read some gay book)
15:45, October 29, 2014 Lost Labyrinth (talk | contribs) blocked Zficysll (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (Why bother trying to spam Uncyclopedia? If you're as good with girls as you are at hitting abuse filters then I'm sure you'll have no problem getting laid.)
I'm a little hesitant overwriting the article on the other site. It has some work by Romartus and some is quite good but I've never really enjoyed stitching old articles together with new stuff, particularly if there are two different concepts. I resurrected the old Thailand article and still used zero lines in my rewritten version. That said, User:Nikau/Atlantis is open because the Atlantis article is on VFD here now, and is just as bad there. That's a full rewrite. --Nikau (talk) 15:33, 29 November 2014 (UTC)
Ok, that's as you wish. What concept would you like to have? I saw your first line and it's very interesting. Would you like to take "workplace sexism" as the main angle? Anton (talk) 13:10, 30 November 2014 (UTC)
Personally I'd prefer to do Atlantis simply because the Joan of Arc article can be imported and the workplace sexism angle is very hard to do while pleasing both sides. It's a high concept, high effort article and I can't think of a way to escape what has been done in Marie Curie. Atlantis is just as crap on the other site and it has so much more room for creativity. The idea is a country that actually exists but is off the maps due to sanctions (ala Russia and Iran, just exaggerated). --Nikau (talk) 15:15, 30 November 2014 (UTC)
Ok, it's as you wish. I'll do some relevant research and then will dive straight into the project. Considering my exams leave me some sense of humour. Anton (talk) 17:04, 30 November 2014 (UTC)
Being the holidays, I can't really write anything until at least mid January, so I guess it's on hold. --Nikau (talk) 01:36, 25 December 2014 (UTC)
I am entirely opposite, as I can only write during holidays. Start whenever you can and feel like it and I'll do my best to make some decent additions to the article before I'm unable to write again. Anton (talk) 15:32, 25 December 2014 (UTC)
Thanks for updating the adopt a noob page! --Some guy (talk) 13:48, 5 December 2014 (UTC)
Always welcome! Anton (talk) 16:30, 5 December 2014 (UTC)
Hi Anton. I just finished my finals so I'm free for Christmas break if you need any help with the competition. I was thinking of holding a second TAW in 2015 that would focus on rewriting vital articles to FA-status. Also this might be a good opportunity to advertise the event on Uncyclopedia's social media accounts. MadMax (talk) 12:29, 19 December 2014 (UTC)
Ok, thanks! It's an interesting idea (second competition), but the success will of course depend on the number of participants. I guess this TAW will show if we have enough. Advertising the event would be good also. I'll ask the admins concerned. Anton (talk) 17:56, 19 December 2014 (UTC)
Hey anton. For some reason I thought we had until the 18th of January to finish the article. Any chance you can give us an extra 24 hours or even 48? I still have a fair bit of editing to do and theres no images or formatting. Please don't take this as an ultimatum or blackmail but I'd rather my article not be considered or judged in the state that it is in. ShabiDOO 20:44, 15 January 2015 (UTC)
Hi Shabidoo. I updated the site notice based on the dates set on the TAW main page. I know one of the entries had a five day extension so I can switch it back if everyone is still writing. MadMax (talk) 23:12, 15 January 2015 (UTC)
Hey Maxipad. Let's see what Anton says. Shakabrahhhhh! ShabiDOO 11:38, 16 January 2015 (UTC)
Hi! I agree with Max. I have nothing against you spending a bit more time on your article, because fun and quality are all that matter. It would also be hypocritical for me to say otherwise, considering that I haven't even started judging (I have so little time I have started counting seco- (too late, sorry) Anton (talk) 17:53, 16 January 2015 (UTC)
Have you and Xam Ralco done the TAW and if so where? Because I don't see them on the judging page. ~EveryOtherUsernameWasTaken(dtf?) 22:48, 26 January 2015 (UTC)
I'm reading the articles tomorrow morning and then posting pee reviews for all of them. --SirXamRalcothe Mediocre 22:56, 26 January 2015 (UTC)
Okay you don't need to do all that though, but looking forward to seeing them anyway. ~EveryOtherUsernameWasTaken(dtf?) 18:31, 27 January 2015 (UTC)
Oh, I just figured people would like Pee Reviews so they could better understand why I judged the way I did. If you want a Pee, I'll totally do it, but if you don't care about it, then I won't. Whatever you prefer, it's your call. :) --SirXamRalcothe Mediocre 19:26, 27 January 2015 (UTC)
Ah! I didn't know I would have so little time. I'll do my best to do everything before this weekend, but can't promise anything. Anton (talk) 19:40, 27 January 2015 (UTC)
It's that time of the year again! We're going to be showing off our Top Ten Articles of 2014 soon but so far, very few people have voted. It's all up to you to decide what's the best of the best! Go to Forum:Top 10 Articles of 2014 and vote now! --SirXamRalcothe Mediocre 02:21, 30 January 2015 (UTC)
Hi Anton. I just wanted to let you know I've made a list of possible Uncyclopedias to interview. I'm guessing TKF has most of their contact information already but it might be handy to keep around. I'm trying to contact former ambassadors for the Foreign Office so I can also mention the Retrospective project as well. MadMax (talk) 20:25, 9 February 2015 (UTC)
Max, thanks! That's some great work! It's the holidays, so I'll have more time now and will be able to finally do my retrospective. If you haven't contacted TKF yet, then I'll paste his questionnaire onto the discussion page for your starter page, so if you have time, you can fill it in. But we still need the list of users who have already been interviewed. Anton (talk) 19:36, 15 February 2015 (UTC)
I'm retiring completely from the spoon by virtue of SPIKE's goodwill and gentlemanliness. Before I go (and after my 1 month ban ends) I will put my articles either on QVFD or VFD. To honour my passing as it were could you please vote to delete them? And also vote against Coming Soon on VFH? I know you like the site but I hate it and I simply don't want stuff I wrote to exist there. I've sent this same thing to Romartus and I hope that the other nice and reasonable people at the spoon do the same. ~EveryOtherUsernameWasTaken(dtf?) 13:25, 2 June 2015 (UTC)
I am really sorry, Every. I haven't been following the news recently and don't know what happened between you and Spike, but a month ban is harsh. And it pains me to vote down great contributions, but if it's something you feel necessary, I can do that. Anton (talk) 16:23, 2 June 2015 (UTC)
Nothing really happened between us, if you look at my talkpage and at the history for the UK general election summary you'll see what happened this time. I think he just picks whatever the next longest ban is and has an acute lack of empathy. Anyway I can't abide that, and I can't abide some of his other habits (his censorship of links to here, his lack of priority for humour and bad comedy advice, his sense of entitlement etc.). Anyway he'll break out the ban stick for another minor offence before long and I'll feel silly if there's a lot of my writing and I'm infini-banned. But basically I'm worried that if this site progresses past its shadow of the spoon current status then my old writing will be undermined by backups on the spoon. Thanks for agreeing by the way. ~EveryOtherUsernameWasTaken(dtf?) 18:07, 2 June 2015 (UTC)
Isn't it Uncyclopedia tradition to answer questions on other people's talk pages? Articles on Unc (either one) are licensed under CC licenses. Anything you write like that you give the right for others to alter, keep or delete, or repost on another site. I got pissed at what someone did to one of my articles there, but that's the way it goes. That's the way wikis work. :) DAP Dame Pleb Com. MileySpears (talk) 22:48, 2 June 2015 (UTC)
I understand the licence but in my early days and more recently too I've written my fair share of shit and I think people will want some of it deleted. As for my adequate writing, I'm hoping I can sneak as much of that past as possible. Also, Romartus changed my ban considerably - it ends tomorrow - but something tells me that I should have stopped editing there long ago on a matter of principle. ~EveryOtherUsernameWasTaken(dtf?) 23:17, 2 June 2015 (UTC)
Happy Monkey has been scratching his coconut sized balls for days almost bursting with anticipation of the competition. Remember...the articles are not judged by which is most likely to be a featured article. 30 points are awarded...10 each for originality, creativity and making you laugh. Don't forget the originality and creativity. You can slightly modify the topic if you wish to put it in a different space (unbooks, unreviews, unpoetry etc). If you have any doubt...ask Shabidoo.
Your topic is:
UnBooks:Jacomo's Belly Fluff Part 15
Good luck and have fun. You have 48 hours from the moment this was posted. Happy monkey has very itchy and blue coconuts to take care of! RAH RAH RAH!!! ShabiDOO 22:55, 31 July 2015 (UTC)
You may not know this, but images that are deleted stay on the server, so deleting them doesn't really free up much space (except for the generated thumbnails, I guess). And some images that don't show up as being used may actually be hard-linked, from such things as signatures and CSS styles. ~ BB ~ (T) ~ Mon, Aug 3 '15 17:10 (UTC)
Ok, thanks! The ones I deleted were all from 2005, so I'm pretty sure they were unneeded, but I'll mind this in future! Anton (talk) 17:13, 3 August 2015 (UTC)
What email address should I send it to? 17:32, 6 August 2015 (UTC)
When on a user's page at the side in tools you will see "email this user". That will email them, assuming they have their email address set up correctly. - B@NZai k!tten(Meow?)B 17:48, 6 August 2015 (UTC)
Oh ok, Thanks banzaikitten! 17:54, 6 August 2015 (UTC)
So close...the points for all but the winner were super tight. It could have been anyone's game. Thanks for participating. I enjoyed your article a lot. Next year...if you don't win...then that will mean that you have lost two years in a row...which is pretty common as few win two years in a row...but that is something definitely worth putting on a tombstone...right? ShabiDOO 19:59, 6 August 2015 (UTC)
Thanks so much! This will definitely go on the tombstone of all my family members from now on. Anton (talk) 22:55, 6 August 2015 (UTC)
Thanks for taking part Anton199! 04:37, 7 August 2015 (UTC)
Following an incredible (by 2021 Uncyclopedian standards) 16 VFS votes, Uncyclopedia's most active administrator has initiated their transition to female. Said admin, now known publicly as Cassie, has had a talk page that often inflated by 80,000 bytes or more weekly, and singlehandedly managed a vast variety of things, including (but not limited to): vandal whipping, being the school principal, managing VFH, and more. "Vandalism, eh? Fuck off already," they said, whilst throwing bags of feces at our new dumpyard.
Vote for Sandwiches: Triple Resignation, Quintuple the Drama
Following the resignation of two of our longtimemost bureaucrats, EMC and Zombiebaron, in addition to the resignation of admin CandidToaster, a new wave rejuvenated much of the now-ancient television show Vote for Sandwiches. MrX and Hipponias quickly climbed the ranks; Shabidoo received the same treatment, but ultimately withdrew. Zana Dark and JJPMaster were both nominated for a new category, interface operator, instead of the traditional sandwich role granted.
Uncyclopedia's Technologies are Finally Modernized
it has been a long time in the making, but Uncyclopedia's editing technologies have finally been optimized for the new decade. An introduction of a new extended-confirmed protection level has enabled famous articles, such as AAAAAAAAA!, to see the light of commoners' editing again. Utilities such as Huggle, RedWarn, CurateThisPage, autoarchiving, and a lot more has been implemented thanks to JJPMaster. Many gnomes have been working on this; as such, please treat their work with respect!
Biopic
This edition's biopic is about the joy of templating. Templating is a fine art which can be practiced on Uncyclopedia, its parody Wikipedia, and so many other places. It can furthermore be expanded to "module coding", which produces the same stuff albeit in a much more efficient and dynamic way. Come try templating now!
From The Logs
1 May 2021 Cassie renamed user Redacted (8224 edits) to Cassie (Per message here)
10 April 2021 JJPMaster (38 bytes) (-13) . . (Reverting edit(s) by Gale5050 (talk) to rev. 6045969 by Celeste:shhhhhhhhhhh (RW 16.1dev))
22 February 2021 Cassie blocked JJPMaster with an expiration time of 4 hours and 20 minutes (account creation disabled) (You [[Witch-Hunting For Fun and Profit
Following 1.5+ years of hiatus, Cassie has taken the lead, in a unilateral albeit undramatic manner, and has designated themselves as the lead editor of the UnSignpost.
